Records Of Bell/Records/27

Summary

It's a Records of Bell Christmas!

Cast:

Places:

Insult: tarballs

Credit Joke: Obviously Definitely Maybe Not You

Episode Information: 503-Never Buy Your Wife "Super Football Bros." For Christmas

Transcript

{open to the house. Tracy and MB are there}

TRACY: Mmm, boy, my lips are gettin' heavy.

MATURE BLING: I can't tell when you're telling the truth.

TRACY: I'm not.

MATURE BLING: How do I know anything you've said to me is-

TRACY: You don't.

{cue opening theme. Cut to a park. The ground is covered in snow. The castmembers walk in}

IM A BELL: Ah, what a lovely winter day.

SARAH: Yes, perfect for a walk in a park.

DON SKULL: True...

{pause five seconds}

IM A BELL: ...God, my writing sucks.

DAIGO: Hey, at least this isn't as bad as Bell Quest.

IM A BELL: ...Rule 2 of Im a bell: Don't talk about Bell Quest.

DAIGO: ...What's Rule 1?

MATURE BLING: Don't talk about Keiko.

{a single tear falls from Bell's eye}

DAIGO: ...BELL QUEST BELL QUEST BELL QUEST KEIKO KEIKO KEIKO.

{Bell roundhouse kicks Daigo into a nearby tree, which falls on him. Cut to a while later. Daigo has a crack in his skull}

DAIGO: ...I hate you.

{Bell wellfaces}

DAIGO: ...WHY DID I EVEN JOIN YOU?

IM A BELL: WHO IS THE ONE WITH THE WHIP?

DAIGO: I'M SORRY!

{cut to a few minutes later. There are some benches with various homeless people sitting on them. The castmembers walk in}

IM A BELL: Hmm... I'm feeling rather generous today. Why not we let some of these people stay at the house? Even if just for the night.

SARAH: Well, I can see why you're feeling generous. It's Christmas Eve today, correct?

IM A BELL: ...It is? I forgot.

SARAH: ...How?

IM A BELL: Blame the censors. They don't like us saying anything about beliefs. {looks to the audience} {bleep} you, censors. Anyways, let's see who we have here... {camera cuts to a guy with a long beard trying to grab a small child} No... {camera cuts to an old woman} No... {camera cuts to H44WP} NO. {camera cuts to a man in a white trenchcoat and a light blue fedora. A figure whose body is obscured by a hooded cloak is sitting beside him} Ah. You two will do.

MAN:{looks at Bell} Eh?

CLOAKED FIGURE: What? What do you want?

SARAH: We were wondering if you two-

MAN: We cannot help you with whatever it is you came here for. Please go away.

IM A BELL: ...Okay. I guess you don't want to stay at our house. Let's go. {turns around, starts walking away}

CLOAKED FIGURE: You fool! {gets up, starts running towards Bell} WAIT!

IM A BELL:{turns around} Hmm?

CLOAKED FIGURE: I'm sorry about my friend. He is a little... Cold-hearted. W-we would love to stay at your house tonight. Will you please reconsider?

IM A BELL: ...Well, when you put it THAT way... Sure. Get your friend.

CLOAKED FIGURE: Yes, sir. {runs back to the man, grabs him, runs back to Bell}

IM A BELL: Alright! Let's go.

{cut to the 8-Bit house. The cast, the man in the trenchcoat, and the hooded figure step in}

CLOAKED FIGURE: Ah. What a lovely house.

SARAH: Thank you.

MAN: Yes... Lovely...

IM A BELL: Well, now that we're here, I'd better introduce ourselves. I'm Imothy Bellstrom, you can call me Bell.

TRACY: I'm Tracy, Bell's son.

SARAH: I'm Bell's wife and Tracy's stepmother, Sarah.

MATURE BLING: And I'm Bling, the family pet.

CLOAKED FIGURE: Nice to meet you all.

MAN: What're these little car things?

DON SKULL: I'm Don Skull-

DAIGO: And I'm Daigo-

DON SKULL & DAIGO: And we're Skullbuggies.

CLOAKED FIGURE: Isn't there some television show about you?

DON SKULL: I believe you are referring to the SkullB Show. Technically, it's not about us, but two of our brothers.

CLOAKED FIGURE: Ah. I see.

IM A BELL: Now that we've introduced ourselves, will you two reveal who you are?

CLOAKED FIGURE: Well... Alright. {looks at the man} You can go first.

MAN: Okay. {removes hat and trenchcoat, revealing he has long, white hair and light blue skin. He is wearing a blue shirt and blue pants} I am Jack Frost.

CLOAKED FIGURE: And I... {removes cloak, revealing he is an anthropomorphic crow} -am Forrest Raven, the Hooded Crow.

IM A BELL: ...AHAHAHAHA THAT'S FUNNY.

JACK FROST: ...What is?

IM A BELL: Jack Frost and the Hooded Crow, like the song.

FORREST: Song? What song?

IM A BELL: Jesus, does ANYBODY know Jethro Tull anymore?!

FORREST: Who?

IM A BELL: Jethro. Tull.

FORREST: Isn't he some farmer that invented the seed drill, or something?

IM A BELL: ...Jethro Tull THE BAND. The leader of the band is IAN ANDERSON.

FORREST: ...Doesn't he run some salmon factory?

IM A BELL: ...I don't know what I'm angrier about. The fact that you STILL don't understand what I'm telling you, or that you're correct. ...Look, let me just SHOW you.

{a bandana appears on Bell's head and a flute appears in Bell's hand. This starts playing. When not singing, Bell is playing the flute}

IM A BELL: Through long December nights we talk in words of rain or snow

While you, through chattering teeth, reply and curse us as you go.

Why not spare a thought this day for those who have no flame

To warm their bones at Christmas time?

Say, Jack Frost and the Hooded Crow.

Now as the last broad oak leaf falls, we beg: consider this;

There's some who have no coin to save for turkey, wine or gifts.

No children's laughter round the fire, no family left to know.

So lend a warm and a helping hand.

Say, Jack Frost and the Hooded Crow.

As holly pricks and ivy clings,

Your fate is none too clear.

The lord may find you wanting, let your good fortune disappear.

All homely comforts blown away and all that's left to show

Is to share your joy at Christmas time

With Jack Frost and the Hooded Crow.

FORREST: Ah. Now I see. Yeah, that is pretty ironic.

{pause 5 seconds}

JACK FROST: Now what?

FORREST: Wait, where are we gonna sleep?

IM A BELL: Well, Jack, you can sleep on the couch. Forrest, you sleep with MB. He has an extra bed.

JACK FROST: WHAT? Why does he get to sleep in a bed while I sleep on the couch?

IM A BELL: Because I don't like you.

JACK FROST:{is about to punch Bell} YOU SON OF A-

{Sarah runs in between Jack and Bell}

SARAH: Hey! Stop it!

JACK FROST: Oh yeah? Whatcha gonna do about it, {bleep}?

SARAH:{pulls out pocket knife, holds it up to Jack's neck} This.

JACK FROST: ...Oh. Damn.

SARAH: Exactly. {puts away the pocket knife}

{cut to a while later. Everyone is watching TV}

?????: It's those fools! they actually think they can find us! What they don't know is that our lair is located on... THE EXTREMELY SPOOK CLIFF!

SKULLB: NOT THE SPOOK CLIFF

THE ONLY WAY THEY CAN MAKE IT HERE IS IF THEY HAVE THIS MAP!!! {Holds up a map. A wind blow the map out of his hands and out a window.}

SKULLB: Only one wind. No more, no less.

IM A BELL: Hehehe.

MATURE BLING: You're not angry about this?

IM A BELL: HELL no! Bell Quest sucked! I'm GLAD they're mutilating it!

MATURE BLING: ...But what about-

IM A BELL: You're just pissed because you and I are the only ones here who were in it.

MATURE BLING: We were, but-

IM A BELL: Hey, at least the remake was better!

MATURE BLING: Yeah, that's true...

IM A BELL: Look, did you even like all the people there? Krax and Anthruborg were assholes that never talked to us, Ebeneezer was a creepy zombie, NeoStinkomech was a zombie that, in one universe, apparently created you, Vegerot was a whiny emo, Homestar was an idiot, Homsar... I think we left Homsar at my house, Homeschool was a know-it-all n00b, Pter and Kyubii are... Well, they're not so bad.

MATURE BLING: Hey, whatever happened to Vegerot?

IM A BELL: ...I think the last time I saw him was back in Wiki City.

MATURE BLING: Okay... {walks over to a room with a keyboard attached next to it}

IM A BELL: ...What are you-

MATURE BLING: This will warp us to wherever we tell it to. But we can't exit the room we warp to, or else we'll get destroyed.

IM A BELL: Ah.

{MB types something on the wall-keyboard. The door opens. MB walks towards it}

MATURE BLING: C'mon! {walks into the room}

{Bell follows MB. Cut to a room with grey walls. A portal opens on the left side of the screen. Bell and MB walk out of it}

IM A BELL: ...Where is h- {looks to the right side of the screen} Oh, holy {bleep}.

{camera pans to show Bell and MB from the front. The shadow of a The Cheat hanging from the ceiling via a noose is being cast on them}

MATURE BLING: ...Dayum.

{cut to a while later, in MB's room. Forrest is watching MB type something on his computer}

FORREST: What's that you're typing?

MATURE BLING: Eh, just my blog. I just started it a few days ago.

FORREST: Ah. I see. ...Can I type something?

MATURE BLING: Huh? Oh, let me just finish typing this. {types a little bit, stand up} Here.

FORREST: Okay. {sits down, starts typing, stand back up} Done.

MATURE BLING: Hmm... {looks at the screen}{sarcastic} ...Oh, how original.

FORREST: Yeah, yeah...

{cut to 12:00 AM. A series of jump-cuts show everybody sleeping. Cut to 6:00 AM, in the living room. A rumbling is heard}

JACK FROST:{waking up} Huh? {gets up, walks to the hallway} Wh-

{everybody else runs in and tramples Jack}

JACK FROST: ...Ow.

{cut to half an hour later. Forrest and MB are swordfighting. Jack is in a chair, looking at a mug with a snowflake on it. He is obviously pissed. Tracy is reading what appears to be a hentai manga. Bell and Sarah are sitting on the couch, making out. Sarah is wearing what appears to be a ruby necklace. Forrest accidentally throws his sword into Jack's head. Everyone stops what they are doing and looks at Jack}

JACK FROST: ...I hate Christmas.

{everybody but Jack laughs. Cue credits}