(even if you aren't vegan)
Mystery Fanstuff Theater 3000/I Want To Play A Game
Opening Comments
CHWOKA: Guys, I have news about our next bit of riff fodder.
SKUB: What is it you monster
CHWOKA: For the first time ever, MFT3K is riffing a TEXT ADVENTURe!
SKUB: Come on, that doesn't even fit!
CHWOKA: Just because I'm gay that doesn't mean I can't be a part of your secret club.
BLUEBRY: yeah you fuckin cisbigot heterobitch
SKUB: GOD, I APOLOGIZE
CHWOKA: THERE'S NO GOING BACK
CHWOKA: Anyhow yeah, a text adventure!
SKUB: So are you, uh... sure this is gonna work? What with the odd page formats and all?
CHWOKA: Skub. Everybody used full pagename links in 2008. It was the thing to do. You can't judge. You weren't there.
{Cut to a grainy, sepia flashback of Vietnam. Chwoka is wading through a rice paddy as helicopters crash in the background.}
CHWOKA: {voice over} Nobody was there. Nobody was there for me. I was alone—the rest of the unit was either dead... or missing. It was just me against the VC, and I was outnumbered. In a big way.
{A VC is walking on a small strip of land near the paddy. Chwoka rises from the water and chokes the VC with his belt.}
CHWOKA: {voice over} None of you know what it was like! I killed men! I killed fathers! I killed sons! I—
{Cut back to the theater.}
BLUEBRY: haha, nobody— nobody gives a shit. chwoka. nobody.
CHWOKA: {whining} But I have scars!
SKUB: CHWOKA SHUT THE FUCK, UP,
BLUEBRY: hey where is nachoman the funny guy
{Nachoman walks in and he is covered with semen.}
NACHOMAN: guys guess what was on sale at the gap
CHWOKA: Come, Nachoman. Let me regale you with old war stories.
NACHOMAN: okay!!!
{Nachoman sits down on a whoopee cushion}
WHOOPEE CUSHION: FFF FFARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTT
NACHOMAN: Oh ha ha ha you sure got me!
SKUB: nachoman are you going to TAKE that disrespect or are you going to FRITGH like a MAN
BLUEBRY: kick his ass KICK HIS ASS
{NachoMan begins punching the shit out of the whoopee cushion, each strike causing it to fart even more.}
BLUEBRY: oh now he's just mocking you
NACHOMAN: YOU LITTLE WHORE
{NachoMan takes out a pocket knife and cuts the whoopee cushion, very slowly and precisely.}
SKUB: Oh you showed him!
{NachoMan gives the whoopee cushion a Columbian necktie, somehow.}
NACHOMAN: Okay, I feel better. Much better.
CHWOKA: So, uh... violence aside, how about we start riffing?
BLUEBRY: oh, let's
I Want To Play A Game
Hello and welcome to:
I WANNA PLAY A GAME!!
CHWOKA: But the title is "want to?"
This is a very easy game, just find out how to beat the level and progress.
NACHOMAN: guys help!!! i was playing this game and i clicked a link and suddenly i ended up back here!!! what did I do wrong?!!?
Most of the levels require insane logic, common sense, or just dumb luck to get.
CHWOKA: Don't spoil the surprise!
SKUB: So... that's the exact opposite of easy?
BLUEBRY: no skub its real easy, just use your luck
SKUB: I forgot what I was... going to reference. Somebody help me out!
BLUEBRY: CHOKE, CHOKE, CHOKE,
CHWOKA: CHOKE, CHOKE, CHOKE,
NACHOMAN: CHOKE, CHOKE, CHOKE,
{Skub throws up all over his fat self like a fat throws-up baby.}
Closing Comments
SKUB: Overall? Dumb.
CHWOKA: That's... not harsh.
SKUB: Well it wasn't horrible! Just stupid. Easy and stupid.
CHWOKA: I still can't get over how he used the same puzzle twice. Did he really think we'd fall for that?
SKUB: Wait... who's he? Jigsaw? Death Trap? What?
CHWOKA: The author is some guy named Kricitt. Hey, wait, where are Bluebry and Nachoman?
SKUB: oh my god did we leave them behind
CHWOKA: They must've gotten lost!
SKUB: It's dangerous in there! They're probably dead without our help! This is why I said we shouldn't do this! Text Adventures are a can of worms!
{Nachoman and Bluebry enter and they are both covered in semen.}
NACHOMAN: hey guys i was just talking to bluebry
BLUEBRY: guess what we found on sale
NACHOMAN: go on, guess
SKUB: I can't!!!!!
BLUEBRY: long story short, there were a lot of men we could please at very low prices
NACHOMAN: :)
CHWOKA: Oh, you two!
{The cast shares a hearty laugh. NachoMan and Bluebry go in for a group hug but Skub and Chwoka start backing up as fast as they can.}
SKUB: So what's next?
CHWOKA: Homoon emails!
SKUB: What?
SKUB: Also way to be a huge dork Chwoka you piece of shit dork. You garbage, you slime,
NACHOMAN: hey wait a minute im not gay i like vaginas and tits
NACHOMAN: and asses
NACHOMAN: the female kind
SKUB: Yes, okay, we get it
NACHOMAN: I DON'T THINK YOU DO
