(even if you aren't vegan)
Mystery Fanstuff Theater 3000/Samtheman.egg/long john sam
Summary
Sam The Man becomes a pirate and assembles his own crew and battles Captain Scumbeard.
BLUEBRY: and
SKUB: and contracts syphilis and starves to death on the open seas after he runs out of hardtack and goddamn I am already depressed.
Cast (In order of Appearance): Sam The Man, Blue Cheat, Serious Bad, Kendall, Strong Bad, Homestar Runner, Captain Scumbeard, Dark, Joe the Foe
SKUB: YES, I finally know which Samtheman.egg email Joe the FOE is in
Places: Sam The Man's Room, Wayward Hill,
CHWOKA: I could see the city lights. My heart's going BOOM BOOM BOOM.
Computer: Runner 750
Transcript
{Cut to Sam The Man sitting at his computer}
CHWOKA: From where?
SAM THE MAN: Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of emails! And away we go!
SKUB: "I only drink pina coladas like all my pirate friends"
lootCHWOKA: Get it? DIVVY up the loot!
{Everybody groans}Arrggg!
ImaCHWOKA: Bell? oh god oh god oh god
{Chwoka curls up into a little ball and cries}pirate! And I'll steel your loot
unless you join my crew for a day!
CHWOKA: Why would you want to be around Sam?from
Scum-beard The Pirate
{Reads "Arrggg" as "Yeah Whatever"}
BLUEBRY: like totally
SKUB: gag me
SAM THE MAN: What? Captain Scumbeard is back? I thought he went to jail for stealing loot from people? Oh well, time to assemble my own crew.
SKUB: A wanted criminal is on the loose?! Uggggggh here I go again
I will never join his crew. With the way he doesn't give you Health Care, who would anyway?
BLUEBRY: at least it's not obamacare
SKUB: Obungle is at it again!!
{Cut to Wayward Hill. Sam The Man wearing a Captain's Hat and Blue Cheat,
CHWOKA: Don't wear Blue Cheat!
Serious Bad, Kendall,
CHWOKA: Ken Doll?
Strong Bad, and Homestar Runner are standing
SKUB: in a pond about a mile away
}
STRONG BAD: So why are we here?
BLUEBRY: i dunno either
CHWOKA: Entertain us.
SAM THE MAN: We are here so that we can take down Captain Scumbeard and steal his loot this time.
SKUB: Yeah, but you're still going to jail so that puts a dent in your plan.
SERIOUS BAD: But why?
SAM THE MAN: I just told you. Weren't you paying attention?
BLUEBRY: sadly
{Serious Bad is reading a magazine}
BLUEBRY: {It is very serious and about stock markets and stuff.}
CHWOKA: {It is actually a porno.}
SERIOUS BAD: You were saying?
BLUE CHEAT: Serious Bad pay attention.
CHWOKA: Chwoka fall asleep.
SKUB: Skub vomit.
So anyways, where will we strike.
BLUEBRY: Normandy. Northwest coast of France.
SKUB: That or their boat
SAM THE MAN: Good question. Kendall, where we will we strike?
{Kendall holds out a map}
CHWOKA: You don't want to know where it came from.
KENDALL: Scumbeard drives through Main St. each day.
BLUEBRY: pirates drive?
We'll hit him there tomorrow.
SKUB: Blood will spill
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Where's Main St?
SAM THE MAN: It doesn't matter where it is, just get in the car. I'm driving the-
{Cut to a regular car}
SAM THE MAN: -Pirate Ship 2008
BLUEBRY: more like '02 pontiac aztek
STRONG BAD: What a piece of junk.
BLUEBRY: OH MY GOD CALLED IT it's an aztek
SAM THE MAN: {sarcastic} Thank you. That was my brother's. He died tragically.
CHWOKA: He died in a car crash IN THIS VERY CAR.
How do you feel now?
SKUB: "He put a penny in the outlet very tragically."
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Show the man some respect Stro Bro.
BLUEBRY: {pours some out}
BLUE CHEAT: JUST GET IN NOW AND DRIVE AROUND UNTIL TOMORROW! I'LL BUY FOOD!
CHWOKA: THIS IS URGENT! WE NEED TO DICK AROUND FOR MANY HOURS IMMEDIATELY!
SAM THE MAN: Fine Blue Cheat.
CHWOKA: I disagree.
Can we go to Arbie's?
SKUB: "I'm thinkin' abattoir runoff."
BLUE CHEAT: Not with there over-priced sandwiches. {faces the screen} Huh? Huh? Naw there not listening.
CHWOKA: ...what?
{Cut to Captain Scumbeard with his crew consisting of Dark and Joe the Foe
CHWOKA: So, Captain Scumbeard, Dark, and Joe the Foe then?
in his car driving}
BLUEBRY: hittin the corners in those low lows girl
CAPTAIN SCUMBEARD: Dear me. It's almost 3:00. I better get this shipment of sugar, candy and jewels to the docks before 3.
SKUB: "Mustn't keep the children's hospital waiting!"
{Sam The Man's crew lazily enters in their car behind Captain Scumbeard's car}
CHWOKA: That car's got a lazy strut.
JOE THE FOE: That car behind us is coming close awfully fast. But at least it's flying the US Flag.
BLUEBRY: please tell me this is a patriotic plug
{Cut to the flag change
CHWOKA: cut the flag change CUT THE FLAG CHANGE
from a US flag to a Pirate flag. Cut back to Captain Scumbeard}
CAPTAIN SCUMBEARD: Oh No! It's Sam The Man and his crew. No doubt he's after my sugar, candy and jewels. Well Ryan Ryu won't make a fool out of himself this time!
BLUEBRY: you people are weird
{Sam The Man's car drives next to Captain Scumbeard's and they engage in a sword fight}
CHWOKA: Both of them swerve off the road. None survived.
SAM THE MAN: You have no chance Scumbeard.
SKUB: "To hell with the children. To hell I say!"
CAPTAIN SCUMBEARD: You have no chance like the Patriots did when the Giants beat them in the Super Bowl.
SAM THE MAN: What?
CAPTAIN SCUMBEARD: Oh, got a little ahead of myself didn't I? Now, prepare to die!
SAM THE MAN: Not if I have anything to do with it! LOWER THE CANON!
{Kendall and Serious Bad lower what appears to be a canon.
BLUEBRY: but it's really not
SKUB: They retconned it, of course—it was originally a catapult but SOMEBODY wasn't happy
Dark and Joe the Foe do the same thing to their car}
SAM THE MAN: FIRE THE CANON!
CHWOKA: There goes Poe!
KENDALL: What? I didn't understand you.
BLUEBRY: you sound just like my parents (;_///)
SAM THE MAN: I said "Fire the canon" but I said it pirate like. You know, this is pirate like.
SKUB: I just- I just realized this is Family Guy. This is literally the script from an episode of Family Guy.
BLUEBRY: i don't watch family guy so i wouldn't know but it explains the horrible pain i'm getting
SERIOUS BAD: Whatever. Fire away!
{Blue Cheat lights the canon while Dark lights
CHWOKA: Dark lights. There's a riff here, somewhere.
their canon}
DARK: Arrggghhh! You're going down matey!
{Both canons fire and both take damage. Scumbeard's canon fires again and Sam The Man's car spins out and looses
CHWOKA: loses
it's
CHWOKA: its
roof.
SKUB: Holy crap, Lois!
BLUEBRY: remember the time something something john cusack something something ferris bueller?
CHWOKA: "Hey, I've always wanted a convertible!"
Sam The Man's canon fires again and Scumbeard's car spins out of control and too loses it's roof}
SAM THE MAN: I'm going over. Blue Cheat drive.
CHWOKA: Chwoka talk.
NACHOMAN: NachoMan breathe.
{Blue Cheat takes control of the wheel and Sam The Man jumps over to Scumbeard's car. He pushes Joe the Foe and Dark out. Both do 6 flips then land}
BLUEBRY: they were olympic gymnasts
SKUB: A PERFECT 10, UKRAINE DOES IT AGAIN
JOE THE FOE: Ohhhhh, I feel weak.
DARK: Then take one of THEESE!
SKUB: The theese stands alone
{Dark hands Joe the Foe a container of "Dark Pills: The crazy solution for your problems".
SKUB: Like Xanax but SO MUCH MORE BADASS
Cut back to Sam The Man and Scumbeard engaging in a sword fight}
CAPTAIN SCUMBEARD: Just give up now. If you do we'll split the loot.
KENDALL: Sir Man,
CHWOKA: Sir Dude.
we've got trouble.
SKUB: I don't think pirates were "sirs" by any stretch
{Sam The Man's car accidentally runs into a telephone pole, and a worker falls of}
WORKER: If I had finished collage I wouldn't be in these messes.
SKUB: Get your art projects DONE, it's all that matters on your transcript
{Cut back to Sam The Man's car. The telephone
CHWOKA: What phone?
attaches itself to the car. Now the car passes a banner, and the banner sticks the telephone poll.
CHWOKA: "Hello sir would you be interested in taking a survey.
The car resembles a pirate ship now}
SAM THE MAN: Hey what do you know,
SKUB: Holy crap Lois, this is just like that time when
now I can do THIS!
{Sam The Man motions for Serious Bad to jump over to. Serious Bad jumps over to Scumbeard's car. Sam and Scumbeard then engage into a long conversation (which we can't hear).
BLUEBRY: how is this allowed
Cut to a closeup of Sam and Scumbeard talking and Serious Bad finishes up gathering the loot}
SAM THE MAN: So I never really know that penguins didn't have knees?
CAPTAIN SCUMBEARD: Yeah I know. I didn't find this out until like yesterday when I looked it up.
SKUB: One time I was reading Wikipedia and I'm pretty sure I looked up penguins and then I entered a world of corn I had never seen before.
SAM THE MAN: Well, all you need to do is look at my new book,
SKUB: Going Rogue,
which is coming out in a future {faces the crowd} email. {faces Scumbeard}.
CHWOKA: There are no future emails. SPOILER ALERT.
{Serious Bad jumps back to Sam The Man's car with the loot}
SERIOUS BAD: All clear Man.
{Sam The Man jumps back to his car}
SAM THE MAN: By the way Scumbeard, I disabled your brakes when i said I dropped my M&Ms. And you are going off a ledge. Bye now.
SKUB: See you next fall! /me beep beep
{Scumbeard looks back at the road and screams. He drives off the ledge and into a river}
BLUE CHEAT: Well down
CHWOKA: WELL UP
Sam and the Gang!
SKUB: An excellent display of manslaughter, to be sure.
KENDALL: Sam and the Gang? No no no! Kendall's Gang including Serious Bad is better!
BLUEBRY: how about something like "the sugarhill gang" or "kool and the gang"
CHWOKA: You can be "The Crips!"
SERIOUS BAD: I cast my vote for the 'Lil Crime Finding and Bustin' Gang!
SKUB: Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of the Cut Brakes
{Everyone looks angry}
SAM THE MAN: Go wait in the car.
SKUB: Adults are talking.
{Serious Bad grudgingly
CHWOKA: "They will RUE THE DAY."
walks over to the car. The paper comes down}
Fun Facts
- This episode is similar to the one episode of Family Guy's Long John Peter.
SKUB: {coughs} st-STOLEN {coughs}
