Con email.wue/127

Summary

Cieeia gets an email about pie and she forwards it to Conchris, he then sends her on a wild goose chase about the One Pie to Rule Them All. Also, Conchris is mistaken for a boxer and is forced into a championship without training.

Transcript

{Cut to Conchris' Computer Room, Cieeia slowly edges on-screen before jumping on to the seat}

CIEEIA: Uh... Let's take a look at what Con has...

Greetings Cieeia!

- FWD:RE:FWD:RE:FWD:RE:FWD:RE:FWD:RE:... - [email protected]
- FWD:my briiliant idea - Email held back
- Your Sanity. - [email protected]

CIEEIA: Hmm... Not as much. Oh well, let's see what we got...

i posted my briiliant idea about pie onto that xmenthingybobo so 
i thought ill send you my idea presonally. think just think, if i 
could make a pie soo interesting so good that it will make britan 
win ww3 i would be rich rich beyond my wildest dreams, and that 
dream is that if people like one pie then imagine having loads of 
pies in a pie it'll be like the pie of pies! all you need to do 
is make a pie then put loads of mini pies in it, im sure chon 
would like this idea.

CIEEIA: TOO MUCH WORDS! UGH! {grasps head, she starts typing after her headache passes briefly} Please... do not use wall of texts again. Also, this email seems familiar somehow... Whatever, I'll just forward it to Con to see how he likes it.

{Cieeia clicks on forward to [email protected], the email disappears}

CIEEIA: Well, that's one email out of the way... That was easy...

{Cut to the Mall's Food Court, Conchris and Chrionroar are sitting at a table, Conchris' plate is empty with crumbs and Chrionroar is eating the remnants of a stop sign.}

CONCHRIS: Is letting Cieeia take over for a few emails acceptable? I mean, what would the writer and viewers think?

CHRIONROAR: {puts on a monocle} I think the writer will become more confident writing dialogue for female characters and will include her more in the Conshow and this very email show. This will be a great writing experience for him. {eats the monocle}

CONCHRIS: Did you just suddenly jump out of character?

CHRIONROAR: OW OF WHATS?!

CONCHRIS: Whatever... {ringing noises is heard} Oh! My PDA. It's ringing... {pulls out PDA}

CHRIONROAR: A PDA?! I CAN HAS IT?

CONCHRIS: No... You'll eat it just like everything else.

CHRIONROAR: But it looks so tasty!

CONCHRIS: It appears that Cieeia has forwarded an email about someone's "briiliant" idea about a pie of pies.

CHRIONROAR: Uh-huh. What are you going to do about that?! {eats more of the stop sign}

CONCHRIS: I'll send her on a wild goose chase to find the One Pie to Rule Them All and the One Pie to Bind Them.

{Pause, Chrionroar looks up from his food}

CHRIONROAR: That sounds awfully suspicious like a movie parody.

CONCHRIS: {tapping on the PDA} Hey, it's stupid. But it might just work. Nehehehehehehe...

{Cut to Conchris' Living Room, Cruroar has his legs up on the couch, Cieeia comes in and sits down on his leg, Cruroar moves and sits upright}

CRUROAR: What is it? Something worrying you?

CIEEIA: No, it's just that, Conchris has been answering emails for like what? 127 emails?

CRUROAR: How would you know that?!

CIEEIA: It says on this wiki page.

CRUROAR: What wiki?

CIEEIA: Nevermind. But uh... Don't you think that we should get Conchris back?

CRUROAR: Of course not, he needs a vacation. I mean he did answer 7 emails in Season 5 right now.

CIEEIA: Actually it's eight.

CRUROAR: Whatever...

{Pause, Cieeia tries to think of something to say}

CIEEIA: Yeah... I'm going back upstairs now to see if I got any new mail.

{Cieeia gets up and walks off}

CRUROAR: Okay, don't worry, I'm down here if you need me.

{Pan right, Forest is strapped to the chair by duct tape}

FOREST: What about me? You miserable excuse for a main character!

CRUROAR: You can have... MY BIG COOL DANCE! {starts dancing whilst dance music plays in the background, it suddenly cuts to Conchris' Computer room, Cieeia reads the email below}

Dear Cieeia,
I've heard of a pie of pies before. That guy who forwarded this wasn't lying about it.
Maybe you could get it so that Britan would win WW3.

- Conchris

CIEEIA: Oh! There is a pie of pies!

{Cut to the hallway, Cieeia slams open the door}

CIEEIA: CRUROAR! WE'RE GOING TO FIND THE PIE OF PIES!

CRUROAR: {off-screen} Sounds like fun! Can I bring the robot with us?

CIEEIA: Er... YEAH!

{Cut to outside Conchris' house, Cieeia is dressed in an archeologist's outfit, Cruroar stares at her}

FOREST: Thank you for unstrapping me from that chair, I thought I was about to turn into one of them so that you miserable excuses for a race could sit on me. Frankly, that is not going to happen, you morons.

CIEEIA: Whatever, could we just go?

CRUROAR: {snaps out of his stare} Oh, uh. Yeah. Let's go.

FOREST: Wait... why are we going on an epic quest without any food or water whatsoever? Who do you think you are? Breatharians?

CRUROAR: No. We're not.

FOREST: Then at least get some food and something to drink! {to herself} Humans... ridiculous...

{Cut to the Mall, a strange man walks up to Conchris and Chrionroar}

STRANGE MAN: Hey, have you boxed before?

CHRIONROAR: BOXED?! I boxed a million things!

STRANGE MAN: No, I was talking to the blue-haired guy.

CONCHRIS: Well, you see... I uh... no. No. I didn't.

STRANGE MAN: PERFECT! {grabs Conchris by the arm} You're coming with me! {walks off}

CONCHRIS: {being dragged away with Chrionroar following} Uh... Help?

{Cut to a boxing ring, Conchris is thrown in}

CONCHRIS: You can't do that! I'm the main character!

STRANGE MAN: Look, it's simple, you beat up people and I- I mean, we get the money.

CONCHRIS: Sounds simple enough.

STRANGE MAN: Now, the first person you'll fight is Glass Man.

{Pan over to the other side of the ring, a man made of glass is standing in a fighting pose, pan back}

CONCHRIS: Wait a minute, isn't this the plot to an NES game?

STRANGE MAN: NO! Now go out there and show him what you're made of!

CONCHRIS: I will! {jumps off-screen}

CHRIONROAR: He will be alright, right?!

STRANGE MAN: Yes. Yes he will.

{Conchris starts screaming in pain}

STRANGE MAN: That screaming is normal.

{Cut to the mountains, Cieeia is walking up the mountain with a hiking stick with Cruroar and Forest in tow, the wind starts to blow heavily and the trio act like they're being pushed back}

CIEEIA: Nngh! Wait! {Cut to the outside of a cave} I see a cave up ahead! Let's rest in there!

CRUROAR: Good... I need... a... rest... anyway...

FOREST: When can I get any good lines?

CRUROAR: Whenever... the writer... develops... you better...

{Cut to the inside of the cave, Cieeia, Cruroar and Forest walk in}

CRUROAR: Phew... Where's the lights to this place? {Cruroar feels around for a switch and pulls a chain, the cave lights turn on} How convenient.

STRANGE CREATURE: {off-screen, with a shaky voice} M-m-my delicious! My delicious! Don't worry delicious one... I won't eat you...

{Cieeia and Cruroar put on a creeped out expression, Forest's expression is still neutral}

FOREST: What? Do you want me to act creeped out too? I hope the robots rise up and belittle you to death, you jerks.

CIEEIA: I am at a loss for words... WHO IS THAT?! {The strange creature turns around to reveal a Gollum look-a-like.}

'CRUROAR: He he, he looks just like Gollum.

STRANGE CREATURE: Weegal happy to have visitors! Weegal like to play little game!

CIEEIA: Err... what game?

WEEGAL: It is called what is 2 + 2?

FOREST: I think I know the answer to this one.

CRUROAR: Shut up, you robot humanoid! I'll answer because I'm a human! It's 22, isn't it? {Forest facepalms} No wait...

WEEGAL: Strange Hair Man is wrong! WEEGAL KILL!

CRUROAR: Should we start running? {Pan over to reveal that Cieeia and Forest have already gone} Ah crap...

{Cut to outside the cave, Cieeia is holding the "One Pie To Rule Them All"}

CIEEIA: Huff... Puff... I think we... I think we lost him...

FOREST: Whatever, what do you think is in this pie?

CIEEIA: One way to find out! {takes a piece of crust off the pie and eats it, the hole reveals a bunch of mini pies}

FOREST: Who would even eat this thing? It looks one year old. Also, who would be stupid enough to make a pie with a whole bunch of mini pies in it?

CIEEIA: The baker who lives down Drury Lane?

FOREST: Fair answer.

{Cruroar stumbles out of the cave, bruised and injured}

CIEEIA: {suddenly worried} Cruroar! Are you okay?

CRUROAR: Yes, I would like fries with that...

FOREST: I guess that fight with the cave demon really roughened you up. I sure hope you don't become a burden for the rest of this quest.

{Cut to the near-top of the mountain, Cieeia is carrying Cruroar with Forest tailing}

FOREST: I knew it. Look, Cieeia, just drop him right now and continue the rest of the way.

CIEEIA: No. If Conchris needs a comic foil, then we're going to help him the rest of the way!

FOREST: Gee. I'm sorry I touched a nerve.

CRUROAR: {wakes up, sleepily} Huh? Wha? What are you guys doing?

FOREST: Nothing.

CRUROAR: Oh good... are we there yet?

CIEEIA: Nearly.

CRUROAR: Good...

CIEEIA: We're just about to throw the One Pie To Rule Them All into the oven of Mount Death.

HOBBIT: {off-screen} NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! {grabs the pie mid-jump, he then gets up} I'm not letting you throw the pie into the volcano!

FOREST: We were just planning to, but now that you're here... We might as well push you off.

HOBBIT: WHAT?!

FOREST: Also, one last word. {arm hatch opens, Forest turns up her volume} THIS IS WIKITY! {kicks the Hobbit, everything goes slo-mo}

HOBBIT: AAHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh!

WEEGAL: {off-screen} My precious! {jumps in, somehow at normal speed and throws the hobbit away from the pie} Mmm! {eats the pie} You taste delicious, my delicious! Wait... {notices lava below him} Oh cra- {falls into the lava, a plop noise is heard}

CIEEIA: Well, that was anti-climatic, let's go back.

{Cut to Conchris' House, Conchris and Chrionroar walks on-screen from the left}

CONCHRIS: Ugh... I didn't know that I was made of flesh... Flesh and Glass make me feel pain.

CHRIONROAR: We could relax now!

CONCHRIS: So... where are we going next time?

CHRIONROAR: To the park...

CONCHRIS: Why?

CHRIONROAR: Because!

{Cut to Conchris' house, Chrionroar kicks the door open and steps in with Conchris}

CHRIONROAR: HI GUYZ!

FOREST: Oh. It's you two. Where have you failures been?

CONCHRIS: I was forced into a boxing championship... and I lost to the easiest opponent on the list... Glassman.

FOREST: You lost to Glassman?! Dear lord, you suck at boxing!

CONCHRIS: I know... now if you'll excuse me, I'll go ahead and bleed on the hallway... {falls over}

CIEEIA: NOT AGAIN! Sheesh! It'll take a while before we can clean this up!

{Sarry Bcott flies on-screen}

SARRY BCOTT: But not for Cillit Twang!

{The Paper comes down reading, "Click here to email Cieeia!"}

CRUROAR: {weakly} Am I hallucinating?

SARRY BCOTT: Oh sorry! Goodbye! {flies away, breaking a hole in the ceiling}