Blue Lasermail/war

Blue Laser discusses his past wars.

Cast (in order of appearance): Blue Laser, Subtlefuge, Old Lady (voice only), Reynold's Brother,Blue Laser Minion, Redd

Places: Computer Room, Nana's Backyard, Stage, Snowy Field

Computer: Blasty 987

Date: Friday, March 5th, 2010

Page Title: Blasty 987: Warfare Edition!!

Transcript

BLUE LASER: I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Did he check six emails or only five?" Well, in all the excitement, I lost track myself. (brings up an email}

Dear Lou Blazer,
Were you ever enemies with any other organizations or people before the Cheat Commandos?
Is there anyone besides them that you are at war with now?
Don't look behind you,

John McCreepyface

{After reading "Lou Blazer", Blue Laser comments "Oh, it's one of those spoonmiser things."}

BLUE LASER: {typing} Well, John, I'm gonna take your advice and not look behind me. All that's back there is the wall and some leftover pizza. {clears screen} So anyways, I'm not at war with anyone besides the C.C.dos at the moment, but boy have I been in several wars in the past! In fact, I'm like a... Warlordinger. That's how many wars I've been in! I mean, who can forgot our territorial war with the Topplegangers?

{Cut to Nana's Backyard. Blue Laser and Subtlefuge are arguing.}

BLUE LASER: I don't care if your driveway is full! Get that tank off my lawn!

SUBTLEFUGE: Oh, please. I could move that tank a good five feet over and it still wouldn't be touching your property line!

BLUE LASER: This means war!

{The two grab their weapons and begin firing wildly.}

OLD LADY: {offscreen} My petunias!

{The scene pauses like a video tape.}

BLUE LASER: {voiceover} Or what about our brief war with Reynold's younger brother back in our band days?

{Cut to a stage. Reynold's brother and Blue Laser are arguing. Blue Laser is sporting a long black wig.}

BLUE LASER: No, I'm the main act!

REYNOLD'S BROTHER: Look, man, we had a deal. Blue Laser Band is the opening act, Jaded Teens is the headliner.

BLUE LASER: But no one cares about your band! They wanna see me! In the flesh! Not you and your misunderstood crybabies!

REYNOLD'S BROTHER: What was that!?

BLUE LASER: This means war!
REYNOLD'S BROTHER: {simultaneously} This means war.

{Cut back to the Blasty.}

BLUE LASER: {typing} But the best war I ever had was our snowball civil war against our own rebel soldiers!

{Cut to a snowy field. Blue Laser and two minions are hiding behind a snow fort with a pile of snowballs.}

BLUE LASER: Alright, men, they may have us outnumbered, {turns and throws a snowball} but we still {throws another snowball} have a chance! We'll split up and hit 'em from all {throws another snowball} sides!

BLUE LASER MINION 1: But what about the hostage, sir?

BLUE LASER: All they managed to take was Redd, and who cares about him?

{Cut to Redd, who is trapped in a cage made of snow.}

REDD: {singing} Somewhere, over the-

{Abruptly cut back to Blue Laser.}

BLUE LASER: Alright, on the count of three! One... two... RUN LIKE THE FREAKING WIND!

{The three take off in different directions. After a few moments they run back, covered in snow.}

BLUE LASER: Okay, that didn't work. Any other ideas?

BLUE LASER MINION 1: We could try making peace.

BLUE LASER: Fine, it's worth a shot. Anyone got a pen and some paper?

{The first minion grabs a pen and paper from his pocket and hands it to Blue Laser. Cut to a close up of the paper.}

BLUE LASER: {writing} Dear rebels, We sincerely apologize for any offense caused by the "taco salad incident." Please accept our apology, and stop trying to kill us with snow. K thanks, Blue.

{Cut back to a full shot of Blue Laser and his minions.}

BLUE LASER: Okay. Time to send this by carrier pigeon.

{Blue Laser attaches the treaty to a snowball and tosses it.}

BLUE LASER: Now we just wait for a response and-

{The snowball and treaty are thrown back at Blue Laser, hitting him in the back of the head and knocking him out. Cut back to the Blasty.}

BLUE LASER: {typing} I still don't know how that war ended, since I was in a coma for a week. I imagine my loyal minions defeated the rebels in a triumphant barrage of snowball glory, though.

{Cut to a full shot of the computer room. A Blue Laser Minion stands next to the desk.}

BLUE LASER MINION: Actually, sir, we surrendered two minutes after you were knocked out.

BLUE LASER: Oh. And what about the taco salad incident?

BLUE LASER MINION: They were right, sir. Its expiration date was in the early 70s.

BLUE LASER: Oh. Crap.

{Cut back to the Blasty. The Laserjet Paper comes down.}

BLUE LASER: Y'know, I really didn't feel lucky about this email...

Easter Eggs

• When Blue Laser mentions being a "Warlordinger", you can click on the word to see his business card.

Fun Facts

• Blue Laser's intro line and final comment are both references to the movie Dirty Harry.
• "Spoonmiser" refers to spoonerisms.
• The line "A lengthy battle's an incumbent's dream!" on the business card is a reference to the War Song in Sam & Max Save the World.