Homestrong Emails/H2

{Open to Homestrong's base, empty. Samuel walks in. He looks left, then right. He quickly takes the comportable and types something into it}

SAMUEL: Lets see what I have in my inbox today...

Dear Samuel
You should go up and punch Homestrong.
Oh wait, this is Homestrong mails.

-Melon

SAMUEL: Heh... if it only it were that easy. I'd probably lose my job... though it WOULD be worth it... oh. Here he comes.

{Quickly presses a button}

DELETED

{Samuel quicky places the Comportable on the table as Homestrong enters}

HOMESTRONG: Samuel! Fetch me the Comportable!

SAMUEL: ...Its right the-

HOMESTRONG: I SAID FETCH IT'

SAMUEL: {Groans. Picks up Comportable and hands it to Homestrong}

HOMESTRONG: Now... ahem. {Starts singing} Email is... glee...mail!

SAMUEL: ...That was horrible.

HOMESTRONG: Shut up you! Now, time to read an email possibly admiring me and worshipping me for the genius I am!

Homestrong
Stop sucking so much and being a badly written, boring to read character

-SI

SAMUEL: {Sarcastic} Wow, I have never seen so much respect in my life!

HOMESTRONG: H-how DARE you defy me! You shall PAY. Comportable, trace the email back to its original destination!

COMPORTABLE: Alright, just give me a sec. ...huh. Looks like this guy is located in Wiki City.

HOMESTRONG: {Face closeup} Lets teach this asshole a lesson... he shall soon face my ultimate revenge! MWUHAHAHAHAHAHA! ...Ha!

{Cut: Wiki City, Strong Intelligent's house. Strong Intelligent is watching TV. The doorbell rings. He gets up and opens it.}

STRONG INTELLIGENT: Y- ...what the? {Looks down to see a paper bag on fire} Gah! Jesus christ! {Stomps on bag} There, problem so... wait... {Looks at shoes} JESUS CHRIST!

{Cut to Homestrong in a bush, watching from afar}

HOMESTRONG: Mwuhahahaha!

{Cut back to Homestrong's base}

HOMESTRONG: {Walks onscreen.} Well, I showed him who not to mess with! Now-

SAMUEL: Actually, he raised some good points.

HOMESTRONG: W-what!?

SAMUEL: You can be pretty boring.

HOMESTRONG: Nonsense! I pull off an evil scheme on my brother once every week!

SAMUEL: And tell me, how many of those schemes have ended in victory?

HOMESTRONG: ...Well, um...

SAMUEL: In fact, have you actually ever laid a single finger on h- {Looks at Homestrong, who lacks arms} ...hurt him at all?

HOMESTRONG: Of course! Remember the time I made him trip?

SAMUEL: But didn't he catch himself?

HOMESTRONG: ...Oh. ...Alright, just maybe I need to spice up my ways a little... I have it! Comportable! Give me something to do that is new and exciting!

COMPORTABLE: Searching... alright, how about... skydiving?

HOMESTRONG: Hmmmm... doesn't sound like its been done in a thousand sitcoms. I'll do it!

{Cut: Skydiving class. A rather large man in his forties dressed as a drill seargent is teaching the class}

SEARGENT: ALRIGHT MAGGOTS. TODAY, I'LL BE TEACHING YOU THE ART OF THE DIVING... FROM THE SKY!

SAMUEL: {Sitting next to Homestrong} {Sarcastic tone} I honestly expected to be diving from the ground.

SEARGENT: WELL, TOO BAD MAGGOT. NOW LETS BEGIN TRAINING. FIRST, YOU PUT ON A PARACHUTE. THEN YOU JUMP. THEN YOU ACTIVATE THE PARACHUTE. THEN YOU LAND. ANY QUESTIONS?

{Silence}

SEARGENT: GOOD! NOW TO BEGIN TRAINING! YOU! {Points to Homestrong} GIVE ME 50

HOMESTRONG: What the hell does that have to do wi-

SEARGENT: NOW MAGGOT

HOMESTRONG: {Drops to the ground and attempts to do push-ups.} Almost... there... {Completes push-up} Whew! How many was that?

SEARGENT: ...One.

HOMESTRONG: Aw, crap...

{Much later...}

SEARGENT: ALRIGHT! TIME FOR THE NEXT STEP! {Points to Homestrong} YOU! {Tosses a CPR dummy on the ground} USE CPR ON THIS DUMMY

HOMESTRONG: Wha-

SEARGENT: DO YOU WANT TO DO MORE PUSH-UPS

HOMESTRONG: {Groans. Jumps on dummy}

SAMUEL: {Smirks} Make sure to show her a good time, boss!

HOMESTRONG: {Glares at Samuel}

SEARGENT: {Snickers} Oh, uh... WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR MAGGOT. START GIVING THAT DUMMY LIFE. ...ER I MEAN CPR.

HOMESTRONG: {Groans} {Starts giving dummy CPR} There. Its breathing. Now-

SEARGENT: 100 MORE TIMES MAGGOT

HOMESTRONG: WHAT!?

SEARGENT: YOU HEARD ME! NOW GET TO IT!

{Samuel slowly pulls out a camera}

{Later...}

SEARGENT: NOW! YOU! {Points to Homestrong. Pulls out a ring of fire} JUMP!

HOMESTRONG:' Oh, COME O-

SEARGENT: NOW MAGGOT

HOMESTRONG: Alright, alright... here it goes... {Runs towards ring, leaping through it without any sign of damage} ...HA! {Lights on fire} OH GOD!

{Samuel slowly pulls out his camera again}

{A montage begins. The following happens: Homestrong juggles bricks, only to be crushed by all of them. Homestrong is being covered in catnip and forced into a cage of cats, where he is getting licked. He tries to hold back vomiting. Next, Homestrong is rubbing the seargent's feet. Next, Homestrong is reciting poetry... while getting chased through an obstacle course by a hyena. Finally, Homestrong is rubbing the Seargent's feet again}

SEARGENT: ALRIGHT MAGGOT! IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO SKYDIVE! ...After you trim my toenails! {Hands Homestrong some nail cutters}

HOMESTRONG: OH FOR THE LOVE OF-

{Cut to a helicopter, flying through the sky. Homestrong is dressed in the appropriate gear.}

SEARGENT: ALRIGHT MAGGOT. Now... JUMP JUMP JUMP

HOMESTRONG: ...Actually... no! This isn't worth having to be humilated, rub smelly feet, get mauled by a hyena, and other unspeakable acts! I'm putting my foot do-

{The Seargent pulls back his foot, and kicks Homestrong off of the plane}

HOMESTRONG: AAAAAAHHHH! THIS IS IT! THIS IS MY E- {Notices string} ...Whats this? {Slowly pulls string. Parachute pops out} ...Hey! ...This is kinda nice! ... {Looks left, then right} ... {Starts singing} I believe I can fly...

{Then out of nowhere, other skydivers pass by, pointing at Homestrong and laughing}

HOMESTRONG: {Quickly turns around} Why you- {Gets caught in parachute. Starts freefalling once again} OH DAAAAAAAAAAMN!

{Cut to the top of a rather large tree in a forest. Homestrong's faint screaming is heard. The screaming grows louder until Homestrong crashes into the tree, falling down it while crashing into branches. He eventually crashes into the ground}

HOMESTRONG: Oh god... well, at least it can't get any worse...

{A tree branch falls on Homestrong, causing him to start bleeding from the mouth and giving him a black eye}

HOMESTRONG: DAMN YOU CLICHES!

{A bear comes onscreen}

HOMESTRONG: Oh god! GET! GET AWAY!

{The bear lets out a loud roar, then starts clawing Homestrong while he screams in pain. The bear exits, leaving homestrong scratched and bleeding even more}

HOMESTRONG: Please... no more...

{A lumberjack comes onscreen with a chainsaw.}

LUMBERJACK: {Starts singing} I'M A LUMBERJACK AND THATS OKAY I SLEEP ALL NIGHT AND I WORK ALL DAY! {Saws tree in front of Homestrong. Walks offscreen. Tree starts to fall}

HOMESTRONG: OH FU-

{A month of hospital time later...}

{Cut back to Homestrong's base. Samuel is talking to the Comportable}

SAMUEL: And then, he crashes into the ground!

{Samuel and the Comportable laugh}

HOMESTRONG: {Offscreen} I can hear you, ya know! {Walks onscreen} Anyway, that was horrible.

SAMUEL: Hey, I tried to talk you out of it...

HOMESTRONG: What!? No you didn't!

SAMUEL: Oh, right. I didn't. ...Good thing to, cause that was HILLARIOUS!

HOMESTRONG: Grrr... I WILL GET YOU FOR THIS STRONG INTELLIGENT!

{Cut back to Strong Intelligent's house. Strong Intelligent walks back onscreen}

STRONG INTELLIGENT: {Mumbling to himself} Stupid prankers... {Sits down on chair.}

{Loud farting noise}

STRONG INTELLIGENT: Gwah!? {Gets up. Picks up whoopie cushion.}

{Cut to Homestrong, watching through the window}

HOMESTRONG: MWUHAHAHAHAHA!

{The Paper of Eternal Suffering comes down. Email ends}