RiffText/Bastard/Nukie

Since I saw the review from The Cinema Snob, the ONLY good reviewer at TGWTG, aside from MikeJ,

NAMINE: This is a contradictory sentence. That'd mean there are two good TGWTG reviewers, right?

I decided to give my two cents on the film, Nukie.

Critics call Nukie...

"-50!"-SomethingAwful

NOXIGAR: AND YOU SAY THAT TGWTG IS A HORRIBLE WEBSITE YOU TRASH, YOU BAD-MIXTAPE-MAKING HIPSTER TRASH-

NAMINE: I... think it's time for your "Praestantia" medication.
{Namine sedates Noxigar and places him on a couch.}

NAMINE: Okay, for the duration of this riff I'm doing it on my own and letting Nox rest while his memories of this incident are going, going, gone.

"...stay as far away from Nukie as possible."-X-Entertainment

"This is up with the bat-pussies."-Cinema Snob

NAMINE: Bat-pussies. I mean, I get that you don't like Doug Walker or any of the big-name That Guy With The Glasses because they're mainstream, but you were making fun of a guy who found "Bat Credit Card" absurd enough to get frustrated at it. You're using a quote from a guy who says bat-pussies.

It starts out where the two stars, named Nukie and Miko, that are actually aliens crashing on Earth where the scientists are frightened that the aliens crash landed to Earth with one of the computers saying, ALARM! and the other saying, TOUCHDOWN! which I assume that they were watching the Giants vs. the Patriots NFL game. Nukie crash landed in Madagascar, {insert old joke from Madagascar 3 here},

NAMINE: {Insert comment about how lazy saying insert-old-joke-from-Madagascar-3-here is here}

as Miko crash landed somewhere that the military went ahead and got him.

NAMINE: Area 51? Is that what you mean? I mean, "somewhere that the military went ahead and got him" isn't a location or even a correct phrase.

So Nukie finds signal for Miko, but doesn't work.

By the way, I always hated the design of Nukie. He looks like if it was a shit taken in the toilet from Simple Jack, if you watched the movie, Tropic Thunder,

NAMINE: Which I didn't, thankfully.

and it talked. The scientist called it, "The property of TOP SECRET." which to me sounds like they saw a way better film, Mac and Me.Anyway, Nukie is afraid of the sun, and allergic to it too. I guess he is a vampire from True Blood,

NAMINE: All vampires are allergic to the sun. Some break out in hives, and others just get radiation poisoning from it and reflect it.

but hey, who am i to kid. He is Nukie, not Nukula. Sorry, that was the best I can come up with.

NAMINE: I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that wasn't the best you could've come up with. I don't even know your creative process for this "review," but I know for a fact there's better. Nukferatu not good enough for you?

He does the attempt to talk to animals. I can see why animals are running away, and it's because of the little shit costume that's not good for Halloween. Nukie flies to America as a star, and here's my problem, if he can fly, then why the fuck couldn't Miko fly in the military?

NAMINE: In the Military, there's no name for our bases because it's just The Military.

Probably the military wanted Paul the Alien from the film, Paul, to escape. I don't know.

NAMINE: Another movie that I haven't seen, and will never bother to see.

The majority of the dialogue has to do with calling names. Then, Nukie is buried underground and pops back to the ground only to talk to animals. He then gets captured but there is nothing happening except we miss out on the action scenes of them escaping, and the rest of the plot is about Nukie playing on the computer in the lab and here's where the computer says, "You suck." He may have been talking to the filmmakers of Nukie. They go back to their home planet with their monkey for earlier in the scene where he talks to animals. What a waste.

Not only is it a waste, it's also a bad BAD nuclear waste!

NAMINE: "I couldn't concentrate on the movie due to its sheer horribleness, so instead of actually discerning what happens in it I kind of forgot all of it or slept through it."

Remember kids, if you have a kid that likes aliens, watch E.T. because hey, even with a PG rating, it's at least watchable!

JOIN ME IN THE NEXT REVIEW!

NUKIE IS OWNED BY VIDMARK? AH WHO THE FUCK CARES!

NAMINE: Well, clearly you do. You still write the copyright acknowledgments despite hating on the people you're acknowledging through them.