RiffText/JCM-MOVIES/15½

Joshua gets in trouble with an old flame.

NAMINE: But Joshua's love life wasn't made explicit to the Wiki!

Movie

{Joshua sits down in a chair at the Wiki City Hospital lobby.}

WOMAN: Hello, Joshua. The patient is unoccupied in his room.

JOSHUA: Thanks.

{Joshua leaves the lobby and walks into a room in the hallway. He talks to an unseen patient.}

JOSHUA: I still can't believe I'm looking at you again, after all these years. It's like you were dropped off from an angel in Wiki Heaven.

{Cut to the clouds. An angel is standing next to a hole shaped like a person.}

ANGEL: I'm probably going to get fired for this.

NAMINE: ...for what, exactly?

{Cut back to the hospital room.}

JOSHUA: Like I've told you before, when you get released, me and the gang

NAMINE: The gang and I

at the school are sending you straight to prison, where you'll serve life for every law ever written in Wiki City ever, mostly just being a plain butt. Too bad you're unresponsive right now. The things you'd say make me chuckle on the inside.

{Joshua laughs emotionlessly.}

JOSHUA: To tell you the truth, I feel kind of guilty you're in here. Whatever happened, it must have been {echos deeply} epic.

{Joshua looks around confused.}

JOSHUA: Yeah, okay. The only reason I'm not in tears right now isn't just because I sensitively challenged.

NAMINE: I'm sensitively challenged

I know you're still proud of what you did to our school. You probably knew it'd go downhill after you were taken care of. If only we knew. If only we were as maniacally smart as you!

NAMINE: what

{Joshua bangs his fists on the patient's chest, causing the heart beat monitor to speed up. Joshua looks at it in terror.}

JOSHUA: Oh crap.

NAMINE: Since when is that something to "Oh crap" at?

{Cut to an outside view of the hospital. A scream is heard. Fade to black. The hospital room slowly fades into view.}

JOSHUA: {offscreen} Huh?

{Joshua is revealed to be lying under the window. He rubs his head.}

JOSHUA: What hap-? Oh, no. Oh, dear, no, no, no!

{Joshua runs over to the empty bed and looks at the window, which is opened.}

JOSHUA: He's escaped!

{Joshua takes out his cell phone and dials a number.}

JOSHUA: Officers, I need you help.

NAMINE: I need your help

{Cut to the back of the hospital. The silhouette from the previous episode climbs out of the dumpster and brushes himself off.}

JOSHUA: {voiceover} I was just talking to a Wiki City Hospital patient when he woke up...

{The silhouette looks around and runs offscreen.}

JOSHUA: {voiceover} For, um, unknown reasons.

{The silhouette runs down a sidewalk, appearing to be wearing Groucho glasses as a disguise.}

JOSHUA: {voiceover} You have to find this guy soon, because if you don't...

{The silhouette stops at a mailbox.}

JOSHUA: {voiceover} We could be seeing the return of...

{Zoom in to the silhouette as he takes off the Groucho glasses.}

JOSHUA: {voiceover} The NSMC Vandal!

NAMINE: Yeah, uh, if you think this is going to be an antagonist worthy of filling out these next few episodes, allow me to express otherwise. Given I know absolutely little about the NSMC stuff, I wonder if I should even be riffing it.
NAMINE: Why does Noxigar like this?

{Dramatic music plays.}

NSMC: {laughs} You might have thought it was the end all those years ago, Joshua, when, in actuality, it was just the beginning!

{The NSMC Vandal raises the signal flag on the mailbox and it opens. He jumps into the mailbox then it closes, while the flag simultaneously goes down. Pan left to reveal a bystander frozen in his tracks at what he just witnessed. A trampoline truck runs over him.}

{Cut to an underground lair. The NSMC Vandal is heard screaming as he falls in from offscreen. He lands head first into a chair in front of a giant screen.}

NSMC: {muffled} I need a better passageway.

{The NSMC Vandal pulls his head out of the chair and starts typing into the screen.}

{Cut to a view of the screen. A little green dot is shown on a map of Wiki City.}

NSMC: {smiles} Jackpot.

{The NSMC Vandal walks to a cabinet and presses a button, opening it to reveal a collection of weapons.}

NSMC: Now, let's see. Ah-ha!

{The NSMC Vandal pulls out of the cabinet a giant gun.}

NSMC: Look out, Joshua! You've finally met your match.

NAMINE: Of, if only anybody posed an actual threat to Joshua in terms of JCMovies characters.

{The NSMC Vandal laughs and pulls a lever, getting him sucked out of the lair.}

{Cut to a random toilet. The NSMC Vandal's head appears out of it.}

NSMC: Oh no. I pulled the wrong lever.

{The NSMC Vandal jumps out of the toilet and drys himself off with a towel. He leaves the restroom.}

{Cut to the police station. Joshua walks out nervously.}

JOSHUA: With my description, they'll find the vandal in a flash. I just hope I'm not too late.

{Suddenly, the giant gun is held to Joshua's head. Zoom out to show the NSMC Vandal next to him.}

NSMC: Guess what? You're too late.

JOSHUA: {sighs} Crap.

{Joshua raises his hands.}

JOSHUA: I didn't do anything to you that you didn't deserve.

NSMC: Because of you, I've been on the run for three years. Three years! If it weren't for that accident a couple of months ago, I'd still be.

JOSHUA: What accident was that, exactly?

NSMC: {squints} You don't need to know.

JOSHUA: You don't have to shoot me to get even. We could just play a game of basket. You're taller, faster, and smarter than I am, right?

NSMC: Right, but that's already been done in Space Jam, and I'm an original person, thank you very much.

JOSHUA: Do you have to be?

NSMC: Yes! Now stop throwing me off track. You ruined, so you have to pay! Got it?

{The NSMC Vandal cocks his gun.}

JOSHUA: {worried} G-got it.

NSMC: Now, before I do something I should have done a long time ago, do you have anything to say?

{Joshua starts to open his mouth.}

NSMC: Too bad. Your voice is one of the things I hate about you.

{Joshua closes his mouth and starts to sweat.}

NSMC: What? Oh, come on! It's 60 degrees out here!

{Joshua stops sweating.}

NAMINE: Ah, if only that's how sweating works!

NSMC: Thank you.

{Zoom in to Joshua's scared face. Then zoom in to the NSMC Vandal's sly face. It goes back and forth for a while until the NSMC Vandal finally pulls the trigger.}

{Cut to Joshua trapped in a net.}

JOSHUA: Wait, what? This is a freaking net gun?

NSMC: Well, yeah, what did you think this was?

JOSHUA: I don't know. A gun to kill people with?

NSMC: What? No, no! The censors would never let me do that!

JOSHUA: Of course. I should have known.

NSMC: Anyway, now that I've finally captured you, you're going for a little ride!

JOSHUA: Don't tell me. To Disneyland?

NSMC: You're not funny!

NAMINE: En contraire, I find Joshua to be the best part of this entire work!

JOSHUA: A little defensive, are you?

NSMC: I was actually going to take you to Homestar's Resort, but since you're being a smart aleck, I'll skip that.

NAMINE: I'm guessing JCM hates Homestar's Resort?

JOSHUA: Thank you.

NSMC: Stop that!

{The NSMC Vandal takes a wagon out of his pocket.}

JOSHUA: Where did that wagon come from?

NSMC: My pocket. Didn't you read the action?

{Namine groans}

JOSHUA: I stopped reading actions six and a half episodes ago.

NSMC: Well, now you know.

JOSHUA: Isn't that heavy for you, though?

{Suddenly, the NSMC Vandal's legs wobble and he's crushed underneath the wagon's weight.}

NSMC: Darn you and your relizations of the laws of physics!

{Namine blinks}
NAMINE: Why would you say that as a reaction to realizations of the laws of physics?

{Cut to the NSMC Vandal's lair. He falls into the chair again and when he pulls his head out, the wagon with Joshua in it falls on him.}

JOSHUA: You really need to think of a better passageway.

NSMC: {crying} Shut up!

JOSHUA: Why? I'm having so much fun making you feel insecure.

{The NSMC Vandal runs offscreen in tears.}

JOSHUA: {yelling} Your lair is dirty.

NSMC: {offscreen, whiny} Evil's supposed to be dirty.

NAMINE: Okay, this is actually a pretty terrible way to conclude the episode.

{Joshua looks around and sighs.}

{The End}

NAMINE: Although the buildup was good, the conclusion wasn't. At least we see a considerable amount of improvement, compared to the previous episode.