(even if you aren't vegan)
RiffText/JCM-MOVIES/2
It's the second day of school, it literally bugs everyone.
Movie
{JCM is in Shwoo's class.}
SHWOO: And that's why you should never give a mouse a cookie.
NAMINE: And that's why you should have started the episode at the beginning of the lecture as opposed to the end of one.
JCM: {raises hand} But, what if you give a pig a pancake?
SHWOO: Well-
STRONG INTELLIGENT: Or if you give a cat a cupcake?
SHWOO: Uh...you'll die?
NAMINE: No, I thought the cat would die instead.
JCM: Makes sense.
SHWOO: So, our next lesson is-
{Loud screams are heard.}
SHWOO: Oh my gosh! You kids stay here, I'll be right back!
{Shwoo runs to the office to find Dr. Haggis scrunched up on the bed. Thatkidsam is next to him in the same position.}
NAMINE: What, am I not worthy of being introduced to these people? Hell if I knew who Shwoo was earlier, or Strong Intelligent...
SHWOO: What happened?
THATKIDSAM: Th-there was-a-there was a-there-
SHWOO: OK. Dr. Haggis?
HAGGIS: Mommy.
NAMINE: "Mommy, I want to go home because my lines in this episode suck."
SHWOO: What are you two so worked up about?
{They both point to a cockroach behind Shwoo.}
SHWOO: {turns} Th-that's a-that's a-mommy!
NAMINE: It's a-me! Mario!
{Shwoo jumps offscreen.}
{Cut to Shwoo's class.}
JCM: Ugh, Mrs. Shwoo's been gone for 15 minutes, now.
{Another scream is heard.}
ZOO977: Oh my! Do you think she was hurt?
{The class pauses.}
STUDENTS: Nah!
NAMINE: Apparently remorse is something these kids need to be taught. And also probability.
{Cut to JoeyDay's office. Shwoo and Thatkidsam runs through the door.}
JOEYDAY: {shocked} The heck? Did you ever hear of a doornob?
THATKIDSAM: We have no time for this discussion! There's a roach in the nurse's office.
HAGGIS: {clears throat} Doctor's office.
THATKIDSAM: Yeah, nurse's office!
NAMINE: "Damn it, Thatkidsam! It's DOCTOR'S OFFICE."
SHWOO: Is there anything you can do?
JOEYDAY: I've got an idea. GET AN EXTERMINATOR!
HAGGIS: Don't those cost money?
NAMINE: At least his line isn't a fragment sentence this time...
JOEYDAY: Well, not this one. Just having him around for 5 minutes will make you pay.
{JoeyDay takes an advertisement out of his pocket.}
JOEYDAY: Exterminator Bub: Murderer of Bugs.
THATKIDSAM: Cool!
JOEYDAY: Wait, there's also a quote by him that makes you know he's serious. "I kick bug's-"
SHWOO: OK, I think we get the picture.
JOEYDAY: {shrugs} Also, you owe me $150 dollars for the door.
HAGGIS: Yeah, I guessed that. But the other two will help, right?
{Zoom out to show that Shwoo and Thatkidsam aren't there anymore.}
HAGGIS: {sighs, reaches in pocket} At least I don't have to pay extra for an exterminator.
NAMINE: Alliteration is not comedy.
{Cut to the class. JCM is eating his desk as a paper airplane flies over him.}
JCM: So hungry. Just missed lunch.
HOMFROG: Gosh, where's Mrs. Shwoo at?
NAMINE: Why are these people not given proper introductions? Why do I have to have a deeper knowledge and understanding than the intended demographic in order to make sure I don't get a migraine from not knowing who these people are?
WHY DOES NOXIGAR LIKE THIS SO MUCH?
{Shwoo walks into the room.}
HOMFROG: Wow, that was ironic.
SHWOO: I'm back and-JCM, why are you eating your desk?
JCM: Some things are better left unanswered.
NAMINE: "It's a plot hole I refuse to resolve despite the fact no average human's digestive system, regardless of its wavelength reflections, can"-
Now I sound just as heinously nerdy as Noxigar. Still, there is no real reason for the desk to be eaten.
{JCM burps up a pencil.}
SHWOO: OK...So, what were we going to do?
STUDENT: {offscreen} Leave.
{Everyone runs through the door. JoeyDay peeks in.}
JOEYDAY: Does anyone have any respect at all for our property?
NAMINE: I'd love to draw your property intact, but I'm obligated by "riffing protocol" to continue the riffing. After this episode is done, though, I can fix your property as if it was never damaged to begin with!
{JoeyDay see JCM's desk, with bite marks all over it.}
JOEYDAY: {dry} I'll take that as a no.
{JoeyDay leaves.}
{Cut to JoeyDay's office.}
JOEYDAY: Man, we called Bub hours ago! I wish he was here already so the others will stop whining.
{A gigantic truck drives through JoeyDay's wall and a buff man with a nametag saying "BUB" on his chest jumps out.}
JOEYDAY: {facepalms} Be careful what you wish for, Joey. Be careful what you wish for.
{Bub takes an axe out of his pocket and swings it around. JoeyDay ducks as it gos above his head. Bub talks in a big, booming voice.}
BUB: Where's the insect?! I don't have all day, you know!
{JCM walks into the office.}
JCM: Hi, Joey, do you know where the-Hey, who's that big guy over there?
BUB: {angrily} What did you call me?!
{Bub grabs JCM by the neck and picks him up. JCM tries to struggle free, with no prevail.}
NAMINE: No, don't kill JCM! Then Lightning Guy would have to be the main character!
And that would suck
BUB: I will not have some little brat go insulting me! {proudly} And I'm big-boned. You heard?
JCM: Heard what?
BUB: What I said?!
JCM: Of course I heard what you said. Do I look deaf?
NAMINE: There's no real way to look deaf.
{Bub growls and throws JCM out the hole in the wall. JCM flies out into a far distance. Bub turns back to JoeyDay, who is cringing in his seat.}
BUB: {calm} Now, like I said before, where is the insect?
JOEYDAY: {weakly} In the room three doors to the left.
BUB: Thank you.
{Bub walks out of the room and JoeyDay takes a sigh of relief.}
JOEYDAY: I wonder if JCM is okay. I'm done wondering.
{Bub walks into Dr. Haggis's office and sees Dr. Haggis giving the cockroach a massage.}
BUB: {shocked} The heck?
HAGGIS: Oh my gosh! This is not what it looks like!
NAMINE: What, it's not like you're giving the cockroach head.
Unless this is the substitute for that.
{Namine vomits}
{Beat}
BUB: I pray it's not
ROACH: This is awkward.
HAGGIS: Mr. Roach here says that he'll go away on his own if I do a few things for him. And I reluctantly said yes.
NAMINE: If someone told me they'd go away after "a few things" I'd be disturbed. I'd also run the hell away.
ROACH: And, whoo! He's good at this!
BUB: I'm just going to pretend I never saw this and cut you in half now.
HAGGIS: What?! That bug made me do it!
BUB: I don't mean you, I mean the cockroach!
HAGGIS: Oh. {steps aside} Feel free.
{Suddenly, the cockroach goes into a begging position.}
ROACH: No, please! I have a wife and three kids!
BUB: Oh, just tell me their location and I'll kill them, too.
NAMINE: I don't associate myself with Sarah from Records of Bell, thank God.
{Zoom into the roach as he walks to Bub and makes a rant.}
ROACH: OK, fine, do it. But, I know in that big space inside of you, there's a heart. And that heart knows that killing a poor sucker like me is wrong. Roach murdering isn't against the law yet, because most roach's voices are too small for the prez to hear. But, I want you to know, killing a bug is just as bad as killing a human. There may be billions more in this world, but that doesn't make it good! So, please, listen to that voice inside your head, or your lifelong imaginary friend, who knows what's right, and then, if you still want to do it-
{Snoring is heard. Zoom out to show Dr. Haggis and Bub asleep on the floor.}
ROACH: {jumps happily} Score!
{The roach's jump causes Bub's axe to fall on him and clop him in half.}
ROACH: Crap.
{JCM walks onscreen with marks all over him. He looks down at the roach.}
JCM: Yum! Chopped roach!
{JCM throws the cockroach in his mouth.}
NAMINE: Hey, people other than Noxigar and myself trying to riff. THIS IS WHAT VORE IS. And it's disgusting
{Namine dry heaves}
ROACH: {while falling into JCM's mouth} Nooo- {in JCM's stomach} Double crap.
NAMINE: Looks like we won't ever have to rewatch this scene again...
NOXIGAR: Hey, Namine. Are you enjoying yourself?
{Namine leaves. Noxigar sighs}
NAMINE: YOU CALL THIS ENJOYMENT?! DAMN, I SHOULD'VE MOVED BACK IN WITH ROXAS.
NOXIGAR: Why so serious? At least I don't beat all my friends senseless with Keyblades and act like a jackass...
NAMINE: BECAUSE AT LEAST HE WOULDN'T SUBJECT ME TO WATCHING THIS!
NOXIGAR: Come on, it'll get better... JCM writes better than a good 75% of the other people on this Wiki!
{The End}
