Records Of Bell/Records/3

Summary

Bell starts dating again.

Cast: Im a bell, Craeft Aetlaenes, Vince Gagoman, Bling, Tracy, Kuro, Female Hippie, Hobo 1, Very Old Woman, Hobo 2, Blonde Woman, Drunken Child, Fat Woman, Male Bodybuilder, Two Policemen, Sarah McAllister, Detective

Places: Unknown Bedroom, Bell's Room, Fancy Restaurant

Episode Information: 103-When Dating, Don't Say You Live With Your Mom

Insult: diminished mayonnaise fruitbats

Credit Joke: Stewie Griffin

Transcript

{fade from black to Bell waking up in a bed}

IM A BELL: Ugh. What'd I do last night? {looks offscreen startled}

{pan out to show Craeft sleeping beside him}

IM A BELL:{startled} I'm starting to remember...

{cue theme song, cut to Bell sleeping in his own bed. A digital clock beside him reads "1:30 PM"}

VINCE GAGOMAN:{kicking Bell} WAKE UP! ...It's not working, guys.

BLING:{starts bashing Bell in the head with a muffler} Neither is this.

TRACY:{starts punching Bell in the stomach} Nor this.

DON SKULL: Let me try. {charges skull cannon, fires into Bell, causing him to fly into the wall, bounce off it into Don Skull, who runs him over}

IM A BELL:{wakes up} AAAH! I'M AWAKE, I'M AWAKE! WHAT DO YOU WANT?

KURO: Bell, look. We like having you around all the time, but I think you need to start dating. You've grieved over your wife long enough.

IM A BELL: NO I HAVEN'T! Besides, I don't know how to date.

TRACY: Just act the way you did when you met my mom.

IM A BELL: We were destroying the same city and we fell in love.

TRACY: Oh. That'll be a problem... Tell you what. We'll set you up with some dates.

IM A BELL: Blind dates? Okay, as long as they aren't actually blind.

TRACY: Don't worry. We wouldn't do that to you.

IM A BELL: Good.

TRACY: At least, not now that you've said that.

IM A BELL: ... {punches Tracy in the face}

{cut to a booth in a fancy restaurant. A hobo is staring in the window. A large, brown building across the street reads "The IRS "We Take Everything"". After every date, it cuts to the next. Date 1; A female hippie. A bowl of soup is in front of Bell, who is in Pure Watashi form, but his pants, wristbands, and t-shirt are black}

HIPPIE WOMAN:{rambling illegible nonsense. The most coherent words are "tree", "forest", "cute animals", and "vegan"}

IM A BELL:{annoyed and tired} Uh huh... {a tentacle appears out from under Bell's bell and drinks the soup's broth like a straw}

HIPPIE WOMAN:{screams}

{Date 2; An old woman. A bowl of soup is in front of her. The hobo outside the window is now being stared at by another hobo}

IM A BELL: Um, ma'am? You haven't said anything this entire date.

OLD WOMAN:{keels over in soup}

IM A BELL: ...

{Date 3; A blonde woman. Bell seems to like her. Hobo 2 is chewing on Hobo 1's head}

BLONDE WOMAN: Oh, did I mention I have VD?

IM A BELL:{disgusted} ... {raises hand} CHECK PLEASE!

{Date 4; Drunken little girl. Four empty beer bottles are in front of her. Bell is stupefied. Hobo 1 walks offscreen angrily, with Hobo 2 staring at him}

IM A BELL: ...How old are you?

{Date 5; Fat woman. Hobo 1 is beating Hobo 2 offscreen with a bat. There is now blood splattered on the window. Bell walks onscreen wearing a "NO FAT CHICKS" T-shirt. The fat woman is disgusted, and walks off. Date 6; Male body builder. There are now two policemen outside the window looking downward at the offscreen carnage. Hobo 1 is nowhere to be found}

IM A BELL:{annoyed} ...I'M NOT GAY, GUYS!

{Date 7; Woman with white hair stretching to her hips with five spikes in front; two blue two red and one black, long legs, dark green t-shirt, and light blue jeans. There is a martini in front of Bell and a bottle of beer in front of the woman. Bell seems to be in love with her. Now there is only a detective staring downward outside the window, disgusted}

WOMAN: Hi. I'm Sarah McAllister.

IM A BELL: I'm Imothy Bellstrom. You can call me Bell. Nice to meet you, Sarah.

SARAH MCALLISTER: Same to you.

IM A BELL: So, um, ah... S-so, are you goth or something-

SARAH: No, why?

IM A BELL: Well, I was referring to your white hair and that tattoo.

SARAH: Well, except for the spikes, this hair is natural, and my tattoo- {pivots torso to show a red skull tattoo on her right arm} -is just because I like carnage.

IM A BELL: Huh. That's pretty interesting! I like death as well! Um, do you have any other tattoos?

SARAH: One, but if I showed it to you, I'd probably get kicked out of this restaurant.

IM A BELL: ...Say, do you have any reality-bending powers and/or are immortal?

SARAH: No, no reality bending powers. And I'm immoral, but not immortal.

IM A BELL: Well, I do.

SARAH:{amused} Oh really? Prove it.

IM A BELL: Okay, I will. Hmm... {notices the IRS building outside the window} Aha! Watch that building! {claps hands, the IRS building explodes into a mushroom cloud, startling the detective, giving him a heart attack}

SARAH: Whoa. Wow, I guess you DO have reality bending powers. Y'know, I kinda like you, Bell.

IM A BELL: R-really?

SARAH: Yeah!

{cut to an hour later. The detective is gone, and there are empty plates on the table}

IM A BELL: So, um... D-d'you wanna go back to my place?

SARAH: ...Sure, why not?

{cut to outside the restaurant. Bell and Sarah walk out}

IM A BELL: TAXI!

{a taxi pulls up. Bell and Sarah get in. Cut to Bell's room/attic Bell and Sarah walk onscreen}

IM A BELL: Well, here's my room.

SARAH: You live in an attic?

IM A BELL: Yeah, so?

SARAH: No reason. ...Say, I just thought of something. What's under that bell?

IM A BELL: If I told you, you might freak out.

SARAH: I've seen a lot of strange things in my life, like a battle with some rapidly shape shifting weirdo and his friends versus a demon, who at the end of the battle transformed into a human.

IM A BELL: ...I was the "shape shifting weirdo" you we're referring to.

SARAH: Oh. S-sorry.

IM A BELL: It's fine. ...Well, I might as well show you my real face. But, I have to revert to my normal form. {reverts to normal Bell, removes bell}

SARAH: ... Erm... {lunges at Bell, makes out with him}

{cut to the next morning in Bell's kitchen. Bell is eating an omelette with a cup of blood beside it}

TRACY: So? How'd the dates go?

IM A BELL: The first six were... unorthodox... But the last one went pretty well.

TRACY: Yeah, I know. She told me.

IM A BELL: How'd she tell you?

TRACY: Sarah works at Malifact & Malifact in the cubicle next to mine.

IM A BELL: Well, thanks for setting me up a date with her.

TRACY: You're welcome, dad. So, I heard you made out with her after the date.

IM A BELL: Yep.

TRACY: Y'know, I could get you her phone number and address if you want.

IM A BELL: No thanks.

TRACY: NO THANKS? Why not?

IM A BELL: I already got them!

{both of them laugh. Cue credits}