Ethan & Dolan/Episode 1

The following is the cancelled, never finished, orginal episode of Ethan & Dolan. This was before the time of skits, and when commercial's actually meant something. Enjoy!

Transcript

{open to a black screen.}

DAVEY: {Everything he says, appears on screen} Tonight at 12 {words fade out} It's... {fade out again} Ethan & Dolan!!! {upbeat theme music begins to play} Featuring Chwoka! {an image of Chwoka appears onscreen} Skullbuggy {Skullbuggy's image also appears} Lemon Demon43! {same} and Chaosvii7! {same} And now... {cut to the studio.} ETHAN & DOLAN!

{pan down to the studio. Dolan is behind his desk and Ethan is sitting in the arm chair on the left.. 4 chairs sit around them.}

DOLAN: Hello everyone, this is your favorite scientist Dolan here with the very first episode of our late night show. Say hello to the camera, Ethan.

ETHAN: Naw, they'll just grow to hate me anyway.

DOLAN: Okay then. As Davey already said, this little guy here is Ethan. Our first guest tonight is an very popular and well known user, Chwoka. Please help us welcome him by-

ETHAN: Cut it with the crap, Dolan. Just let the guy in.

Chwoka

DOLAN: Okay. Please welcome, Chwoka!

{Chwoka walks on-screen, waving to the audience. As soon as he sits down, he looks at Ethan and jumps 5 feet in the air (metaphorically)}

CHWOKA: Oh my! A cyclops!

ETHAN: Yeah. What about it? I still get twice the ladies you do!

DOLAN: Er.... welcome to the show.

CHWOKA: Oh god! He's got a clampmouth! LOOK OUT!

ETHAN: I swear I'm gonna kill this guy.

DOLAN: Just settle down now, Ethan. How's life, Chwoka?

CHWOKA: Trapped-in-a-theater-ilicous!

DOLAN: Well that's cool. How's sunny Wiki User Wiki treating you?

CHWOKA: Good, until I SAW THAT UGLY FACE! {points at Ethan, getting much laughter from the audience}

ETHAN: {infuriated} Alright! That's it! You wanna go little man? {jumps from his chair and punches Chwoka in the face. Knocking him out.}

DOLAN: What the? Ethan! You just punched our first guest!

ETHAN: He was asking for it!

Skullbuggy

DOLAN: Er... okay. Let's go ahead and bring our next guest out here. He's the only dune buggy with a skull for a head in the history of... ever. Please welcome, Skullbuggy!

SKULLB: {offscreen} ... now? Really? Geez! You could have told me!

{SkullB quickly runs on screen.}

SKULLB: Hey, all!

ETHAN: Hey, you'll have to sit in the second seat 'cause this loser decided to take a nap in the middle of our show. Pssh. What a jerk.

DOLAN: Uh. I think what he means is, welcome to the show, Skullbuggy!

SKULLB: I'm sure he does. Thanks, Dylan!

DOLAN: It's.... Dolan.

ETHAN: Heh. He called you Dylan. I like this guy. What's up, Buggy?

SKULLB: Not much, man! Just maxin' and relaxin'.

ETHAN: I know exactly what you mean. I am ALWAYS on the max of the relax. You should see my place! Total babe fest 24/7. Hey what's your place like?

SKULLB: I have to live with my roommate who's married. My God is it boring. Nothing happens. Zero. Maybe they make out, maybe, but does the wife ever invite me in? No. Never.

DOLAN: Guys I'd rather not get sued by the FCC here so if you could just-

ETHAN: Aww man. That sucks. You've gotta come to my house this weekend. I'm having a partay! Who knows how long it's gonna be for!

DOLAN: How didn't I know about this?

ETHAN: You weren't invited. {audience laughter}

DOLAN: I lived there before you did.

ETHAN: But I live there now! Hey skullman, that's what you should do! Kick your roommate out!

SKULLB: I would, but I can't. He pays the bills, you know. Do you know just who hires robots to do their jobs?

ETHAN: Aww well that's too bad.

DOLAN: So how's the WUW been to you recently?

SKULLB: ... What's the WUW? I thought I was here promoting my show.

DOLAN: And that show would be?

SKULLB: Why, it's The SkullB Show! With over 40 episodes to its name, not to mention an amazing array of funny jokes and interesting characters, why wouldn't you know?

{The words "ADVERTISEMENT" blink on the bottom of the screen.}

SKULLB: Watch The SkullB Show, weeknights at 7! Only on the WUW Channel!

ETHAN: pshh. Spam... I hate that freaking WUW channel. All they've got is all this lame user crap that no one wants to-

DOLAN: Eh, Ethan. You may not want to insult the WUW. We're kind of being aired on said channel.

ETHAN: Oh.

DOLAN: So, Skullbuggy? What's new with your show?

SKULLB: Well, we're filming a pretty long episode. It involves pretty much every main character. Oh, and Ethan? I know what you mean, man. Half the stuff on the WUW channel is purestrain crap.

DOLAN: But what new can we expect from it? Or is it all just the same?

SKULLB: I'll tell you one thing. Drugs. Lots and lots of drugs.

ETHAN: Oh cool man! Can I get some off you? Dolan won't let me have em in the house anymore...

SKULLB: Meet me after the show, man.

DOLAN: Okay then. I'd say we change the subject now. Anything else new we can expect from you in the near future?

SKULLB: ... More episodes? I guess?

ETHAN: I coulda told you that Dolan.

DOLAN: I mean entirelly new. Is there a chance of you returning on the Fanstuff Wiki?

SKULLB: No! No no no no no no no. No no no no no no never no no no no never.

ETHAN: Well somebody's sure of themselves.

DOLAN: Well why not?

SKULLB: Well, according to my good friend, Zippy P. Platypus, it's full of tiny babies who write self-insert fan fiction about some white guy.

ETHAN: Those guys are soo overated.

DOLAN: Quiet you. We don't want to offend the producer.

{pan up to a window to the top right of the studio. The sillohette of TheDenzel can be seen, staring down at Ethan. Return to the set.}

DOLAN: I hear he's rather supportive of the fanstuff.

ETHAN: Whatever. You can't fire Ethan from the Ethan & Dolan show. Then it'd be the Dolan show. And no one would watch that. Would you, Skullbuggy?

SKULLB: No-ho-ho-ho-ho way, man. That would be boring! It'd be all science and math--wait, that's what smart people like, right?

DOLAN: Yes indeed.

ETHAN: YUCK!

DOLAN: Okay then fine. We'll stick with this. Anyway, it's just about time to bring out our next guest. We'll see you back here at the end of the show. Anything you'd like to say before we cut to commercial?

SKULLB: Peace out, Ethan's my man, watch the SkullB Show!

ETHAN: You know it! Now get outta here man. I'll catch you later.

{SkullBuggy leaves}

DOLAN: We'll be right back with more Ethan & Dolan right after this! {applause}

Commercial

{cut to a yellow background. A doctor type person walks on}

DOCTOR: Hello. I am Doctor Shpeespallerondrefussomermeega. I'm here to tell you about the dangers of stolen fanstuff ideas. Did you know that 8 stolen fanstuffs are created each day? It's true. Someone comes up with a creative new idea and before you know, you've got at least 12 others copying off it. So please, use your imagination, and come up with your own fanstuffs. Thank you.

{end}

Lemon Demon43

DOLAN: Welcome back everyone. Our next guess comes from-

ETHAN: {pops up close to screen} What the!?

DOLAN: {sigh} What is it now, Ethan?

ETHAN: Does the telemaprompter deceive me or do we have a demon on the show????

DOLAN: Well I doubt he's an actual demon. More like a lemon.

ETHAN: Oh. A Lemon Demon.

DOLAN: Yes exactly. Please welcome, Lemon Demon43!

{Lemon rides in on a skate board. He does an Ollie over Ethan and Dolan.}

LEMON: Peace. {sits down.}

ETHAN: Ugh. Eeeemooooo.

DOLAN: Sssh. Welcome to the show, Lemon. What's up?

LEMON: The sky. And the clouds. And the stars.

ETHAN: Wow that's so original right? Right? Because... because he said "What's up?" and you're like, THE SKY!? Right. You're sooo funny. Do you right your own material? No? Yes? God! I hate you...

DOLAN: Eh... what's new with you on the WUW?

LEMON: Scooby Doo.

ETHAN: IT'S FUNNY CAUSE IT RHYMES RIGHT? He asked you a question, jerk. Answer it!

LEMON: No, seriously, I'm making a Scooby Doo parody called Dooby Soo! See it at 8:00 AM, on WGN America! Starting on the 32nd of September!

DOLAN: 32nd?

LEMON: Yes, 32nd. In 2016, when each month gets an extra day.

ETHAN: HAHA! YOU THINK YOU'RE SOOOO FUNNY RIGHT!?

DOLAN: Ethan, calm down! What else can you tell us about this Dooby Soo?

LEMON: It will have the cast of Scooby Doo playing the characters. Oh, I would love to see Shaggy voice Yggahs...

DOLAN: So, it'll be exactly the same only... reversed?

LEMON: AND inverted! The kids of Wiki City like Micah will LOVE IT!

DOLAN: I... I think you're right. You sir are a Wiki User Wiki GENIUS!

ETHAN: Pssh. I coulda thought of that...

DOLAN: What else has your genius mind thought up recently?

LEMON: I am currently working up a new video game for the Wii!

DOLAN: Wait like for reals?

LEMON: It's called "Wiki User Smash Bros: BRAWL!"

ETHAN: Oh. For a second I thought it WASN'T a piece of crap...

DOLAN: Eh. Just what exactly is it again, Lemon?

LEMON: For info on the game, go to www dot wikitendo dot com slash wuwsbb!

ETHAN: Yeah cut it out with that. No one will EVER believe you...

DOLAN: Eh.... anything REAL you've been doing recently?

LEMON: Making fiends, you know, like Venneta. Not like Charlette, she makes friends.

ETHAN: Yeah, no one knows what your talking about.

LEMON: You, my friend, need to watch more Nickelodeon.

ETHAN: You my NOT friend, need to watch LESS Nickelodeon.... What's so great about that station anyway?

LEMON: I dunno. Them taking popular web cartoons and turning them into TV Shows. Wait till Bonus Stage is on TV...

ETHAN: Just wait until they put your mom on tv! Oh wait. SHE ALREADY IS! I SAW HERE LAST NIGHT ON-

DOLAN: Now, Ethan! That's enough! Sorry, Lemon. We're almost out of time here. Anything you like to quickly talk about before we throw you back into the green room?

LEMON: Oh yeah... {quickly} THE ETHAN AND DOLAN SHOW IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR LOSS OF HOUSE, SUGAR RUSHES, MINOR INJURIES, GETTING MAGIC POWERS, CATCHING ON FIRE, GETTING INSULTED, MINOR BLOOD LOSS, SWELLING, OR URGE TO SING "I WANNA ROCK AND ROLL ALL NIGHT" BY THE BAND KISS. WAIT, WAIT, I'M TALKING TO FAST! HEELLP!

ETHAN: God. I need a break. {gets up and walks off}

DOLAN: Well I enjoyed this, Lemon. We'll see you back on the show in a little bit. Hopefully Chwoka here will've woken up by then. But we go now to commercial.

Commercial

{cut to an image of Bluebry squinting at the sun, looking proud.}

NARRATOR: Bluebry believes in the sanctity of marriage.

{Cut to a similar shot.}

NARRATOR: Bluebry believes in the pro..proli...pro...liferation...of the traditional American family and the right of life to those without voices.

{Cut to a shot of Bluebry sitting at a desk with his eyes closed.}

NARRATOR: We know plenty about Bluebry. But what about his new Vice President pick, Noid?

{cut to camera footage of Noid speaking at a convention}

NOID: You know the only difference between a Noid and a lipstick? Bulldogs.

{The camera pauses.}

NARRATOR: That's all we need to know. All of it. Don't delve deeper. At all.

{cut to a shot of Bluebry squinting again.}

BLUEBRY: I am Bluebry and I approve this message.

Chaosvii7

DOLAN: Welcome back everyone. Ethan, how was your little break?

ETHAN: Honestly? Refreshing. I still see this jerk is knocked out... {looks down at the unconcious Chwoka} Serves him right too.

DOLAN: Well then I guess it's time to bring on our next guest, Chaosvii7. Welcome him to the show! {applause}

{Chaos enters the area.}

CHAOS: Ethan! Dolan! Glad to meet you two!

DOLAN: Well you seem rather cheery. How've you been recently?

CHAOS: Good, good. The Olympics Distracted everyone from the neverending fighting overseas. We've been hitting BIG bucks over at Malifact & Malifact.

DOLAN: Cool, but wait, aren't the Olympics over?

CHAOS: Just because it's over, doesn't mean it's still not distracting people.

ETHAN: I get it. Any other diabolical schemes you can give to me?

CHAOS: Well, we're waiting for McCain to win the presidency so we can Kill Bush, and use his corpse in an adultery case to bar McCain and Palin from office. So we're rigging this election to make Obama win either way.

ETHAN: That's.... beautiful. Anyway I can get in on this?

CHAOS: Can you handle an air drop into Texas and smuggling several CCs of Poison, Pot, and Knives?

DAVEY: {shouting} TEXAS ALERT! TEXAS ALERT! {stops shouting} Looks like our Chaos has just uttered the only word not allowed on the show! You know what that means?

CHAOS: I force a very sharp sword up the asses of all of the execs before they can do anything stupid to me?

{Lemon pops his head onto screen}

LEMON: TELL US

DAVEY: NO CHAOS! IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO... {drumroll} SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!

LEMON: WHAT R DA CONSEQUENCES DAVEY DAVITY DAVE DAVE?

ETHAN: Shut up, Lemon. You can come back out in a little bit.

DOLAN: Eh? Davey what exactly is the consequence of the Texas Alert?

DAVEY: TONIGHT'S CONSEQUENCE IS.... THE JARBLER OF EVIL! Anything you say from now on will be a jarbled mess! Which means your interview is up!

DOLAN: What?

ETHAN: Okay then! CUT TO COMMERCIAL!

Commercial

SINGER: It doesn't matter what comes fresh goes better in life! WIth Mentos fresh and full of-

{Chaos shoots the singer.}

CHAOS: That was fun.

Group Interview

DOLAN: Welcome back. If you've just joined us, you're watching the Ethan & Dolan show, and it's time for our group interview. Sadly however, one of our interviewees is still unconcious, another jarblified, so we really only have two people really with us at the moment.

ETHAN: Doesn't matter, they all suck.

DOLAN: So let's start with an open question. Which one of you guys is most awesome?

LEMON: Me. I'm part lizard. That's cool.

SKULLB: Yeah? Well I'm a car with a skull on it. That's even more cool.

{They break into a fist fight. Somebody is chanting "Jerry!"}

ETHAN: JERRY! JERRY!

DOLAN: Chaos, what about you?

CHAOS: Ah. You're on a patio flavor, my brain?(Oh. I'm in the conversation now, aren't I?)

ETHAN: Heh. Scramblified. Anyone know when Chwoka is gonna wake up?

LEMON: Just go ask him on his talk page to come here.