Everything You Know Is Wrong/Episodes/12

Summary

After spending a year and half in suspended animation, everyone awakens, only to find that things are different. Also, a beloved online cartoon character is killed off.

Transcript

{Open to the castle library of Hollow Bastion. Cid is sitting by himself and reading at the table, surrounded by piles of books. Looking incredibly focused in his work, Cid carries on reading until Yuffie comes up from behind him and pats him on the head. Not noticing her, he jumps, unexpectedly.}

CID: Whoa, what's goin' on?!

{Cid gets up from his chair and turns around to see Yuffie.}

YUFFIE: It's just me, silly! Gosh, you look like you just saw a ghost!

CID: It's hard not ta, when you're sneaked up from like that! You know my heart ain't what it used to be, Yuffie! You could've given me a heart attack!

YUFFIE: Yeah yeah, whatever. You're not that old, gramps!

CID: Yet you still feel the need to call me that. Hmph. What is it, anyway? Can't you see I'm busy?

YUFFIE: Don't worry, gramps! This is a hundred times more important!

CID: What could be more important than what I'm trying to do right now?

YUFFIE: Gee, I don't know... perhaps, the visitors?

CID: Them? Oh crap, why didn't you tell me sooner! This really is important! Crap, crap, crap! I need get going, right now!

{Cid shuts his book, and then proceeds to run out of the library. As he's going through the door, Leon comes in, and nearly gets knocked over by Cid. Yuffie laughs.}

LEON: What has him in a hurry?

YUFFIE: Oh, I told him that the visitors are coming today.

LEON: But that's not for another two hours, Yuffie.

YUFFIE: I know, I just wanted to see him in a panic.

LEON: Damn it, Yuffie. You know how easily he gets stressed. You don't need to help him.

YUFFIE: So, who are these visitors anyway, and why are they any more special than anyone else who's come here?

{As Leon opens his mouth to explain, Aerith walks in and begins to do so instead.}

AERITH: These are the ones we've been telling you about. The users from the "Wiki World".

YUFFIE: Ohh, them!

LEON: Yes, Aerith. I was going to tell her myself.

AERITH: Oh, my apologies, Leon.

LEON: Eh, it's fine. Anyway, what's going on with this all, anyway?

AERITH: Well, Tifa and Merlin are currently doing all the preparations for the welcoming ceremony. After all, this is a huge event!

YUFFIE: Wait, you guys are already preparing? Awww, I wanted to help!

LEON: Not after what happened last time.

YUFFIE: But it was an accident!! I was just having fun!!

LEON: Yeah, fun for you, maybe. Cloud didn't see the humor in it.

YUFFIE: Oh, but Cloud never sees the humor in anything!

{Cut to the Twilight Town exit. Lex, Chaos, and Noxigar are waving to a crowd of admirers as they prepare to board their Gummi Ship. Seifer quickly runs up to Lex and gives him a playful punch in the arm.}

SEIFER: Next time, you won't be so lucky! I totally let you win!

LEX: Hah, yeah right! What-everrr.

CHAOS: Come on, Lex. Are you going to spend time with your boyfriend, or are you gonna come with us?

LEX: I'm coming!

{Lex runs towards the Gummi Ship, and then pauses.}

LEX: AND HE IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND, GOD DAMN IT.

{Lex carries on running. Cut to the Gummi Ship interior. Noxigar is piloting, as they are flying through space.}

LEX: Oh man, I can't wait until we meet our buddies in Hollow Bastion!

NOXIGAR: Radiant Garden, don't you mean?

LEX: Eh?

CHAOS: Yeah, Lex. Didn't you get the memo? It's Radiant Garden now.

LEX: That's dumb. There's nothing radiant about that place. It's a total craphole.

CHAOS: You better not be saying that stuff while you're there. Leon and co. made an effort to make the place look nice for us, the least we can do is acknowledge their efforts!

LEX: Fiiine. Can I at least change the radio?

NOXIGAR: Yeah, sure. As long as it's not the Teenybopper Station. You know how much I hate that incorrigible pop sound.

CHAOS: He never lets me listen to the radio!

NOXIGAR: Because you always turn it to the awful station!

{Lex changes the radio to the classic rock station. The gummi ship flies off into the distance to the sound of 'Jefferson Airplane'. Zoom out to reveal that they've been watched, through a crystal ball. Maleficent is standing over the ball, accompanied by her two most trusted companions. Pete, and TREVOR FUCKING PHILIPS.}

MALEFICENT: Look at those fools, going to meet their precious friends! Oh, I do hope they enjoy it, because they'll be in for a massive surprise!

TREVOR: So, let me ask you a couple of questions here.

MALEFICIENT: Yes?

TREVOR: Who the fuck are these people, and why the fuck do we care about them? I mean, you called me all the way from Los Santos, promising me that we were gonna fuck some shit up, and we haven't fucked any shit up since I got here. What fucking gives?

PETE: Yikes, some mouth ya got on ya.

TREVOR: Ey, watch it, you fat fuck. I've got some itchy trigger fingers, and you really don't want to be in my sights when I'm scratchin' them.

MALEFICENT: Your time will come soon, Mr. Philips.

{Cut to the Radient Gardens. The gummi ship has landed, and like their time in Twilight Town, there is a crowd of admirers, just waiting to meet the fabled heroes. It's almost as if Sora, Donald, and Goofy never actually existed. Which they do. BUT THIS STORY AIN'T ABOUT THEM. The three come out of the Gummi Ship, and go on to greet their admirers. Phil Argus comes out of the crowd, with the Sneak on his shoulder, and gives a massive great hug to Noxigar.}

PHIL ARGUS: Noxigar, oh man, it's been too long!

NOXIGAR: It's only been six months, you imbecile. Get off of me.

{The Sneak makes... sneak noises, while Chaos does the cat equivalent of laughing. Leon and the others come out of the crowd, and go to personally meet them. Phil Argus is still hugging Noxigar, who is irritated by his presence, but not enough to actually get him off. Spaghetti flows from his pockets, and meatballs out of his sleeves. The two fall onto the ground, creating the mixture of Spaghetti and Meatballs.}

LEON: And here they are! The heroes of the Wiki World!

LEX: Damn right we're heroes! We're like, the hood from the Wiki! The Wiki Hood!

CHAOS: Wikihood? S-seriously, Lex?

LEX: What? What's wrong with that?

CHAOS: That is the dumbest sounding thing I ever heard in my life.

{The three look straight into the camera, and straight into your eyes. Yes, you. The viewer. Or reader, in this case. Fuck, I don't know. Yuffie goes over to shake Noxigar's hand, but ends up getting meatball sauce on herself. She wipes the meatball sauce on Leon's coat before going over to shake the hands of the other two.}

YUFFIE: Oh man, it sure is great to see you guys again!

CHAOS: The feeling is mutual, Yuffie!

LEX: Man, where would we all be without you guys? All of you joining together to help us in our time of need.

CID: Now now, Lex. You know how much we all care about y'all. We couldn't let your world run out of nerd supplies now, would we?

AERITH: After all, since our neckbeard warriors were such a failure, you were all so kind as to take them out of our hands.

CID: And believe me, we have plenty to go around!

CHAOS: Thanks again, guys. Our Neckbeard Legions are still so incredibly thankful. Especially our top commander, Sirrus.

CID: Indeed! We even decided to throw in somethin' extra for y'all. Kneepads.

LEX: Kneepads? Oh, excellent! Our Neckbeard Legions really will be feeling the euphoria this year!

LEON: Well now, what are we waiting for? We have all the supplies ready, right-...

{Leon gestures toward the crowd, who split into two crowds, revealing a giant crate, labelled "Neckbeard Supplies". Yuffie goes over to open the crate, but as it does, it's revealed to be completely empty.}

LEON: ...here?

{Everyone gasps, as the appropriate WTF music begins to play.}

YUFFIE: It's gone!

CHAOS: What?

LEON: I s-swear! It was here! What happened?

{A darkness portal opens behind them, as Maleficent steps out with her two assistants. Trevor is dressed up as a member of the Neckbeard Guard.}

MALEFICENT: Looking for something?

LEON: Maleficent!!

LEX: You b-bitch!

TREVOR: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

{Trevor walks up to Lex and places his arm on his shoulder.}

TREVOR: Don't you know? That is no way to speak to a woman. As well as a lovely lady such as Maleficent, here.

LEX: Get off me, you disgusting man.

{Trevor places his hand on the left side of Lex's chest, where his heart is.}

TREVOR: Oh damn. What's this I feel? Is this a heart? Why, I'm pretty sure it is!

{Trevor leans in closer and whispers into Lex's ear.}

TREVOR: I'm gonna enjoy ripping that heart right outta your chest. And then, when I'm finished... I'M GOING TO FUCKING EAT IT!!

{Trevor begins to cackle maniacally as Lex aggressively shoves him away.}

MALEFICENT: Trevor! Enough.

CHAOS: What the hell do you people want with the Neckbeard Armor?

MALEFICENT: Oh, we don't really want the Neckbeard Armor. We want you!

{Chaos snarls at her.}

CHAOS: What do you mean?

MALEFICENT: You all possess something that is very dear to us.

{Pause.}

MALEFICENT: YOUR HEARTS!!

{Gasp!}

MALEFICENT: Trevor! Pete! Seize them!

{A horde of heartless appears as Trevor and Pete go for the attack. The crowd of admirers flee in panic as the heroes and the Restoration Committee go to fight back. Trevor pulls out an AK-47 and begins to fire in their general process, hitting Phil Argus in the process. Phil Argus falls at the feet of Noxigar, and begins to cough blood.}

NOXIGAR: Phil, NO!

{Phil smiles, as he looks up at Noxigar.}

PHIL ARGUS: Noxigar... y-you.. really do.. care.

{PHIL DIES. Noxigar roars in anger.}

NOXIGAR: You killed Phil Argus! You bastard!

TREVOR: Aw, what are you gonna do about-

{Noxigar throws the Sneak at Trevor, and he proceeds to claw his face up, until Trevor picks up a nearby rock and manages to smash the Sneak off. The Sneak runs away, injured and in pain.}

TREVOR: ARGH, YOU MOTHERFUCK-...

PETE: Language, Trevor!

TREVOR: GO FUCK YOURSELF, YA FAT FUCKING BASTARD, SHIT SHIT, SHIT!!!

{Trevor pulls out a grenade launcher and begins shooting it indiscriminately, killing a lot of heartless in the process. Nobody important gets hurt. Lex comes up from behind him and whacks him over the head with a giant key, knocking him out.}

CHAOS: Holy crap, Lex! No one told us you were a keyblade master!

LEX: Keyblade Master? Nah, this is just an oversized key I got as a gag gift!

CHAOS: Oh. That's disappointing.

{Noxigar pulls out a glowing saber, and begins to fight Pete with it.}

CHAOS: Wow, Noxigar! Who knew you were a Jedi?

NOXIGAR: Jedi? Nah, this is just a gag gift.

CHAOS: Oh come on!

{The rest of the Final Fantasy characters just... carry on fighting heartless. Wheee. While Maleficent... Oh yeah, she fled a while back. I probably should've told you this. Oops. Let's just cut to the next bit. Trevor is still unconscious, while Pete has been backed into a corner, cowering for his life.}

PETE: N-now, I tell ya! I have no idea what happened to the Neckbeard Armor! I-I just follow orders!

CHAOS: Damn it. I think he may be telling the truth.

LEON: Well, this is disappointing. I'm really sorry guys, honestly.

LEX: Oh, it's alright, Leon. We all know it wasn't your fault.

{Suddenly, the apparition of Ronnie James Dio appears, majestically coming down from the heavens, backed with a wicked kick-ass guitar solo.}

ALL: IT'S RONNIE JAMES DIO!

DIO: Indeed, it is I, the one, the only, your lord and master, Dio. I have come down to tell you all that all hope is not yet lost, for the Neckbeard Armor has been scattered across the worlds. And it is up to you to find it.

LEON: Actually, we have more of it in the back. You do not know how much of this stuff we actually hav-...

DIO: NO, IT IS LAW. YOU MUST SEEK THE NECKBEARD ARMOR THAT HAS BEEN LOST. ONLY THEN CAN YOU LIVE UP TO FULL LIFE CONSEQUENCES.

LEX: We will. Thank you, Dio!

DIO: Do not mention it, my lamb. UP AND AWAAAAAAY.

{Dio floats back into the sky.}

RAIKU: Oh hey guys!

{Somehow, from somewhere, somehow, some dude showed up. He looks like Protoman and Leon had a baby and then that baby got vomited on. And he has a gunblade. That looks like it might be cardboard.}

LEX: Wait, who are you?

LEON: Why the hell do you look like me, you're creeping me out..

RAIKU: You see, I am Raiku Lucifer Hunka Hunka Burning Love Devil, son of the great LUCIFER DEVIL, or Satan. I possess every ability ever, am completely invincible and immortal, and are now the most important character ever!!!!

CHAOS: Uh..

RAIKU: So guys, what adventures will we go on now? As our leader, I say...

{Cut to about five minutes later. Raiku has been chained inside the crate, which has an anvil on top of it to keep it shut.}

NOXIGAR: So... what in all serious shitlord shithole stand is the Neckbeard Armour and why is Maleficent having a skull about it?

{Suddenly Heartless stop arriving. Aerith, Cid, and Yuffie approach Noxigar.}

YUFFIE: Do you not really know?

NOXIGAR: No. Half the time I just get invited to whatever shenanigans Lex and Chaos get into mostly because I'm lonely and otherwise riffing the everloving tar out of various movies.

AERITH: That's... kind of sad. And arousing.

NOXIGAR: What-

AERITH: Come to this bar I have a napkin for and I will tell you everything.

{Aerith gives Noxigar a napkin for "The Red Velvet."}

NOXIGAR: I agree to this... is this a date?

CID: You're not good at this, are you?

NOXIGAR: Try being me for about five seconds. I fuckin' dare you, you... you...

LEX: Fort Knox, try being less of a cuss-mando and maybe you'd get creme-brulaid.

NOXIGAR: Fine. I still dare you to try being me for more than five seconds. A whole day, even. If you last a week, maybe an achievement will pop over your head. And then if a month shows and you're good at being me... maybe we'll see what happens.

{Short pause.}

NOXIGAR: I still have no deuced clue as to why Maleficent's goons were picking on someone who obviously had no heart.

{Cut to "The Red Velvet." Dubstep music is playing as Aerith and Noxigar are playing pool.}

AERITH: Mighty good game, is it not, Nox?

NOXIGAR: It jolly well is. The thing I don't understand though, is why did they all come with us?

{Pan over to the bar area, where Lex, Chaos, and everyone else is drinking alcohol and having a great time together.}

AERITH: Eh, let them have their fun. After all, this is a celebration.

NOXIGAR: A celebration for what? Losing the Neckbeard Armor?

AERITH: The... what?

NOXIGAR: You know, the thing we were hunting for not an hour ago? That Maleficent stole?

AERITH: Huh, never heard of it.

NOXIGAR: But, but... but? Hm, never mind.

{All of a sudden, the doors to the club open. A blinding light shines from outside, which prompts everyone to look at what the hell is happening. Five people walk in, all wearing exquisite purple-and-black suits. The leader of this group happens to be a female in her early 30s, while the other members happen to be two Caucasian females, one with ginger hair and glasses, and the other with her hair pulled back in a pony tail, an African-American male in a golf cap, and a Korean-American male with slicked back hair and sunglasses. The leader of the group pulls out a wad of cash and hands it over to the bouncer as a tip. She then walks over to Noxigar and Aerith, while resting her hand on the table.}

????: Yo, y'all got room for one more?

AERITH: Oh certainly, come right in.

NOXIGAR: Oh. Um, yeah, sure!

????: Heh, thanks. Mighty appreciate it.

{The lady picks up a nearby pool cue and walks back over to the table.}

NOXIGAR: So, who are you, then?

????: Me? I'm just some bastard from Stilwater. But you can just call me "The Boss".

NOXIGAR: Just "The Boss"? Don't you have an actual name?

THE BOSS: I do, but for the sake of your own safety, you're most definitely better off not knowing.

NOXIGAR: Right, I'll definitely keep that in mind then.

AERITH: Come on, let's do this!

{The three proceed to carry on playing pool. Cut to the bar, where Lex and Chaos are sitting with Leon, Cid, and Yuffie. All are drinking an alcoholic beverage, with the exception of Yuffie, who has a coke instead.}

LEON: Huge shame about the armor, you know?

CHAOS: Eh, don't sweat it. We've already forgotten about it.

LEON: But I just feel so bad.

CHAOS: No, I mean, we've seriously forgotten about it already. I have no idea what you are talking about.

LEON: ...Oh. Because we actually have more of it in the castle, we can just give you that instead, really.

CHAOS: Stop worrying, jeez.

{The two males from the other group walk over to them, and tap Lex on the shoulder. Lex turns around.}

LEX: Yeah?

????: Mind if we sit next to ya?

LEX: Oh no, it's fine. Go ahead.

????: Thanks, bro.

{The two sit next to Lex at the bar, before engaging in conversation.}

????: So... you don't look like you're around here.

LEX: Nah, I'm from much further away. Wiki World, you know?

????: Ah, Wiki World. I see. Never heard of it.

LEX: How about you two? You don't look like you're from around here either.

????: You're right there, man. No, we're from pretty far away too. Stilwater, or Steelport. Whichever one we feel like wrecking at the time.

LEX: I see. So, who are you guys?

????: Me? Well, I'm Johnny Gat, lieutenant for the Third Street Saints. And my friend here? This is Pierce. Also the lieutenant for the Third Street Saints.

LEX: Both of you?

PIERCE: Yeah, it's kind of awkward. You see, Johnny here, he fucking died, or so we thought, and I became lieutenant instead.

GAT: I didn't actually die, of course. They thought I was, but I just got abducted by an alien overlord. Managed to shoot my way out, fuck some shit up, you know?

LEX: Usual business then?

GAT: Hah. You know it, man!

NOXIGAR: Okay, so seriously, am I the only one who is actually still thinking that maybe we should find the Neckbeard Armour pieces? I mean, if it gives us an excuse to bar-hop from universe to universe, I say we can still go for it.

CHAOS: Can we.. uh.. wait a day or so?

{Pan over to reveal Chaos being hit on by Shaundi and Kinzie.}

NOXIGAR: Oh, for fu-...

{NEXT SCENE, TWENTY FOUR HOURS LATER. The gang are back at their Gummi Ship, and are waving goodbye to the Kingdom Hearts and Saints Row characters. Chaos has lipstick marks over his face, Noxigar is wearing Aerith's necklace, and Lex is wearing sunglasses and a Third Street Saints jacket.}

LEX: {To the Saints.} You guys staying here?

THE BOSS: You bet your life on it! Leon here told us about the "Heartless problem", and we thought we'd lend a hand!

{Leon and Cid both hold up Dubstep Guns, while Yuffie has a remote control. Out of curiosity, she presses the button. In the distance, a gigantic rocket strike is seen destroying Malificent's castle.}

YUFFIE: Suh-weet!!

CHAOS: Call me, ladies!

KINSIE: Will do!

NOXIGAR: Thanks for the drinks and pool!

AERITH: No problem, dude!!

{The gang all get inside the Gummi Ship, which immediately flies out into the skies.}

CHAOS: That was pretty cool. So, guys. What are we doing next?

NOXIGAR: We were going to get the Neckbeard Armor pieces, remember?

CHAOS: Oh, riiiiiight. Where do we start?

NOXIGAR: Let me turn on the sensors to see if we pick anything strange up.

{Noxigar activates the map, and puts on anything which can detect Neckbeard Armor pieces. He presses the hyperspeed button, and the ship blasts off into warp speed.}

END OF EPISODE I