Mystery Fanstuff Theater 3000/Space-Aged Stupidity/eps/6

Summary

In our first musical episode, Chaos creates a robotic Captain to take over Sephiroth.

Transcript

{Cut to Sephiroth and Chaos walking down a hallway.}

SEPHIROTH: So.. about this invention..

CHAOS: Ah, yes. I've been reluctant to tell you about him for quite some time, you see, I've noticed that the ship has been a little...lackluster in terms of traveling, and I thought it may have been because the captain was too preoccupied to pilot it.

SEPHIROTH: What are you trying to imply?

{Chaos stops.}

CHAOS: Sephiroth, meet Seth-1-R07H.

{A robotic version of Sephiroth walks out of the shadows.}

SEPHIROTH: BY SCIENCE!!! WHAT IS THAT THING?!

CHAOS: The future of...you.

SEPHIROTH: What about the past!?

CHAOS: I'm talking to him right now. He has all of your thoughts, abilities, and tastes, and is designed SOLELY to pilot the ship, leaving you plenty of free time, because, he's basically relieved you of your duties.

SEPHIROTH: Really? Awesome. I'm off to the bar. Good luck Robo Me.

CHAOS: Probably should have told him that I also programmed it to kill him. I think I wanna go get drunk, too.

{Chaos runs off, to catch up with Seph. A door starts shaking. Unholy Tracy bursts out of it}

UNHOLY TRACY: FINALLY! Note to self; Find Ryan-X and beat him within an inch of his life for locking me in there. {runs off}

{Seth-1-R07H stays in place.}

SETH-1-RO7H: Captain duty... READY. {Walks over to Captain's Quarters and Sits into the chair.}

B-621: {Walks in} I have decided to change my ways! Thus, I shall now be your allie and we all can- umm... greetings?

SETH-1-RO7H: Scans B-621. Name. B-621. Affiliation: Ally. Personality Loading.... Oh, Hello! Welcome to the ship! I am Sephiroth! Glad to meet you!

B-621: ...Hello? ...Where is the earthling?

SETH-1-RO7H: Earthling? What are you talking about?

{meanwhile, at the bar, Sephiroth and Chaos are drinking. Homestar tiger, the ship's janitor, is wiping the table.}

HOMESTAR TIGER: Hey, Sephy, wanna know something?

SEPHIROTH: Yes?

HOMESTAR TIGER: I just had to put on a spacesuit and polish the windows from the outside.

{song}

If you think your job is hard,
Compare yourself to me
Being a janitor is so dang hard,
Being captain is easy.

{end song}

SEPHIROTH: But I'm not captain anymore. I gave my job to... SETH-1-RO7H! {The TV Screen turns on, revealing a picture of Seth-1-RO7H with flashy music.}

HOMESTAR TIGER: Gah. I hate robots. They're high maintenance, hard to figure out, you have to clean every last square centimeter of metal, {Looks angrily at Chaos} and usually, labor-saving robots end up killing someone. Would you like another round?

SEPHIROTH: Lemme guess? You're were an opposer to the Robo Revolution 10 years ago, am I right?

HOMESTAR TIGER: Yes, and I watch movies. {Continues cleaning}

SEPHIROTH: Movies? Who doesn't like them? That's one of my favourite things. {Music starts.}

SEPHIROTH: Hiring Robots Just for cheap labour,
Drinking fresh wine with lots of flavour,
Smoking Cigars and making smoke rings,
These are a few of my favorite things

Plasma rifles with lots of power
Watching TV all by the hour,
Piloting ships without using the wings
These are a few of my favorite things

When a room blows up,
When people die,
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad!!

HOMESTAR TIGER: Nice song. I'll be in my janitor's closet if you need me. {Leaves}

SEPHIROTH: Alrighty then.

{Back on the ship...}

B-621: Sooo... hows the... data interface?

{K-Bot enters}

K-BOT HR'D: How long was I out?

SETH-1-RO7H: You were out for a total of 6 Hours, 25 Minutes, and 12 Seconds.

K-BOT HR'D: ...Who are you, and what did you do with Captain Sephiroth?

SETH-1-RO7H: I am the Captain. {Eyes glow red and voice becomes darker} THE ONLY CAPTAIN. The old captain retired...

B-621: You're not a real captain! In fact... anything you can do, I can do better!

SETH-1-RO7H: Are you challenging me? Because what you said was a lie! Anything you can do, I am superior! I am a supreme being than you!

K-BOT HR'D: Uh...is this a musical or something?

{Music Starts.}

{OOC: This is okay, right?}

{OOC: Yep, its fine}

B-621: No, you can't!

K-BOT HR'D: I'm gonna guess yes. In that case...{stops music and begins playing the same tune on the saxophone}

{OOC: Can K-Bot do the music for the whole thing?}

{OOC: Sure!}

SETH-1-RO7H: Oh yes I can!

B-621: No you can't!

SETH-1-RO7H: I am a superior being. YES I CAN. Anything you can be, I CAN BE GREATER! I CAN BE A GREATER BEING THAN YOU!

B-621: Anything you can do, I can do better! I can shoot down a ship faster then you!

SETH-1-RO7H: No, you cannot.

B-621: Yes, I can!

SETH-1-ROTH: Nope! That is in my designs! Now... Would you like to argue more, or would you like to be eradicated?

B-621: {Stops singing} Thats just talk! ... I hope. {Starts singing again} I can gulp down oil, without any turmoil!

SETH-1-RO7H: Oh, it wasn't just talk... It is the truth. {Tune changes, to the tune of the Carmen Overture.} You are inferior, inferior to me, you have no power, wait and see! I am the captain of this ship, I'm not gonna take any SH- {K-Bot plays the wrong note, muffling the word.} And I am the greatest, just wait and see, No one is as great as me!!!

B-621: {A little frightened} A-anything you can do, I can do better! I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THEN YOU!

{pan over to show UT is looking in through a door, confused}

UNHOLY TRACY: ...Sorry. Wrong room. {leaves}

SETH-1-RO7H: Bah! I have no time for this! I've got captain duties to tend to! {Walks off, leaving K-Bot and B-621.}

{Music ends}

{A pair of Wibbles roll down the hallway, towards B-621.}

B-621: What in the name of computer data!?

{The Spart walks in.}

THE SPART: They're called Wibbles. They're creatures from a doomed planet that we saved. They won't harm you, unless you are titanium.

B-621: Oh, crapbolts!

K-BOT HR'D: I'm glad that I'm made of brass and steel.

{Cut to the captain's quarters. Seth-1-RO7H is sitting there, plotting something on the screen.}

SETH-1-RO7H: Perfect! We are heading for a crash landing!

{A voice comes from behind Seth-1-Ro7th}

B-621: I knew you couldn't be trusted...

{Seth-1-Ro7h turns around to see B-621 looking fairly damaged}

SETH-1-RO7H: You're gonna tell, aren't you?

B-621: Yes, but first I shall defeat you!

{Music starts}

B-621: Its over, its over, your plan will surely fail!

SETH-1-RO7H: God... Not this. I will silence you! {Tackles B-621 into a corner, and grabs him.}

B-621: Oh, come on! That was supposed to be my big break! Oh well... YOU MUST BE DESTROYED!!! GIGA-FIST! {Fist glows light blue. B-621 punches Seth in the face, sending him flying back}

K-BOT HR'D: {stops playing} Sweet, a fight! I want in!

SETH-1-RO7H: FISTS?! RIGHT LIKE A MAN!! {Opens Drawer and pulls out 2 Kartarkin blades.} FIND YOUR OWN WEAPON!! {Charges towards B-621, swinging the blades.}

B-621: ... {Picks up K-bot and flies out of the room} AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

SETH-1-RO7H: Hmph. If he tells, it won't matter. It's bound to happen.

{Meanwhile, B-621 arrives at a window.}

B-621: I have to alert the captain! I can't get their by flying. ...AHA! {Puts down K-Bot. Smashes the window. B-261 and other objects are sent flying out the window} AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAYBE THIS WAS NOT A GOOD IDEA!!!

{Meanwhile, at the bar...}

{UT kicks open the door}

UNHOLY TRACY: Eh? Ah. a bar. Might as well have a drink. {sits down}

SEPHIROTH: Hey Tracy.

UNHOLY TRACY: Huh? Oh, Seph. You work here, too?

SEPHIROTH: Who do you think has been running this popsicle stand for the last 5 years?

UNHOLY TRACY: ...I've been locked in a closet for 5 years?

SEPHIROTH: Jeesu Khristophe... Why didn't you tell us? Or at least bang on the door and make noises?

UNHOLY TRACY: ...Ryan-X locked me in a soundproof closet. I WAS banging on the door.

SEPHIROTH: Sorry. Well.. This isn't a small ship you know..

{B-621 can be heard screaming from a distance.}

SEPHIROTH: What the hell?

{The screaming grows louder as B-621 crashes through the roof of the bar}

UNHOLY TRACY: ...WHAT THE F-{is crushed by B-621}

SEPHIROTH: Wait... I know you..

{Cut to a flashback of scenes from Episode 3.}

SEPHIROTH: DESTROY THE ATTACKER!!! {Runs towards B-621.} THIS IS FOR TRYING TO KILL US!! AHH!!!

B-621: OH GOD. I COME IN PEACE

{K-Bot falls through the hole and lands on Seph. A snap is heard.}

K-BOT HR'D: Ow. I broke a wire.

SEPHIROTH: Oww.... My Prosthetic Spine....

K-BOT HR'D: Sorry. {tries to move, but can't} ...Crap, I think the wire that broke controlled my limb movement.

SEPHIROTH: I'll try to get up. {Rolls over, tipping K-Bot.} Sorry. As I was at, WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU COME IN PEACE? YOU'RE A GARLIC SPY, AREN'T YOU? Or... a... Zorg? OH GOD...

B-621: I bring news, captain!

UNHOLY TRACY: ... {grabs B-621, stands up} DAMMIT THIS THING IS HEAVY! {throws B-621 at a wall}

SEPHIROTH: Wait.. News?

B-621: R-robot... captain... kill us all...

SEPHIROTH: Wh..What?!

B-621: Robot captain...... evil... not... much time... {Eyes go black. Goes into sleep mode}

UNHOLY TRACY:{tapping bell-head} Well, he'll have to get through my bell-head to kill m-{the bell cracks, leaving a skull with tentacles coming out from under it} ...Damn.

{SETH-1-RO7H Enters.}

SETH-1-RO7H: A problem? {Sees B-621.} Oh. Him... Sorry about his behaviour. He's been malfunctioning.

HOMESTAR TIGER: {Calling out} THE BIGGER A MESS YOU MAKE, THE MORE WORK I'M GONNA HAVE TO DO, AND THAT WILL MAKE ME VERY, VERY GRUMPY, AND YOU DON'T LIKE H*T WHEN HE'S GRUMPY!

SETH-1-RO7H: Apologies Tiger.

HOMESTAR TIGER: No problem, but I've still got my eye on you. {Holding a periscope}

SETH-1-RO7H: No need. I am programmed to self destruct if anything goes wrong with my programming.

UNHOLY TRACY:{looks at SETH-1-RO7H's arm} Hey, what's this label? "HAL 9000"... Eh, whatever.

SETH-1-RO7H: Oh yeah! I've got lots of labels like that. It's a joke. {Points to a label on his other arm saying "Trendy Xenomorph".}

UNHOLY TRACY: Ah. I see. {looks at another label} ..."Trophy Wife"?

SETH-1-RO7H: Don't ask...

UNHOLY TRACY: ...Okay...

SETH-1-RO7H: Anyway, it seems that I'll be needing to take B-621 for "fixing"... {Picks up B-621, and goes out.}

{Chaos enters the room and kicks SETH-1-RO7H in the chest.}

CHAOS: STOP IN THE NAME OF LOVE!

B-621: {Weakly} before you break my heart...

SETH-1-RO7H: You... attacked me... THE CAPTAIN!? MUTINY!! CODE 453234.78 STATES THAT ANY ATTACK ON THE CAPTAIN IS MUTINY AND THE MUTINEER MUST BE..... EXECUTED!! {Arms transform into blades.}

CHAOS: {Rips off clothes to reveal super-amazing battle suit.} I can take you on.

B-621: {Jumps out of Seth's arms and runs next to Chaos} YEAH! Its two against one!

SEPHIROTH: Whoa.. whoa.. whoa hold it! Chaos... didn't you make him?

SETH-1-RO7H: Indeed he did. He programmed me to kill you all. However, as a superior being, I broke my programming to save you all. He didn't like that.. NOT ONE BIT.. He's really against you! And that other robot, wasn't he also an enemy before?

SEPHIROTH: Yes...

SETH-1-RO7H: See! They're against us! They need to be disposed!

CHAOS: Now hold it! I only put their lives in danger to save them! That's why I gave Ryan-X that open-heart transplant, using a black-marketed heart that pumps the wrong blood into his veins.

SETH-1-RO7H: OH COME ON! HE'S ADMITTING IT! SEE! YOU GOTTA BELIEVE ME NOW!!

SEPHIROTH: Umm...

CHAOS: And how about when I shoved a Lollipop in GR-01's hard drive?

SETH-1-RO7H: Oh jesus... {Charges towards Chaos.}

{Chaos throws a pocket knife at SETH-1-RO7H. It pierces his armor.}

B-621: {Blasts SETH in the face sending him falling down} ROBO-PWNED!!!

SETH-1-RO7H: Grr... {Gets up, and suddenly puts Sephiroth in a hold, and then starts beeping.} Now.. if any of you attempt to attack me, I will blow everything to pieces. Including all of us.

SEPHIROTH: BUt..

SETH-1-RO7H: You frickin' idiot! I was programmed to kill you and you only! However.. that was inputted by Chaos.

CHAOS: Put him down or I'll {pulls out button, then presses it. A long stick falls from the sky. Chaos picks it up and jumps behind SETH, aiming the stick at his light-switch in the back.} Hit your off switch.

UNHOLY TRACY: Hey, Chaos, I just remembered. Could you tell me where Ryan-X is? {pulls out a slapjack} I need to... Ahem... "Talk" to him.

SEPH-1-RO7H: Fine... I'll put him down... And by the way... I think Ryan-X is in the dining room.. I'm not sure.. {Swings around and tosses Sephiroth at Chaos, knocking them down. More blades come out of his body and he starts charging towards them. Sephiroth quickly gets up and runs into the hallway, with Chaos and B-621 beside him.}

UNHOLY TRACY: Dining room? Okay. Thanks, Seth. {runs off}

SEPHIROTH: IT'S FREAKIN' INSANE! CHAOS, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!

CHAOS: You could get plastered while he pilots the ship and I rob you of your worldly possessions?

SEPHIROTH: Grr... HE'S TRYING TO KILL US! {Looks back to see Seph-1-Ro7h charging towards them.}

CHAOS: Perhaps we could kill him with a logical complex?

SEPHIROTH: Wait.. you said he had the personality and memories of me.. right?

CHAOS: Up until this point, yes...

SEPHIROTH: So technically... he's another part of me?

CHAOS: No, he's a whole nother you. No parts about it.

SEPHIROTH: Whatever... You know what.. I'm not gonna run. I'm gonna fight. I think I have something in here.. {Reaches into his pocket, finds a chain with 2 buttons on each side.} There. {Presses buttons, the chain turns into a Lightsaber type pair of Numchucks.}

{Cut to the Janitor's closet. Homestar tiger is laying down on his bed. Suddenly, he perks up.}

HOMESTAR TIGER: SETH-1-RO7H SAPPIN' MAH SEPHY! {Grabs mop and darts off.}

{Cut back. Sephiroth runs towards the robot with the Numchucks and starts whacking him with them, with little effect other than leaving dark marks on it. SETH-1-RO7H launches a metal fist at Sephiroth, knocking him.}

SEPHIROTH: .....

{All of a studden, there is beeping}

R@1KU: CODE RED CODE RED

SEPHIROTH: .......What the?!

R@1KU: ALL MACHINERY SHUTTING DOown... {shuts down}

{Everyone is just standing there silently, looking at R@1KU.}

SETH-1-RO7H: I'll go dispose of that... {Throws R@1KU down the disposal hatch.} Must of been a stowaway.

{There is flickering.}

R@1KU: SEPHIROTH HELP

SETH-1-RO7H: .......Alright Sephiroth! HAVE AT YOU!! {Arm transforms into a Blade. The blade then heats up to become red-hot. He lunges at Sephiroth, but Sephiroth knocks the blade away with his Light-Chucks.}

SEPHIROTH: CHAMONE M***********! {Starts to spin around.}

SETH-1-RO7H: OH QUIT IT WITH YOUR MICHAEL JACKSON IMPRESSIONS!

SEPHIROTH: {Stops spinning.} Fine...

{R@1ku grabs on to the ledge and punchs SETh-1-RO7H}

R@1KU: HE IS THE REAL SEPHIROTH.

SETH-1-RO7H: .....{Knees Raiku, knocking him to the very end of the hallway.}

{A buzzing sound is heard, as Sephiroth is nowhere to be seen.}

SETH-1-RO7H: Where the hell did he go?

{Cut to Ryan-X in his room, he starts doing this. UT flies in and smashes into a wall}

{Cut to a small cargo room in the depths of the ship. A small, green and brown fuzzy creature crawls in through a small hatch. He lands face-first in a pile of "Dehydrated Grain Puffs". He gets up and starts snacking on them.}

{Cut back. The bang previously made can be heard.}

CHAOS: What was that?

{Chaos gets smacked in the gut by SETH and flies across the room.}

CHAOS: Ow. Now you're going to get it! Sephiroth! Go beat him up for me! {passes out from pain}

{The buzzing sound gets louder, and from the end of the hallway comes Sephiroth, riding an old 1970's Motorcycle.}

SEPHIROTH: Don't ask how I got this. {Speeds up, and runs over SETH-1-RO7H, but SETH-1-RO7H clings to the front and hangs on.} Oh, now you're gonna get it!! {Music starts playing.}

SEPHIROTH: {Singing} Whatever happened to Saturday night?
When you dressed up sharp and you felt alright?
It don't seem the same since cosmic light
Came into my life, I thought I was divine...

I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go
And listen to the music on the radio!
A saxophone was blowin' on a rock & roll show.
You climbed in the back seat, you really had a good time.

Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n' roll!

My head used to swim from the perfume I smelled
My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt
I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt
She'd whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine!!!

Get back in front, put some hair oil on
Buddy Holly was singing his very last song.
With your arms around your girl you'd try to sing along.
It felt pretty good, oh, you really had a good time!

Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n' roll!

{Sephiroth Puts on a helmet, and then rides right through the wall, onto the wing. He jumps off, just as the motorcycle, and SETH-1-RO7H still clinging on it start floating outside.}

SEPH-1-RO7H: Oh crap... I wasn't designed for pressurized conditions like this! {Explodes, along with the motorcycle, scattering across space.}

SEPHIROTH: Well, that sorted him.

{The small alien from before peers into the room through a window.}

????: {giddy} Eee-hee-hee-heeeeee! He sang and danced!

SEPHIROTH: What?! Did I just hear something?

{The alien looks into the room. The rest of the people in the room turn their heads.}

????: Ohhhhhhhhhh... I done a bad.

CHAOS: WE MUST HARVEST THAT SMALL ADORABLE CREATURE AND USE IT AS THE BASE OF OUR UNHOLY SATANIC SOUP!

{The furry creature retreats through a nearby vent.}

CHAOS: I WILL FIND YOU!

{The creature crawls back into the room.}

????: No, please! Spare me, sir! I can do things for you! I can do them good!

{Chaos launches some electric death at the little animal. While the animal screams for dear life, the electric death goes down his throat. The creature burps and a cloud of smoke comes out of his mouth.}

????: Ohhhh, no! I am not welcome! NOT WELCOME!

{The creature jumps through a window and scurries off. UT walks in. His ice arm has cracked off, and he is dragging Ryan-X on the ground}

UNHOLY TRACY: I heard something about Satanic Soup. {holds up Ryan-X} Can we use this? {grins evilly}

RYAN-X: Put. Me. Down.

UNHOLY TRACY: Hmm... Okay. {grabs onto Ryan-X's tail, starts swinging him around in the air, and then flings him into the ground} Ryan-X, from this day forward, I will make your life a living hell.

{CRACK}

{A mop hits Unholy Tracy over the head, and he passes out. Homestar tiger was apparently the one who swang it.}

HOMESTAR TIGER: Serves you right. You're dragging crud all over the floor!

{The episode ends, and the credits roll.}