(even if you aren't vegan)
Conshow/50/split1
Contents
Summary
This page was created for those whose browsers break under peer pressure of file size or for those who don't like scrolling down incredibly long pages.
Transcript
Pre-Show Advertisement
{Open to the base on the nameless planet, Conchris stares at the camera holding a crowbar. Cruroar walks in}
CRUROAR: What the hell are you doing?
{Conchris looks at Cruroar before going back to staring at the camera}
CRUROAR: Who the hell are you supposed to be?
{Conchris starts staring harder}
CRUROAR: Screw it. I'm out of here.
{Cruroar walks off}
NARRATOR: {v.o} Now you too can pretend to be Gordon Freeman! With this {a crowbar suddenly flies on-screen} MAGICAL CROWBAR! It can make you MUTE! It can even be used to defeat zombies! {the words "Buy Now!" flash on-screen} Buy now!
{Static}
{Cut to the same place, Conchris is now talking to Cruroar}
CRUROAR: So, you decided to advertise something at the start?
CONCHRIS: Of course! It's always a cliché for all shows!
CRUROAR: Err... okay...
CONCHRIS: Also, I need the ad revenue. We're not getting much.
CRUROAR: Oh are we?
CONCHRIS: Shut up. {hits Cruroar in the head with the crowbar} Now I'm going to go now...
{Fade to black}
Act 1: When there's a Will...
{Cue introduction}
{Open to the base on the nameless planet, an alarm suddenly sounds}
NYDARA: WE'RE GOING TO LAND!
KYLERA: HIT THE DECKS!
{Nydara, John, Kylera, Conchris, Cruroar and Cieeia fall onto the floor, Cieeia grasps Cruroar's hand}
CIEEIA: Are we going to be okay?
CRUROAR: If I said yes, that means we're going to die.
{Cieeia whimpers}
CONCHRIS: Stop being such a pussy! Besides, it's not like it's going to land in Wikit-
{Cut to the Wikity Borders, the "planet" lands right next to the sign population sign currently reading "200,000 signs still live, including this one". A buzzer sound is heard and the number on the sign then reads "199,999". The "planet" then suddenly opens up and several Yffulf pour out}
XAVIAN: ATTACK MY MINIONS!
{Cut to Sirhcnoc's Lair on a Hill, Sirhcnoc is looking at the "planet" through a telescope}
SIRHCNOC: It has begun! We must head over to Xavian immediately!
GREG: Yeah! Err... why?
SIRHCNOC: We await further orders.
{Cut to the base on the "planet", the guards drag Conchris and company into a jail cell and locks it up}
CRUROAR: You can't do this to us! We're heroes!
ALIEN #12: No, duh!
CIEEIA: Can you let me out of here?
ALIEN #23: We believe in equality so, NO!
{Cieeia puts on puppy dog eyes and whimpers}
CRUROAR: Save it, it's not going to work.
NYDARA: Welp. We're doomed...
CONCHRIS: Don't be such a downer!
NYDARA: I'll never see what your glorious Earth looks like... {tears start to stream down}
CRUROAR: We need to find a way out of here...
CONCHRIS: I can... find a way... from misery to happiness... today. Check... it out! {pulls out a toaster}
CIEEIA: How could a FREAKING TOASTER help us?
CONCHRIS: You idiot! It's a mini laser! Look! {presses a button and a laser blasts out of the toaster, hitting a nearby wall.}
CRUROAR: Err... awesome?
CIEEIA: What are you trying to pull?
CONCHRIS: Okay, so this laser is too weak on its own. All I need is a flux capacitor and a generator that can bring about 1.21 gigawatts so that we can go back... back to the future.
{Cruroar and Cieeia look at Conchris with a confused expression on their faces}
CRUROAR: Wha?
CONCHRIS: I need it to blow a hole in the wall.
KYLERA: I have a better idea... HEY MISTER!
{Cut to Xavian's Battleship - The Jail}
MR. PERSON: When are we going to be let out of here?
DAN: Can't you read?
MR. PERSON: Err... no, exactly.
DAN: Anyway, we aren't going to let you out of here because you're Heeeeeuuuuumaaaaaannn....
ARIA: Oh, so we're {imitates Dan's voice} Heeeeeuuuuuuuuummmmaaaannnnnn, {normal voice} right?
DAN: That's what I said! No, I don't have trouble pronouncing your race's name.
MR. PERSON: Okay... So, never... right?
DAN: We'll be eating YOU {points to Aria} first because your kind is TASTY!
ARIA: Ewwww!
MR. PERSON: Dude! Not cool!
DAN: You're right, it might not agree with those folks that run the channel. But still.
ARIA: You're a gross little thing, right?
DAN: You Heeeeeeeuuuuuummmmmaaaaaaaans have trouble with everything! That is why half the universe hates you!
{A screen suddenly pops up with a random alien}
ALIEN: Err... no, we don't.
{The screen blips out of existance}
MR. PERSON: Was that an excuse by the writer to extend the amount of size of the script?
{A fist smashes into Mr. Person twice whilst the writer talks}
WRITER: {god-like voice} SHUT! UP!
DAN: Err... okay....
ARIA: Are you still going to eat us after the Earth is conquered?
DAN: YES! {puts on a napkin}
ARIA: Eugh...
{Cut to the base on the 'planet' - Jail, Cruroar is now sitting down in the corner}
KYLERA: GUARDS! GUARDS! Oh come on! I've been shouting for a minute!
ALIEN #21: WHAT?! I've been standing here this whole time!
KYLERA: Sorry! Anyway, can you let us out? Pleaseee?
ALIEN #21: NO!
KYLERA: Seriously, what is wrong with you? Don't you remember that alliance our species made?
ALIEN #21: {struggling to stay on guard} N-No.
KYLERA: You're seriously trying to break the alliance if our species got a hold of this.
ALIEN #32: {shouting from off-screen} YEAH! YOU SHOULD LET THEM GO!
KYLERA: And besides, I'll pay you 10,000 Galactic Bucks if you can let us out of here!
ALIEN #21: FINE! {presses a button} Now, qui- {gets shot by a laser}
{Forest walks in}
FOREST: Quit wasting my time!
CRUROAR: Forest! You came back to us!
FOREST: So what? I have disguised as a companion cube in hopes that they won't spot me. I'm only rescuing you for MY escape.
CIEEIA: {with obvious sarcasm} That's so selfless of you!
FOREST: I'm sorry, my sarcasm meter is being jailbroken right now. Can you relay that to my face?!
CONCHRIS: Ladies! Quiet! Anyway, let's go before the aliens surround us again and decide that killing us is a good alternative.
{Cut to Sirhcnoc's Lair on a hill, Xavian's Battleship suddenly crashes and ejects Chrionroar, Aria and Mr. Person out. Old Man also flies out but suddenly slumps to the floor}
OLD MAN: Go on without me! {closes eyes}
ARIA: NO! We lost one of the minor characters!
MR. PERSON: Yeah, he sacrificed his life to make the ship asplode. But that didn't happen to the viewers because it was CUT!
{A giant hand comes out of the sky and points at Mr. Person}
WRITER: {god-like voice} One more word about this script from you and you will be meeting the GREEN SPACE OF DEATH!
MR. PERSON: NO! NOT THAT!
WRITER: Just as I thought... {flies away}
ARIA: Anyway, we need to get going.
HOBS: {off-screen} Can't let you do that, Min-ors!
{Cut to another part of the lair, Hobs stands near the exit in a fighting pose. Also, DUN DUN DUN!}
{fade to black}
Post-Act 1 Advertisement
{Open to a kitchen, Sarry Bcott slowly rises up from beneath the screen}
SARRY: HI! I'm Sarry Bcott! Do you need help with your housecleaning?!
{Cut to a random house, the woman holding a vacuum cleaner nods}
SARRY: {v.o} Well, screw you!
{The woman frowns angrily}
{Cut back to the kitchen}
SARRY: I want to show you the newest in nuisance removal.
{Sarry heaves a bucket with the label "Mah Bois"}
SARRY: This is the "Mah Bois"! It can be used to chase idiots out of the house in no time! Just watch this video clip!
{Cut to a random sign post, Chrionroar slowly slides in like a snake, takes one look at it, and eats it whole, he then slides off-screen and explodes, sending him flying back on-screen}
CHRIONROAR: WHEEEEEE!
{Cut back to the kitchen}
SARRY: It can also be used to deter villains!
{Cut to the entrance of Sirhcnoc's Lair, Xavian is knocking on the door}
XAVIAN: Let me in, damn you!
{Greg opens the door}
GREG: No. {throws the bucket at Xavian}
XAVIAN: I'M MELTING!
{Cut back to the kitchen}
SARRY: Ha ha ha! What irony! Buy today! {a number flashes up reading "Ring 02222342442453 NOW!"} Ring up now and receive this {heaves up another bucket labelled "Dinner"} Dinner absolutely free! Buy Now!
{The lights turn off}
SARRY: Can I go now?
{The Instructor walks on-screen and stares at Sarry square in the eye}
INSTRUCTOR: NO!
{The yell is so loud that it sends Sarry and the two buckets off-screen}
{Fade to black}
Act 2: ...there's a way...
{Open to Sirhcnoc's Lair on a Hill}
HOBS: Can't let you do that, Min-ors!
ARIA: YOU'VE BEEN SAYING THAT FOR THE PAST 5 MINUTES!
HOBS: I know, I'm stuck on a loop! Also, DIE! {pulls out a rocket launcher and shoots it at Aria, several rockets completely misses her and hits Chrionroar instead}
CHRIONROAR: Getting hit by rockets give me super strength!
MR. PERSON: Shut it! Also, aren't you supposed to NOT hurt humans?
HOBS: Wha?
MR. PERSON: I mean, you're programmed for at least something, right?
HOBS: You're right... I- {gets hit in the head by a tube and falls over, revealing that Aria was holding the tube}
MR. PERSON: Wasn't that a tube from the Internets?
ARIA: Come on! They won't miss ONE tiny tube... right?
{Cut to a series of tubes, a green puddle slowly flows out of the missing pipe with little letters, an alarm starts sounding}
{Cut back}
ARIA: Eh, whatever it takes to get those low-lifes off...
MR. PERSON: Put it back... NOW.
ARIA: Sorry! Sheesh!
{Aria throws the tube off-screen, the alarm stops sounding}
MR. PERSON: Now, what do we do?
ARIA: I say we sabotage everything!
MR. PERSON: And invoke the dark wrath of your evil lord?
ARIA: {red eyes} WHO TOLD YOU?! {normal eyes} Nah, I think we should just get out of here...
{Fade to black as Aria and Mr. Person walk off with Chrionroar slithering behind them, Hobs' eyes suddenly light up}
{Open to Wikity fields, Conchris and company run out of the 'planet'}
CIEEIA: Finally! Fresh air! {kisses the ground}
CONCHRIS: Now's the time to not start kissing the ground. We need to have a plan.
CRUROAR: How about we go back to your house?
CONCHRIS: Don't be stupid! Besides, I'm not hiding anything of value in there anymore...
{Cut to the ruins of Conchris' house - Basement, Sirhcnoc is rifling through the signs and pulls out a strange device}
SIRHCNOC: This is a strange device...
GREG: NO DUH!
SIRHCNOC: Now, what is it? {fiddles about with the strange device and it suddenly releases a portal} Whoa! Now I'm thinking with portals!
GREG: Where does it go?
SIRHCNOC: Hell?
{Instructor suddenly pops out of the portal}
INSTRUCTOR: SIRHCNOC! WHAT THE HELL IS WITH YOU AND FIDDLING WITH STRANGE DEVICES?!
SIRHCNOC: WHOA! Sorry!
INSTRUCTOR: WHAT ON EARTH IS YOUR GAME PLAN?! ARE YOU TRYING TO DESTROY THE WORLD?!
SIRHCNOC: No. Xavian's doing it.
INSTRUCTOR: OH! I'VE HEARD ABOUT THAT ONE BEFORE!
SIRHCNOC: Well, will you {gulps} help us?
INSTRUCTOR: LEMME THINK ABOUT IT FOR A SECOND.
{Instructor goes back in and the portal suddenly closes. A few seconds later, the portal reopens to reveal Instructor wearing a fitness uniform}
INSTRUCTOR: LET'S ROCK!
{Cut to Sirhcnoc's Lair on a Hill - Control Room, Xavian is overseeing the controls}
XAVIAN: He he he he he... Stupid idiot... leaving his base undefended... now I can actually take control of his base and DESTROY HIM! HA HA HA HA HA HA!
YFFULF #1: Wha?
XAVIAN: I plan to get rid of Sirhcnoc too. There's room for ONE villain on this show!
YFFULF #1: Okay... But I thought you guys were friends!
XAVIAN: That is because, my friend, that is a ploy to be able to enter his base without resistance! I plan to destroy this very Earth and to do so, I need to take advantage of Sirhcnoc's machinery!
YFFULF #1: Wow, a villain who uses other villains to do the dirty work... You sure a top-class villain then...
XAVIAN: I've walked out of the villain school with all As in all of my fields! I am obviously a very smart villain!
YFFULF #1: Do you plan to end up on the villain hall of fame?
XAVIAN: Yes.
YFFULF #1: Okay, whatever.
{Cut to a corridor of Sirhcnoc's Lair on a hill, Hobs is spying on Xavian and the Yffulf}
HOBS: I need to tell master!
{Hobs runs off}
{Cut to Wikity City, Conchris and Company stare in horror as screams are heard and fires are blazing on some buildings. Forest is unfazed}
FOREST: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DON'T RECYCLE!
CONCHRIS: Hey! This city recycles perfectly, thank you VERY much!
CRUROAR: How?
CONCHRIS: They force you at gun point to recycle.
CIEEIA: Really?
{Cruroar holds up a sign reading "Cieeia, quit stealing my lines..."}
CONCHRIS: Really.
{The screen fizzles to a black and white version of Wikity, Conchris walks up to a bin holding a can and is about to throw it in as a thug jumps out of nowhere and points the gun at him. Conchris starts sweating and nervously places the can in the recycle bin before running off}
{Cut back to Wikity City}
CRUROAR: That's a really weird flashback.
CONCHRIS: They have thugs stationed at every bin. They will ALWAYS BE WATCHING! {whispers} WATCHING...
{Pan over to a bush, the thug slowly creeps up from the bush and looks to the left and the right before going back into the bush}
{Cut to the ruins of Conchris' house, Sirhcnoc and Greg are about to close the basement door before Hobs suddenly runs in}
SIRHCNOC: Yes, what is it?
HOBS: Master! {puffs and pants} I bring urgent news!
SIRHCNOC: What?
HOBS: That strange guy plans on destroying YOU too!
SIRHCNOC: WHAT?! THAT TRAITOR!
GREG: I sure hope your lair cannot turn into a giant robot that can destroy half of... {explosions are heard as a giant robot rises up from the background}
HOBS: LOOK!
{The robot crushes a few buildings and fires some lasers, zoom in quickly}
{Cut to Sirhcnoc's Lair on a Hill turned into a Robot, Xavian is manning the controls}
XAVIAN: I knew that selling him the Easy-Lair is great idea! I'd better thank Sarry for that!
{Cut to the ruins of Conchris' house, Sirhcnoc tosses the strange object onto the ground in anger}
SIRHCNOC: THAT COSTED ME OVER A THOUSAND! Why must the lord torment me?
GREG: You're a religious person?
SIRHCNOC: I dunno, actually.
GREG: Oh.
XAVIAN: {from the robot} Mwhahahahahaha! Die Wikitains! DIE! HA HA HA HA HA!
HOBS: We must do something!
SIRHCNOC: Transform into a giant robot and have an epic duel with him!
HOBS: I cannot do that!
SIRHCNOC: DAMN! Looks like I'll have to get into my lair... {holds up a grappling hook} MYSELF...
GREG: Okay, have fun...
{Cut to Wikity City, Conchris and Company are running through the streets and finds Officer Generic lying on the ground}
CONCHRIS: OFFICER!
OFFICER GENERIC: {coughs} Conchris? My... it took you... {coughs} long enough...
CIEEIA: What happened?
GENERIC: Those creatures... they attacked... and destroyed... the station... stop them before they get... the... SERUM!
CRUROAR: Why?
GENERIC: The serum is used to make people stronger! Who knows what would happen in the wrong hands?!
{An explosion is heard and a giant beast breaks out of the station}
CONCHRIS: OH CRAP!
{The beast bashes Conchris out of the way and starts to walk towards Cruroar. Cruroar tries to run away but the beast catches up to him and is just about to swipe at him just as Cieeia jumps into the scene with a pipe}
CIEEIA: Leave. Him. Alone. {kicks the beast in the stomach-analogue, it begins to wince}
CRUROAR: What are you doing?!
CIEEIA: Saving your life, that's what.
CRUROAR: Why so serious?
CIEEIA: Just go! I'll fend this beast off!
CRUROAR: But...
CIEEIA: GO!
{Cruroar runs off as the beast gets up and starts to swipe at Cieeia, she blocks the blows with the pipe and knocks it upside the head, the beast uses the opening to swipe at her again, sending her flying into a stop sign}
CIEEIA: {rubs head} Ow...
{Cieeia gets up and dodges the beast just as it was running towards her, it hits the stop sign and sits there dazed. Cieeia uses the opening to bash the beast in the head. The beast whirls around and kicks her into the building where she lands in Officer Generic's office}
CIEEIA: Oww...
{The building's left wall collapses and Cieeia sees the beast holding a stop sign, it charges at her with the sign pointing towards her. Cieeia crawls out of the way and picks up the pipe. The beast sees what she is trying to do and stomps on the pipe and roars at her}
CIEEIA: Can't we just discuss this like normal people?
BEAST: {thinks for a second} NO!
{The beast begins to swipe at Cieeia but gets hit in the back of the head with a knife, the beast falls over and crashes next to Cieeia as she scrambles out from beneath him. It is revealed that Officer Generic did this}
GENERIC: I take all the glory of this one! HA HA!
{Cieeia stands up and looks at Officer Generic angrily}
CIEEIA: I was about to kill him! You {bleeping} kill stealer!
GENERIC: Ah ah ah, I get all the glory for saving you.
CIEEIA: ARGH! What's the use of arguing with you?!
GENERIC: None.
CIEEIA: {sighs} I just wonder how Cruroar and Conchris are doing...
{Cut another part of Wikity City, Conchris is fending off zombies with his laser blade as Cruroar cowers behind a bin}
CONCHRIS: Dude! Help me!
CRUROAR: Don't you remember episode 10? I'm afraid they'll stun me and then hump me!
ZOMBIE: DUDE! WE NOT FREAKING RE-DEADS YOU KNOW!
CONCHRIS: YEAH! Now stop being a wuss and help me capture this point!
{Cruroar comes out from behind the bin and notices Sirhcnoc, Greg and Hobs running their way}
CRUROAR: INCOMING!
{Sirhcnoc and company arrive at the scene}
CONCHRIS: What the hell are you doing here?
SIRHCNOC: My so-called "friend" betrayed me! He stole my lair and turned it into a giant robot!
GREG: That's the stupid idiots version of the story.
CONCHRIS: Okay... But why this way?
SIRHCNOC: YOU IDIOT! This way is the only way we can get to the robot FAST!
HOBS: YEAH!
CONCHRIS: LITTLE MAN!
HOBS: Huh? Wait... I recognise you... aren't you... MY CREATOR?! Father, is that you?!
CONCHRIS: Oh snap!
HOBS: I missed you! Why didn't you come and visit me?
CONCHRIS: I had to go into space because {glares at Greg} SOME IDIOT THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY TO SEND US THERE!
GREG: I was only playing along Xavian's grand scheme of things!
SIRHCNOC: Speaking of grand schemes, will you help me in stopping Xavian's?
CONCHRIS: I don't know but I'm not helping you! {folds arms and looks away from Sirhcnoc}
SIRHCNOC: Aw, come on!
CONCHRIS: No.
SIRHCNOC: I'll be your best friend forever.
CONCHRIS: Nuh-uh.
SIRHCNOC: Fine!
CONCHRIS: Fine!
GREG: GUYS! We need to co-operate for once on this one. Xavian is too strong to be fought on his own.
SIRHCNOC: I guess...
CONCHRIS: Fine! I'll help you two losers if you would give me back that incinerator I was going to use to melt Chrionroar's signs down into a little melted metal pile and use it to create a sign mech!
SIRHCNOC: Deal. And I'll help you as long as you let us have a day of peace!
CONCHRIS: FINE!
{Sirhcnoc pulls out the strange device and fiddles with it, a portal opens and Instructor runs out of it}
INSTRUCTOR: WHAT NOW?!
SIRHCNOC: Destroy those zombies.
INSTRUCTOR: OH, RIGHT! I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR REVENGE AGAINST THE UNDEAD FOR WEEKS NOW! EVER SINCE THEY TOOK MY FLUFFY, I'VE NEVER BEEN THE SAME!
{Pause}
CONCHRIS: O...kay....
SIRHCNOC: {sighs} Just get them...
INSTRUCTOR: FINE!
{Instructor walks up to the zombies}
INSTRUCTOR: YOU CALL THAT LIMPING?! I'LL SHOW YOU LIMPING! ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{The shout is so loud that the zombies fly off-screen}
CRUROAR: Where are they headed?
GREG: They'll land in the next town over. I don't really know my geography so I'll leave it at that.
CRUROAR: So, what's the game plan here?
CONCHRIS: We find whatever the idiot is looking for.
SIRHCNOC: Yep. I think the biggest idiot of them all is in there... Wait... where's your female friend? Where'd she go?
CRUROAR: None of your business!
SIRHCNOC: Okay... fine... what about the robot?
CONCHRIS: I... wait... where did Forest go?
{Cut to the inside of Wikity City, Forest runs in after the giant robot and clings onto its leg, she tears open a hatch and jumps inside}
FOREST: I shall not let anymore life be destroyed!
{Cut back to the streets}
SIRHCNOC: Right, let's get to the ruins of your house.
CONCHRIS: HOW'D YOU KNOW WHERE I LIVE?!
{Conchris looks at Sirhcnoc weirdly}
SIRHCNOC: My lair is located on a hill behind your house. I spy on you guys all the ti-
{Cieeia walks up behind Sirhcnoc and bashes him in the head with the pipe, he falls over}
SIRHCNOC: I didn't mean THAT way!
CIEEIA: Sorry. I thought there was a BUG on the back of your head!
GREG: What made you think tha- {gets hit in the head by Cieeia's pipe}
CONCHRIS: Cieeia! Quit it! They're trying to help us!
INSTRUCTOR: YEAH! QUIT! IT!
CIEEIA: {jumps up a few inches} YIPE! That thing scares me...
SIRHCNOC: Ow... that is not a thing... he is a demon...
INSTRUCTOR: DON'T WORRY! ABOUT 75% OF THE HUMAN POPULATION THINK I'M SCARY! IT'S EVEN PROVEN IN THE WORLDWIDE NEWSPAPER {A newspaper flies onto the screen with the headlines reading "The Instructor Demon is the most scariest creature in the world" with the picture of Instructor yelling at a man, who is obviously scared} "THE WORLD"!
CIEEIA: O...kay...
CONCHRIS: Anyway, let's go after that doofus.
CIEEIA: Great... idea...
{Sirhcnoc and Greg get up from ground and follow Conchris and company off-screen, Hobs looks around and flies off towards the giant robot in the background}
{Cut to the Giant Robot that used to be Sirhcnoc's Lair on a Hill, alarms start sounding}
XAVIAN: DAMN! I was hoping that they wouldn't meddle with my affairs! YOU! SLAVE!
{A man wearing prison clothing runs in with a mop}
SLAVE: What?
XAVIAN: You're fired!
SLAVE: But I like working with you! Remember all the fun times we had...
{Flashback, sad music plays on a white background for a few seconds before cutting back}
SLAVE: Oh... no we didn't.
XAVIAN: But first, fetch me that packet of crisps or chips or WHATEVER THE HECK YOU CALL IT!
SLAVE: Fine! {throws up a packet of crisps labelled "Potato Chips: The Crisp!" and walks off}
XAVIAN: Ah, the perfect side-dish for {close-up} KILLING! {mashes a red button whilst laughing maniacally}
{Nothing happens}
XAVIAN: Ah. The blue button. Such a convenient button... NOT! {pushes the blue button and several robots pour out of the holes} KILL THE INTRUDERS! DON'T LET THEM REACH MY SECRET WEAPON! {The robots move out of the room as Xavian swings his chair around to look at the secret weapon} Soon, this world will be destroyed... AND LIFE WITH IT! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! {coughs}
{Creepy music plays whilst the camera slowly zooms in on the weapon shoruded in darkness. Fade to black}
