LAWYERS!!!/1id2

CHWOKA: {chanting} DEFENSE! DEFENSE! DEFENSE!

{TheDenzel enters, to applause from nowhere, from a smoky haze, wearing a cape.}

THEDENZEL: I am here now, ready to defend!

CHWOKA: WHAT DO WE WANT?!

THEDENZEL: Evidence!

CHWOKA: WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!

THEDENZEL: As soon as possible!

{Chwoka slaps TheDenzel.}

CHWOKA: {angrier} WHEN?!

THEDENZEL: ...now.

CHWOKA: {happy} That's the spirit!

{Chwoka slaps TheDenzel.}

THEDENZEL: Ow. What was that one for?

CHWOKA: {happy} Shut your stupid face!

{Cut: Lionhair Ltd. TheDenzel's cheek is red.}

CHWOKA: Alright, Denzel, you're the boss; where to?

THEDENZEL: I say we head over to the film reel storage area, to see where these films were taken from.

{Cut: The film room. Various gaps fill the racks. A half-eaten wheel of cheese lay on the floor.}

CHWOKA: Yup, the film was stolen, alright.

THEDENZEL: {inspecting the gaps} Hmm. Curious. What movie was it that is said to have been stolen?

CHWOKA: The Lions are Wild, Maybe Tuesday, Attack of the Thousand-Foot Potato Chip, The Dead, and The Comma: A History.

THEDENZEL: Those all sound like blockbusters! {notices the cheese} What kind of cheese is that?

CHWOKA: Cheddar: The cheese of THEFT!

THEDENZEL: Hmm. So obviously, the alleged thief is a fan of cheddar cheese. Tell me, how secure is this room?

CHWOKA: The entire building has no locks.

THEDENZEL: Well what kind of person is surprised by a theft from a building with no locks? Has anyone done a sweep for fingerprints yet?

CHWOKA: No, that's our job.

THEDENZEL: Well let's do that then.

{does so}

THEDENZEL: Did we get any?

CHWOKA: {dripping with sarcasm} No, nobody has ever touched anything in here before. EVER.

THEDENZEL: Did we get anything interesting from the empty gaps?

CHWOKA: Yes.

{pause.}

THEDENZEL: {angerly} And!?

CHWOKA: And what?

THEDENZEL: What's interesting about it?

CHWOKA: Well, it appears the thief used gardening gloves.

THEDENZEL: ..What kind of gardening gloves?

CHWOKA: Like that even matters.

THEDENZEL: Oh, it does. It does.

CHWOKA: Fine. Grody Old Gardening Gloves Probably Used For Skateboarding in The Seventies Brand Gardening Gloves.

THEDENZEL: Wow, hooray for modern forensics. Anything else you can tell me from the fingerprints?

CHWOKA: The thief had size 13 shoes.

THEDENZEL: What brand?

CHWOKA: Now that's just silly.

THEDENZEL: Well forgive me for thinking forensic science could achieve anything.

CHWOKA: I mean, honestly, how did you think fingerprints would tell us the brand of his shoes?

{Chwoka and TheDenzel walk out.}

CHWOKA: {off-screen} I mean, honestly.

{cut to the hallway that leads to the storage room}

THEDENZEL: Alright, if the thief were to steal anything from the vault, they'd probably have to go through either this hallway, or the ventilation system. Let's check for finger prints around here.

CHWOKA: What would that tell us? We would have rock-solid evidence if we could find:

• Suspects
  • ...with size 13 shoes
  • ...with a motive
• Evidence
  • ...that points to any of the above "suspects"

THEDENZEL: We need to know if a man with size 13 shoes went in through this door, or if a pair of grody gardening gloves went through the ventillation shafts.

CHWOKA: Door has no locks! Why would anybody use the vents? How would knowing where he came from aid our case?

THEDENZEL: Alright then, fine. Does this place have any security cameras?

CHWOKA: Yes, but all possibly useful footage has been damaged.

{Cut: Outside the building}

THEDENZEL: Okay, so what are we doing out here, again?

CHWOKA: That hallway smells like rotten bananas.

THEDENZEL: Well, I'd like to look more into this "cheddar" thing. Either the thief left it behind, or someone else left it in the room... or maybe it's just a clever joke.

CHWOKA: We already fingerprinted it, what else is there to do?

THEDENZEL: Maybe we could talk with the CEO. Get some more info on when he realized the tapes were stolen...

{Cut: Lionhair's CEO's office. TheDenzel and Chwoka are sitting in front of the desk.}

THEDENZEL: Well Hi!

CEO: Whaddya want?

THEDENZEL: I want to ask you some questions about the recent thefts going on, starting with why you don't have any locks on any of the doors...

CEO: It was part of a morale-boosting campaign that worked enormously, so we kept it.

THEDENZEL: How exactly is that morale-boosting?

CEO: That's not important right now.

THEDENZEL: Alright then, well when did you first realize the tapes were gone?

CEO: Yesterday, when I sent out a gopher to go get them and they weren't there.