RiffText/JCM-MOVIES/13

JCM is accused of theft.

Movie

{It is night at the School Student School. A JCM-like shadow appears on the door. It opens and the shadow disappears.}

{Cut to the school's basement. The shadow appears on the wall. It's holding a chainsaw. Pan left to show the chainsaw cutting a hole in the wall. A safe is revealed behind it. The chainsaw turns the lock a few times and the safe opens.}

{Cut to the back of the school. The door opens and the shadow is seen running off with a bag in it's hand.}

{Cut back to a view of the School Student School. The sky brightens and the moon turns into the sun. A high scream is heard. Zoom into the school. All the students turn as Super Sam runs out of the basement.}

SUPER SAM: Someone broke into the safe!

{Everyone but JCM gasps.}

JCM: You know, I never knew that you screamed like a girl.

{Super Sam looks at JCM awkwardly.}

SUPER SAM: OK, I'll pretend you never said that.

NAMINE: I, too, will pretend JCM didn't say something stupid.

Now, why would someone want to rob me?

JCM: I know! For money! Did I pass?

SUPER SAM: This is not a game! When I found out who did this, guess where he's going?

JCM: To an all expense paid trip to Free Country, USA?

NAMINE: No.

SUPER SAM: Yes. I mean, no! Will you stop that?

JCM: I knew it! {dances} I'm a genius, I'm a genius, I'm a genius.

SUPER SAM: Will you shut up? We have a mystery here.

JCM: Did you just say-

{Zoom in to JCM's face.}

JCM: Mystery?

{Zoom back out. JCM is wearing detective clothes.}

SUPER SAM: Wait, where did you get those clothes from?

NAMINE: Good question. Where did those clothes come from?

JCM: We have no time for questions. Detective JCM have

NAMINE: Detective JCM has

some answering to do.

{JCM walks offscreen and detective music plays.}

SUPER SAM: OK, I'm out of here, then.

{Super Sam and all of the students walk offscreen.}

{Cut to the basement. JCM walks onscreen with a flashlight in his hand.}

DETECTIVE JCM: {narrating} I'm here at the scene of the crime. So far, there's no clue of suspicious activity, but I better keep my eyes open just in case.

{JCM hits a pipe and radioactive gas squirts into his eyes.}

JCM: {covers eyes} Gah!

DETECTIVE JCM: {narrating} OK, I can do it with my eyes closed, too.

NAMINE: Technically you'd be blind.
NAMINE: And if the gas entered your lungs, probably suffocated.

{JCM walks into a wall.}

DETECTIVE JCM: {narrating} Darn! I can't do it knocked out.

{Cut to JCM's house. JCM finishes cleaning out his eyes when a knock is heard on the door.}

JCM: I wonder who that could be.

{JCM opens the door and his parents are standing there. JCM then closes the door on them.}

JCM'S FATHER: {knocks} Hey! Let us in?

JCM: What is that? Two adults that abandoned me in another country and forced me to flee here and fend for myself are at the door begging me to let them in here? There's something wrong with that statement.

NAMINE: Skipping this scene as this just reinforces some absurdities in the plot I really really can't stand.

JCM'S MOTHER: Listen, we're sorry. We didn't know that you were here. We thought that you were being taken care of at school. We just learned that the school was torn down by officials. We should've looked at the school before signing you to it.

JCM: Yeah, not one of your best moves.

JCM'S FATHER: {angrily} Hey, don't be talking about my wife's moves!

JCM: She's my mother, dang it!

JCM'S FATHER: And is that your excuse? NOW LET US IN!

JCM: Fine, you don't have to go all caps on me.

{JCM opens the door and his parents walk in with bags full of money.}

JCM: OK, where did you get that money from?

JCM'S FATHER: I got a job in Prance. This is from my paychecks.

{Everyone pauses for a moment.}

JCM: OK, whatever. I don't care. {walks offscreen}

JCM'S MOTHER: Honey, why didn't you tell him?

JCM'S FATHER: {mocking} honey, why didn't you tell himI know what I'm doing! He doesn't have to know about my addiction to glue yet!

NAMINE: Wait... an addiction to glue?
NAMINE: Pray tell, how do you plan on making this funny?

JCM'S MOTHER: But, we can't wait until it's too late.

JCM'S FATHER: Yes we can! That's why we have Obama!

JCM'S MOTHER: Who's Obama?

NAMINE: The current president of the United States who was recently re-elected.

JCM'S FATHER: My imaginary friend!

NAMINE: Or... we can work with this infallible logic.

JCM'S MOTHER: OK, I told you not to drink that bottle of glue while we were driving here.

JCM'S FATHER: But it's so gooey. I couldn't help myself. Oh, by the way, do you happen to have any?

{Pan right to show JCM listening to the entire conversation through a crack in his door. He then closes it completely.}

{Cut to the School Student School. JCM walks in. Suddenly a team of cops and a dog ambush him.}

JCM: Wah! What! Huh? How?

POLICEMAN: We know who did it!

JCM: Did what?

POLICEMAN: Stole the school's budget.

POLICEMAN: Budget. I like that word for some strange, stupid reason.

POLICEMAN: Budge it.

POLICEMAN: Hey, good one!

JCM: Detective JCM found out who broke into the safe? Who did it? Who did it?

POLICEMAN: Y-O-U spells...

NAMINE: "Dennis! Wait, no, that's not what it spells..."

{JCM thinks in a Winnie the Pooh-esque manner.}

JCM: Uh...could you use it in a sentence please?

{The policeman facepalms. He is about to yell the answer when JCM stops him.}

JCM: Wait, man, I got this one.

{The dog smells JCM's head.}

POLICEMAN: {quietly} So was there anything in there?

JCM: I've got it! It spells insurance!

NAMINE: Sure, we'll go with that...

POLICEMAN: {dry} No. It spells you. Maybe you should write that down.

JCM: Oh, I get it! Maybe you should write that down! But, it's kind of late for the sentence thing. Sorry.

POLICEMAN: You know what? Just put your hands up so I can arrest you already!

JCM: Why? Oh, is it because of that fire? I swear, I did not know that rope burn could destroy a place.

NAMINE: what

POLICEMAN: Thanks for giving us another reason to put your doubtingly existing butt in jail.

JCM: There's another one?

POLICEMAN: Yes. You broke into the school's safe.

JCM: No, I burned it down, not robbed it.

POLICEMAN: I'm talking about THIS one!

JCM: Ohhhhh. Wait, what?

POLICEMAN: Our dog matched the scent on the ground near the safe with the scent on your shoes.

JCM: My shoes don't have money on them! See?

{JCM attempts to take off his shoe.}

JCM: Heh, you know, I never noticed it was this tight.

{A rapper comes onscreen.}

NAMINE: Oh great, there's going to be a stereotype of something, isn't there?

RAPPER: Dawg, those shoes ain't tight. Word!

{The rapper disappears.}

NAMINE: Given how four years ago (2008), Noxigar might've found that funny...
NAMINE: I shudder to think of when this was made.

JCM: Almost have it...

{JCM pulls his shoe so hard that it flies off and hits one of the policemen in the head, knocking him out.}

JCM: Oops. It seems I don't know my own strength.

{A policeman writes in his notepad.}

POLICEMAN: Assaulting an officer. You're nearing a lethal injection, buddy.

NAMINE: What? Exaggerating penalties for misdemeanors isn't funny. At least theft and arson qualify as felonies...

JCM: Oh, in that case.

{JCM grabs his shoe and jumps out the window.}

POLICEMAN: Sparky, after him!

{The dog growls and jumps out the window after JCM.}

{Cut to a street. A little boy watches JCM being chased by a dog.}

BOY: Wimp.

NAMINE: Totally the reaction a little boy would have to another guy being chased by a ferocious dog.

{Cut to a sewer. JCM walks onscreen.}

JCM: Wait, how did I get here?

{A furry hand taps JCM's shoulder.}

NAMINE: oh hell no this isn't going to be guilty of making dumb furry jokes is it

JCM: Hey, mutant sewer rat.

{Zoom out to show that there is a giant rat behind JCM.}

JCM: Wait.

{Cut to another part of the sewer. JCM is being chased by a sewer rat.}

JCM: These animals just can't seem to keep their hands off me.

NAMINE: You probably smell like something alluring to rats. Cheese, maybe?

{JCM jumps into a pipe. The rat jumps in, too, but gets stuck.}

{Cut to a bathroom. JCM's head comes out of the toilet.}

JCM: Phew! Close one there!

{JCM's mother comes into the bathroom. She sees JCM and they look at each other for a while until she backs out of the room awkwardly.}

JCM: So, I've been accused of theft, like the description says, so I'm going to need to figure out a way to prove I'm innocent.

{The Jeopardy theme song plays as JCM thinks.}

JCM: I've got it!

{JCM jumps out of the toilet and runs to his room. He opens a treasure chest and takes out a bunny costume.}

JCM: With this and my "Con-O-Spray"-

{JCM takes out a spray can labeled "CON-O-SPRAY" and sprays it on himself.}

NAMINE: "Then I'll become a delectable dish for a dog who seems to jump at the impulse to kill a little boy!"

JCM: I'll be able to fool that dog, giving me more time to find answers as...

{JCM puts his detective hat on.}

JCM: Detective JCM.

{Cut to the school. The dog jumps back into the window.}

SUPER SAM: Did you get that backstabbing blue boy yet?

{The dog shakes his head.}

NAMINE: "No, but I smelled a talking rabbit. That must've been what distracted me!"

POLICEMAN: No! That means he's on the run! Who know what kind of cunning disguise he's getting into now?

{JCM in his rabbit costume is seen outside the window hopping. Everyone sighs.}

RYAN BLUEFOX: I can't believe that he would do something like this!

NAMINE: You and me both, buddy.

ERIC: I never trusted him.

{Cut to the back of the school. JCM goes into the door.}

JCM: Time for some clue-finding.

{JCM looks around the basement. He slips on something.}

DETECTIVE JCM: {narrating} Great. What now?

{JCM shines a flashlight on what he slipped on.}

DETECTIVE JCM: {narrating} Glue!

{JCM gets a shocked expression on his face.}

DETECTIVE JCM: {narrating} What kind of idiot would leave this glue lying on the floor like that? Besides me?

{JCM thinks for a second.}

DETECTIVE JCM: {narrating} Daddy.

NAMINE: That's the conclusion you immediately jump to. Way to keep the plot going, chap.

{JCM takes off his hat and leaves.}

DETECTIVE JCM: {narrating} I should've known. What else would he be hiding from me that's important?

{Cut to JCM's house. His father is eating a sandwich when JCM walks in and smacks it out of his hands.}

JCM'S FATHER: Oh my god! Big Bunny! I only heard of you in stories!

JCM: I'm your son!

{JCM tears off his costume and it pans to his father before we can see what was under the costume.}

JCM'S FATHER: Oh. JCM.

JCM: You see, it's kind of sad how my parents keep forgetting who I am.

NAMINE: "Among other ostensible offenses they keep performing on me that scar me for life"

JCM'S FATHER: What are you doing in...not school?

JCM: Oh, I'm just hiding from a crime that my DAD committed!

JCM'S FATHER: ...How did you know?

JCM: Detective JCM helped me out by finding some glue with saliva in and knowing that you're the only person crazy enough to leave glue there like that, much less drink it at all.

NAMINE: "In other words, bowel instinct!"

JCM'S FATHER: I'm sorry, son.

JCM: Why would you be sorry? You only probably ruined my life forever!

JCM'S FATHER: I was drunk! And poor!

JCM: What happened to your money?

JCM'S FATHER: Well, I spent half of it on your private school and another half on...glue.

NAMINE: As opposed to opiates?

JCM: You're the sickest man I've ever known.

JCM'S FATHER: They had so much in Prance.

NAMINE: Glue in Prance is used for sickening addictions?
NAMINE: Why didn't JCM's mother divorce him?

I don't think I had ever been that happy before.

JCM: What about when I was born?

JCM'S FATHER: I don't think I had ever been that happy before.

JCM: Anyway, I'm going to have you sent to rehab, so you better kiss that last bottle of glue goodbye!

JCM'S FATHER: Don't worry, JCM. I will voluntarily turn myself in the second I get to that school! I will not let you take the blame any longer!

NAMINE: Good, good.
NAMINE: It's only good because that means the episode ends sooner.

JCM: Maybe they'll even let you go for temporary insanity! Oh wait, but it's not temporary. Now, stop trying to go off-topic.

JCM'S FATHER: See ya!

{JCM's father runs out the door.}

NAMINE: He runs for the hills. Instead of going to the school, JCM's father jumps off a cliff in order to commit suicide. The various people within JCM's province host a funeral for him, luring JCM's mother, who is sent to jail for child abuse among other atrocities she committed in the previous episodes, and JCM, who is still considered to be the thief of Super Sam's money and awaits trial the morning after.

JCM: Now to call the hospital.

{JCM's father opens the door again.}

JCM'S FATHER: Oh, and by the way, there's leftover carrots in the fridge.

{JCM looks in the kitchen's direction desirably.}

JCM: Eh, the call can wait.

{JCM walks offscreen.}

NAMINE: Wait, no offscreen dialing of the phone after JCM's dad just came back to tell him about leftover carrots in the fridge? Also, why did that line even consider itself relevant? JCM's bunny costume was destroyed several minutes ago.

{The End}

{Cut to a white screen. JCM walks in looking serious.}

JCM: So, now that you've had you laughs, it's time for a P.S.

MAN: {offscreeen} Ahem, A.

JCM: A what? Anyway, million of children have died each year as a result of drinking too much glue, most between the ages of 4 and 7. We've just recently found out that it was glue that caused all of those deaths. So, this episode was made to express the dangers of paste-drinking. Even though it may not go as far as stealing, people who drink may have slurred speech, an inactive brain, and did I mention that it can get stuck in your throat as fast as 5 wads of bubblegum can? So, paste-drinking is a serious no-no, and if a rebel offers you some, say no-no. And if you suspect that your friend may be paste-drinking, call the rational hotline at 1-800-BOO-GLUE now!

NAMINE: So, now that I've had my share of how horrible this episode is, it's time for a P.S.

HOMSAR: Alphabetical beginnings.
NAMINE: What? Anyway, millions of people have died each year as a result of brain cancer. Brain cancer can be triggered by stress among other problems. It might lead to a stroke. Stress can be caused by anger, by overwhelming your brain, and by various other methods which ostensibly cause the terminal illness. So, this episode's riff was made to express the dangers of brain cancer. Even though it may not go as far as other kinds of cancer, like prostate or lung cancer, people who get brain cancer might be mistaken for Alzheimer's patients, or have trouble thinking because of the tumor stuck in their skull. So, causing the stress by pissing people off is a serious no-no, and if a rebel offers to cause some brain pain, say hell no. And if you suspect anyone to be inadvertently causing brain cancer, hit them with a brick.

{Namine hits Noxigar with a brick.}