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Newspaper Failure

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NEWSPAPER FAILURE
THE ONLY JOURNALISTIC PUBLICATION THAT DARES TO ASK: HOW DID SKUB GET TO BE SO DANG FAT?1
Established 6th of February, 2010, failed soon after

Staff

Archives

Issue 1

Current Articles

"GREATEST HITS" NOT GREATEST HIT?

10:09 Everything Else Greatest Hits?? (16 changes; hist) . . (+2,135) . . [Bad Bad Guy? (16×)]

Bad Bad Guy is making a new fanstuff. As this user remains unproven so far, it is important to pay close attention! However — 16 edits in one day? Clearly Bad Bad Guy feels the need to constantly bump up his fanstuff for attention. DO NOT GIVE IT TO HIM!

MIKECONTROL CREATES NEW AIRSTAR FLYER EMAIL

10:02 Other Character Email Airstar Flyer/EFF THE POLICE? (diff; hist) . . (+70) . . MikeControl (Talk | contribs) (Created page with '''{We start with Airstar, who is still thinking at the poker table.}''')

Strangely, MikeControl seems to have hit a bit of writer's block! He created a page after only writing one line, and an uninspired one at that! Do not go near MikeControl, his writer's bolock might be contagious! Upon investtigation of this MikeControl fellow I found out that he used to be the dangerous Marshieman and... oh god, it's hit me too! Run! Run while you still can!

WHERE'S THE EMAILS, GUYS (EDITORIAL)

You may note that there is no picture here. Why is that?

Nobody is sending Coach Z emails. Nobody is sending him good emails. What has this world come to where people, obviously in need, are snobbed in favor of some dumb dragon or a bouncing robot cup? It's sickening, it's un-American, it's distasteful, and it hurts. It hurts to be neglected.

THE TRIAL

09:59 Astromund Emails/send emails? (diff; hist) . . (+192) . . Homsar44withpie (Talk | contribs) (no seriously, send emails or I will charge and targe up your butt.)

The case of the HRFWiki vs. H44WP has developed from simple assault charges (see: above) to criminal uses of an emoticon of Something Awful withotu actually being a goon themselves. Newspaper Failure will continue to bring you the latest news on this.

SUPER SAM CONTINUES STRIKE

07:26 HRFWiki:Accidentally Purged/Requests? (diff; hist) . . (+90) . . JCM (Talk | contribs) (?Unapproved Pages: )

Super Sam has not made any responses to the "Requests" page of Accidentally Purged as part of his (unannounced) strike on everything HRFWiki! When pressed for answers, Super Sam simply said "Do you know what time it is in Australia?" WHY AREN'T YOU ANSWERING OUR HARD-HITTING QWUESTIONS, YOU DRAFT-DODGER?!

LOCAL MAN HAS AN ANEURYSM

Talk:HRF Very Shorts/Help I'm Having An Aneurysm?; 18:12 . . Homsar44withpie (Talk | contribs)

Local man Lunar Jesters has had an aneurysm. When asked about his condition, doctors say "[he's] having an aneurysm", and did not comment further. He was rushed to the hospital in what people say was a state of "having an aneurysm". This reporter asks; where were the bystanders when this man had an aneurysm? Were they, too, having aneurysms? Nobody had helped the man, save one kindred soul (not shown here). What has this place come to?

WHERE'S THE EMAILS, GUYS (RESPONSE)

We are facing an email drought! You shant be so greedy as to demand more in this time of limited, rationed emails? You get what you get and you don't throw a fit. You're getting the third most emails of all! Typical liberal weak-kneed whining.

THE TRIAL, CONT'D

User talk:Shadow Scythe of Strongbadia?!?; 03:22 . . Homsar44withpie (Talk | contribs) (?hey)

It appears that, during the case of HRFW v. H44WP, defendant Homsar44withpie has been shown consorting with rather shady fellows. Could this mean an additional charge for possession? Perhaps money laundering? I hope he goes to jail.

BREAKING NEWS (IN THE FORM OF MOVING PAGES)

11:11 Other Character Email Airstar Flyer/I LOVE THE POLICE? (diff; hist) . . (+71) . . MikeControl (Talk | contribs) (Created page with '''{We start with Airstar sitting at the poker table, still thinking.}''')

MikeControl (or, as the fine journalists here at Newspaper Failure like to call him, Marshieman) has changed the title of his latest Airstar Emails, "EFF THE POLICE" into the "I LOVE THE POLICE." The implications of this are manyfold!2 For starters, the change of the words themselves are staggeringly politically correct! From the mere suggestion of a curse word into its exact opposite! (Or synonym for some people, if you catch my drift.) And even more striking — Marshieman did this without provocation!

And just look at the text contained within — still exactly the same, with no new additions. But note the presence of the word "still" in "still thinking." Is he still thinking on the same train of thought seen in EFF THE POLICE? The potentials for symbolism is flabbergasting, and I for one cannot wait to see what he does to toy with this intercontextuality.

There's also the method by which he moved this page. Instead of using the traditional, automatic way, by using the "move" tab at the top of the page to make it clear to all people everywhere that he has moved this page and it is tyhe same page as before. Unless he wants to create the illusion of being twice as productive as before? Either that, or doing it manually by replacing EFF THE POLICE's text with "#REDIRECT [[Other Character Email Airstar Flyer/I LOVE THE POLICE]]". Which works just as fine. Instead, he leaves the page behind, with no links and not even the dignity of a tobedeleted template! Is creating an orphaned page part of his master plan towards the plot arc of Airstar? Only time can tell.

CHWOKA LIES, IS FAT

(diff) (hist) . . Newspaper Failure?; 19:57 . . Chwoka (Talk | contribs) (BREAKING NEWS and some reordering of articles (see i'm perfectly honest in my edit summarties unlike SOME PEOPLE))

Listen, I'm just telling it like it is when I say that Chwoka is very fat. Like, he's very fat. He's fat enough that he's got a monument to his girth in his home town of, uh, The Goondocks. That's in Oregon so I think I'm right. Chwoka eats so much food, that they have dedicated entire parking lots to house all the lard that Chwoka has to shove into his crusty mouth-hole every day. Chwoka is very, very, fat, and his favorite food is the tears of homeless children.

Chwoka is also a big fat liar, and he is a big liar, okay? One time I gave him five dollars, he said he'd pay me back. That was a month ago and I have yet to see my investment come back to me (with interest, Chwoka). He also lied about one time when he said Smash Bros. came out. I called my dad and said, "get me that game, okay", but it turns out it wasn't out, so I had to apologize, and you know what? It was really awkward for me and all parties involved. Chwoka also once kicked a dog and I'm pretty sure I saw the dog cry.

I am telling the truth, and if you don't like it you can get out of are country.

SKUB HAS BEEN HIT BY A TRUCK

I regret to inform you, but today, at 12:21 PM Pacific Time, Skub, almost immediately after writing a lies-filled article about various unsavory activities I have participated in — all lies, by the way — walked outside and was hit by a truck carrying an unknown payload. We will all dearly miss him, and it was a shame that his last article was a batch of lies. However, we at Newspaper Failure must solider on bravely and continue to deliver the news in a timely fashion!

SKUB HAS NOT BEEN HIT BY A TRUCK

Today, at 3:28 PM Eastern Standard Time, Will "Dr. Butthole" Chwoka lied about me being hit by a truck. I was not hit by a truck; a kid ran over my foot on their Big Wheel. I thought about punching the kid, but I didn't.

When asked for a comment, Chwoka broke every chair in Oregon and ate a city block.

SKUB SHOULD HAVE BEEN HIT BY A TRUCK, IS FIRED

Today we received the news that Skub, a lying liar who transfers blame and apparently weight on to others, was not hit by a truck, but rather a Big Wheel. I apologize for my mix-up, but in my defense, when Skub first called me to tell me he wasn't dead, he couldn't reach the phone because of his amazing amount of fat. That's right, you heard it here first, people! Skub is actually the fat one. And my favorite food is not a liquid, that makes no sense. And those five dollars? I paid you back, you fat beast, but then you ate it between two slices of bread. In summation, we should hope that Skub is actually hit by a truck in the near future. Let's keep him in our prayers. Also, in accordance with this, Skub has been fired to accurately simulate how dead he is to me.3

THE TRIAL, CONT'D

Talk:Newspaper Failure?; 21:20 . . Homsar44withpie (Talk | contribs) (?EPIC WIN: )

I will mess you up, Chwoka. I will walk all the way to Oregon with my massive calves and I will kick you right in the mouth.

I'd suggest you get up, but last time you took a step you capsized Atlantis. So way to go.

  1. "It's glandular!" lied Skub, a pathological liar. When questioned, he lied.
  2. "Manyfold" is totes a word now.
  3. So dead.

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