(even if you aren't vegan)
RiffText/Kirbychu emails.pie/falsemail-chwoka
LIGHTNING GUYSBORNE: Hi, I'm Lightning Guysbourne. Tonight's feature is an adaption of the unfinished last episode of Kirbychu emails dot pie. Kirbychu was writing up a predictable email, when Chwoka swooped all up ins and finished his email up for him with surrealism, philosophy, and holocaust jokes. Even today, like a year later, it still retains its powerful impact on the mind, soul, and body, and its message, which has something to do with gay people, rings clear as true. Professional critics have praised it as one of Chwoka's greatest adaptions of the unfinished last episode of Kirbychu emails dot pie, not to mention the only one. And now you can see it all, unedited and uncolorized, free of commercial interruption.
Summary
Chwoka's ending of the 8th email "False-Mail". This was made during Free-For-All week
Transcript
{The screen opens to show Kirbychu's computer room. Only half of the wall is intact, the rest is mainly a wooden frame. Kirbychu enters, carrying a laptop.}
KIRBYCHU HR'D: {sing-songingly} Checkin' my email in a broken room with an old laptop...
{Kirbychu sits down at his desk and sets up the laptop, which looks the same as his old one. X On Fire enters.}
X ON FIRE: Kirbychu, what's with this? I thought you were making a new laptop, but this looks just like your old one!
KIRBYCHU HR'D: Well, after I looked over my old laptop again I discovered that the charger was broken, and the laptop's battery was dead. I got a new one of both, and I found that it's screen broke, so I got a spare and fixed it!
X ON FIRE: Oh. I'm leaving now. {exits}
KIRBYCHU HR'D: That was strange... anyways, let get this show started!
{The computer boots up. Kirbychu opens outlook express}
Dear Kirbychu,
The bank
Youre bank account is about to expire. We are terribly sorry to tell you that. In order to keep it running, put every bit of your money into your account, and send your accounts number and password to zoomail.EXE.
KIRBYCHU HR'D: Um... what? How could my bank account be expiring? I just... wait a minute, that's Zoo's email address! That jerk is trying to steal my money!
{Kirbychu copies the text of the email and pastes it in a new message window. He edits "Dear Kirbychu" to "Mr. Zoo977", fixes "your" replaces "Zoomail.EXE" with "[email protected]" and "The bank" to "Your Credit Union". He then sends the e-mail.}
KIRBYCHU HR'D: That'll teach him to try and scam me out of my money!
{pause}
KIRBYCHU HR'D: W-why is nothing happening? He should be getting his karmic retribution by now!
{Kirbychu HR'd breaks down in tears}
KIRBYCHU HR'D: Oh, God, my life is built on a series of foibles. I am an empty shell of a person. Am I even a person? Or merely the ungodly fusion created by science for perverse reasons I cannot begin to understand? And what does that say about my worth of a person? Am I worth only 3/5ths of one, or possibly less?
{Kirbychu HR'd stands up, with a new resolve on his face.}
X ON FIRE: {appears} Well, I know one person you can ask.
KIRBYCHU HR'D: Really? Who?
{Boom Drop: The entrance to X On Fire's basement. X On Fire and Kirbychu HR'd are both there.}
X ON FIRE: My Cambodian slave. Constitutionally, you know, he IS 3/5ths of a person.
KIRBYCHU HR'D: Am I?
X ON FIRE: Of course not, you're just a fusion that should have never happened.
{Both laugh. X On Fire opens his basement.}
X ON FIRE: {chipper} C'mon!
{Cut: Cambodian slave, tied to a wooden support beam with gnaw marks on it. He is asleep and you can see his ribs. Chiascuro.}
KIRBYCHU HR'D Aww, they're so cute when they're sleeping.
X ON FIRE: I know, right?
{X On Fire kicks the Cambodian slave right in the ribs, and he wakes up.}
KIRBYCHU HR'D: Hey, you're 3/5ths, right?
CAMBODIAN SLAVE: {subtitled from whatever language they speak in Cambodia} [I am a person, not a fraction!]
KIRBYCHU HR'D: {leaning to X on Fire} What did he say?
X ON FIRE: I don't know, just smile and act polite.
KIRBYCHU HR'D: Okay. {leans out} Well, looks like we'll have to communicate through the only language we have in common -- Morse Code.
CAMBODIAN SLAVE: . ...- . .-. / ... .. -. -.-. . / .. / .-- .- ... / .- / -.-- --- ..- -. --. / -... --- -.--
KIRBYCHU HR'D: .. .----. ...- . / .--. .-.. .- -.-- . -.. / - .... . / ... .. .-.. ...- . .-. / -... .- .-.. .-..
CAMBODIAN SLAVE: ..-. .-. --- -- / ... --- .... --- / -.. --- .-- -. / - --- / -... .-.. .. --. .... - --- -.
KIRBYCHU HR'D: .. / -- ..- ... - / .... .- ...- . / .--. .-.. .- -.-- . -.. / - .... . -- / .- .-.. .-..
CAMBODIAN SLAVE: -... ..- - / .. / .- .. -. .----. - / ... . . -. / -. --- - .... .. -. --. / .-.. .. -.- . / .... .. --
KIRBYCHU HR'D: .. -. / .- -. -.-- / .- -- ..- ... . -- . -. - / .... .- .-.. .-..
CAMBODIAN SLAVE: - .... .- - / -.. . .- ..-. / -.. ..- -- -... / .- -. -.. / -... .-.. .. -. -.. / -.- .. -..
KIRBYCHU HR'D AND CAMBODIAN SLAVE: ... ..- .-. . / .--. .-.. .- -.-- ... / .- / -- . .- -. / .--. .. -. -... .- .-.. .-..
{The two shake hands. Cut: Leaving the basement.}
X ON FIRE: So, what did you talk about?
KIRBYCHU HR'D: I have no idea.
{Cut: The highway. Both men are dressed semi-formal, as if going to work. They are stuck in traffic. Sam the Man is in the back seat, leaning into the front.}
SAM THE MAN: All I'm saying is that people who take their coffee with sugar should not be labeled as more feminine.
X ON FIRE: But taking it black says you don't care about taste, and you take it raw.
SAM THE MAN: ...and that's something manly men do?
X ON FIRE: Oh god, that came out entirely wrong.
{Cut: The office, forward tracking Steadicam shot in slow motion. Kirbychu HR'd, X on Fire, and Sam the Man are in a triangle formation. Sam The Man kicks down a cubicle wall, Kirbychu HR'D clotheslines a printer right off a table, and X on Fire kicks over a water cooler.}
{Cut: Zoo977's cubicle. He is writing something on the WUW. Kirbychu HR'd peeks over the cubicle wall.}
KIRBYCHU HR'D: Heyyyyyyyyyy Zooooo. Whatcha doing?
ZOO977: {quickly switching from WUW to Excel.} Nothing.
KIRBYCHU HR'D: Oh really? {slides around the corner and in} Let me see what you're doing there.
{Kirbychu HR'd takes the mouse from a panicked Zoo.}
KIRBYCHU HR'D: {faking sympathy} Oooooh. Seems somebody's been goofing off. Would be a shame if the boss were to find out...
ZOO977: {snapping} You wouldn't!
KIRBYCHU HR'D: Oh no, I wouldn't, not me, Heavens no, but somebody else. Somebody... {talks into Zoo's ears} ...anonymous.
{Zoo is sweating bullets.}
KIRBYCHU HR'D: You look like you're sweaty. Here,
{Kirbychu HR'd dumps a cup of water on Zoo's head}
KIRBYCHU HR'D: Now nobody will notice. Take care!
{Kirbychu HR'd leaves.}
{Cut: X on Fire's cubicle. Sam the Man slips in.}
SAM THE MAN: {bashful} Hey.
X ON FIRE: {equally so} ...hey.
{Pause. The two begin furiously making out.}
KIRBYCHU HR'D: {off-screen} Hey guys!
{The two stop making out. Kirbychu HR'd waddles in.}
KIRBYCHU HR'D: How's it been g- Sam the Man, is that what I think it is?
SAM THE MAN: N-no...
{Sam the Man covers his eye. Kirbychu HR'd takes Sam the Man otuside the cubicle.}
KIRBYCHU HR'D: Is that a black eye?
SAM THE MAN: No!
KIRBYCHU HR'D: {sultry whisper} It' okay. You can tell me. Has X been beating you?
SAM THE MAN: ...yes.
X ON FIRE: {sternly, off-screen} He fell down the stairs and onto a doorknob. It's not that bad.
{Cut: the enterance. X On Fire, Kirbychu HR'd, and Sam the Man all walk out, to be doused with a bucket of water. Pan over to Zoo, snickering to himself.}
X ON FIRE: Oh, that Zoo!
SAM THE MAN: He sure got us!
{Hearty sticom laugh.}
{Blick-and-you'll-miss-it cut: The three core members kicking and punching Zoo against a wall. Cut: Kirbychu HR'd at the bank}
KIRBYCHU HR'D: Hello, sir. I wish to make a transaction.
TELLER: Sorry, sir, your account expired.
KIRBYCHU HR'D: But I need to buy a plane ticket for my journey of self-discovery!
TELLER: Well, that changes everything! Have infinite money.
{The teller lays a debit card on the counter.}
TELLER: {wink} It's on the house.
{Smash cut: Kirbychu HR'd at a smoky bar with all his friends, chugging an entire keg labeled "OLIVE OIL".}
ALL: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
{Kirbychu HR'd sets the keg down and wipes his mouth, to much cheering.}
BARTENDER: And how will you be paying for that?
KIRBYCHU HR'D: Debit.
{Cut: an electronics store. Kirbychu HR'd walks up to a cashier.}
KIRBYCHU HR'D: I would like to buy some televisions.
CASHIER: How many?
KIRBYCHU HR'D: All of them.
{Cut: plane ticket vendor.}
KIRBYCHU HR'D: Ticket to Germany, please.
VENDOR: What town?
KIRBYCHU HR'D: Germany.
VENDOR: Yes sir. And which seats would you like?
KIRBYCHU HR'D: I'd like all the ones on the left side, and all of the ones on the right side.
VENDOR: So... a private jet then?
KIRBYCHU HR'D: {laughs} Heavens no! I don't think I have that kind of money.
{Cut: Kirbychu HR'd running up and down the aisles of the plane.}
INTERCOM: The pilot would like to remind you to stay seated while the plane is in takeoff.
KIRBYCHU HR'D: What does the pilot know?
{Cut: Germany. Sam the Man and X on Fire are there with Kirbychu HR'd, who is incredibly beat-up.}
X ON FIRE: Na dann, was sind passiert?
KIRBYCHU HR'D: {irritated} Ich habe gefallen und ich habe meine Auge geschlagt.
SAM THE MAN: Ich ben ein Berliner?
{Cut: An ominous castle. Lightning flashes.}
SAM THE MAN: So, this is where you were made?
X ON FIRE: Truly, a modern Frankenstein is Kirbychu.
KIRBYCHU HR'D: Oh you!
{Kirbychu HR'd throws a dagger at Sam the Man, who falls down.}
{Cut: interior of the castle. Joeseph Menegele, mad scientist, is working on a new monster, covered by a sheet.}
MENEGELE: Finally, after all these years since my last fusion, Kirbychu, I am ready to unveil my new game character fusion!
{Menegele throws the sheet off.}
MENEGELE: Pikirbychunic!
KIRBYCHU HR'D: Stop right there, Joe Menegele!
MENEGELE: You! I thought I got rid of you by sending you to America!
{Pause}
MENEGELE: Not the most soundproof plan.
KIRBYCHU HR'D: I came out here for one reason and one reason alone!
MENEGELE: You would kill your own father?!
KIRBYCHU HR'D: No...
{hug}
KIRBYCHU HR'D: Daddy?
MENEGELE: Yes, son?
KIRBYCHU HR'D: I want to go kill people, but one specific kind!
MENEGELE: That's my boy!
{circle close around Kirbychu's face. Wink-smile! close.}
{The scene opens again}
KIRBYCHU HR'D: I mean the gays, by the way. Just so we're clear.
X ON FIRE: {off-screen} Hey!
{wink smile close}
LIGHTNING GUYSBORNE: {wipes off a tear} Truly a masterpiece. Well, that's it for today's presentation. See you again after the holidays!
