RiffText/JCM-MOVIES/14

JCM gets in trouble with Sephiroth.

NAMINE: I shudder to think of what you did to cause Lex some disdain, JCM.

Movie

{JCM is reading a book upside down when Sephiroth comes in with hair similar to Michael Jackson's.}

JCM: Sephiroth, you really need to stop letting your dad give you haircuts. You said yourself that his taste his horrible, and for once, I agree.

SEPHIROTH: JCM, I cut my hair myself. Maybe if you were standing rightside up, you'd know that.

NAMINE: incorrigible

{JCM jumps on his feet.}

JCM: Sorry about the insulting your hair thing. It just looks like Michael Jackson's, and you know why that's a bad thing.

SEPHIROTH: {angrily} No, I don't. Why is it a bad thing?

JCM: Well, you see...

SEPHIROTH: Is it because he's black?

JCM: Um...

{Sephiroth continues looking at JCM angrily.}

JCM: ...Did I forget to mention he's a child molester?

NAMINE: sacre bleu

SEPHIROTH: That's it! I'm tired of all these Jaskson haters! We're going to prove who's the best after school!

JCM: What does that mean?

SEPHIROTH: We'll fight over him.

JCM: That doesn't sound right, especially in his context.

NAMINE: Well, here's to a first fight scene. Let's see if JCM can write one and it not have it exaggerated.

{Sephiroth walks offscreen angrily.}

JCM: Wow, I think he's serious. I'm going to have to fight my best friend!

{Cut to jail. JCM's father is in a cell.}

NAMINE: Great. We have to remember the last episode. Skipping the obvious awkward diatribe, since I've seen it before.

JCM'S FATHER: This is so unfair! I was temporarily insane!

GUARD: That only works with murder, idiot.

JCM'S FATHER: Oh.

{JCM walks onscreen.}

GUARD: No non-family visitors.

JCM: I'm his son.

GUARD: ...I don't see the resemblance. OK, you have 10 minutes with him.

{The guard walks offscreen.}

JCM'S FATHER: Did you come with my bail?

JCM: No. We don't have any money because you spent it all on...glue.

JCM'S FATHER: So, why did you come here.

JCM: Well, now that I know you can't run around telling everyone my personal stuff, I'm going to tell you about my day.

JCM'S FATHER: {sarcastic} Oh, cool.

JCM: So, after school, I'm going to have to fight Sephiroth.

JCM'S FATHER: Isn't he your best friend?

JCM: Yes, but he likes Michael Jackson more than me.

JCM'S FATHER: The child molester?

JCM: Yeah!

JCM'S FATHER: Well, maybe it's for the best.

JCM: Well, I just have this one little problem.

JCM'S FATHER: What?

JCM: I can't fight.

NAMINE: Okay, now this part makes sense. A little delayed to tying it to the current plot proper, but hey I guess JCM gets a good convo with his dad alongside.

JCM'S FATHER: You can't fight? Then, I guess it's time I teach you, then!

JCM: In prison?

JCM'S FATHER: Yes. It's going to be easy. Just punch your old man. If you can knock me out in one hit, you're officially strong.

JCM: Um, OK. Why would I do that?

JCM'S FATHER: Don't worry about me. I'm OK with it.

JCM: No, I mean why would I dirty up my hand with blood.

JCM'S FATHER: Oh, you did not just go there. Come on, punch me!

JCM: OK...

{JCM punches his father as hard as he can. His father doesn't budge.}

JCM: {shakes his hand} Ow! I didn't know your head was so full!

JCM'S FATHER: That's seriously the best you can do?

JCM: Yes.

JCM'S FATHER: Then you're going to die today.

JCM: Crud.

NAMINE: Then JCMovies can end?

{Cut to the School Student School. JCM walks in when suddenly a bunch of students ambush him. A microphone appears in front of JCM.}

STUDENT: {offscreen} JCM, how does it feel to know that your own friend is going to beat you up?

JCM: Um, what?

STUDENT: {offscreen} How does it feel to know you only have 3 hours to live?

JCM: I-

STUDENT: {offscreen} What is the last thing you want to say to the School Student School?

{JCM runs away. The last reporter is revealed to be TheDenzel.}

NAMINE: Oh wait, TheDenzel had an Interview show that was popular at the time!
NAMINE: At one point Noxigar wouldn't shut up about it.

THEDENZEL: Well, there you have it! TheDenzel with The Denzscoop for today!

{Cut to a sidewalk. JCM walks down it when suddenly, Mr. Cloud flies onscreen.}

MR. CLOUD: Hello there, fine sir!

JCM: {scared} Where did you come from?

MR. CLOUD: That doesn't matter! I'm here to sell you stuff!

JCM: Whatever you're selling, I don't want it!

NAMINE: ...

MR. CLOUD: Not even if it'll help you in the fight after school?

JCM: ...Were you spying on me?

MR. CLOUD: What? No? Everyone's talking about it! I just happened to overhear.

JCM: Well, what do you have?

MR. CLOUD: Why, thanks for asking! I have the perfect thing for you, and you're lucky, too! It's the last one in stock!

JCM: More like the only one in stock?

MR. CLOUD: {stern} Be quiet, I'm trying to make a living. {normal} The thing I have is "Fightsize", the greatest invention known to man!

NAMINE: Or maybe JCM shouldn't need something to fight Lex. After all, everyone knows the typical male protagonist revels in the odds being stacked against him. Noxigar keeps asking for that simulation I keep sending him in to have harder Xaldins!

JCM: It sounds like a stupid rip-off, which all of your products are.

MR. CLOUD: No, I actually worked hard on this one! I'll even give it to you for a free trial.

JCM: Oh, thanks!

{Mr. Cloud takes a bag from his fluff that has a muscle drawn on the outside. JCM grabs it and puts it on.}

JCM: This thing looks horrible!

MR. CLOUD: It isn't inflated yet.

{Mr. Cloud pulls a string on the suit and the suit grows into a big, buff, body.}

JCM: Wow, I look strong and sexy!

MR. CLOUD: Don't say that again.

NAMINE: Thank you.

{And with that, Mr. Cloud flies onscreen. JCM flexes then does the same.}

{Cut to the School Student School. JCM peeks out of a bush then walks out. Suddenly, students surround him.}

STUDENTS: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

JCM: Oh, come on! Sephiroth hasn't even gotten yet!

{The students stop.}

SEPHIROTH: {offscreen} OK, JCM, you're going down!

STUDENTS: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

NAMINE: Because the School User School was totally down with having fights for no reason!

JCM: No, I'm pretty sure that if you'll kill me, I'll go up.

THE MU: Please keep religious references out of this. Thank you.

{Namine tries to make sense of this scene, and reads the line an additional ten times to herself.}

STUDENTS: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

JCM: Wait! You haven't seen the last of it!

STUDENTS: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight?

JCM: Uh...yes.

{JCM pulls the string on his suit and it grows into the muscular body.}

JCM: Yeah! What do you say about that?]

{Sephiroth pokes the suit with a pin and it explodes.}

JCM: Oh. I'm going to have to pay for that.

NAMINE: You already did.

SEPHIROTH: That's not the only thing you're going to have to pay for.

JCM: {looks around worriedly} Wait! I've got something to say before this battle begins!

STUDENTS: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight?

SEPHIROTH: Fine, but make it quick.

NAMINE: Watch it be another lecture about morals or something.

JCM: Everybody here, who do you think you are? Every day, kids are seriously injured because of fights at school! It's sad how some don't make it because they were up against a strong guy and the person that was responsible end up in jail, with little to no chance of a bright future, because I don't know many colleges that let in people with jail in their record. No good colleges would do that at the very least. And you heartless jerks support these terrible fights! You don't care about who gets hurt! In fact, you want people to get hurt! With your "Fight fight fight" chanting and all that! Does no one give a crap about the law anymore?! And the teachers are obviously not doing anything to help! In fact, I'm about to fight a teacher right now!

NAMINE: ...
NAMINE: Exactly why does Noxigar like this?

SEPHIROTH: Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Well, I can't risk my position by hurting a student, so I'll just forgive and forget. What do you say?

JCM: If I didn't agree, why would I have made a long and cheesy speech which none of you probably listened to.

{The students all agree with things like "No", "No we didn't", and "I tuned out after 'everybody'" heard.}

JCM: Also, sorry about insulting MJ. I guess that it wasn't right to judge a man by past charges. Especially after he gets acquitted.

NAMINE: Wasn't it, uh, your fault in the first place? Oh, I dunno, for comparing Lex's haircut at the time to MJ's?

SEPHIROTH: Yes. Yes, you were wrong. But, let's put that all behind us. Wanna get some piemonade?

JCM: Mmm, piemonade. I mean, yes.

{Fade to a screen saying "The next day". Fade back. Chwoka and his silhouetted friends are talking when JCM walks onscreen.}

JCM: Hey, Chwoka. Your mom called me. She told me to bring you your lunch.

CHWOKA: Um, why did my mom call you.

JCM: Oh, we've been good friends since I told her about that unmentionable rule you broke.

CHWOKA: {angrily} You did what?!

NAMINE: Don't worry. The most that'll happen is a riff on one of your other works.

JCM: I wasn't exactly happy at you that day. But she obviously was because she gave me a badge of honor.

CHWOKA: That was my badge of honor! Right before she grounded me for a year, she told she burned it! But I guess putting it into your hands is the same thing.

NAMINE: Chwoka's mom probably understood JCM wasn't really his friend.

JCM: But, you know, that was over a year ago. Are we still cool, even though not being able to go outside for an entire year must have hurt?

CHWOKA: Oh, you haven't seen hurt yet, blue boy!

JCM: W-what do you mean by that?

CHWOKA: Guys! {snaps his fingers}

NAMINE: "Fight! Fight! Fight!"

JCM: Sephiroth was right...

{Chwoka's silhouetted friends start to surround JCM.}

JCM: I really need to keep my mouth shut.

NAMINE: THE ACTION NEVER STOPS

{The End}

Warning

{A black screen appears, with these words scrolled in from the bottom:

WONIN

This episode was made for entertainment purposes only.
We are not trying to protect Michael Jackson, who is,
in fact, a child molester.
Anyone stupid enough to personally apologize to Michael
for everyone else's mistakes will probably not like the result.
We are not responsible for any children sexually abused
as a result of any ideas they got from this episode.
Their families will have to deal with it while we get off scot-free.
Even though he got acquitted, that doesn't make Michael Jackson
any less dangerous to be around,
as the same thing happened to OJ Simpson and look where he is.
We are sorry for any misunderstandings.
-Clamburger Enterprises

Sephiroth walks onscreen.}

NAMINE: I guess this riff was kind of tasteless. After all, this was made before MJ died.

SEPHIROTH: Wait a minute! What the heck is this? I thought we made an agreement!

{Mores words scroll in front of Sephiroth:

REMEMBER

Always look at the fine print
}

SEPHIROTH: Blimey. Might as well get some chips, then.

NAMINE: Can you get me some chips, too?

{Sephiroth walks offscreen, and then comes back on.}

SEPHIROTH: Wait... Fine Print? That's it. {Pulls out a huge cricket bat} JCM, I'm gonna kill you 'til ya dead!

NAMINE: Well, at least the action stopped.

{Sephiroth runs offscreen}