Con email.wue/rulesschmules

Summary

Conchris introduces a few new characters to the cast, and burns a rule book for no reason.

Transcript

{Fade into Conchris' living room, the main good characters (Cruroar, Cieeia, Mr. Person and Chrionroar) and the secondary characters (Some Guy and Some Other Guy) are sitting around the coffee table, Conchris walks in with a sheet of paper}

CONCHRIS: Ahem. Silence please... {pause, the chatter still goes on} I SAID QUIET!

{Cut to Chrionroar, who eats the boombox making the sound. It stops. Cut back to the living room again}

CONCHRIS: Ahem. Now that we've all settled, I need to start explaining why I called us all here.

SOME GUY: Dude... {puts up hand} I have a question.

CONCHRIS: What?

SOME GUY: Why did we not invite the villains? {puts hand down}

CONCHRIS: Simple, they're too much of a jerk to come around anyway, besides, they'll magically find out somehow.

CIEEIA: How?

CONCHRIS: Just by magic, Cieeia. By MAGIC. {A rainbow appears above Conchris' head with the words MAGIC imposed on it, it then fades away}

CRUROAR: So, what are you going to tell us? That the email show is cancelled?

CONCHRIS: No, nothing like that. I mean we still have material for another one hundred emails or so.
CRUROAR: {When Conchris mentions one hundred emails} WHAT?!
CONCHRIS: {continues on with his speech} Anyway, after we have moved here, I have noticed that the male to female character ratio has gone off the charts again.

CIEEIA: Male to... what now?

{Cut to the white board set up in the living room, the words "Male to Female Character Ratio = OVER 9000:1"}

CONCHRIS: {puts on a mortar and pulls out a stick} Male to Female Character Ratio. It's basically a balance of how many males are there to a female. If this goes over 3:1, that's bad news.

CRUROAR: {off-screen} But wouldn't Cieeia get a bonus for being the only girl in this email show?

CONCHRIS: NO!

{Cut back to the living room}

CONCHRIS: So anyway, I spent my time trying to find characters until I found out that I could contact the author somehow by breaking the fourth wall and asking for a few more characters.

CRUROAR: Why do we need more characters?!

CONCHRIS: Because diversity is fun. I sure hope this decision doesn't come back to haunt me someday. So anyway, I asked and he giveth. So here they are!

{Pan over to the doorway, the three characters are covered in shadow}

MIDDLE CHARACTER: Hey guys.

{Cut back to the living room, everyone gasps}

CRUROAR: Please don't tell me... one of them is a robot, am I right?

{A woman walks on screen}

WOMAN: {robotic voice} You are correct, I am Forest. Nice to meet you.

CRUROAR: Wait wait wait... YOU BROUGHT THIS CHARACTER BACK?!

CONCHRIS: Who says your memory suddenly comes back? Way to be out of character dude.

CRUROAR: Sorry... Err... Hello Forest... I'm Cruroar... Nice to meet you... Why did I just suddenly burst out that she was an existing character from before? She never even existed when I was here...

CONCHRIS: So now the balance is normal again.

FOREST: Agreed. Also you suck.

CONCHRIS: You can't say that! I invented you!

CRUROAR: Typical, the funny guy always invents the robot woman whose personality is set on sadist... WHY CAN'T IT BE SOMEONE LIKE ME FOR ONCE?!

CONCHRIS: Who says I'm the funny guy? I'm the main character of this whole she-bang!

CIEEIA: Well... Er... who are those two?

{Pan over to the other two shadowed characters}

CONCHRIS: {offscreen} Oh, I decided to bring some other secondary characters along for the ride. I forgot the names of them though...

{The two characters set out of the shadows, revealing another woman and an old man}

CONCHRIS: {pops his head up from below} Ah yes, meet Aria and Err.... Old Man...

OLD MAN: Back in my days, we used to introduce STICKS!

CRUROAR: {offscreen} Sticks huh? That sounds vaguely like my grandpa.

CONCHRIS: Yeah, I dunno why the author brought him in, he could be the guy that doesn't get enough screen time because all he talks about is sticks!

{Old Man whacks Conchris over the head with a stick}

OLD MAN: We used to beat people up with sticks!

CONCHRIS: That's the best idea ever. I'm using it.

OLD MAN: Do I get any royalties?

CONCHRIS: No. Now get out!

{Credit music starts playing, several words fly by quickly and are almost unreadable, after the credits have ended cut to a black screen reading "The End"}

ARIA: {off-screen} I don't get any lines?! That's dumb!

CONCHRIS: {off-screen} I completely forgot about the woman who is somehow ignored by almost half the characters. I hate the rules so much...

CRUROAR: {off-screen} Then burn them. Burn them good.

CONCHRIS: {off-screen} Maybe I will!

{A burning rule book flies onto screen, it burns for a while before turning into ash}

CONCHRIS: {off-screen} Now I'll never be haunted by rules again.

CRUROAR: {off-screen} You still have the guidelines to follow.

CONCHRIS: {off-screen} Whatever, now help me move this white board back to the office buildings.

CRUROAR: {off-screen} Why?

CONCHRIS: {off-screen} Because I 'borrowed' it.

CRUROAR: {off-screen} YOU STOLE IT?!

CONCHRIS: {off-screen} I most certainly did not! Sure, I had some office workers yell at me but still! It's borrowed!

CRUROAR: {off-screen} Okay, fine, I'll move your stupid white board back where it belongs...

{Cruroar and Conchris come on screen carrying the whiteboard, they quickly go off-screen in the same fashion they came in.}