RiffText/Comp/4

Comp Part 4

(Red is sat at his computer, playing a generic FPS. It is the dead of night. He sips on his drink and then shouts down the microphone)

Red: You gotta gank 'em. Gank. Gank them goddamnit or we're toast. Get your gank game- piss.

NAMINE: Gank Game Piss sounds like a terrible thrasher metal band.

We're toast now. Your ganking quota

NAMINE: There was a quota to Player v Player combat? I can sympathize with the need to feel sophisticated, at any rate.

was not sufficient and where are we now? Toastville.

(A notification pops up on Reds monitor.)

NAMINE: I was hoping it would pop on on Blues monitor, but I'll take Reds monitor for now.

Red: One moment.

(Red looks at the notification)

Red: Ah, jeez, this is bad news! I gotta go! Remember to gank!

(Red violently turns his computer off, grabs a hat and coat and runs out the door! Into a phone booth)

NAMINE: Phone booths still exist in 2013?

{Short pause}

NAMINE: He could be cosplaying as Dr. Who.

Red: Gotta call Cleo! Ah, geez, my arms aren't strong enough to dial these three-dimensional buttons!

NAMINE: How is pushing a button relevant to arm strength?

Smart phones have ruined my ability to press anything with weight down! I'll just have to pretend its a keyboard, and I'm sassing tryhards!

NAMINE: That's one way to look at it, I guess. I mean, if you couldn't press a button on a phone, I suspect you'd have trouble sassing tryhards with a computer.

(Red dials Cleo, who picks up)

Cleo: Who is this

Red: It's your friend, Red!

Cleo: Real talk, dude, we know eachother basically only because you visit out breakfast shop everyday, we're not exactly friends-

NAMINE: Now I wish I had a breakfast shop, just so I could sass people the way Cleo does.

Red: I need your help! It's urgent!

Cleo: Okay, what's the issue?

Red: It's Adrian! It's his birthday! He's a whole year bigger than he was this time last year, it's the date of...of his birth and shit!

Cleo: I know Adrian about as well as I know you, how can I help?

Red: You're his friend! You're our friend! We gotta throw a party we gotta get presents!

Cleo: For...for Adrian?

Red: No for my dad-YES FOR ADRIAN

Cleo: Geez don't give me the third degree, I haven't even agreed to help yet!

Red: I gotta give you the third degree, because any less degrees and we wouldn't be able to get a job in todays competitive economic climate!

NAMINE: That's one way to look at global warming.

Cleo: Okay, fine, just let's wait until morning and I'll meet with you then.

Red: We gotta do it now, there's no time, he'll be up any minute!

Cleo: Will he? I assume his sleep schedule's not too awful

Red: It's not but I might be waking him up any minute!

Cleo: Why?

NAMINE: A question that Cleo is not the only person asking.

Red: I'm just like that! Waking people up is my passion! I'm like the living embodiment of caffeine, or a swift kick in the vag!

NAMINE: So a douchebag. You're a douchebag, Red.

Cleo: I guess that would wake someone up. Alright, I'll come find you.

(Some time passes. Cleo walks up to Red, who is still in a phone box)

Cleo: Why are you in this phone box

Red: In case it rains and I need shelter.

NAMINE: Most urban areas have bus stops with a roof over them. I imagine you're tech savvy enough to use a cellphone.

Cleo: Right, but it's not raining at all, you'll be fine-

Red: You can never be too sure, Cleo, the weather is an unpredictable and wild beast.

Cleo: Okay, whatever. So, any ideas for his birthday?

Red: I sure do. Just let me get out my list of ideas. "Surgically implanted gills."

Cleo: Nice in theory, but I think it's a little physically impossible.

Red: Okay, idea 2 - "Best hits of R-Kelly"

Cleo: Does he like R-Kelly?

NAMINE: R-Kelly has more than one hit?

Red: No, but he needs a K to go into his alphabetically organised music collection.

Cleo: I mean, R-Kelly's name begins with R, it's right there in the name.

Red: No, neither Adrian nor I acknowledge R as a real letter.

NAMINE: How is that possible or something that they would not acknowledge? R's in their bloody names.

It's got real problems.

Cleo: Alright, sorry about that then, Ed, but I still don't think that idea is the world's greatest.

NAMINE: Cleo is more adept at third-degrees than Red.

Red: Damn it, our ideas need an ignition. If only I didn't feel so trapped in this closet-esque phone booth.

Cleo: Isn't your apartment like, a block away? We can just head over there, Red

Red: IT MIGHT RAIN. Geez.

NAMINE: It's an indoor building, mate.

Come on, Cleo, think! Use your brain for thinking! That's all it's good for, they're literally organic thinking machines you just gotta think or...or you're done for, sister!

Cleo: I don't know, man, maybe surprise him? Maybe we could sneak into his room while he sleeps and fill it with balloons?

Red: Goddamnit, Cleo, you're onto something! I like your thinking!

NAMINE: I'm going to watch this turn out badly.

Cleo: Thanks, I guess. So, you got any balloons, then?

Red: Why would I have balloons, do you just like carry balloons around with you in case of an emergency party? No that's an awful idea

NAMINE: I don't see anything wrong with balloons, since you don't see anything wrong with a little bump n' grind.

Cleo: Did you really not know it was Adrians birthday until just now?

Red: I don't care, Cleo, we just gotta get balloons! Where's the nearest party store, we can get cards and stuff too!

Cleo: I'm not sure, I don't have a map.

Red: Ah, don't worry, my phone has a map on it.

(Red looks it up on his smartphone)

Cleo: Why are you...why did you use a phone booth I just don't understand

Red: No time to explain, Cleo, we just gotta get moving! Quick, run, before it rains!

(Cleo and Red run, until they reach a party store)

Cleo: Goddamn it, first I get woken up at 12AM, then I have to go running. I'm so tired, I just need coffee, or something.

Red: No time, just let me kick you in the vag instead!

Cleo: No I'm not letting you kick me in the vag

Red: It'll be swift, I swear! Just a swift, painless vag kick!

Cleo: No, you stay away from my vag.

NAMINE: Is there a point to this scene other than Red being a colossal douchebag?

Come on, let's just get these balloons and go.

(They enter the store, and a woman named Jeff is running the counter)

Red: Jeff? That's an unconventional name for a woman.

Jeff: Well it's actually short for Jeffica, so.

NAMINE: Jeffica actually sounds cool. I imagine it's because her birth certificate was written in a font where the f's and s's looked identical. Either that, or she picked that font and decided the "S" letter was an abomination.

Red: Fair enough, Jeff, we'd like your finest balloons!

Jeff: How many balloons is that?

Cleo: Probably like, one million?

Jeff: I'm not sure we stock that many balloons.

Red: Cleo, they're hiding the balloon stash from us! Tell us about the ballons,

NAMINE: I kind of imagine Jeff has huge boobs that are called "ballons"

lady, or we'll bop ya good!

Cleo: No bopping anyone, Red. Jeff, how many balloons do you stock?

Jeff: At least ten, I think? I'll have to check. One moment.

(Jeff pulls out a tablet and starts looking it up)

Red: You can do all that and more from a payphone booth, you know. Protects you from rain, as well.

Jeff: Yeah, upon further inspection, we stock 2,500 balloons.

Red: What colour are they?

Jeff: They vary in colour

Red: Make sure we don't have any vermillion ballons, the colour vermillion is reprehensible and needs sorting out.

{Google Meta}
NAMINE: Vermillion's an awesome colour, you git.

Anyway, give us the damn balloons.

Jeff: Okay, one moment.

(Jeff grabs a basket and starts putting deflated ballons

NAMINE: I imagine that the Pastebin or whatever Ben used to type this up didn't have a Spell-checker or Auto-correct function? Or did he do this intentionally?

in it, one by one, incredibly slowly)

Cleo: Do you not stock balloons together? In like 10 packs?

Jeff: Of course not! We think it's very important that each individual balloon has room to grow as an individual.

Red: I like your thinking, that's a good way to ensure your balloons are high quality. Digging this party meta.

Cleo: What world was I born into I'm really not sure

NAMINE: A world where you're pretty much the only likable character, Cleo. I wish that Adrian had more oomph to his character other than "The Hero," Red's just a stuffy tosser, and for the most part none of the others have been anything past "Character of the Day."

(After much time, Jeff stocks all balloons into the basket. Cleo and Red leave after paying)

Red: Okay Cleo what time is it we gotta know what time is it?

Cleo: It's 3AM

Red: Yikes, we're almost out of time! Come on, we gotta inflate the balloons as we go! Get a balloon and just blow!

(Red grabs a balloon)

Red: PHRRHPRHRPHPRHRPRHPHRHRPRHR

Cleo: Oh my god

Red: PHRPHRPHPRPHRHRPHRPHRHPR IM BLOWING SO HARD PHPRHRPRHPHR

NAMINE: Red is a blowhard.

Cleo: This is the worst thing I've ever seen in my life

Red: PPHRPHRPRHPRHRPHRPHR

Cleo: What has it all come too.

NAMINE: It's come to you, once again, being the only sensible character.

Red: Stop bitching and blow! BLOW!

Cleo: Fine... PHPRHRHPRPHRPRHPRPRHRPHR

Red: There's no time for dilly-dallying, if you do not inflate this balloon soon we...we'll die!

Cleo: What?

Red: We gotta do it now because if Adrian's sad, he'll go nuts and murder us all, if we forget his birthday WE GOTTA INFLATE THE BALLONS! PPHRHPHRPRHRHR

Cleo: PHRPHRPHRHPRHPRPRHPRHRPR

NAMINE: That is the weirdest sound to type up.

{Namine tries making the same noise, but ends up sounding like ruffled footsteppes, an entire horse race, and a San Francisco earthquake.}

NAMINE: I can't imagine how this would properly sound like balloons being blown.

Red: PHRPHRHPRHPRHPRHPRHR

(They make it to Adrians apartment)

Red: Alright...Cleo...be careful. We don't want to wake Adrian up. This has to be a surprise. So blow very, very, quietly. ...PHPRPRHPRPHRPRHPRHRPHRPHRR

Cleo: That's not quiet!

Red: PHRPHRPHPHRPHRPR

NAMINE: You can't exactly blow balloons quietly.

Cleo: That is the literal opposite of- oh damn it, nevermind. One moment.

(Cleo grabs two balloons, and sticks them in sleeping Adrians ears)

Cleo: How long we got?

Red: One hour, Cleo! One hour till boom goes the....the dynamite damn it! Let's get this into overdrive, here, take this bycicle pump, it inflates the balloons faster!

Cleo: What? How long have you had that?

Red: Like, for three days? It's just been in my pocket

NAMINE: What kind of bicycle pump just fits in your pocket for three days?!

Cleo: Why didn't we use that before!?

Red: Because where's the heart, Cleo!? Where's the heart!

NAMINE: I'm asking, "Where's the question mark?" in the meantime. I mean, where did it exactly go?

Cleo: Fine just...ugh at least I don't need to blow hardcore anymore.

{Namine laughs}
NAMINE: Phrasing, dear Cleo. Phrasing.

Give it here.

(Cleo takes the bike pump, and furiously pumps air into the balloons)

Red: Wow that is some furious pumping. Probably like, the 2nd or 3rd most furious pumping I've seen in my life.

Cleo: Oh god my arm hurts

Red: PUMP, CLEO! Pump through the pain!

(Eventually, with much work, they finish inflating every balloon)

Red: Oh my god, we did it

Cleo: We did it! Haha, that was actually pretty cool! High-five!

Red: Don't...don't patronise

NAMINE: I'm pretty sure it's patronize or my Spell-checker's just being a dodgy sausage.

me.

Cleo: Okay sorry.

Red: He's...he's waking up! Look happy!

(Adrian wakes up)

Adrian: What the...AAAAAAARGH!

Red: What!? What is it Adrian, what's the matter!?

Adrian: BALLOONS!

Red: Yeah, balloons, dude, isn't it great!

Adrian: NO I'M AFRAID OF BALLOONS

{Namine slow-claps, with a look on her face suggesting she expected as much from Adrian to not like balloons.}

Red: You're afraid of balloons!?

Adrian: DEATHLY AFRAID! SO VERY AFRAID!

Red: Ah geez what a mistake we've made, Cleo! We're the worst friends yet!

Cleo: I didn't know, I'm sorry!

NAMINE: Hopefully Adrian finds it in his heart to forgive Cleo. Red should honestly have known better, though.

Red: It was your idea, Cleo, and it was a terrible one! All this time...blowing balloons...and FOR WHAT CLEO!? For trauma!?

Cleo: I'm sorry! Come on, no time to dawdle

Red: Dilly-dally, damn it! Dilly-dally is clearly the word that is most surperior

{Namine blinks.}
NAMINE: I almost registered "surperior" as correct, but then realized it's actually supposed to be superior

when referencing the wasting of time!

Cleo: Whatever, we just need to get rid of these balloons!

Red: Cleo, I've had an idea!

NAMINE: Wouldn't it be I've got an idea?

Cleo: What?

Red: We get rid of these balloons!

Adrian: GET RID OF THE BALLOONS! POP THEM! WHAT'S THE META FOR BALLOON POPPING!?

Red: You gotta...you gotta stab em! With a knife! Quick, take these knives!

Cleo: Why do you have knives now!?

NAMINE: He's the Red Spy. Cut him some slack, it's Knives Meta.

Red: Always keep like, 10 knives handy, Cleo, it's like you don't even know the meta!

Cleo: WHAT EVEN IS THE META!?

NAMINE: MOST EFFECTIVE TACTIC AVAILABLE

Red: Just pop the damn ballons!

(They start popping all the balloons, eventually popping them all)

Adrian: Oh god, that was so scary. And I'm so tired.

Red: Here, let me help you.

(Red kicks Adrian in the balls)

Adrian: Ah, a swift kick to the vag,

NAMINE: The script says-

{Namine sighs and shrugs}

NAMINE: What the hell, I'll follow along.

just what I needed, thanks dude.

Red: You're most welcome.

Cleo: We're sorry we screwed up your birthday so bad.

Adrian: It's my birthday?

Red: Yeah it is

Adrian: Nah, dude, my birthdays on the-

Red: My birthdays when I say it is. That's the meta.

NAMINE: The being a horrible friend meta.

Adrian: Oh. Well sorry about being so scared of balloons.

Red: Don't worry dude, I found a way to make it up to you. Here, have a CD of the Greatest Hits of R-Kelly.

Adrian: Dude! I needed a K for my alphabatised

NAMINE: alphabetized

music collection! Now all I need is Q and I'll have all 25 letters!

Red: Good present, huh?

Adrian: Totally!

Cleo: Well you know, it was kind of both of our idea, and everything...

Red: Cleo. Cleo you're dead to me

Cleo: I'm what

Red: You're dead to me. Don't sass me again, tryhard

Cleo: Okay sorry hoss

NAMINE: I don't think that's the appropriate reaction.

(The black void. Meta and Dev discuss again)

Dev: He's afraid of balloons!? How's he supposed to help us if he's afraid of something so trivial! We need to sort this.

Meta: I know. We will train him further. We'll train him well. I know we have not long left until they attack

Dev: About 4 more roughly-episodically lengthed allotments of time

NAMINE: There's only one more after this. I presume Ben had planned more allotments of time, but I'm not sure he takes the story all that seriously from what I've seen. It's a marked improvement over The World's Greatest, but I've also grown to like that.

Meta: Yes, but I assure you, I always come through in a pinch. You see Adrian? He's our chance. He's...the meta.

NAMINE: No... you're the Meta, hence your namesake.

END