Nothing's Gonna Change My Hat/ep1

Transcript

{open up to a sand dune in the desert. Slowly, we hear foot steps on the other side of it. A base-heavy classical musical score comes in, currently quiet with no base, and we see a black hat come over the side. The music gets louder and louder until the base comes in with a "DUH DUH DUH DUH DUHDUH" motion, with each "duh" marking a zoom-in on the black hat, which is now revealed to be worn by Ekul. The treble goes into a new segment altogether, while the base stays the same. Cut to Ekul's side, he brushes his brow.

cut to a hat store, the music still going on. Chwoka opens the door and looks around. Cut to a warehouse, where a man with a bald cap and a tommy gun is yelling at other people, gesturing wildly.

The camera moves behind a pillar, and when it goes past, we're now in a cave, as it slowly closes in on a cave drawing of a giant monster and stick figures. As it moves left, we see that the stick figures have obtained a fedora of some sort, and have thrown it in a pot. The monster is there in the next drawing, this time with a X through it. Zoom out again, and a tribal man (presumably the Chief) is shouting at others that are sitting on the ground and pointing at the drawings. He points to a picture we have not seen, and we zoom in again on the picture, where a vessel of some sort is holding stick figures in water.

Cut back to Chwoka at the hat store. The music stops. He picks up a fedora.}

CHWOKA: Heh. Darlon is going to be SO jealous if I get this hat.

{The shopkeep looks over at Chwoka}

MR. MATTHEWS: Ah, you have an excellent taste Mr. Chwoka.

{The fedora has no price tag on it}

CHWOKA: Uh, {sets the fedora down on the counter} how much for this fedora? Somebody tore off the price tag.

MR. MATTHEWS: That is because the price is negotiable. I am told the price is to be around $150, if you have that much.

CHWOKA: $150!? Bah, this is hardly even $130.

MR. MATTHEWS: Nonsense! This hat is unique! I'm not asking any less than $135!

CHWOKA: Unique!? That's the only reason this price is so high!? I've seen TONS of these around town! The only thing this one has going for it is because this is my favorite store. $100!

MR. MATTHEWS: Y-you may have thought you have but you haven't! $110!

CHWOKA: Come on, now, $110!? For this color set of Gray with a band of Darker Gray!? Jeez, what a rip-off. $87!

MR. MATTHEWS: {desperate not to lose the sale} No! It changes colors! $90! I'm not going any lower!

CHWOKA: Changes colors!? It does not! $75, or I'm buying the same hat from one of those other stores I mentioned.

MR. MATTHEWS: 75$? I oughta throw you out of my store! That's half the orignial price!

{Silence for a few seconds}

MR. MATTHEWS: Fine! Gimme your cash and get the hell outta here!

{Chwoka puts a check on the counter.}

CHWOKA: You take checks, right?

MR. MATTHEWS: {Grumbles} First you steal from me, now you want to use a check. Alright, I'll take it.

{Mr. Matthews extends his hand impatiently, Chwoka puts the check in his hand. The moment he closes the drawer, they're all smiles again.}

CHWOKA: Nice doing business with you.

MR. MATTHEWS: I'm just glad I don't have any customers like you. {laughs} I'm just kiddin', you enjoy that hat.

CHWOKA: Thanks, Matthews.

{Chwoka strolls out the door with a spring in his step. Cut to his house, Darlon is sitting on the couch, watching something while typing on his laptop.}

CHWOKA: Darlon, I didn't think you liked this kind of show!

DARLON: I don't; I'm writing a review of this particular episode.

CHWOKA: Oh, right. Your review site. Say, how do you like my new hat?

{Darlon looks up at Chwoka.}

DARLON: It's a bit bland color-wise, but otherwise it is EXTREMELY good. I didn't know you had any taste in hats.

{Darlon turns back to the computer. Cut to Ekul in the desert. He walks into a strange ruin. Suddenly the door behind him shuts}

EKUL: Oh great. Now the fun begins.

{Ekul carefully walks forward. Suddenly, a metal grinder crushes in front of him.}

EKUL: I shoulda convinced Kyves to come.

{Ekul walks to a pool of water and splashes it on the grinders, then freezes them solid. The grinding halts, then resumes. Ekul gets a new idea and tries to melt the metal to the floor. It starts to halt, and Ekul jumps through. He walks up to a mannequin head, obviously supposed to have a hat on it}

EKUL: DANG! Wait... what's this?

{Ekul looks at a flier next to it. It's a pamphlet for a hat store.}

EKUL: Oh. Shoot. And this store changed two years ago and all its merchandise was split between other stores... Hmm... One was in Oregon... I guess that would be a good place to start.

{Ekul turns around, more traps have been sprung.}

EKUL: Ah crap. Here goes nothing!

{Ekul fires a fireball, and a hole hits the wall of the chamber. There is a big chasm out.}

EKUL: Here goes nothing!

{Ekul creates an ice slide down the chasm, then jumps onto it}

EKUL: AAAAAAAAARRRGH!

{Cut to the hat store, a limo pulls up and Bald Tommy climbs out, carrying his gun and in his striped suit. He covertly walks into the store with his cronies}

MR. MATTHEWS: Hello how may I...

BALD TOMMY: Eh, cut the crap Matthews. A little boid told me that you got somethin' we want.

MR. MATTHEWS: What? I don't know what...

BALD TOMMY: Biceps, bring me da bat.

{A big man comes over with a metal bat}

MR. MATTHEWS: Wha- What are you doing here?

BALD TOMMY: Our little, shall we say, "Business" requires somethin' you got. Now, you gonna give it? Or are we going to have to... uh, persuade you?

MR. MATTHEWS: Just tell me-

{Bald Tommy grabs him by the shirt collar}

BALD TOMMY: Don't play games wit' me. I want your hat!

MR. MATTHEWS: Please clarify-

BALD TOMMY: You know which. I'm gonna give you three days. Then, your fingers come off. One. By. One.

{One of the cronies hits the desk with the baseball bat, severely denting it. Bald Tommy and his cronies leave.}

{Cut to Darlon, still on the couch.}

DARLON: It's all proofread...{presses enter} Done.

{Pan to the wireless modem. Follow the wire into the ground, slowly increasing speed on the underground part. Continue for about 3 minutes, and follow the wire up to Nived's internet connection. A ping sound comes from his computer.}

NIVED: Oh, hey, new post up. {clicks on something, and reads it.} Hmm, yes I agree. I think... Well...

{Nived starts typing, Ekul bursts in, smoke coming off of his hat}

EKUL: I'm... {huff puff} back... I'm going to Oregon. You coming?

NIVED: Always on the move ever since that Mafia thing. Hmph.

EKUL: Right right... I think the hat's in...

NIVED: Wait a sec. I know this reviewer, probably about the only sane guy in the world, who lives there. Maybe we could stop by there.

EKUL: Okay. Now, where's Kyves? We need him to fly us there.

KYVES: I'm here!

EKUL: Let's go.

{Kyves, Ekul and Nived get into a plane, and stash all their stuff inside}

NIVED: How DID you get this?

KYVES: Legally!

NIVED: {Sarcastic} I'm sure.

KYVES: Where are we going?

{Ekul gets out a map, then the plane starts to lift off. Cut back to Oregon. Vanhock is taking a walk, when the plane lands on him}

VANHOCK: They'll need a plane! They'll need a plane!

{Just as Vanhock is crawling out, the ramp down comes out and crushes him.}

VANHOCK: This is no way to be introduced!

{Ekul, Kyves and Nived climb out.}

KYVES: Look out! The ramp has had a major malfunction and is going to explode!

{Kaboom! The plane is damaged}

KYVES: Nooo! This will take some time to fix!

VANHOCK: My legs are on fire! ARGH!

NIVED: {Sigh} Ekul, put the fire out.

{Ekul uses his firepower to put a chill over Vanhock and snuff out the fire}

NIVED: Do you know who Darlon is?

VANHOCK: W-w-w-w-whhhhhhhy? Ssssssoooo ccooooooooold...

NIVED: I read his column and enjoy it as much as anyone can enjoy anything: Slightly. Now can you tell me? Or waste my time?

{Vanhock points to the left.}

VANHOCK: Ttttttttthhhhhhhhaaat wa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-y. So cold

NIVED: Hmph. You have been useful.

{Nived walks away}

KYVES: Coming from Nived, that's pretty much "Thank you".

EKUL: Sorry about the chill there.

{Ekul tries to heat Vanhock up to body temperature}

VANHOCK: Aaaaah. MY LEGS ARE SEVERELY BURNED AND MY BACK IS BEING CRUSHED BY THIS RAMP I AM GOING TO DIE SOON GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL.

EKUL: So Kyves, you got a phone in the plane?

KYVES: It's broken by the blast. I do have a cellphone.

{Kyves calls an ambulance}

KYVES: They're on their lunch break. It'll be an hour or two before they get here.

{cut to Chwoka's house. The doorbell rings, and Darlon sets down his laptop and goes to the door}

DARLON: Who is it?

NIVED: I am Nived. I am told that a genius named Darlon lives here.

DARLON: Oh, stop being such a kiss-up. {opens the door.} You're...a penguin. There are so many things wrong with that that I don't know where to begin.

NIVED: Well, I should have known you'd question my appearance. Just because I'm a penguin everybody flips out. {Mutters to self} Well I guess fate always hates the excellent... {Audibly} Well anyway, I must admit I enjoy your work on the insipid genres that you critique.

DARLON: What, all of them? I'm practically guaranteed a job being a critic of everything FOR LIFE. {also mumbling} If only I could get paid without compromising my reviews {audibly} Anyway, I do find it rather odd that you're a penguin, yes, because we don't often see things like that. I should have been more open-minded, but humans will be humans.

NIVED: Well, that aside I will actually be staying quite near here for a while. You know of any hat stores?

{Cut to an empty street. Strong Sader walks down. He is wearing uncoordinated clothes, as if he has torn most of them off. He wears a blue t-shirt underneath an unbuttoned gray shirt, along with long charcoal trousers and white plimsole shoes. He is looking flustered, as if he is frustrated. He is suddenly ripped into an alleyway and slammed against a wall. It's Bald Tommy.}

STRONG SADER: Thomas... THOMAS SAVASTANO!?

BLAD TOMMY:Yeah, Sader it is, now shut up nice and I'll let you get on your way. Remember the favor you owed me?

STRONG SADER: But, I've never met you before-

{Bald Tommy holds a Deagle to his cheek and activates the laser sight, ominously.}

STRONG SADER: What- what do you want?

BALD TOMMY: {Holds up a photo of the fedora.} You see dis?

STRONG SADER: {Strong Sader stares hard at the photo, and his eyes open is shock, as if terrified of the hat. he pulls himself together in time to escape discovery} The Hat?

BALD TOMMY: Yes, idiot! The hat!

STRONG SADER: Why do you want the hat? Why do you need ME?

BALD TOMMY: I've got Greg Matthews on it, but we all know what he's like. His senetor brother 'll get him out of the state and into protection faster then you can say "I'll blow yer brains out if you ask more questions." Now get goin' before I have Slitz shows yer kidneys to you.

{OOC: I think the mafia isn't supposed to know he has the fedora yet. Other wise, welcome!}

{The mafia limo comes up and Bald Tommy gets in. The door closes, and as it pulls away, it splashes Strong Sader with a puddle by the curb. Cut to Ekul and Kyves, and the ambulance pulls up}

EKUL: Well, so long Vanhock. Kyves, let's vamoose

KYVES: I can't, I need to wait until I can move my plane.

EKUL: Fine, fine.

{Ekul walks off towards the street, whistling a tune. On his way, he passes Strong Sader, now drenched by the paddle, and with a miffed expression, mixed with apprehension over the fedora. Neither notice each other. The camera follows Strong Sader, who draws the photo from his pocket, and examines it.}

STRONG SADER: {Under his breath} Greg Matthews...

{Zoom out, to reveal that he is standing directly in front of "Greg Matthew's HAT STORE!" The window has a "Closed" sign in it. All the lights are off. WUjcm walks by.}

JCM: {looks at shop} What? Closed? How did this happen? This is the only store I go to! {to Strong Sader} Do you know what caused this?

{Zoom out even more, Darlon is across the street, when he calls over to JCM.}

DARLON: {shouting} So, what, you grow your own food? {talking to himself} Heh. That was pretty good. Why was I here? Oh, right.

{Darlon leaves, stage right. Zoom back in to before we zoomed out to see the hat shop, only now JCM is there. Cut to the ambulance, Kyves watches some medical workers put Vanhock inside}

KYVES: You want me to come with you?

VANHOCK: Sure, the least amount of compensation I could ask for is to waste your time.

KYVES: Well, if you insist.

{Kyves gets in the ambulence}

KYVES: Do you want me to act concerned?

VANHOCK: No, but you might want to. It would look better if I take you to court.

KYVES: It was my right to park in the field! You should have looked both ways before crossing!

VANHOCK: I was on the sidewalk near the fence by the field; your point is moot!

{Indistinguishable bickering is heard between the two as we zoom out of the speeding ambulance, and soon the camera stops following it. We are left with an empty urban view, where Darlon and Nived walk on.}

DARLON: Now, as a critic, I, by pure description, have to review things. Today I have decided I want to review a restruant (spelling correct please), following a more mainstream genre of review. So -

{the camera zooms out to show that there are 8 restruants on the other side of the street, all in a row. Darlon swivels around and slides his hand in front of them as he speaks.}

DARLON: - as a courteous host, I will let YOU choose which restruant we make cry.

NIVED: Hmm... I would say the disgusting and cheap fast food place, but that's cliché and easy. I want you to try the Italian restaurant.

DARLON: You actively want to see me overcome challenge. Well, I look challenge in the eye and I shake hands with it.

{Darlon crosses the street without looking and does not get hit by any vehicle. They enter inside, but the camera does not follow. Ekul enters, still whistling, this time whistling "Colonel Bogey March"}

EKUL: Wow, look at all these restaurants... Italian... Chinese... I think I'll go to the... Oh snap, I left my wallet in my other pants' pockets... Only... it doesn't make a bit of difference guys.

{Ekul enters the Chinese restaurant. As he walks in, a cloaked man walks in behind him silently. Then, the camera still doesn't move for about a minute, the ambulence goes by}

KYVES: ...look, according to Section 3542b, pedestrians cannot dart across into an oncoming vehicle, and it's hard to back out of a landing with a plane...

STRONG SADER: {Offscreen} Psst! Ekul!

{Ekul looks around confused, but then focuses on Strong Sader. Cut to show he is sitting at a table.}

STRONG SADER: Ekul, is this what you were looking for? {Produces the photograph}

EKUL: Ah HAH!

{Ekul examines it}

EKUL: I knew it was around here somewhere... Do you know where it was last?

STRONG SADER: {Whispers} Last I heared, it was up at Greg Matthews place. The Mafia's after me, there going to kill me for doing this, but somehow... I don't think that'll be a problem.

EKUL: The mafia? THEY knew he had the hat already...? I have to find that hat first! But who could have bought it...?

{Cut to outside the chinese joint. A mafia goon is in a car opposite with a sniper.}

BALD TOMMY: {Over cell-phone} He's trying to rumble us. You know what to do.

{Cut back to the inside of the chinese. Ekul gets up to leave, and persue the hat, Strong Sader grabs his arm to stop him.}

STRONG SADER: Ekul, before you go. Listen: there's something about that hat. I can't tell you exactly how but it made me-

{Strong Sader is sniped in mid-sentence. The bullet pendetrates his heart. He lands on the table, dead.}

EKUL: Oh SNAP! I gotta get down!

{Ekul dives under the table just before a bullet goes off}

EKUL: Strong Sader! NOOOOO!

{Strong Sader rolls off the table, and lands next to Ekul. He groans as if in pain.}

EKUL: Strong Sader? Are you alive?

{The bullet is suddenly spat out of the wound. Strong Sader gets up, alive and well.}

{OOC: I have to go. It's night over here.}

{OOC: Okay. I have to leave at 5:15 won't be on for another 4 hours}

EKUL: We have to get out of here!

{WHITEWASH'D! (injoke lol) Darlon steps on screen.}

DARLON: They sniped him THROUGH a wall, and then the bullet came back out by itself? Oh, and right before the big reveal. Bravo.

{The whitewash goes away. Pan over to Darlon and Nived in the Italian place, testing the pasta.}

DARLON: This pasta is so thin I could order it in a drink!

NIVED: And this cheese... Who wants mild? Nobody, that's who!

SOME GUY: {off-screen, behind Darlon} I like mild.

NIVED: Well that's plain. Just like the people who all want nothing to change and... Oh, why am I talking to you.

DARLON: Anyway, I think that's enough, we should really go now.

SOME GUY: Yeah, you're getting on everyone's nerves.

{Darlon and Nived stand up and walk away, camera panning to follow them. Darlon slaps a check on the desk without stopping, and they both stop at the door. Darlon looks at Nived, hand on door.}

DARLON: You know, I think this is the beginning of something beautiful.

{They both exit}

{end episode, roll credits}