(even if you aren't vegan)
RiffText/HomestarEmbarassed
This includes uses of suicide references, toilet humor, overall disgustingness and general fuckery. |
Opening Comments
{Open to Lex, sitting by himself at the bar, looking haggard and worse for wear. He's holding a mug of lager, which he downs in one gulp. The door behind him opens, and Chaos walks in and sits next to him. Lex just stares into space.}
CHAOS: Lex? You okay, man?
{Lex lets out a heavy sigh before ordering another pint. Another person walks into the bar. This time, it's StroHersh. He sits on the other side of Lex, noticing his grumpy demeanor.}
STROHERSH: Eh, what's wrong?
{Lex lets out another heavy sigh as he's handed another mug.}
STROHERSH: How long has he been like this?
CHAOS: I don't know, I've just gotten in. He's not doing so good.
LEX: Ugh.
{Lex picks up the mug to drink it. Instead, he ends up pouring it over his head, breaking him from his trance state.}
CHAOS: You need to go home, Lex. I'll drive you there, if you want.
{Chaos goes to guide Lex off his bar stool, but Lex swats him away.}
LEX: No, man. This is something that needs to be done.
{Lex checks his watch.}
LEX: Shit. Time's up already. Catch y'all later.
{Lex picks himself up from the bar stool and makes his way out of the exit. As he leaves, Noxigar comes in.}
NOXIGAR: What's up with him?
CHAOS: Don't ask.
{Cut to Lex's house, where he pulls up "Homestar Embarassed" from his filing cabinet. Groaning and muttering to himself, he picks up the file and opens it.}
LEX: Here goes nothing...
Chapter 1
First of all, Homestar is pronouncing his r's
LEX: arse
like w's, but I just wrote it as the real word instead.
_________________________________________________________
One day, Homestar and Marzipan were at the mall.
LEX: wait did bubs get an upgrade to his concession stand
Homestar wanted a drink so he said; "Marzipan, can I have some money so that I can buy a soda?"
"Sure" said Marzipan. Marzipan gave Homestar the money and he bought a soda.
Then they go walking around the mall. When they were walking, an announcer said;
"The bathrooms will be down for a while."
LEX: for what reason though??? does this mall just pick random times where they shut down all their bathrooms out of nowhere
LEX: because that's a bit of a dick move don't you think
Homestar did not pay attention to this message and kept drinking his soda. He finished his soda and said to Marzipan; "Marzipan, I have to go to the bathroom".
LEX: jesus christ homestar you're like a petulant child why do you have to announce this stuff she's your girlfriend not your mother
"Homestar, the bathrooms are down" said Marzipan. Then it started to rain.
LEX: let it rain on these hoes
"I need to pee" said Homestar.
"You'll just have to hold it, Homestar" said Marzipan.
Homestar and Marzipan keep walking around the mall and then Homestar says;"Marzipan, I really, really, REALLY need to go pee!!"
Marzipan said; "Just hold it!"
Then Homestar started to cry and said; "Marzipan, it HURTS!" Marzipan didn't really care though.LEX: wow what a bitchThen they see Strong Bad. Strong Bad said; Hey, Homestar!" Then Strong Bad took a bottle of water and poured it in a bowl.
LEX: wait where did he get a bowl fromLEX: why would strong bad just be carrying a bowl around
Then Strong Bad says; "Think that was bad?" Then Strong Bad pour lemonade in the bowl.
Yellow liquid. That made Homestar cry more. Then The Cheat comes up to Homestar and scares him.
Homestar peed a little in his underwearLEX: oh jesuswhen The Cheat scared him. Then Homestar says; "I can't hold it any longer!" Homestar starts to pee on himself
LEX: OH JESUS.and the floor. Strong Bad said; HAHAHA!!!!! I gonna video tape this and put it on YouTube!" The next day, Marzipan is on YouTube and sees the video and laughs.
LEX: wow don't support him or anything just laugh at his misfortune like okay
Homestar sees Marzipan laughing and he cries.
Homestar goes outside and everybody he sees said; "Hey Pee-Pee star!"LEX: it's like high school all over again ;n;
Homestar cries, again.
__________________________________________________________
What will happen next? FIND OUT IN THE NEXT CHAPTER!!!
Chapter 2
Homestar then stops crying and goes back in his house.LEX: wait where was he to begin with
LEX: logging onto the internet? what does he still have dial-up or something
he sees an advertisement saying; " CLICK HERE FOR A 3 IPOD!!!!!!".
LEX: just a srs note here, i swapped "free" to "3" because it picks up on spam filters otherwise
LEX: i'd take a moment to explain why this is a shitty idea but in all reality homestar is hardly the brightest bulb in the pack
LEX: I AM IPOD.will be delivered in 48 hours". "I can't wait till my iPod arrives!" said Homestar. Homestar then goes on Marapets (a virtual pet site)
LEX: oh my god not even neopets but the shitty knock-off site WHAT A LOSER
and sees another advertisement that said; "SHOOT THE DUCK FOR A 3 LAPTOP!!!!".
When Homestar saw this he said; "Wow! First a 3 iPod, now a 3 laptop!". He shot the virtual duck and filled out the form on the website. Then, the computer screen said;
"You're 3 laptopLEX: I AM FREE, LAPTOP. I AM FREE!!
will be delivered in 48 hours".
Homestar is so happy for these 3 offers. He tells everybody that he is going to get a 3 iPod and laptop. Strong Bad heard this and then said; "Nothing in life is free, Homestar".LEX: wise words from a guy in a wrestling costume
"Oh yeah? Then i'll show you the laptop and iPod when I get it in the mail!" said Homestar. 48 hours later, Homestar's 3 laptop and 3 iPod arrive.
"YAY!! MY 3 IPOD AND 3 LAPTOP!!!" said Homestar.
"Let's see it then" said Strong Bad Homestar opens the box that was suppose to have the iPod in it, but doesn't find an iPod... Then, everybody was in shock.LEX: dun dun DUNNNNNNN
LEX: oh jesus
said Strong Bad.
Everybody laughed. Homestar looked so embarrassed, so he opened the box that was suppose to have the laptop in it,LEX: why would you go and do that after already getting a turdand finds another turd!
LEX: surprise surprise
The letter in the boxes said; "FOOLED YOU!!!".
Homestar was humiliated.
"See Homestar, nothing in life is free" said Strong Bad. Homestar started to cry.
Then, Marzipan said; "Homestar, now you've learned your lesson, never trust anything that says it's free, it'll just be a box of poo-poo".LEX: wow marzipan you are such an unsympathetic bitch
Chapter 3
Homestar went back home and tried to forget about the turd.
LEX: you will never forget about the turdHe was hungry so he ate some marshmallows and watched some TV. Then after that he decided to go online, so he went on MSN
LEX: two thousand and late
but there were only 2 people online.
“Let’s see, Evan A Martin is idle, so he isn’t gonna reply. Aww, what a shame, Ava-I Love HomestarLEX: just in case anyone is curious, this is the author's self-insert. i'd be a bit concerned if i were dating someone and i had a contact on msn who's name declared their love for me like creepy
is offline.
Pompom is online, but busy. OH CRAP! I forgot to return this bladder health book back to the library!” Said Homestar.
Homestar went to the library to return that pee helpLEX: whatbook. On his way there, his stomach felt like he was gonna have diarrhea
LEX: whatsoon.
He was inside the library and waiting in line to return the book.
Then some girls said, “Oh look, it’s pee-pee starLEX: HIGH SCHOOL
from that youtube video!”.
“DammitLEX: janet
Strong Bad, why did you have to put that on youtube?!” Homestar said to himself.
His stomach started grumbling. Then he was finally next to return his book.
The librarian said, “May I see your library card?” Homestar said “sure” but when he bent over to get his library cardLEX: wait where is he getting the library card from WHY DOES HE NEED TO BEND OVERhe farted
LEX: oh noand then diarrhea
LEX: PLEASE NOcame bursting out of his butt; all liquid.
LEX: NO YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THISBursting into the air from his underwear like a water hose
LEX: NO WHY NO WHY GOD NO WHY
showering the whole library.
People screamed and one kid even said “MOMMY! I’M SCARED!”.LEX: I'M SCARED TOO, SON. I'M SCARED TOO.The librarian ducked under the desk. Then Marzipan came into the door all happy looking then she gets knocked down on the floor by Homestar’s brown watery stream.
LEX: holy shitMarzipan looks pissed. Homestar finally stopped pooing liquid.
LEX: what the fuckHe was crying though. But then he started to pee;
LEX: WHAT THE FUCK
all over his feet.
The librarian came up and said, “Here, I’ll renew this library book because you need it. You still have bladder issues. May I suggest books on bowel problems?”
“Fine.” Said Homestar.
LEX: IT'S OVER THANK GODHomestar left the library with the books and went home. He took a shower and washed his little butt.
LEX:
The next day Marzipan is convincing Strong Bad to go to the library with her to find a book.
LEX: fuck you your not my mum!!!
said Strong Bad.
“Yes, you have to Strong Bad” Said Marzipan.
They went inside the library and then Strong Bad sniffed the air and said,
“Eww! What’s that smell? And what’s that brown all over the library?”LEX: so what, like the library just stays in business without it being cleaned like what the fuck man
Marzipan said, “It’s a long story Strong Bad, a long story…………”
Chapter 4
A few days later, Homestar was invited to go out to dinner with Marzipan, Strong Bad, Strong Mad, Strong Sad, The Cheat, Pompom. Coach z, Bubs,The King Of Town, The Poopsmith, and Homsar didn’t get invited though.
So they all went to Sonny’s to eat;
“May I take your order” said the waiter.
“Patrick Star?” said Marzipan.
“Yeah! It’s me! Patrick!” said Patrick.
“I’ll have a salad with crutons, beans, tofu, and a water.” said Marzipan.
“Yeah I’ll have a steak, some baby back ribs, a hamburger with french fries, and a root beer.” said Strong Bad.
“Oh! I’ll have a salad, coleslaw, fries, garlic bread, and a sprit.” said Homestar.
“I WANT A COKE AND FRENCH FRIES! NOW!!!” said Strong Mad.
“I’ll have the baby back ribs with a pepsi.” said Strong Sad.
- Bubble Bubble* said Pompom.
“The Cheat will have a diet coke with beans.” said Strong Bad.
Meanwhile, Patrick was picking his nose and writing down the orders.
“EWW!” said Strong Bad; “This is the guy who’s gonna give us our food? HE’S PICKING HIS FREAKIN’ NOSE!”
“Almost got it….GOT IT” said Patrick pulling out a huge white booger from his nose and putting it on The Cheat.
“meh meh” said The Cheat sadly.
While waiting for their food, they chit chat.
“I heard that the library got shut down.” said Strong Sad. “Why I wonder…”
“Hehehehehe…..”laughed Homestar very weakly.
“Because Homestar crapped all over the freakin’ library!” said Strong Bad.
“HERE’S YOUR FOOD!” said Patrick.
"WAH!” Patrick slipped on a banana peel and the food went up in the air and landing in Marzipan’s hair and all over her.
Then the coke spilled in Homestar’s lap.
“UH OH ! I GOTTA POO!” said Patrick running to the bathroom.
“I’m gonna go try to take this coke stain out” said Homestar.
Homestar walks towards the bathroom and as he opens the door, he hears a loud fart coming from Patrick.
“UUHG!! IT’S COMING! Oh, by the way Homestar, here’s your garlic bread.” said Patrick.
“Um, why is it brown?” said Homestar. “Oh, I must of mixed that up with the toilet paper…” said Patrick.
“EWWWW!” said Homestar, as he tried to take the stain out he said, “I gotta pee.”
So he went, but he had his eyes closed so he peed on the floor.
Patrick went to go tell everybody that Homestar peed on the floor (Even though Patrick pulled out that booger and had to poo, he tells on Homestar).
Homestar was upset and humileated and he cried :’(
Strong Bad was laughing so hard and Marzipan was laughing very eviliy.
“Oh I’ll get Patrick next time….” Said Homestar.
Chapter 5
After the restaurant, they all did some crap then it was nighttime. Then morning came.
Homestar wakes up and goes to eat breakfast. He feels depressed and doesn't want to live anymore because of all the embarrassment. :'( He starts to think about all the people who have hurt him and so on, then he cried.
Without thinking deeply, he goes to the bathroom and turns the bathwater on, and gets a razor blade.
He tries to cut himself, But he can't.
"Ow!” Said Homestar. “Screw this, I'll try pills.”
Homestar reaches in the medicine cabinate and chooses some pills, without looking at the label.
“I want everyone to feel bad about what they've done; I'm gonna call them all over to my house.” Said Homestar.
Homestar then calls everyone, even the people who were his friends (Pompom).
An hour or so later, they arrive.
“Everyone! I am going to take my own life ;_;.
I'm doing it in public to make you all feel so bad.” Said Homestar.
Homestar then gulps down a huge bottle of pills.
"Hey Crap for brains! You just gulped down STOOL SOFTENERS” Said Strong Bad. Everyone started laughing
“uh oh” Said Homestar, farting a lot. “I gotta go!”
He runs to the bathroom farting loudly.
“AHAAHAHA! HA HA HA” Said Patrick Star, who was hiding behind the couch.
“When did you get here?” Said Strong Bad
“I was always behind here. Ever since yesterday” Said Patrick
Everyone slowly backs away from him.
Homestar screams and Pompom ran to see what happened.
“AHHHHHH I FEEL MY INSIDES ARE COMING OUT” Said Homestar with a loud fart.
“BUBBLE BUBBLE” Said Pompom, giggling.
“No more suicide X_X” Said Homestar
“I WIN!” Said Patrick.
“Go away Patrick” Said Homestar
“Make me. I can probably beat your butt up!” Said Patrick
“I don't think so. Blow it out your ear!” Said Homestar
Patrick then jumps on Homestar, pushing Homestar off the toilet. He proceeds to punch Homestar in my stomach, and while he does, Homestar farts and diarrhea comes out.
“Stop!” Said Homestar
“You deserve this!” Said Patrick, starting to spank Homestar
“EWW” Said Strong Bad
Homestar then kicks Patrick crotch. Patrick then yelps and falls down. Marzipan comes in.
“Aww Patrick! :( Did Homestar hurt you?” Said Marzi.
“Yes he did. He's a butthole! He pooed on me too!” Said Patrick
“That's a damn lie!” Said Homestar
“See! He cussed!” Said Patrick.
“Lets clean you up Patrick, then we can go on a date” Said Marzi.
Patrick then smiles. They both leave to have a shower together.
“Well, we better go too” Said Strong Bad. They all leave, except for Pompom.
“Bubble bubble?” Said Pompom
“No, it's fine pompom. You can go” Said Homestar. Pompom shrugs, then leaves.
“ugh, nothing works. I guess I'll have to face this a lot now X_X” Said Homestar. “and I STILL didn't defeat Patrick yet. But I will” Said Homestar in an angry voice.
Aaannndd, the rest is to be continued :D
