RiffText/JCM-MOVIES/7

JCM travels to space.

NAMINE: And the question on everyone's mind is: "Why"?

Movie

{JCM walks out of house. He sees a shooting star.}

JCM: Hey, look, mom and dad, a shooting star!

NAMINE: Please don't tell me that a certain hip hop song is going to play...

{JCM's mother and father runs out of the door.}

JCM'S MOTHER: Make a wish, honey.

JCM'S FATHER: {thinking} I wish that I didn't have a son.

JCM'S MOTHER: {thinking} I wish that I didn't have a husband.

JCM: {thinking} I wish that I didn't have a dog.

NAMINE: Surprisingly different from JCM's attitude in the first episode, where he wanted a pet.

{Pan down to show a dog looking at JCM.}

DOG: {thinking} I wish that I didn't have a butt that itches.

NAMINE: Wait for it...

{Zoom into the dog's behind. A flea jumps out of it.}

FLEA: I wish that I didn't have an eating place that smelled like crap.

NAMINE: And the joke died!

{Zoom out to show everyone looking at the star.}

{Cut to the star's view.}

JCM'S MOTHER: Is that thing getting...bigger?

JCM'S FATHER: I think that shooting star is heading for us!

{Suddenly, a bullet flies through JCM's cap.}

NAMINE: Suddenly, it is revealed to be JCM playing Touhou.

JCM: Wow, that is a shooting star!

{JCM's parents cover their mouths.}

JCM'S FATHER: {muffled} Ruuuunnn!

NAMINE: {muffled} With no context to explain why you need to run! Just do it!

JCM: What?

JCM'S FATHER: {muffled} Ruuuunnn!

JCM AND JCM'S MOTHER: What?!

{JCM's father takes his hand off his mouth.}

JCM'S FATHER: I said "run".

NAMINE: At least that joke did not get old.

JCM: {shrugs} OK.

{JCM walks offscreen.}

JCM'S FATHER: Um, there's a difference between run and walk, son!

{Suddenly, a spaceship flies past JCM's parents.}

JCM'S MOTHER: Oh, that was just a spaceship, not a shooting star!

JCM'S FATHER: Oh, now I'll never lose JCM.

JCM'S MOTHER: What?

NAMINE: "I thought we agreed never to mention JCM's real father! I had so many restraining orders to file!"

JCM'S FATHER: {quickly} Nothing.

NAMINE: "Just a slip of the tongue."

{Pan left to show the ship crashed into the backyard. JCM pulls himself from under it. He is covered in a ash and has scratches all over him.}

JCM: {sarcastic} Thanks for worrying about me, guys!

JCM'S FATHER: Yeah, whatever.

JCM'S MOTHER: JCM, are you OK?

JCM: {sarcastic} No, I'm fine. I was just under a 5 ton ship for a few minutes, that's all!

NAMINE: Once again, you'd have been fine without making your sarcasm obvious.

JCM'S FATHER: Good, now take a bath.

JCM: I would, if I could walk!

JCM'S FATHER: Don't you backsass me!

JCM: {mimicking} Don't you backsass me.

JCM'S FATHER: {steaming} Listen, you little-

{Suddenly, a chimp jumps out of the ship.}

JCM: Oh, look, a monkey!

CHIMP: I'm not a monkey. I'm a chimp.

JCM'S FATHER: Uh, excuse me, we're having a father/son conversation.

NAMINE: "You're not even my real father!"

CHIMP: Oh, you're talking about the bird and the bees, eh? This is a nice place to do so. With the bird nest and beehive on that tree over there.

JCM'S FATHER: What? Oh, god no!

JCM: What's the birds and the bees, daddy?

NAMINE: Let me tell you about the rabbits first.

JCM'S FATHER: {facepalms} You do not want to know.

CHIMP: So, kid, did you ever want to go to space?

JCM: {excited} Me? Space? I can't believe it! I've always wanted to go to space! Hooray!

CHIMP: Ha! You're not stepping foot in that thing! Unless you're willing to trade something for it.

{JCM takes a banana out of his shirt pocket.}

JCM: What about this?

CHIMP: No way! I'm not giving in to that primate stereotype!

JCM: {waves the banana} It's riiipe.

CHIMP: OK!

{The chimp grabs the banana and jumps offscreen.}

JCM'S FATHER: You are not getting into that ship without supervi-

{The spaceship's door slams shut.}

JCM'S FATHER: -sion.

JCM'S MOTHER: You idiot! I can't believe you let JCM get into that thing! He could get hurt!

JCM'S FATHER: {sarcastic} Yeah, and you're the #1 mom in America.

NAMINE: "You cheated on me, so I am allowed to be sarcastic!"

JCM'S MOTHER: {prideful} You really think so?

JCM: {offscreen} Ooh, what does this button do?

{A laser zaps JCM's father to a crisp.}

JCM'S MOTHER: Wow, you just got burnt!

JCM: {offscreen} Ooh, what does this button do?

{A bomb flies into JCM's mother. A and there is an explosion. When it clears away, JCM's mother and father is nothing but a pile of ash.}

JCM'S FATHER: I'd say "ha", but then I'd be making fun of myself in the process.

{The wind blows JCM's mother and father away.}

NAMINE: Good night, sweet prince and princess (respectively).

JCM: {offscreen} I think this big button is what makes the ship go.

{The screen shakes. Pan left to show the spaceship flying offscreen.}

JCM: {offscreen} Woohoo! {singing} I believe I can fly!

{Cut to space. The spaceship flies onto the moon.}

JCM: Yes! A lifetime supply of cheese!

NAMINE: YOU TOOK THIS STRAIGHT FROM WALLACE AND GROMIT, DIDN'T YOU?

{Fade to a screen saying "One gluttonous meal later". Fade back. JCM's stomach is gigantic and he's struggling just to get another piece in his mouth.}

JCM: Hmm, you know-

{Zoom out of show JCM sitting on a half moon, only the strait edge of it has bite marks all over it.}

JCM: I think I might've eaten a little too much cheese.

{JCM gets up, his feet shaking from the weight of his body, and walks to the ship, one slow step at a time. He then slips on a rock and falls on his back. He tries to get up but fails.}

{Cut to another part of space. The spaceship flies onscreen. Zoom in to show JCM flying. it.}

JCM: Well, it was worth it waiting 5 days to get skinny again. But, I'm thirsty. Where can I get some water around here?

{Suddenly, a scientist appears out of nowhere.}

SCIENTIST: Earth is the only known planet in the universe that has water. It will take 7 hours and thirty minutes to get back to Earth, while you can only live 7 more hours without water.

{The scientist disappears.}

JCM: OK, where did he come from? It's at least nice to know ahead of time that I have no chance to live...Hey, I can go into SUPER SPEED!

{JCM presses a button and the ship flies so fast that he falls out of his seat. He grabs the back of it and watches the window.}

JCM: Yes! I'm the first man to press the super speed button and live!

{The ship flies past Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, then Neptune and suspenseful music plays.}

JCM: Wait, the ship is going the wrong way! And I'm almost at Pluto, the last planet defined!

NAMINE: I wish Pluto was still a planet...

{The suspenseful music stops as the scientist appears again.}

SCIENTIST: Actually, Pluto was defined instead as a dwarf planet recently.

NAMINE: I wish Pluto was still a planet...

And there was also a Planet X discovered.

{The scientist disappears.}

JCM: Oh. Then, since I have no chance of getting back to Earth in the next 3 hours, I might as well enjoy what little time I have left by seeing Planet X up close!

{The ship flies past Pluto and JCM catches sight of a blue planet afar.}

JCM: {exited}

NAMINE: {excited}

I made it with 2 and a half hours to spare!

{Cut to a closer view of Planet X. It is all blue except for a red line in the middle and green cracks which come out from it.}

JCM: Wow, those colors look a little familiar. I must be delusional since I'm dying and all.

{JCM flies onto Planet X and looks around.}

JCM: This emptiness makes me uncomfortable. I was expecting at least one alien here.

{Suddenly, a small blue kitten without a tail crawls up to JCM.}

JCM: Yay! My expectations were correct for once!

{The kitten licks JCM's shoe and its tongue falls off.}

JCM: Yuck, my shoe must be real smelly or that cat is real thirsty.

{Zoom down to show that JCM's shoes have air fresheners all over them and the inside of them are covered in mints and tick tacks. Zoom back up.}

JCM: Well, that does it.

{JCM takes a water bottle out of his shirt pocket.}

JCM: This'll help that poor-Wait a minute.

{JCM and the kitten pause for literally a minute.}

JCM: Oh, yeah! My thirstiness is what got me here!

{The kitten releases its claws and scratches the water bottle, causing water to pour out, which the kitten licks off the ground.}

JCM: Aw, I wish I had two tongues.

{JCM looks at the kitten again and then his watch.}

JCM: Well, desperate times call for desperate measures.

{JCM kneels down, bends, and starts licking the water off the ground with the kitten.}

JCM: {stops} You know, this dirt isn't really that bad. No wonder Stinkoman likes it so much. Wait, he lives on Planet K, not Planet X. Oh well, that's the same thing, kind of. Not really, but still. What was I saying again?

NAMINE: You were referencing Homestar Runner. That's about it. Make a Talking Heads reference or something.

{The kitten licks the rest of the water off the ground and leaves.}

JCM: I'm going back to Earth and telling everyone I discovered a new planet. They'll be happy to hear that. They may even give me money!

{JCM gets into the spaceship again, eagerly. He runs into the front seat and presses a button with a skull without looking at it.}

SPACESHIP: This ship will self destruct in five...

JCM: {surprised} Say what?

SPACESHIP: Four...three...

JCM: What idiot would put a self destruct button in a spaceship?!

NAMINE: You.

SPACESHIP: Your mom...one.

{Zoom out to show Planet X blowing up. Sad music plays as JCM's hat is seen on a floating in the background when the smoke clears.}

{Cut to various parts of space. Tears appear on asteroids and stars. Suddenly, in the last part of space, JCM flies in from offscreen with a parachute. He doesn't have his hat on.}

JCM: What's everyone crying about? It's just a planet. Oh yeah, that cat. I'm sadder about not becoming rich when I get back to Earth, but you don't see me sobbing, do you?

{Dry faces appear on the asteroids and stars.}

JCM: No, then! Now, I have to get back to Earth soon. I feel naked without my hat.

{Suddenly, the scientist appears.}

SCIENTIST: You shouldn't even be alive or falling right now! The laws of space say that there is no gravity or air here.

NAMINE: I'm actually glad I didn't complain about the logical fallacies of this episode. Because someone else did that for me instead.

{The scientist disappears.}

JCM: OK, that guy is getting on my last nerve. And I have a lot of nerves.

{Cut to JCM's house. JCM's mother and father are waiting on the porch. JCM walks onscreen.}

JCM'S MOTHER: {screams} Who are you?

JCM: I'm JCM. I just lost my hat in a planet explosion, that's all.

JCM'S MOTHER: OK, I'll just get you another hat, then. Welcome back, sweetie.

{JCM's mother walks into the house.}

JCM'S FATHER: {thinking} Man, my wish will never come true. {normal} I knew you'd come back. You're much smarter than an ape.

CHIMP: {offscreen} I am a chimpanzee!

JCM'S FATHER: {double paces} Where did he-

JCM: Bye, daddy, I'm going inside.

JCM'S FATHER: {uninterested} Uh-huh. Remember to look both ways and not talk to stranger.

NAMINE: {singing} There's a stranger in Moscowwww

JCM: ...OK.

{JCM walks into the house and JCM's father continues to look for the chimp.}

JCM'S FATHER: Chimpy, chimpy...come out, come out, wherever you are.

{The End}

NAMINE: And we're seeing a more solid episode as I gradually go through this...
NAMINE: Perhaps there's a reason Noxigar likes this!