RiffText/JCM-MOVIES/16

The School Student School gets an unexpected substitute teacher.

NAMINE: How ambiguous.

Movie

{JCM, Sephiroth, and Ryan Bluefox walk to the School Student School's closed door. It has a note on it:}

Dear students, by the time you're reading this, I'll be in Australia for the rest of my life. I have already hired a permanent substitute for your convenience. Sincerely, Sam.

NAMINE: Because Super Sam would send in a substitute.

JCM: Hey, where's Super Sam at?

{Sephiroth and Ryan facepalm.}

SEPHIROTH: JCM, Super Sam's name is Sam.

JCM: {laughs} I know that! But I've never heard him be called "Sincerely Sam".

NAMINE: You're just lucky Noxigar can make worse puns than you.

NOXIGAR: If I ever run into Jacques DuFour again, I'll turn him into JacquesDuOne!
{Namine hits Noxigar with a brick.}

NAMINE: That was a horrible pun.

RYAN: OK, whatever. Anyway, how could Super Sam just leave out of nowhere and get some random substitute for us?

STUDENT: {offscreen} Did someone just say substitute?

SEPHIROTH: {worried} Oh no.

RYAN: {horrified} WHAT HAVE I DONE?!

JCM: What have you done?

NAMINE: Things. Many, many things. Many, many things which aren't your business.

{JCM turns his head to Sephiroth and finds him gone from his spot.}

JCM: What the?

{JCM turns the other way and finds Ryan gone, too.}

JCM: Oh no! It's like that dream I once had where a radioactive meteor hit Earth and I became one of the only two living things left, the other being Chuck Norris, of course, because nothing could kill him even in a dream!

NAMINE: Conclusion: JCMovies is a series of dreams JCM has.
NAMINE: Why does Noxigar like this?

{JCM gasps for air as the screen starts shaking and running feet are heard.}

JCM: Is that a stampede of escaped cows? This means only one thing.

{JCM jumps up into the sky as flowers, birds, Mr. Cloud, and Lightning Guy fly by and a rainbow appears behind him.}

JCM: I'm not the only living thing left!

NAMINE: Glorious assertion there, bud.

{JCM looks down.}

JCM: Wait a minute. How am I floating in the sky?

NAMINE: Because this is a dream?

{Suddenly JCM falls offscreen.}

{Cut back to the school. JCM's screaming is heard and it gets louder until he falls onto the ground in a thud.}

JCM: Well, it could've been worse.

{All of the School Student School's students run on JCM from offscreen to read the note.}

NACHOMAN: It's true! Super Sam has finally quit!

NAMINE: Not sure how that's worse, but okay.

{The students run through the school's door and JCM's head, bruised, pops out of the area they stood on. JCM coughs up a gopher, which shakes a fist at him, squeaks angrily and walks off.}

{Namine squints.}
NAMINE: Caddyshack, is that you?

JCM: Well, that was a groundbreaking performance.

{A shoe is thrown at JCM.}

MAN: {offscreen} You suck!

{Cut to the auditorium. Balloons are falling everywhere, food and soda cans are all over the ground, the kids are cheering, and Good Deal Dan's band is onstage singing "Celebration". Zoom into Chwoka, Skulllbuggy, and Eric in the audience.}

NAMINE: Who's Good Deal Dan?

CHWOKA: So, JCM's going to come in and ruin everything at any minute now.

SKULLB: Yeah. Well, at least we're having fun until then.

ERIC: Yep.

NAMINE: "Mhm. Best one-liner response ever, guys!"

{Cut to the outside of the school. The screen starts to shake again.}

JCM: Oh no! Another stampede! I'll never make it through this one!

NAMINE: Wait, what?

{A large shadow appears over JCM.}

JCM: Oh, it's just the substitute. Is there such thing as a stampede of one, sir?

{Cut back to the auditorium. The party is still going on when everything shakes.}

THEDENZEL: What the heck was that?

{The doors are kicked open by Mr. T, who's wearing a name tag with his name drawn in all capitals. He looks around at the auditorium angrily.}

NAMINE: Oh no, what has JCM done?

SINGERS: First name Mister. Last name T.

MR. T: Clean this mess up, fools!

{The students look at him in awe and fear.}

MR. T: You heard me! Don't make me repeat myself!

{The students continue staring. Mr. T looks at the floor.}

MR. T: {calmly} Please, you guys have not given me the best first impression. If I look up and this place still isn't clean, I... {cracking up} just don't know what I'm going to do.

NAMINE: You're going to clean it up with their blood? Something vulgar yet aesthetically amusing?

{Mr. T looks up and the auditorium is literally spotless, with the food, cans, balloons, and band gone.}

MR. T: {smiles} That's what I thought.

{JCM walks into the auditorium.}

JCM: Aw, I missed the party.

CHWOKA: Thank God.

JCM: Hey, Mr. T, I forgot to thank you for getting me out of the ground.

MR. T: {friendly} It was my pleasure. After all, no child left behind, right?

JCM: {laughs} Right.

NAMINE: The phrase "No Child Left Behind" isn't very entertaining if you're acquainted with the No Child Left Behind Act and how bad it was.

ERIC: Wow, I think I'm really going to puke.

NAMINE: Puke from what?

MR. T: Now, get in your classes all of you! Including the teachers!

{As the kids leave, Mr. T sees Thatkidsam sitting on the cooler.}

MR. T: What the heck are you doing over there?

THATKIDSAM: {sly} Just chilling.

MR. T: You're kidding, right?

THATKIDSAM: What? I'm a student teacher. I don't count in either group.

NAMINE: Some of the worst logic ever devised.

MR. T: {sighs} OK, you're replacing Joshua. Now, get your butt off that thing, fool!

THATKIDSAM: {shrugs} Whatever.

{Thatkidsam leaves the room.}

{Cut to Shadow Scythe's class.}

SHADOW SCYTHE: Today we will go back in time to 6 months ago, when the purge started. Now open your textbooks to page 9001.

{Everyone starts snickering as they open their textbooks.}

NAMINE: Over 9000 wasn't funny then.
NAMINE: It's not funny now.

SHADOW SCYTHE: Hey, what's so funny?

{Everyone continues snickering.}

SHADOW SCYTHE: No, seriously, what's the joke?

NAMINE: I've asked every JCMovies episode this very same question, and like Shadow Scythe, I lack a proper answer half the time.

{Everyone still continues snickering.}

SHADOW SCYTHE: Come on, guys, tell me!

THECHEESE: {snickering} I added an extra 0 to your page. It originally said... 901.

{TheChesse bursts out laughing.}

SHADOW SCYTHE: {laughs} Oh.

{Suddenly, Mr. T runs through the door and to TheCheese's desk.}

MR. T: You did WHAT?

NAMINE: "I just said I added an extra 0 to your page."

THECHEESE: {shocked} What did I do?

MR. T: Don't play dumb with me, fool! I don't just have the strength of a gorilla, I have the ears of a hawk.

SHADOW SCYTHE: Oh, go easy on him. It was just a practical joke. He does it all the time.

NAMINE: {imitating Mr. T.} "All the time, huh? Well, at some point it's gotta stop bein' funny!"

MR. T: Well, not anymore! I will not have any comedians in my school.

THECHEESE: But I'm a yearbook certified class clown. See?

{TheCheese takes a license out of his pocket with his picture and the printed words "Official Class Clown" next to it.}

NAMINE: Yearbook-certified
NAMINE: Yet he has a license in hand?

MR. T: Really? {puts on glasses} Let me see.

{TheCheese gives Mr. T the license and he observes it for a while.}

MR. T: Well, you've gotten me. You've proved that this license is BUMPKIS.

{Mr. T tears the license up and throws away the remains.}

THECHEESE: {horrified} But that was platinum.

MR. T: And now it's plati-none.

NAMINE: And that's how you do a proper pun!

Now do us all a favor and sit down and shut up.

{TheCheese sits down and Mr. T leaves the room. Shadow Scythe slightly smiles and continues the lesson.}

{Cut to outside. The students are discussing things at the Forum court.}

HOMSAR44WITHPIE: This new substitute is horrible! Viola Swamp ain't got nothing on him!

NAMINE: Who's Viola Swamp?

CHAOSVII7: Now let's think: How are we going to rid ourselves of him?

ZOO977: We could just ask him to leave.

EVERYBODY: No!

VINDICATOR: How about an idea less, I don't know, suicidal?

X ON FIRE: I've got it! We'll get him to commit suicide by going into his mind and figuring out his greatest fear.

STRONG INTELLIGENT: I'm sure the dude's only fear is becoming weak. And we already know that'll never happen.

{Everybody starts thinking in the Winnie the Pooh pose. JCM walks onscreen and starts thinking with them.}

JCM: Why are we thinking?!

NAMINE: "Because the plot demands we think!"

{Everybody jumps up and screams.}

EVERYBODY: {angrily} JCM!

JCM: Yes?

EVERYBODY: GO... AWAY! WE'RE TRYING TO THINK OF WAYS TO LOSE MR. T.

JCM: Well, that's easy. Just go to Australia and find Super Sam.

NAMINE: If only it were that easy...

{Everybody looks at JCM surprised.}

DINOSHAUR: Wow. That idea was actually brilliant.

JCM: Thanks, right back at ya.

DINOSHAUR: {dry} I didn't give an idea.

JCM: Well, right back at ya, anyway.

IM A BELL: Well, it's official, then. And since JCM's the one that thought it up, he gets to carry out this awesome plan.

JCM: Yay! I get to carry out my awesome- what? But I, I can't afford a plane ticket or boat or any form of overseas transportation.

IM A BELL: Think of something, because I can't handle another week with that man. I'll go mad, I tell you. Mad!

{Zoom in to Im a bell. He has swirling eyes and foam coming out of his mouth. Zoom back out. Everybody stares at him.}

NAMINE: Pretty sure Im a bell went made ages ago.

JCM: Good point. I'll do it, then. I will save Super Sam from the dingos and kangaroos and bring him back to the good old Wiki of City! I promise.

{Cut to JCM's basement.}

JCM: Now, what do we have here?

{JCM sees a rocket ship similar to the one in the 5th movie.}

NAMINE: CONTINUITY, AT LONG LAST

JCM: Definitely not that.

{JCM turns and sees a crudly made kayak with a bladeless paddle on it.}

JCM: Made that when I was 9.

{JCM turns again and smiles.}

JCM: Perfect.

{Cut to the School Student School. Badstar blows a gum bubble while he is standing in the hallway. Mr. T jumps from the right onto Badstar.}

BADSTAR: Dude, you're crushing my organs!

NAMINE: Dude, if your organs are crushed you shouldn't be talking!

MR. T: Spit that gum out right now, fool!

BADSTAR: Gum? Gum?

MR. T: Yeah! You heard me! Gum! The gum you're hiding in your shirt pocket right now!

BADSTAR: What makes you think I'm hiding this alleged gum in shirt pocket?

MR. T: Well, it gets a little obvious when you chew two or three at the same time.

{Pan down to show a large bump in Badstar's shirt pocket.}

BADSTAR: {nervous} Um, I can explain.

MR. T: Yeah, yeah, tell it to the judge.

BADSTAR: Who's the judge?

{Mr. T puts on a judges wig.}

MR. T: Me! SPIT OUT THAT GUM, FOOL!

NAMINE: If only Mr. T had a bit more personality to him...

{Badstar spits the gum into the closest trash can.}

BADSTAR: {murmuring} Next time, I'll try not to break rules outside the principal's office

MR. T: I heard that. And I knew you guys would try and sneak around, so I installed cameras all over the school. I check them every afternoon, so when you'd come back the next morning, you'd be greeted with a detention slip. Fortunately, you were stupid, so I'll let you off the hook. If you want your friends to know, tell them at the Forum court. That place is bugged too.

{Badstar gives Mr. T an ugly stare and walks off.}

MR. T: {shakes head} Tsk, tsk, tsk. {looks around} Say, where's JCM?

NAMINE: Consult with the cameras you just installed?

{Cut to Super Sam's house. Super Sam is inside on a couch watching television with Aldi brand chips and diet cola in his hand.}

LADY: {offscreen} SUPER SAM! Your room looks like it hasn't been cleaned in 4 years! Fix it!

SUPER SAM: But mom! I'm trying to mourn the mysterious disappearance of my best friend!

LADY: I wouldn't care if your best friend mysteriously disappeared! Clean your room!

{Super Sam sighs and gets up when JCM suddenly appears in a flash with a backpack.}

SUPER SAM: Where'd you come from?

JCM: I just used my teleportation device to transport me here.

NAMINE: ...you...didn't...establish that you had... a teleportation device...
NAMINE: No really, this device just came out of nowhere.

{JCM takes out his device to show Super Sam.}

SUPER SAM: Wow, I'm already bored. So, just tell me why you're here already. I'm about to do something.

JCM: Well, you see, the substitute you hired is actually legend Mr. T. He's either the worst or the best substitute in the world, maybe both, I don't know.

NAMINE: General consensus says he's the worst.

He's a strict disciplinarian who won't take crap from nobody, including teachers. He takes advantage of our fear of him by making us do whatever he want. He also has, like, super powers, with his great eyesight, strength speed, and hearing.

SUPER SAM: JCM, you have just described how I've dreamed of being like since I built the School Student School.

JCM: Oh. I didn't expect you to say.

SUPER SAM: I can't believe people still expecting things of me.

NAMINE: Fortunately, people eventually turn to JCM for that later on in the School User School's lifespan!

JCM: Could you just please come back? Why did you have to leave anyway? It was your school, I know some of the stuff we made was a little low quality-

SUPER SAM: A little?

NAMINE: I'm not laughing.

JCM: But that's not a reason to abandon us.

SUPER SAM: JCM, if I left things because of quality, I wouldn't have survived 3 days in Wiki City. I don't let other people's work there influence my descisions. These places aren't about that. It's about what you do with your life, not them.

JCM: Then why did you leave.

NAMINE: Forgetting a question mark, JCM?

SUPER SAM: I found out that Joshua was kidnapped.

JCM: Oh yeah! I was questioned by the police about that! Funny story. It seems that I had the oppurtunity to save Joshua when I bumped into his kidnapper but I didn't notice either of them. Heh.

{Super Sam looks at JCM angrily.}

JCM: You're... not laughing.

NAMINE: Neither am I.

SUPER SAM: OK, here's the deal. I'll come back.

JCM: Yay-

SUPER SAM: On one condition. You clean my room.

JCM: That's all?

SUPER SAM: Yep!

JCM: No problem, then!

{JCM runs offscreen. Super Sam sits back down on the couch and drinks a sip of his diet cola. JCM then runs back onscreen.}

NAMINE: Okay, why is it diet? If we had a characters page, maybe we can assert Super Sam to be diabetic? That's the only conclusion I can draw from this.

SUPER SAM: How the heck did you finish so fast.

NAMINE: You finished so fast that wasn't even a question!

My room is a pigsty!

JCM: Oh, I invented a cleaning machine for the job.

SUPER SAM: Cleaning machine?

JCM: Yeah!

{JCM takes a leaf blower out of his backpack and Super Sam's eyes widen.}

JCM: Now, don't worry, I filled this leaf blower with water and cleaning chemicals before using it. So, you can call it a "Room Washer". I first thought of using soap bombs but I realized that would have messed the place up.

{Super Sam runs to his room but then the water bursts out the door, flooding the entire house and eventually blowing it up.}

{Cut to water flowing through Australia. JCM and Super Sam's heads pop out.}

JCM: Hey! You know what this means!

{JCM puts his hand in the air and waves them.}

JCM: Party! Room wash party!

{Super Sam looks at JCM angrily.}

JCM: You're... not partying.

NAMINE: Neither am I.

{Cut to the School Student School. JCM walks into the hallway where the kids are in a crowd.}

JCM: Hey, guys, I'm back!

THE NOID: And you're here to tell us that you couldn't get Super Sam to come back? Don't worry. We knew you couldn't do it in the first place. We just wanted you to leave because Mr. T was already bad enough on us, and you're more manipulatible.

NAMINE: I think the word you're looking for is gullible

But after a long discussion, we realized that even though Mr. T emotionally scarred us in so many ways, he's made us better people in the long run and pushed us past our limits so we could overachieve in the future when we really would need his skills. So, even though we'll miss Super Sam, Mr. T was the best gift he's ever given us.

NAMINE: And thus JCM completely wasted his time cleaning Super Sam's room. Hoorah!

JCM: I was just going to tell you that Super Sam's coming. And we got here in a... new form of transportation.

THE NOID: OK, cool. Hey, we can screw Mr. T now! JCM actually got Super Sam!

NAMINE: Or we can just conclude with that. Sure. It's not like the writing actually improved or anything. We still need really bizarre plot twist conclusions which make no sense since the context warps around the actions.

EVERYBODY: Yeah!

JCM: {thinking} Here comes the part where everyone picks me up and carries me into the auditorium for the celebration party I never had.

{The students run offscreen and "Celebration" music is heard.}

JCM: Guys, I'm still here. Come on, I flooded Australia for this! Guys!

NAMINE: "UN's going to have a field day with my actions this episode!"

{The End}