(even if you aren't vegan)
Objection!/Badstar1
Court Records
- CASE NAME: Turnabout Trials
- CASE DESCRIPTION: Jerry's been shot, and Kyubii is to blame.
- JUDGE PRESIDING: The Honorable Judge Judge Sr.
- PLAINTIFF: Jerry Cohen
- DEFENDANT: Kyubii Taiksune
- PROSECUTORS: Stan
- DEFENSE: Badstar Strunner
- WITNESSES: Tahu Nahasapeemablahblahdah, Homestar Tiger, Larry
- VERDICT: Not Guilty
Court Transcript
JUDGE: Court is now in session. Is the defense and prosecution ready?
BADSTAR: The defense is ready, your honor.
JUDGE: Good... Is the prosecution ready?
ALBINO: {walks in with a box labled windex} Leonade! Get your apple juice here! Nothing like an orange juice to see your favorite team go to the superbowl!
STAN: Yeah... wait, am I the prosecutor this time?
SEPHIROTH: {Getting tipped by the defense.} The defense is ready!
STAN: Oh, hell! I'm being double-steamed! I mean teamed. Double-teamed.
SEPHIROTH: Pay me double and I'll lose the case.
BADSTAR: Are you sure you're the only asistant?
STAN: Oh, let's just get on with it. Judge?
MAYA: I'll be your assistant, Badstar!
BADSTAR: ...W-who are you? Ah, nevermind. Your honor, the defendant, Kyubii Taiksune,is on trial for being suspected of shooting a Mr. Jerry Cohen.
STAN: ... That's stupid. Why should we care?
JERRY: {offscreen} I got shot, you prick!
STAN: Whatever. Ugly dog did it.
JUDGE: Hmmm... I see. The prosecution may call the first witness.
{Tahu walks to the witness stand}
TAHU: I was walking down the street, and I saw this guy laying on the ground. That fox there was running away! So he told me his name was Jerry, and limped off.
BADSTAR: HOLD IT! How could he limp? I thought he was shot in the leg.
TAHU: Yes! Don't you know? A bullet doesn't stop the leg! It just slows it down!
STAN: First off, get the Lego out of the courtroom. Second off, he can walk on his other foot.
TAHU: Hey! Racist!
BADSTAR: OBJECTION! You say a bullet just slows it down? Well in this case, that can't be possible!
STAN: MPHGDHFDFS WHAT
BADSTAR: You see, the bullet was found in the top part of the leg. It went straight through the bone, breaking. So tell me, witness... HOW COULD HE HAVE WALKED ON A BROKEN LEG!?
TAHU: He was dragging it. That's what a limp is.
STAN: I'm sure onlookers helped him up. What kind of society do you think this is?
TAHU: {sweating} No. He limped.
STAN: HOLD IT! ... You didn't help him, did you, Bionicle man?
TAHU: No. Why would you ask?
STAN: It seems a bit... unlike somebody to not help a shot man. But I shouldn't be asking that.
BADSTAR: Mr Tahu, why did you not help him?
STAN: Somebody probably helped before he did, that's all.
HOMESTAR TIGER: Your honor, may I approach the stands?
STAN: OBJECTION! What's with the unannounced witnesses?
JUDGE: If he's witnessed the crime, he'll testify.
STAN: But that's- that's stupid!
JUDGE: Mr. Tiger? Your testimonial, if you will.
{Homestar tiger reaches into his mouth and pulls out a (Completely dry and unaltered) gun.}
HOMESTAR TIGER: Is this evidence?
JUDGE: ... Where did you find this?
HOMESTAR TIGER: In a bush. I didn't disturb the fingerprints, due to the fact that I don't have arms.
JUDGE: Really. Mr. Stan!
STAN: Yes, sir?
JUDGE: Have the gumshoe take this to the lab. In the meantime, court is in recess.
{Cut: the Courtroom Lounge.}
STAN: Hey, Strunner!
{Homestar tiger is dancing to the song "Banana Phone"}
BADSTAR: {Thinking: Crap, not him... this is all I need right now...} Y-yes?
STAN: You need to watch what you do, okay? This is my courtroom, and they don't call me Perfect Prosecutor for nothing. Got that?
{Suspense}
STAN: Now I'm gonna be waiting for that evidence to come back. You just sit down and hope I don't smoke you in court.
HOMESTAR TIGER: You might even say they don't call your Perfect Prosecutor at all.
BADSTAR: W-well... I beat you before, didn't I?
STAN: Ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha. That was a fluke and nothing more. I will win this case.
???: Hey, here's the evidence!
STAN: Ah, here he is now.
{A small man about half Stan's height walks in. The man is dressed almost exactly like Stan--the difference being the J on his shirt.}
JON: The results are back, and... Well, it's gonna be a shocker.
STAN: Just tell me. In private.
{Stan and Jon walk to a corner of the room and start talking.}
{Homestar tiger holds his breath.}
STAN: {semi-audible} ... Interesting. This proves tha... ...t's see Strunner when he sees this!
{Stan and Jon return to the group.}
JON: Good luck, Stan! And you! {turns to Badstar} Don't get in Stan's way. He's mean in court, I tell you what!
BADSTAR: Yeah... I kinda guessed that...
HOMESTAR TIGER: What did the gun evidence prove?
STAN: Let's save that for later, shall we?
{Cut: the courtroom.}
{Trial}
JUDGE: Court is now in session. Mr. Stan?
STAN: Yes, your Honor?
JUDGE: What were the results?
STAN: This is surprising--due to the fact that Mr. Tiger kept the gun in his mouth, all the fingerprints have been washed off.
HOMESTAR TIGER: Umm, I said IT WAS COMPLETELY DRY.
STAN: The evidence doesn't lie. I'm sorry.
JUDGE: It's safe to say that this piece of evidence won't help.
BADSTAR: {Thinking: W-what? H-he's lying! He's bending things around just so he can win!}
STAN: Prosecution calls Jon to the stand. He can testify to the complete cleanness of the gun.
{Jon steps up to the stand.}
JON: Alright, testifying is awesome!
JON: So the gun that Mr. Tiger found was completely clean, get that! Not a fingerprint was on it when it was given to us by Stan, so it must be legit, right?
STAN: Thank you, Jon.
HOMESTAR TIGER: Your honor, YOU STINK! You're on Stan's side! You're supposed to be on NOBODY'S side!
BADSTAR: HOLD IT! Um... I think a more detailed explanation is in order.
HOMESTAR TIGER: From who?
BADSTAR: Jon.
JON: Oh, okay! Ahem... So the gun that Mr. Tiger found was completely clean, get that! Not a fingerprint was on it when it was given to us by Stan, so it must be legit, right?
BADSTAR: HOLD IT! How can we be sure the fingerprints were wiped off? I think maybe the judge should examine it closley. You honor? If you may?
JUDGE: Now, I don't know much about forensics, but I'll have a look.
{Pause.}
JUDGE: Welp, I was right! I don't have a clue!
STAN: As I expected. Continue the cross examination.
BADSTAR: O-okay then... {Thinking: Come on... I have to find a contradiction} Please... repeat your testimony one last time, Mr Jon.
JON: Oh, okay! Ahem... So the gun that Mr. Tiger found was completely clean, get that! Not a fingerprint was on it when it was given to us by Stan, so it must be legit, right?
BADSTAR: OBJECTION! Once again, how can we know for sure? What happened to THE ACTUAL RESULTS?
JON: I dunno, I just delivered them. ... ERK!
STAN: OBJECTION! Who cares about the "real" results? The ones we got are rock solid.
HOMESTAR TIGER: I got nothin'.
BADSTAR: {Slams desk} I think we should see the real papers! Or... is there something you're not telling the court, Mr Jon?
JON: Well... I may not have actually seen the results. I just say what I heard from Prosecutor Stan- ERK!
STAN: GYAH!
HOMESTAR TIGER: I KNEW something was up.
BADSTAR: Prosecuter! Did you give the witness false information!? You should know that thats forgery!
HOMESTAR TIGER: You might be in the Defendant stand!
STAN: Your Honor, the detective is obviously playing dumb. He has the papers. Don't you?
JON: Of course not! You do!
STAN: AAH!
JON: Oh. Whoops.
JUDGE: ... Mr. Stan. Hand over the papers.
STAN: ... Yes, your Honor.
{Stan hands the judge the papers.}
JUDGE: ... My goodness! It appears that the defendant's fingerprints are on this gun!
STAN: Well! I guess it worked out for me after all.
BADSTAR: W-WHAT!?
HOMESTAR TIGER: Wait, who's side did I help out?
STAN: Thank you, Mr. Tiger. Your Honor, prosecution calls Mr. Taiksune to the stand.
KYUBII: {Walks up to the witness stand}
HOMESTAR TIGER: You're on my list of people to swallow whole! {Scribbles on a sheet of notebook paper.}
STAN: Now... Kyubii, is it? Your fingerprints were found on this gun. How do you plead?
KYUBII: Not guilty! I have a logical explanation!
STAN: Really. We'll see if the evidence is lying. Please testify for the court.
KYUBII: Well, I was walking down the sidewalk. I was walking to the store to get a soda. I saw a man with blonde hair on the ground and somebody running away. Just as I got there he was limping away. I saw the gun on the ground. Out of curiousity, I picked it up. The police came seconds afterwards and arrested me on the spot.
JUDGE: The defense may start its cross examination.
BADSTAR: Y-yes, your honor. {Thinking: I better find a contradiction or Kyubii's done for!} Please repeat the testimony!
KYUBII: Well, I was walking down the sidewalk. I was walking to the store to get a soda. I saw a man with blonde hair on the ground and somebody running away-
BADSTAR: HOLD IT! Did you see what the person looked like?
KYUBII: No. Well... I did see two things. The person's hair was blonde and he had stitches on his leg.
JUDGE: ... Stitches?
STAN: OBJECTION! This is irrelevant. Continue the testimony.
BADSTAR: OBJECTION! This could be important to the case!
JUDGE: Agreed. Mr. Taiksune, please go into detail about the stitches.
KYUBII: Well, the stiches were a few feet above his foot. Thats all I can really remember. OH! And he had a white symbol on his shirt!
STAN: OBJECTION! This is still irrelevant! It doesn't change the fact that he was shot.
BADSTAR: OBJECTION! This person is important to the case! He or she is technically a witness!
STAN: You know what? Why don't I just call the victim to the stand?
JUDGE: Agreed. Mr. Cohen, please come to the stand.
{Jerry comes to the stand.}
JERRY: Yeah?
JUDGE: Please testify for the court what happened.
JERRY: Yes, sir.
BADSTAR: {Thinking: This could be good! I can ask him who shot him?}
JERRY: So I started off just walking down the street from a doctor's appointment. My leg wasn't feeling too well, and then, out of nowhere, I was shot! I looked up and saw that fox thing holding the gun! Isn't that proof enough?
BADSTAR: HOLD IT! Just because he was holding the gun doesn't mean he did it! He said in his testimony that when he walked by, he saw somebody running away and picked up the gun out of curiousity!
JERRY: Hey, I know when somebody shoots me. I saw him right where the bullet came from!
BADSTAR: Well, where exactly did the bullet come from?
JERRY: Came from my side, I think. I mean, that's where I looked.
BADSTAR: Left side or right side?
JERRY: Left.
BADSTAR: OBJECTION! Then there is no way Kyubii could've shot you! You see, Kyubii said he went out to go get a soda so that means he was going to the corner store. The hospital you were leaving was a block away! That means if Kyubii shot you... THE SHOT WOULD'VE BEEN TO YOUR RIGHT SIDE!
JERRY: ... Huh. I'll be.
STAN: OBJECTION! The bullet was found to be lodged in the left side of his leg. What then?
BADSTAR: I'll say it again. If Kyubii shot him the shot would be to his right side. Since the shot is on his left side that means he didn't do it!
HOMESTAR TIGER: I'm going to my hut. {Attempts to leave the courtroom}
JUDGE: Witnesses will not leave the trial until court is adjourned.
STAN: Perhaps... he was on the other side of the road? (This isn't looking good for the "Perfect Prosecutor"... I'm grabbing at straws!)
BADSTAR: Why would he be on the other side? The corner store is on the same side of the road Jerry was on!
'{Cornered}
STAN: OBJECTION! This is... objectionable?
JUDGE: Prosecutor, any more of this nonsense and you will be penalized.
STAN: W-well, I...
JUDGE: I hear one more outburst...
STAN: OBJECTION! If... if we know HE didn't do it, then... who... who did, huh?! Who did?!
BADSTAR: Isn't it obvious!? THE PERSON WITH THE STITCHES ON HIS LEG!
STAN: WHAT?!
JUDGE: Explain this, Mr. Strunner!
BADSTAR: It's the most logical reason! Kyubii saw this person run away from the crime! Jerry, although he didn't exactly see him, saw the bullet! The person with the stitches was on the same side as Jerry! And nobody else was near at the time! It's the only possible reason!
JUDGE: Hm... do we know who this man is?
STAN: Of course not! He never got an identity from that dog thing!
JUDGE: Well, Mr. Strunner? Name the person who was there!
BADSTAR: I-I-I... don't know...
KYUBII: WAIIITT!!! I-I just figured out who he was! THIS fell out his pocket! I saw it near Jerry and picked it up! {Shows a driver license}
STAN: Your Honor! This witness is in contempt of court!
JUDGE: I'd have to agree. Speaking out of turn is an offense, Mr. Taiksune.
KYUBII: I know, I know, punish me later! But this is important evidence, like it or not!
JUDGE: Hmm... Alright. Give Prosecutor Stan the evidence. Bailiff! Take him away after the evidence is given to Prosecutor S-
BAILIFF: I heard!
KYUBII: {Gives it to Stan and starts walking away with the Baliff}
STAN: ... GHK-! Y-y-your honor, this evidence is unimp-p-p-portant. I say this evidence be withheld-
JUDGE: Overruled. Please present the evidence.
{Stan holds out the drivers license, rather hesitantly, to reveal Larry}
STAN: Your honor, this... this is a man named Larry.
JUDGE: ... Who?
STAN: Your honor, the- the prosecution would like to- to call Larry to the stand.
{Silence}
BADSTAR: ...Errr... I don't think he's here. I think there should be a 15 minute recess to call the witness. Do you agree, prosecutor Stan?
STAN: NO! I mean... no, I think we can w-wait.
JUDGE: Overruled. There will be a fifteen-minute recess. Court is now in recess.
{Cut: the courtroom lounge.}
STAN: YOU! I told you not to mess with me, Strunner!
BADSTAR: Hate to tell ya this, but winning doesn't matter in court. The only thing that really matters is truth!
STAN: Shut it, you goody two-shoes! You want the truth? The truth is I HATE YOU.
JON: Ouch, harsh.
STAN: Shut your trap, detective! You're good for one thing and one thing only--finding evidence that helps me.
JON: ... Y-yes, sir.
STAN: Now, go find this "Larry" that people speak of.
JON: Uh... okay, sir.
{Jon walks off, stops, takes a forlorn-looking glance at Badstar, and walks off again.}
STAN: Mr. Strunner, you don't know the mistake you've made.
BADSTAR: Me? You're the one making the mistake!
STAN: {laughs} Why do you think they call me "Perfect Prosecutor"? I never make mistakes. Ever.
BADSTAR: Not that kind of mistake! I mean the mistake of shoving aside the truth just so you can win! Hate to tell ya this... but thats pretty disgusting.
STAN: You "truthy" types. You make me sick.
{Jon returns to the lounge.}
STAN: Well, detective? What's the situation?
JON: He should be here soon, s-sir.
STAN: Great. Now we wait.
{Stan walks off toward the other side of the room.}
JON: Uh, Mr. St-strunner? May I talk to you?
BADSTAR: Yes, detective?
JON: It's, uh- it's about Prosecutor Stan... Can I talk to you in private?
BADSTAR: Okay, I guess...
{Cut: Far side of the lounge}
BADSTAR: What is it, Detective?
JON: Stan's not usually like this, you have to understand- he's a bit zealous when it comes to prosecuting. And besides, after... the last case... he's been a bit bitter. I'm sure he'll warm up to you, though. He's actually a really nice guy!
BADSTAR: Bitter? How?
JON: His record... yikes. If you've seen how many cases he's won--just last year, even--you'd be afraid of him. But when you beat him... that was the proverbial straw that broke his back. Ever since then, he's been plotting to take you down. I just hate seeing my friend like this...
BADSTAR: Wow... I really don't wanna be me right now...
JON: Well, don't worry. I have... a secret weapon!
{Jon takes out a small envelope from his pocket. Inside is a sheet of paper.}
JON: Behold!
BADSTAR: Huh? What is it?
JON: The fingerprint tests! Don't tell the judge, but... Prosecutor Stan gave him fake results!
BADSTAR: R-really!? What are the results?
JON: Get this--it was the next witness!
BADSTAR: {Gasps} Then that means... that Larry guy really did do it! I know you said not to tell the judge but... when the time comes... I am going to have to present this.
JON: Just don't... tell them Stan was hiding evidence. I'm... I'm friends with him, and if he was found out, it would be the end of his career... please, you have to keep it secret.
BAILIFF: Court is readjourning in five!
JON: Please, keep that promise...
BADSTAR: Well... okay. But what am I supposed to tell the judge?
JON: Just... say they were mixed up.
{Cut back to the courtroom}
JUDGE: Court is now in session. Mr. Stan?
STAN: ...
JUDGE: Are you alright?
STAN: ... Don't talk.
JUDGE: ... Alright. Can we have the newly-accused witness step up to the stand?
BADSTAR: Errr... where is he exactly?
STAN: ... He'll be here.
{Stan glares at Badstar.}
BADSTAR: {Thinking: GAH!!! He must be really pissed!}
JUDGE: ... This "Larry" person doesn't seem to be here.
STAN: ... I told you he'd be here.
JUDGE: Oh, my! Mr. Stan, are you really okay?
STAN: ... Just wait.
JUDGE: Huh... Well, uh, Mr. Strunner. Do you have anything to say before we see this witness?
BADSTAR: Well, yes. I was going to tell the witness, but I think I should tell the court, first. You see... I-...I found that there was a mistake with the previous fingerprint results. {Presents results} So, some new results were made. And... the results match the next witness's fingerprints. {Thinking: Whew... I thought I'd break the promise for a second. Good thing too. Jon wouldn't forgive me. But no doubt Stan's gonna be even more pissed at me}
LARRY: {walks in} And I was sent here why?
JUDGE: You are being accused for the crime of assault.
STAN: ... Strunner. You don't know the mistake you just made.
BADSTAR: {Thinking: ...Yep. I was right. He's friggin' pissed}
LARRY: And what evidence do you have againsed me?
BADSTAR: This! {Presents the results}
LARRY: Good. Very good indeed. But you forgot one fact: I DON'T HAVE ANY FREAKIN' ARMS!
BADSTAR: ...W-what!?
LARRY: Yes. If you pour flour on me, or anything else, you won't see any marks covering area's you can't currently see.
BADSTAR: Uh... h-how do you pick stuff up?
LARRY: All homeschools and homestar's, no matter how smart or dimwitted, leard to pick up things with their minds naturally. Like how you learn to use arms and legs as a baby.
BADSTAR: ...But the results...
LARRY: I have no clue how you even got thoes. I think you're looking for the wrong larry.
STAN: OBJECTION! I'll have to stop you there, Strunner. I'm pretty sure you didn't look at those results, did you?
JUDGE: ... I beg your pardon?
STAN: If you'd look at them... you'd find that no prints were found on the gun.
JUDGE: ... But that's what you said earlier!
STAN: I'm fully aware. The results weren't mixed at all. End of story.
BADSTAR: WHAAAAAAAT!?!? {Thinking: No! What am I going to do!? WHAT THE (Bleep) AM I GOING TO DO!?}
JUDGE: Wow! What a turn of events!
STAN: Hah! That's right. That "conclusive proof" was nothing more than a waste of time!
JUDGE: In that case, I've nothing to do but give a verdict.
BADSTAR: {Thinking: Wait a minute... something seemed fishy with those results} {Looks at results again} ...OBJECTION!!!
STAN: OBJECTION! The verdict is being handed out, everybody has been cross-examined--there's no more you can do, Strunner. Give it up.
BADSTAR: P-please! This is important. Like I have said before... The truth... is all that matters in court. And that is what I have to tell! The truth! So please... let me say one more thing.
STAN: Cut the drama, Rookie. It's been too long.
JUDGE: Agreed. We find the defendant...
???: OBJECTION!
STAN: Wh- what the- who said that?!
BADSTAR: {Thinking: Yeah, who?} {Looks towards the person who said "Objection".} {Gasps}
JON: I did.
STAN: ... Jon. You fool.
JON: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have here the results of the fingerprint test.
STAN: ...!
JON: They clearly state that no prints were found, as Mr. Stan said.
STAN: That's right...
JON: But there is a fatal flaw in this!
STAN: GHK-!
JON: Let me explain. If a man were to have no fingers, wouldn't that mean that he wouldn't leave fingerprints?
STAN: N-N-N-N-NOOOOOOOOO!
JON: As you can see, this makes this seem even clearer. Larry is the one who shot Jerry Cohen!
STAN: Jon! What... are you doing?!
JON: I'm telling the truth.
JUDGE: ... Why, this is insane! A detective comes and says that the tests we got earlier-
JON: Were false.
JUDGE: ... Oh, my. This is serious. Mr. Stan...
STAN: ...
JUDGE: You are aware of the seriousness of this. Withholding evidence is punishable by law.
STAN: ...
BADSTAR: ...Objection. I say Mr Stan... should not be punished but instead be given a warning.
JUDGE: Objection overruled. Mr. Stan will be penalized to the full extent of the l-
STAN: OBJECTION! The reason... I discarded the results. The reason was... because there were no fingerprints, I thought it was... irrelevant.
JUDGE: ... Mr. Stan, are you positive that's why?
STAN: Absolutely.
JUDGE: ... Mr. Stan, I will penalize you. Just think of it as a warning.
{Stan sits down, looking obviously hurt.}
JUDGE: Mr. Strunner. What are your thoughts on this recent revelation?
BADSTAR: I... don't really have anything to say except that I think a "Not Guilty" verdict is order for the defendant.
JUDGE: ... I agree. Since we know for a fact that Mr. Naitsuke didn't commit the crime, he shall go innocent. Mr. Larry will be tried later for assault. We find Mr. Naitsuke... NOT GUILTY.
STAN: ...
JUDGE: Court is adjourned.
{Cut: the courtroom lobby.}
JON: You did great out there, Mr. Strunner! I envy you, really, I do!
BADSTAR: Heh. Thanks! I didn't really think I'd win my second time...
JON: Well, I knew you were going to win. I had a good feeling.
{Stan walks by, giving a deathly glare to Badstar as he passes.}
JON: ... Mr. Stan sure looks mad.
BADSTAR: {Shudders} Are you SURE he's a nice guy?
JON: I'm sure he is.
{Stan walks back over.}
JON: Uh, hey! H-hey, Mr. Stan!
STAN: ...
{Stan smiles.}
STAN: You did good out there, Strunner.
BADSTAR: ...Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?
STAN: It makes me happy to see a rookie get off the ground.
JON: I told you he was a nice guy!
BADSTAR: Errr... no offense, but why are you being nice to me all of a sudden?
STAN: I wanted to see how you did under pressure.
JON: But withholding evidence, sir-
STAN: ... I do things that sometimes, I'm ashamed of. But I have to say, Strunner... you're good at what you do. Keep on doing it.
JON: {smiles} What did I say?
STAN: The problem is, though, after this... I feel that I need to step down.
JON: ... What?
BADSTAR: Do you mean... you're going to stop being a prosecuter?
STAN: I'm afraid that's what I'm saying. After this, I don't think I can face the public anymore. Mr. Strunner... thanks.
{Stan starts leaving the room.}
BADSTAR: Stan... wait. I was wondering... well.... I still have a lot to learn so... do you think... maybe you can teach me some more? You don't have to, though. It's just an offer...
STAN: ... Well, I must say, asking from advice from a criminal... it's odd. But sure. I'll help you out.
JON: That's right! I will, too!
{Everything goes black}
BADSTAR: Thus, Stan became my mentor. Jon continued his career as a detective. I honestley don't know what will come in my future cases. I've read about some prosecuters and well... they scare me.
STAN: I finished my career as a prosecutor on that day. After using falsified evidence like that, I couldn't stand showing my face in court again. Then again, I have somebody to continue my legacy... and I plan on teaching him everything I know.
{The End...}
