RiffText/JCM-MOVIES/15

JCM tries to bring the Decemberween spirit back to Wiki City.

NAMINE: Something tells me this goes wrong somehow.

Movie

{We start at a black screen. A light flashes on and reveals JCM's face.}

JCM: Where'd you get that flashlight from?

MAN: {offscreen} Does that really matter?

JCM: Yes. It does. That's a cool flashlight. I don't see them in stores.

MAN: It's made especially for us.

JCM: What are you, exactly?

MAN: I work for the police.

JCM: Details, man, details!

NAMINE: Specifics are important.

MAN: Will you just tell me what happened on the day of the incident?

JCM: Not until you tell me why the people in your group are the only ones that can get such awesome flashlights.

MAN: Do you want to go to jail, little boy?

NAMINE: That's... not something you can go to jail for.

JCM: No.

MAN: Then I suggest you cooperate.

JCM: Fine.

MAN: Good, then. Now I'll repeat, what happened on the day of the incident?

JCM: Well, you see...

{Cut to the School Student School. A bell is heard and all the students run out the door.}

JCM: It was the last day of school before Decemberween break. As usual, I was still stuffed in my locker.

{Cut to the school's hallway. Banging is heard in a locker with a tag saying "JCM' on it.}

{Cut to inside the locker.}

JCM: I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to-wait.

{JCM feels his pocket and pulls out a miniture rocket.}

JCM: My pocket rocket!

{Namine giggles for a few seconds}
NAMINE: This is just funny for all the wrong reasons.

{Zoom into JCM as he looks at the viewer.}

JCM: A rocket...for your pocket.

{Namine's giggling increases in volume}
NAMINE: You have my respect. Now give it back!

{The rocket flies out of his hand and causes his locker to blow up.}

JCM: NOO-

{JCM's book bag falls on him. He puts it on and leaves the school.}

{Cut to a road. A drunk driver runs into JCM causing him to fly offscreen.}

{Cut to JCM's house. JCM lands on his feet on the porch and walks in.}

{Cut back to the interrogation room.}

MAN: What the heck are you babbling about? None of this makes any sense!

NAMINE: My sentiments exactly.

JCM: Actually, it was a normal day.

MAN: Will you just fast forward?

NAMINE: I... thought you wanted specifics?

JCM: OK, fine. But I can assure you that happened about 5 hours before the incident.}

MAN: Tell me what happened four hours before it.

{Cut to JCM's house. He's reading a book titled "Moby Duck" upside down when a phone rings.}

JCM: {picks up the phone} Hello? Oh, happy Decemberween, Homfrog! What? You're planning on coming back to the School Student School?

{Cut to an outside view of Earth.}

JCM: {offscreen} Whoop-

{JCM is seen jumping off of Earth.}

JCM: {gasps} eee

{JCM falls back into Earth with a crash.}

NAMINE: That's certainly some jumping for joy.

{NachoMan walks next to JCM.}

NACHOMAN: What's your problem?

{JCM is about to say something when NachoMan stops him.}

NACHOMAN: No, wait. What's your latest problem?

NAMINE: Could've said it right the first time.

JCM: My Decemberween wish has come true!

NACHOMAN: I'm probably going to regret asking this, but what was that?

JCM: For Homfrog to come back to the School Student School, of course. Guess what? I just got a call from him.

NACHOMAN: Oh, no. Don't tell me-

JCM: Yeah! The school has just got one more active student!

NACHOMAN: Crap! The place sucked enough without him!

NAMINE: I'm not going to ask how it sucked enough without Homfrog.

{JCM's mouth goes sour.}

JCM: W-what?

NACHOMAN: I was right! I was going to regret it! Now I know ahead of time to leave that stupid dump before I get flooded with dirty thirdies.

{JCM's mouth unsours in surprise.}

JCM: Did you just say what I think you said?

NACHOMAN: Yeah, I did! Dir-ty thir-die. What you gonna do? Tell the cops on me?

JCM: I ought to! Maybe they'll put your foul mouth behind bars and we'll all be better off.

NAMINE: Oh joy, I forgot when this diatribe was actually commonplace elsewhere.

{NachoMan takes a swing for JCM and he ducks. JCM does a double pace, kicks NachoMan in the shin, and runs away.}

NACHOMAN: Ugh! I hate this place!

{Cut to a lawn. JCM is still running when he bumps into Dennis Dunjinman.}

DENNIS: Where are you going, blue one?

JCM: Oh, happy Decemberween, Dennis!

DENNIS: Dennis is a holiday atheist. In other words, she spends times in her room playing video games all year long, not letting calendar events challenge them.

NAMINE: That's...surprisingly a good modus operandi.

JCM: Really?

DENNIS: Yes. So Dennis asks again where the blue one was going.

JCM: Anywhere where NachoMan isn't. I got into a horrible fight with him and almost died! Fortunately, I had a knife with me, and killed him before he had the chance! I'm running from the feds!

DENNIS: If the blue one is really a wanted criminal, why isn't he running to someplace more safer than Dennis's lawn?

NAMINE: Why is Dennis talking like this? Did she really talk like this back in 2008?

JCM: Well, I couldn't think straight. I'm sure you know what that's like.

DENNIS: Is the blue one saying that Dennis has mind disorders?

JCM: No, of course no-

{Suddenly, The Mu jumps onscreen.}

THE MU: Don't worry, Dennis, the thought police...man is here!

JCM: Uh, I-

THE MU: You be quiet! You are getting a ticket for trespassing and disturbing the peace.

DENNIS: Dennis thanks Mr. Mu.

NAMINE: No, seriously. Stop having Dennis talk like that.

JCM: Oh, you've gotta be kidding me!

DENNIS: Oh, and Dennis forgot to say that the blue one admitted to murder of the highest degree.

JCM: What? No, I way lying to you to make my kick in NachoMan's shin become more nicer to my ego.

THE MU: So, you admit to assaulting him, though?

JCM: No, he tried to hit me first!

THE MU: Key word: tried! Not only have you shown this beautiful young lady what a horrible wimp you are, but you got two tickets in the process.

JCM: But I-beautiful?

NAMINE: Don't ask.

THE MU: You're coming to the big house with me!

JCM: I've got an idea! How about you give me your Decemberween blessing and let me go free? I promise I won't upset Dennis or even come 5 feet near her again.

THE MU: How about no? Decemberween is the worst excuse you can come up with. We don't make exceptions for holidays. The law is the law and-

DENNIS: Mr. Mu!

THE MU: What?

{Zoom out. JCM is nowhere to be found.}

THE MU: Oh. Well, I guess we can make this one exception.

DENNIS: Doesn't Dennis remember Mr. Mu letting the blue one walk in the midst of his rant?

THE MU: No, that was definitely an exception I made.

DENNIS: ...Clunk.

NAMINE: and this means... what exactly?

{Cut to a street. JCM is walking down it, thinking.}

JCM: {thinking}Man, first NachoMan, then Dennis, and now The Mu. Why doesn't anyone care about the greatness of Decemberween?

NAMINE: Some people's idealisms about the holidays meet an unintentionally grisly death.

{Music starts playing as JCM.}

NAMINE: Skipping the musical, since the lyrics are borderline uncreative, and skewed in such a manner as to completely butcher the nature of musicals.

JCM: {singing} Each day I walk around mistreated, but stay positive. Decemberween's one reason why I continue to live. It is something that everyone should always hold dear. It is the greatest time of the year!

{Cut to the interrogation room.}

MAN: Stop!

NAMINE: Thank you.

What is this? Yesterday: The Musical?

JCM: What? I was just recounting everything that happened yesterday.

MAN: {dry} You're making all of this up, aren't you?

JCM: Of course not! You wanted the truth, I'm giving you the truth! The truth is not always easy to believe!

MAN: OK, so let's recount this. You started out coming out of a locker with a pocket rocket, then a drunk driver knocked you to your house, then you talked to some random guy about a stupid event with a frog, then you talked to who appears to be a female cybergeek, then you were approached by a thought policeman, then you expressed your feelings in song. Correct?

JCM: Yes.

MAN: Get out.

NAMINE: Nice try on ending the episode faster, but there's quite a bit of padding that still needs to be done.
NAMINE: Why does Noxigar like this?

JCM: Wait! Just let em finish! OK?

MAN: Fine, but you have 30 more minutes to recount everything that happened, and if I don't hear anything relating to the incident yourself, I'm arresting you for withholding evidence.

JCM: Now, like I was saying...

{Cut back to the street.}

JCM: It is the greatest...time. Of the yeeeeaaarr!

{A glass bottle is thrown at JCM's head.}

NAMINE: It breaks, leaving JCM's head a bloody mess. JCM's head is a bloody mess because the glass shards are penetrating the skin and going into his skull. JCM then dies a slow, painful death while reliving some of the worst moments in history.

CAR DRIVER: Shut up, kid!

JCM: {offscreen} Ow.

{JCM gets up and walks to his house.}

{Cut to JCM's room.}

JCM: It's time to spread the spirit of Decemberween and bring these Scrooges to the dust!

{JCM then takes off his hat and shakes some pieces of glass out of it.}

JCM: No wonder my head was itchy.

NAMINE: That honestly isn't the reaction you should be having.

{Cut to Homfrog's house. JCM walks in. A knife is thrown right over his head.}

JCM: My goodness!

{Homfrog walks onscreen.}

HOMFROG: Sorry, one of my fake characters got angry that we didn't like his meal.

JCM: You made a chef character?

HOMFROG: No.

NAMINE: No wonder the meal was terrible!

{They both look at each other for a few seconds.}

JCM: So, how was your day, Homfrog?

HOMFROG: Fine, how was yours?

JCM: Normal.

HOMFROG: That's too bad.

JCM: So, I heard you're planning on returning to the School Student School.

HOMFROG: Yep, in the flesh.

JCM: I must warn you, there might be some students not as happy as others about it.

HOMFROG: Oh please, can you think of one person that doesn't like me?

{NachoMan's head appears in a thought bubble.}

NAMINE: Something tells me the Thought Police should be here arresting JCM.

NACHOMAN: The place sucked enough without him!

{The thought bubble goes away.}

JCM: You're right. I can't.

HOMFROG: I knew it. Now if you excuse me, I'm going to go fix some characters.

{Homfrog and JCM both walk their separate ways.}

NAMINE: Makes me wish Homfrog was actually here.

{Cut to a forest. JCM walks through it with the same knife that nearly killed him at Homfrog's house.}

JCM: The first thing a great Decemberween needs is a tree!

{JCM finds a tree and shoves his knife into it. He then tries to take it out but it doesn't budge.}

JCM: Oh, dear.

{Suddenly, TreeWithAChainsaw walks onscreen.}

TREEWITHACHAINSAW: What are you doing to that tree?

JCM: Oh no! It's TreeWithAChainsaw, defender of trees, nightmare of lumberjacks!

TREEWITHACHAINSAW: Yeah, it's me, in the living flesh. I wish I could say the same about you in a few seconds!

NAMINE: That is the most vague death threat I ever did see.

{TreeWithAChainsaw turns on his chainsaw and JCM cowers in fear.}

JCM: Please spare me! I was just trying to get a Decemberween tree to bring the spirit of Decemberween back to Wiki City!

TREEWITHACHAINSAW: Oh, that's all? Why didn't you just say so?

{TreeWithAChainsaw cuts off his chainsaw and reaches into his leaves. He takes out a piece of paper.}

TREEWITHACHAINSAW: This is a list of stores in Wiki City that sells fake Decemberween trees. You can have it, but I better not see you and that knife in this forest, you hear?

NAMINE: Eh, at least TreeWithAChainsaw helped move the plot along.

JCM: Yes, I hear! Thanks!

{JCM grabs the list and runs offscreen.}

{Cut to JCM's house. He brings in a small tree with lights on it.}

JCM: Great! Now all I have to do is get my shopping hat! I'm going to the mall!

{Cut to the interrogation room.}

MAN: 15 minutes.

JCM: Don't worry. I'm almost there!

{Cut to outside the mall. JCM walks onscreen with a Santa-like hat.}

JCM: Who would've known that my mom was keeping this under her pillow the entire time? It almost seemed like she was hiding it from me.

NAMINE: Why would she hide a Santa-like hat under her pillow?

{Skullbuggy drives into JCM, knocking him into the snow.}

{JCM gets back up.}

JCM: Whoa, that was a freak accident. Thank goodness I glued this to my head.

SKULLB: Crap, it survived.

NAMINE: Shouldn't Skullbuggy be arrested for, y'know, attempted homicide?

{Cut to inside the mall. Everyone looks toward him and laughs.}

JCM: Hey! I'm bringing joy and cheer to everyone already!

NAMINE: If you consider malice and suffering as joy and cheer then sure. Enjoy your schadenfreude.

I didn't even get one present yet!

{JCM skips though the various stores in the mall with a bag that gets bigger every trip.}

JCM: Well, that's more than enough gifts for every person in the city! And people even kept trying to steal my hat! I didn't know it was that cool! But that guy that succeeded then tried to light a match to it was confusing. Must've been a custom in his country.

{JCM is about to walk out of the store when his eye is caught on a chorus.}

SINGERS: Here comes the Decemberween Thnikkaman!

NAMINE: The Thnikkaman is the least creative Homestar Runner character ever devised. Why on Earth would you make him have a cameo? You're better off with Eh! Steve or someone who actually did a Decemberween special over him!

{JCM jumps with joy.}

JCM: Yes! The last ingredient to a perfect Decemberween! And just in the nick of time, too!

{The Thnikkaman walks out of the the mall and JCM runs to him.}

JCM: {quickly} The Thnikkaman, you need to help me! The people of Wiki City are losing their Decemberween spirit and you and I are the only one that can bring it back to them! You have to help me save the holiday, which is exactly tomorrow, please, for the love of Jupiter, please!

{While he talks, a silhouette is walking through the snow with a wagon containing a moving bag in it.}

THE THNIKKAMAN: Yeah. {takes off his sunglasses} Shut up, kid!

NAMINE: This is out of character for The Thnikkaman.

JCM: ...Is that a yes?

{The Thnikkaman shakes his head and walks offscreen.}

JCM: No, really!

{JCM runs after The Thnikkaman.}

{Cut to a street. JCM runs down it.}

JCM: The Thnikkaman! The Thnikkaman!

{Zoom out. JCM bumps into the silhouette with the wagon.}

SILHOUETTE: {deep voice} Watch where you're going!

JCM: Sorry, mister. You need help with the bag?

SILHOUETTE: NO! I mean, it's not that much of a problem. Thanks, though.

{JCM backs out the way and the silhouette continues on his way. Zoom back into JCM.}

JCM: Bye!

{Cut to the interrogation room.}

MAN: You let the freaking criminal pass you?

JCM: Uh, yes.

MAN: Are you insane?

JCM: Hey, that's not fair! I didn't know there was a person in that bag!

MAN: Well, you could have looked at the fact that the bag was moving and the man's reaction to your offer and put 2 and 2 together!

JCM: What does the number 5 have to do with this?

{The man facepalms.}

MAN: OK, you told me everything I need to know in detail, and with 7 minutes to spare. You can leave now.

JCM: Do I get a-

MAN: Please. You can have anything you want. Just get the heck out of here.

JCM: I just wanted one of those donuts you police guys eat.

MAN: You can have all of our donuts! Just LEAVE ME ALONE!

JCM: Cool.

{JCM walks out of the room and the man's face falls onto the table.}

{The End}

NAMINE: Okay. This episode's not nearly as awful as many of the earlier episodes were, but it's still pretty bad. You could've scrapped the Thnikkaman scene and it would've made for a surprisingly decent episode. I mean, the nature of people's cynicism and the idea of Decemberween needing someone to give cheer was actually accurately portrayed. Problem was, most of the episode's execution could've been a lot better if the writing wasn't so awkward.