(even if you aren't vegan)
RiffText/JCM-MOVIES/5
JCM tries to get into Chwoka's party.
Movie
{JCM is drinking from the water fountain when Sephiroth runs up to him.}
NAMINE: Here comes a Final Fantasy 7 character!
SEPHIROTH: Hey, JCM, guess what?
NAMINE: "I killed Aeris"
JCM: Oh my gosh. The Spart finally died. Don't worry, at least I'm not the only one here without a pet.
SEPHIROTH: How come every time I ask "guess what", you say that?
JCM: Because I wish it was true.
NAMINE: Now that's just mean
SEPHIROTH: ...No, I got invited to Chwoka's party! Isn't that awesome?!
NAMINE: Actually-
NAMINE: Wait no the joke I was going to make is something Noxigar would say.
NAMINE: Good thing I'm in-character at all times, unlike The Emperor in this fanstuff.
JCM: Party? He never told me about any party. I'm going to have a word with him!
{JCM walks offscreen. Cut to Chwoka at his locker. JCM runs to him.}
JCM: I fail to see why your locker is on the other side of the school.
NAMINE: "Damn you, Random Number Generator! These locker assignments are too random for someone of my blue calibre!"
CHWOKA: What do you want, JCM?
NAMINE: "I'm a busy man, and I need to destroy someone else's creations with dated riffing"
NAMINE: Why do I get the feeling this joke is also at Noxigar's expense? I probably shouldn't care, since he's the pottle.
JCM: I want to know why you haven't invited me to your party yet!
CHWOKA: Because the party is for all my friends.
JCM: Which is me, right?
CHWOKA: No.
NAMINE: Quick and to the point, the author makes it clear that sympathizing with Chwoka is thoroughly impossible.
JCM: Aren't I like, your 87th best friend?
CHWOKA: More like my 287th best friend.
JCM: But there's only around 250 kids in this school.
CHWOKA: My point exactly.
NAMINE: See my above riff. And my vest.
{JCM gets confused for a second then nods.}
JCM: Oh, I see. You're pretending like you don't want to invite me because you really ran out of invitations!
CHWOKA: I don't pretend.
NAMINE: Again this makes him the equivalent of a Nobody in personality.
NAMINE: Which with their problems with the Kingdom Hearts series is actually pretty fuggin' hilarious.
NAMINE: Damn it, that's the second joke at Noxigar's expense! This time it's also at my own expense!
{Beat}
And I have plenty of invitations left.
JCM: Don't worry. I understand. You don't have to lie to me. I'll just find something else to do tonight.
{JCM walks away and Chwoka "facepalms".}
NAMINE: JCM's naivete continues to baffle me. Where does he stop being static as a character?
{Cut to JCM's house.}
JCM: OK, time for some television!
{JCM presses a button the remote and the TV catches on fire.}
JCM: Darn! I accidentally pressed the "Burn baby burn" button.
NAMINE: DISCO INFERNO
It won't cool off for 10 hours! Well, TV's off the list.
{JCM gets up and walks to his room. He gets on his laptop.}
JCM: Now, time to play some online games!
{JCM clicks some things with his mouse and the laptop explodes.}
JCM: Dang! That one had a virus in it!
NAMINE: This joke was pretty easy to make in every other webtoon on the planet
{JCM walks to his notepad and gets out a pencil.}
JCM: Well, there's no way writing a story will cause anything to burn or explode!
{JCM starts writing and his pencil breaks.}
JCM: Oh, you're kidding me.
NAMINE: Hey, at least it didn't burn or explode.
{JCM walks out of his room and to the door.}
JCM: It seems that this isn't a good day to do any indoor activities, so I might as well ride my bike.
{JCM walks to the spot where his bike used to be.}
JCM: Hey, where'd my bike go?!
{JCM turns to see some teenager running away with his bike.}
TEENAGER: Ha ha! Sucker!
JCM: {dry}
NAMINE: {dry heave}
Stupid slang gang. Great. The only thing left for me to do is play with my parents.
{Suddenly, JCM parents jump into a car.}
JCM'S FATHER: {waves} Bye, JCM! We're going on a hot date!
NAMINE: How odd. I thought JCM's mother was either a single mother, a divorced mother, or a widow. It's like JCM invented a father to make the episode go smoothly at his own expense.
{The car drives off.}
JCM: This is one of the few times I wish the fanstuff school gave homework. {sits down} Well, it seems I'm going to have to die of boredom tonight. Unless...
{A light bulb appears over JCM's head.}
JCM: I've got it!
{The light bulb is revealed to be a bunch of fireflies, which fly away.}
NAMINE: And then no more Owl City lyrics get used as actions.
{Cut to Chwoka's house. JCM walks to the door.}
JCM: I'm sure Chwoka won't mind if I go to the party uninvited. He wanted me too, anyway.
NAMINE: No he didn't he made it perfectly clear
NOXIGAR: Hey, did I miss something as you were yelling?
NOXIGAR: {sighs} Fine.
NAMINE: No. You missed me getting as angry at JCMovies as you get angry at MFT3K for not being funny.
NOXIGAR: Cool. Need me to do something so you can continue?
NAMINE: TURN THIS SHIT OFF
NOXIGAR: But-
NAMINE: ONE OF YOUR HATED ENEMIES IS THE MAIN CHARACTER OF THE DAY IN THIS EPISODE
NOXIGAR: Roxas?
NAMINE: NO, THAT DOUCHEBAG WHO MADE MFT3K TO BEGIN WITH
NOXIGAR: Psh, now you know how I feel. You ask me why I keep riffing these fanstuffs.
NAMINE: I know, but WHY DO YOU LIKE JCMOVIES?
NOXIGAR: It's funny in an ironic and intentionally awful way. The main name of it is-
NAMINE: ENOUGH WITH THE DETAILS, JUST GET ME SOME MORE POPCORN.
{JCM walks into a hand. Zoom out to show it's Eric 2006's.}
ERIC: Where do you think you're going?
JCM: To the party, of course!
ERIC: Where's your invitation.
NAMINE: Where's your proper punctuation
JCM: Well, you see, it's like this. Chwoka ran out before he came to me!
ERIC: No invitation, no party.
JCM: But, you can't keep me from going in there if I don't have an invitation!
ERIC: Yes, I can. It's my job.
JCM: But, Chwoka's my friend!
ERIC: Listen, are you going to get the heck out of here or am I going to have make you?
NAMINE: It's like the author needed someone else to fill in for Chwoka in the Douchebaggery Department. Needless to say, he chose wisely.
JCM: Heh, make me. You can't-
{Cut to a field. JCM flies into the ground from offscreen.}
JCM: {muffled} I guess he can.
{Cut back to Chwoka's house. JCM walks back with dirt all over him.}
JCM: OK, I'll forget what you just did. Now, let me in or I'll have to go to drastic measures!
ERIC: Like what?
{JCM takes out a paint gun from nowhere.}
NAMINE: Don't you mean paintball gun
JCM: Like paintball action!
{Eric laughs.}
{Cut back to the field. JCM flies into the ground again.}
JCM: {muffled} OK, it seems I better take it up a notch.
NAMINE: No, you just have to snipe Eric.
{Cut back to Chwoka's house. JCM walks there dirtier than before.}
ERIC: Oh, come on! How many times do you want to be thrown out?
JCM: As many times as it takes for you to realize I deserve to be at the party!
{Cut back to the field. JCM flies into the ground again.}
JCM: {muffled} Which probably will take a while.
NAMINE: Or until the party's over. Whichever comes first, I suppose.
{Cut back to Chwoka's house. JCM walks there dirtier than before.}
JCM: I-
{Cut back to the field. JCM flies into the ground again.}
JCM: {muffled} Didn't even get to finish a sentence.
{Cut to Chwoka's house. Super Sam walks in.}
SUPER SAM: Hi, there. It's Super Sam. Me...Let me in or I'll suspend you.
ERIC: What happened to your voice? Your Australian accent sounds a little more American.
SUPER SAM: Crikey, man,
{Namine groans}
I don't know what you're talking about.
ERIC: How do I know you're really Super Sam?
SUPER SAM: Test me.
{Eric takes out a clamburger.}
ERIC: Get this to fall asleep.
SUPER SAM: Pff. Go to sleep, Clamburger.
CLAMBURGER: I see through your crappy disguise.
SUPER SAM: {chuckles nervously} What are you talking about, Clammy?
NAMINE: First of all, Super Sam doesn't call Clamburger "Clammy". I don't even think he nicknames the bot.
ERIC: Nice try, kid. I see the zipper on your back.
SUPER SAM: What are you talking about?
{Eric tears the Super Sam costume off to reveal JCM.}
JCM: {nervous} Uh, no, this is a JCM disguise! Yeah! Go to sleep, Clamburger.
CLAMBURGER: Nice try, not-Super Sam.
JCM: {dry} Fine, I'm going.
{JCM walks away.}
{SkullBuggy walks onscreen and gives Eric an invitation.}
ERIC: Wait, before you go in...
{Eric reaches into SkullB's trunk and pulls out JCM.}
NAMINE: {dry heave}
JCM: {nervously} Hi there, Eric. Isn't is a coincidence that I ended up here again? {chuckles nervously}
ERIC: You can go on in, Skull.
{Eric looks at JCM angrily as SkullB walks inside the house.}
{Cut back to the field. JCM flies into the ground.}
JCM: {muffled} I am sick of tasting this dirt. I think a worm went up my nose twice! It looks like trying to go through Eric will always fail,
NAMINE: Then go around him
so I'll have to do this some other way.
{Cut to JCM's basement. JCM walks into there and picks up a toolbox.}
JCM: I'm going to have to crash the party.
NAMINE: You've been doing that the entire episode
Literally.
{Fade to a screen that says "One completely awesome montage that is too great to describe in words and is definitely not because the author is lazy later...". Fade back. JCM is leaning on a rocket ship.}
JCM: Yep, I'm definitely going to get into the party with this thing!
NAMINE: Watch the rocket turn on you.
{JCM turns the ship on and it flies offscreen. A crash is heard.}
JCM: Oh darn, the ship left without me.
NAMINE: I TOTALLY CALLED THAT
I bet that selfish thing was planning this all along and-Wait, what am I saying? I have to get that thing before it destroys something! Most likely itself!
{JCM runs off.}
{Cut to the woods. The ship flies into them.}
JCM: Oh no! If that thing crashes into a tree and starts a fire, Smokey will haunt me in my dreams forever.
{Cut to the woods. JCM ship flies offscreen and JCM runs after it. Then, JCM runs onscreen and the ship flies after him.}
JCM: OK, I do not know how it ended up like this, and I don't really have any time to care!
{Cut to Chwoka's house. JCM runs to Eric.}
JCM: Eric, this is a very desperate plead! We have to go into the house now!
ERIC: Oh, yeah, right. When are you going to learn?
JCM: I'm serious! I'm being chased by a ship gone bad!
ERIC: Do you really expect me to believe that?
{The ship flies onscreen.}
NAMINE: You will now
ERIC: OK, I do. Run!
{JCM and Eric turn toward the door but it's too late. The ship flies right into them.}
{Cut to a real-life explosion.}
JCM: {offscreen} This is not good.
{Cut back to what was Chwoka's house. JCM and Eric are burnt to a crisp and the house is destroyed.}
CHWOKA: OK, I want to hear who's fault this is so I can tear him apart.
{Everyone points to each other, but JCM walks out of the crowd with a guilty look.}
JCM: I did it.
{Everyone gasps.}
JCM: I'm sorry. I just wanted to get into the party. But, Eric was so stubborn he wouldn't let me i
NAMINE: in
without an invitation.
{Eric facepalms.}
JCM: I wanted to get in so badly, that I decided to create a ship so I could go over Eric and get in safely. But, as you see, that didn't go well. My desperateness to get into this party is what blew up your house, Chwoka. Well, the ship had something to do with it, too, but it was mostly me. So, I understand if you don't like me anymore.
CHWOKA: {calm} JCM...I never liked you.
NAMINE: THANK YOU FOR CLARIFYING
JCM: Thanks for trying to make me feel better, but...face, it, I'm the bad guy here. I'm going to leave town and never come back.
CHWOKA: No! Then I won't have anyone to make fun of!
NAMINE: I ASSOCIATE WITH SOCIOPATHS
JCM: If you insist!
{JCM hugs Chwoka but Chwoka pushes him off.}
CHWOKA: Get off of me! I was being sarcastic!
NAMINE: MAKE IT MORE OBVIOUS! THE MAIN CHARACTER IS TOO NAIVE FOR YOUR CONVENTIONAL SHENANIGANS
JCM: Well, bye, then!
{JCM skips offscreen and Chwoka walks to what is left of his house.}
CHWOKA: Well, I guess it won't take long to rebuild this. A few weeks, months maybe.
{A car is heard pulling up and then being turned off. Chwoka sits down.}
CHWOKA: I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life...
{Everyone else runs away and JCM walks onscreen with two adults, cut off at the waist. Chwoka gets up.}
JCM: Hey, guess what, Chwoka!
CHWOKA: You're going to be expelled?
JCM: How come every time I ask "guess what Chwoka", you say that?
CHWOKA: Because I wish it was true.
NAMINE: WAIT WHAT YOU USED THIS JOKE ALREADY AT THE BEGINNING
NAMINE: Eh, I guess a little repetition isn't so bad compared to the rest of the jokes JCM tried to make in this episode.
JCM: No, actually, I made a deal with your parents. They don't kill you, and we rebuild your house! You know what that means? We'll spend the next few weeks, months maybe, fixing this house together! Isn't that great?!
{Chwoka sits down again.}
CHWOKA: I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life...
NAMINE: I personally think this is a better outcome than you getting bitched at and grounded by your parents.
NAMINE: But that's just me.
{The End}
{Noxigar arrives with popcorn}
NOXIGAR: Aww, the episode ended!
{Namine hits Noxigar in the skull with a brick}
NAMINE: Eh, at least JCM's aesop actually makes sense in context this time.
{Noxigar gives Namine the popcorn}
NOXIGAR: I'm sorry you're not enjoying this. I remember liking this episode.
NAMINE: Well, it's not like I can dissuade you from liking this. But I can say this episode is probably going to be the peak of JCMovies.
NOXIGAR: Didn't you like the characterization?
NAMINE: No. It's like everyone is so static they don't actually waver from their current role in the story.
NOXIGAR: That's too bad, I guess. I thought of it as satire.
NAMINE: Okay. Can you fall for my next brick joke?
NOXIGAR: What next brick jo-
