Gilligan 'n' Tracy/Ep11

{Open to: Tracy at Gilligan's house. Gilligan walks in.}

GILLIGAN: Okay, I'm back from the mailbox. Nothing, except... {Holds up a magazine entitled "Animag"} MY NEW ISSUE OF ANIMAG ARRIVED!

TRACY: Hoorah. Oh, and apparently we're filming a new episode of G&T. {points to the camera}

GILLIGAN: Dude, you're breaking the fourth wall! ...How long have those been here? In fact, I don't even think we knew we were being filmed until before the season finale!

TRACY: ...You didn't know? How did you not see all of these-Wait, wasn't the Earth turned into a small sun or something at the end of the season finale?

GILLIGAN: ...Holy hell, this starting to have as many plotholes as Bell Quest...

TRACY: And the writing is just as bad...

GILLIGAN: Are we going Chwoka on ourselves?

TRACY: You're saying that like it's not an improvement.

GILLIGAN: ...Anyway, lets see what this issue is about. {Flips through pages} Boring, boring, boring, boring, boring... well, this was a letdown. {Tosses magazine on floor. The magazine flips on its back, revealing a picture... of Haruhi}

TRACY: Hoorah, a picture of Haruhi.

GILLIGAN: YAY HARUHI {Picks up magaizine.} Lets see here... {After a few seconds of reading, Gilligan drops the Magazine. He then starts shaking and twitching his eye}

TRACY: ...I'm afraid to ask this, but, what did the page say?

GILLIGAN: HAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRUUUUUUHHHHIIIIIIIII CONVENTIOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!

{Cut: the SkullB house. SkullB is sitting on his couch. Suddenly, he starts to heave.}

SKULLB: WHY DO I SUDDENLY HATE

{Cut back.}

TRACY:{covering his ears, or rather, where his ears would be if he had any} OWW! GODDAMN!

GILLIGAN: {Grabs Tracy by the shoulders, starts shaking him} WE MUST GO

TRACY: WHAT?! WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

GILLIGAN: {Pulls Tracy's hands off of his ears} WE MUST GO TO HARUHI CONVENTION

TRACY: SERIOUSLY, SPEAK LOUDER!

GILLIGAN: WE GOTTA GO TO THE HARUHI CONVENTION

TRACY: WHY ARE YOU JUST MOUTHING WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY?!

GILLIGAN: ... {Walks offscreen. About 10 minutes later, he come back with a hearing aid. He jams it into Tracy's non-existant ears} Theres a Haruhi Convention and we gotta go!

TRACY: I STILL CAN'T HEAR YOU! OH GOD, I MUST BE DEAF!

GILLIGAN: FOR THE LOVE OF-

TRACY:{reaches under bell with hands} Oh wait, nevermind. {pulls out two rats} I had rats in my ears. Now, what did you want?

GILLIGAN: {Rips off the back and shoves it in Tracy's face} Look!

TRACY: ...A Haruhi convention. That's... unlikely.

GILLIGAN: Its in 4 days! We've gotta leave tommorow so we can make it on time! But first... we need to get some costumes ready!

TRACY: But we don't even have tickets! And... Where is it, exactly?

GILLIGAN: According to the page its in... Decentville.

{Quickly cut to Skullbuggy walking along a sidewalk. He looks at the convention center and sees the banner for Haruhi-Con. He then drops down to his knees and starts crying. Cut back}

TRACY: ...Soooo, how long will it take to get there?

GILLIGAN: About 3 days. Thats why we gotta leave tomorrow.

TRACY: ...Okay, but, still, we need to buy tickets first, don't we?

GILLIGAN: True, but how do we get tickets on such short notice?

{Skullbuggy busts in}

SKULLB: Hey, all!

TRACY: ... Why are you in my house?

SKULLB: I saw a bunch of sweaty nerds flocking to the convention center and I decided to be nice and let you join 'em!

{SkullB flashes some tickets.}

GILLIGAN: {Grabs tickets.} Thanks, plot device! {Kicks Skully out} Now lets get our costumes ready for tommorow! But for now... TIME SKIP PLEASE.

{Cut: The next day at about 6:00 AM. Gilligan and Tracy walk out of Gilligan's house. Tracy is dressed as Kyon and Gilligan is dressed as... errr... Yuki...}

TRACY: ...Well, at least it's not as bad as my Haruhi costume...

{cut to an image of Tracy dressed as Haruhi. He has VERY hairy legs. After a few seconds, cut back}

GILLIGAN: ...What is up with us dressing like women?

TRACY: What are you talking ab-Oh, right.

{cut to a flashback of Tracy and Gilligan dressed as Dorothy and Sophia, respectively, from the Golden Girls}

TRACY: Ma!

{cut back}

GILLIGAN: ...Lets just get in the car.

TRACY: Alright.

{They both get in}

GILLIGAN: Next stop, Decentville! {Starts the car and in a manner of seconds the car is out on the road}

{30 minutes later...}

TRACY: ...We're lost, aren't we?

GILLIGAN: Of course not! That chocolate milk factory was just a... shortcut.

TRACY: ...And the drive through the catholic school?

GILLIGAN: Um... exactly!

TRACY: ...But did you have to run down every schoolchild?

GILLIGAN: They were a-cramipn' my style...

TRACY: ...By style you mean your cross-dressing style?

GILLIGAN: Last time a kid makes fun of my japanese schoolgirl uniform!

TRACY: Actually, it's a sailor suit.

GILLIGAN: Same thing.

TRACY: ...I love Japan.

GILLIGAN: ME TOO

TRACY: ...Hey, we should go to Japan sometime!

{cut to Skullbuggy and the Cohens sitting on a couch. Skullbuggy suddenly starts crying}

JERRY: What's wrong?

SKULLB: I-I don't know!

{cut back}

GILLIGAN: Okay, now look at the map we have apparently.

TRACY: ...This is a map of Texas.

GILLIGAN: What? No it isn- {Looks down at map} FFFFFFFFFFFFFF

TRACY: WATCH THE ROAD!

GILLIGAN: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF- what? {Looks up. Crashes into a corn field} HOLY CRAP! {Steers in different directions. Gets out of corn field... and onto a farm nearly running into farm animals. The car then crashes into a barn}

TRACY: ...Hey, remember when I said you can't hit the broadside of a barn? I was wrong. {points to a (seemingly dead) woman laying on the hood of the car}

GILLIGAN: ...Aw, SHIT MAN! What are we gonna do!? WHAT THE {bleep} ARE WE GONNA DO!?!?

TRACY: Relax! She's probably just a prostitute. I mean, look at her clothes! Besides, we kill people all the time.

GILLIGAN: ...You mean YOU kill people and I sometimes help... a lot. Always. Every single ti- ...oh god, you're right. ...What do we do now?

TRACY: Well, let's just get her off our car.

GILLIGAN: Where do we put the body?

TRACY: Hmm... I don't know.

GILLIGAN: I have it! ...Quick, eat it!

TRACY: ...Dude, prostitutes taste TERRIBLE.

GILLIGAN: I don't care how TERRIBLE they taste, I'm not keeping this as a damn accessory!

TRACY: ...Look, nevermind, I have a better idea now. {pulls out a shovel} ...Don't ask where I was keeping that. {jumps out of the car, digs a hole in the ground, buries the prostitute, jumps back in the car} Done.

GILLIGAN: ...Where were y-

TRACY: I SAID, "DON'T ASK". {sits down} Ow.

GILLIGAN: Why would sitting down hu- ... oh my god seriously

TRACY: No, I'm kidding. I really was keeping it in here. {turns his back to Gilligan, revealing a large hole with blood pouring out of it}

GILLIGAN: ...Sadly, that makes sense...

{BACK ON THE ROAD...}

TRACY: ...So, you're SURE that the second Haruhi season didn't come out a few hundred years ago?

GILLIGAN: Of course! Now how about some TV? {Turns on a small TV screen at the front of the car.}

TV: NOW FOR AN EPISODE FROM HARUHI SEASON 17 WHICH CAME OUT 2 MONTHS AGO

TRACY: ...Told you.

GILLIGAN: OH SHUT UP YOU

TRACY: Ha ha h-WATCH THE ROAD

GILLIGAN: OH DAMN

{Cut: Gilligan and Tracy burying another hooker}

TRACY: Well, we fixed that, but we still don't have a car.

{the camera pans out to show that their car has crashed into a wall}

GILLIGAN: I think I saw an auto repair shop up ahead... how are we gonna push this?

TRACY: It shouldn't be that hard-

{the car bursts into flames and explodes}

TRACY: ...I knew we shouldn't been driving a Pinto.

GILLIGAN: {Sniff} I'm gonna miss that thing... sure, it didn't have {Mocking voice} ENDURANCE, but I loved that car...

TRACY: ...I'm just surprised that it didn't explode earlier. Well, let's go find another car.

GILLIGAN: And how exactly are we going to do th-

{A generic rich man in a hovercraft comes to a stop near the two. He gets out and walks past them}

RICH MAN: I MUST NEGOTIATE WITH THAT AUTO REPAIR SHOP TO CLEAN MY FANCY HOVERCRAFT BECAUSE I AM SO AWFULLY RICH.

TRACY: ...Gilligan, are you pondering what I'm pondering?

GILLIGAN: Yeah! But how are we going to bring Haruhi to life and where can we get that much rope?

TRACY: I've got the rope, but I haven't figured that first part out yet. Oh, and, let's steal that hovercraft.

GILLIGAN: Okay!

{Cut to the two riding along the road in the hovercraft}

GILLIGAN: {Laughing, stops} Did Crispin Freeman really say that?

TRACY: ...What?

GILLIGAN: ...Weren't we just discussing how Kyon's voice actor said that quiet girls are-

TRACY: No, but you're right.

GILLIGAN: ...Say, its getting pretty dark out. Maybe we should stop driving for today...

TRACY: Okay, pull over to the side of the road.

{cut to Gilligan and Tracy burying another prostitute}

GILLIGAN: Well, this is turning out great so far...

TRACY: Well, at least our-Wait, no, if I say that something'll happen.

GILLIGAN: Well, lets just sleep for the night. We probably won't be able to find a hotel, so lets just sleep in the hovercraft.

{Cut to the two in the hovercraft, the seats all the way back. They seem to be watching Lucky Star on a screen on the front of it}

KONATA: {On TV screen} ...Which sides the front?

GILLIGAN: Only we would watch ten minutes of japanese school girls talking about food.

TRACY: Well, along with all the other fans of Lucky Star...

GILLIGAN: ...Yeah, that too. ...Well, lets try and get some sleep. {Pulls a blanket over the both of them} ...Y'know... I think I'm starting to see why people think we're gay.

TRACY: ... {moves a few inches away from Gilligan}

GILLIGAN: ...Yeah, thats a good idea. Well, night.

{THE NEXT DAY...}

{Open to Gilligan's point of view. His eyes slowly open to see everything moving}

GILLIGAN: Hey, I'm driving...

TRACY: No, I am!

{the camera zooms out to show that the hovercraft is covered in blood}

GILLIGAN: What the...? {Sits straight up} ...Do I even wanna know why our car is covered in blood? ...Do you even know how to drive!?

{Cut to Gilligan and Tracy, once again... burying another prostitute}

GILLIGAN: I'll take that as a no...

TRACY: Well, let's get the others.

{the camera zooms out to show a brothel with a hole in the wall behind the hover car. Many, many prostitutes are laying on the ground, dead, in front of it}

{Cut to back on the road. This time, Gilligan is driving}

GILLIGAN: Okay, so then in the second episode, they did a bunch of stuff for summer. Then in the third episode, they did a bunch of stuff for summer. Then in the fourth episode, they did a bunch of stuff for summer. Then in episode fi-

TRACY: QUIT COMPLAINING! {throws Gilligan out of the hovercraft} Hahaha! ...Wait.

GILLIGAN: DEAR GOD I WAS JUST GIVING YOU MY DAILY HARUHI RECAP {Falls off the highway path, crashing into sharp rocks} DEAR GOD HELP

{cut to Tracy burying yet another prostitute}

TRACY: There. OH WAIT, GILLIGAN.

{cut back to Gilligan}

TRACY:{offscreen} I'm comin', buddy!

{After a few seconds, Tracy lands on Gilligan}

GILLIGAN: MY FLESH IS COVERED IN WOUNDS

TRACY: MY WOUNDS ARE COVERED IN FLESH

GILLIGAN: PLEASE GET THE HELL OFF PLEASE

TRACY:{gets the hell off Gilligan} Man, you alright?

GILLIGAN: ...Yeah, I'm ALWAYS fine after GETTING SCRATCHED BY GIANT ROCKS, FALLING DOWN A CLIFF, AND GETTING CRUSHED BY A GUY WHO SHOULD STOP EATING SO MUCH FRITOS.

TRACY: ...So, is that a yes?

GILLIGAN: ...Just help me up.

TRACY:{helps Gilligan up off of the rocks}

GILLIGAN: Well, at least we still have-

{The hovercraft crashes into the ground, setting it aflame and killing a prostitute}

GILLIGAN: ...Our car.

TRACY: ...Alright, let's find another car.

{cut to a while later. Gilligan and Tracy are now driving a van}

TRACY:{laughs} Did Aya Hirano really wear that shirt in a concert?

GILLIGAN: ...What?

TRACY: ...Weren't we just discussing how Aya Hirano owns a shirt that said "Did you-

GILLIGAN: Oh, yeah! ...Yep, she did! ...I have know idea what we're talking about...

TRACY: ...What?

GILLIGAN: Sorry, SOMEBODY made a typo. What were we talking about? What did the shirt say? "Did you do a dance?" "Did you do what I saw you do last summer?" "Did you-"

{Cut to the two burying a prostitute}

GILLIGAN: How many more times are we gonna do this joke!?

TRACY: How about none?

{BACK ON THE ROAD...}

GILLIGAN: Wow, really? ...That's sorta hot.

TRACY: ..."Sorta"? What the hell do you mean, "sorta"?

GILLIGAN: {whispers} Do you WANT Skullbuggy do kill us in our sleep?

TRACY: Like he's actually gonna be able to kill us. I mean, your head's bigger than his entire body. You could just crush him. And I've got this. {knocks on his bell-head three times. The third time, the knock's twice as hard as the first two} OW! MY HAND!

{long pause}

TRACY: C'mon, say something. Are you still angry about me throwing you over a cliff?

GILLIGAN: ...I had to remove my shoe out of my ass. That tends to piss a guy off.

TRACY:{sighs} Pull over to the side of the road.

GILLIGAN: ...Er, okay. {Pulls over to side of the road} ...Well?

TRACY:{pulls out a bag of catnip and sticks his hand in it. When he pulls it out, it's covered in catnip. He then moves his hand in front of Gilligan}

GILLIGAN: ... {Ears and eyes start twitching} D-D-Don't dO ThiS TO Me, maN...

TRACY: Go on, I don't mind.

GILLIGAN: ...GRAH I CAN'T TAKE IT {Rips off Tracy's arm and starts eating it. A few minutes later, his eyes are half closed, he's smiling, and staring at the car roof} Dude... do you think... t-that, like, another Gilligan and Tracy exist and they're like... on a road trip? Ya ever wonder that man? ...I do...

TRACY:{has apparently grown back his arm} No, not really.

GILLIGAN: ...Don't you cherish these moments we have? ...Cause I do.

{After a short pause, Gilligan gives Tracy a hug}

TRACY: ... Uhh... C-can you let go of me?

GILLIGAN: ... {Passes out}

TRACY: ... {slaps Gilligan} Wake up, da-

{Suddenly a white flash covers the screen. The screen stays white for a while, before fading back to the current shot.}

GILLIGAN: ...Holy shit, we're back!?

TRACY: ...Maybe?

KEITH:{appears} No. No no no. NO NO NO. NONONONONONONONONO. THIS IS NOT HAPPENING. THIS NEVER WILL BE HAPPENING. THIS NEVER HAS BEEN WILL HAPPENING. IF THIS HAPPENS, I AM GOING TO SLAGGING ERASE YOU FROM TIME.

GILLIGAN: ...Aw, crap. I forgot. He wants to kill us.

KEITH: YES I DO

GILLIGAN: ...Thats it! No more running away into absurd plot devices! We're taking you on here and-

{Suddenly, cut to a dark, rainy back alley. A dark figure appears in the alley. Keith walks in}

CONNOR: ...Is the job done?

KEITH:{pulls out a trash bag and empties it. Severed cat ears and bronze shrapnel, both of which are covered in blood, fall to the ground} Do these answer your question?

CONNOR: ... You IDIOT! I gave specific instructions to keep Gilligan alive!

KEITH: What are you talking about? Tracy put on a fursuit before I reduced him to chili. {shakes trash bag again, Gilligan falls out} Gilligan's fine.

CONNOR: Hmph... well done. Come. Follow me.

{Cut to a long white hallway, complete with white walls. Connor is holding Gilligan, walking down the hall. Keith is following behind}

CONNOR: So, did they put up a good fight?

KEITH: Absolutely not. After Tracy put on the fursuit, they charged at me. I punched Tracy in the face, sending him down, and Gilligan curled up into a ball, begging for my mercy. And then I reduced Tracy to a red stain on the ground.

CONNOR: Well, thats shameful. ...Say, Keith? Do you think what we're doing might be... well, wrong?

KEITH: ...Those guys don't really even exist. And even if they did, do you remember all of the prostitutes they ran down?

CONNOR: If you squish a bug, is it not murder?

KEITH: If you murder a mass-murderer, is it not for the greater good of humanity?

CONNOR: ...Hmph.

{The two approach a metal door, which slides open as they approach it. Behind the doors is a seemingly empty white room}

KEITH: Remind me again, and the audience- {stares at the camera in a paranoid manner} -where this is.

CONNOR: ...Jesus, I don't even know where I was going with this. ...Y'know, yeah. Fuck it. Just take him out back and kill him.

GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE