Blue Lasermail/debt

Blue Laser tries to dismiss his debt.

Cast (in order of appearance): Blue Laser, Lemmy, Gunhaver, A Cop

Places: Computer Room, The Living Room, An Offshore Bank

Computer: Blasty 987

Date: Mondar, March 15th, 2010

Page Title: Blasty 987!!

Transcript

BLUE LASER: Lucky number seven, here I come! {brings up an email}

Dear Mr. Laser,

We have found that you have been remiss in paying dues of 14 (Fourteen) dollars and 52 (Fifty-two) cents.
If you continue to not pay your outstanding debt, you will be subjected to a "Smash-Your-Blasty-Style Collection Agency."
Your friend,

Hearts Boxcars

{Blue Laser reads "(Fourteen)" as "AKA Fourteen" and "(Fifty-two)" in the same way.}

BLUE LASER: {typing} Look, Boxman, I know what this is! One minute I'm sending you fourteen bucks, the next I'm in an offshore bank scam with a Mongolian dentist and the police are closing in! You can't fool me! I don't got a bit of debt on me! Do I? Guess it wouldn't hurt to check....

{Blue Laser walks away. Cut to the living room. Blue Laser walks in holding a phone to his ear.}

AUTOMATED PHONE SERVICE: To check your debt, press 5.

{Blue Laser presses a button on the phone.}

AUTOMATED PHONE SERVICE: Please hold.

BLUE LASER: Argh! I hate being on hold!

{The phone begins playing the Cheat Commandos theme. Blue Laser screams.}

BLUE LASER: {angry} It's like, they want to make me hate them!

LEMMY: {over the phone} This is the IRS, how can I help you?

BLUE LASER: Lemmy!? Since when do you work for the IRS?

LEMMY: {over the phone} Since I got this shifty phone degree off the black market!

BLUE LASER: Look, I just need to know if I'm in debt.

LEMMY: {over the phone} Gimme a second...

{Crashing sounds are heard over the phone.}

BLUE LASER: Everything okay over there?

LEMMY: {over the phone} Yeah, uh, sure. Says here that you're in debt fourteen bucks and fifty-two cents.

BLUE LASER: What!? Are you serious?

LEMMY: {over the phone} Serious as a leprechaun on Patty's Day.

BLUE LASER: Ahhh! That Boxman was right! What do I do!?

LEMMY: {over the phone} I'd pay up if I were you!

BLUE LASER: Never! You can't get my money! Bwahaha!

{Blue Laser hangs up the phone and tosses it offscreen. He then walks to the couch and takes a seat.}

BLUE LASER: Haha! Blue Laser strikes again! Time for some TV.

{Blue Laser grabs the remote and turns on the television.}

TUCKSWORTH: {on TV} You can't avoid debt, Caleb!

BLUE LASER: Well, what a coincidence. I'll watch something else. {changes the channel}

DARTMOUTH: {on TV} I'll get that debt-dodger!

VILLAIN: {on TV} Ow! Pointy!

BLUE LASER: AUGH! Maybe I'll just read instead!

{Blue Laser turns off the TV and grabs a magazine from the couch cushions.}

BLUE LASER: Ooh, Villainous Villains Monthly! {opens the magazine} Let's see... "Notorious villain arrested for avoiding de-"

{Blue Laser screams and tosses the magazine offscreen.}

BLUE LASER: Okay, Blue, don't get all panicky. It's just fourteen dollars, that's it. Nothing major...

{Gunhaver suddenly appears floating in the upper right corner.}

BLUE LASER: Gunhaver!? What are you doing here?

GUNHAVER: I'm your conscience!

BLUE LASER: Eww, anyway I can trade it in for one of equal or lesser value?

GUNHAVER: Naw, I already tried.

BLUE LASER: Look, is this some kind of dumb dream?

GUNHAVER: Yeah, probably.

{A fadey border appears around the screen.}

GUNHAVER: Anyway, I'm here to tell you to pay off that debt!

BLUE LASER: Never! I'm a villain! I'm supposed to be in some type of debt!

GUNHAVER: Uhh, well, {scratches head} what if I told you I could haunt your dreams forever?

{The screen suddenly pops back to reality as Blue Laser screams. In reality he is sleeping on the couch. He suddenly wakes up.}

BLUE LASER: Oh man! I have got to pay that debt! I don't care about my villainous reputation! I'm paying!

{Blue Laser jumps off the couch and walks offscreen. Suddenly cut to an empty bank. Blue Laser is standing there along with Lemmy. Police sirens can be heard in the background.}

BLUE LASER: I should have known this would happen.

COP: {offscreen, over loudspeaker} Come out with your hands in the air! We're closing in!

BLUE LASER:' Since when are you even a Mongolian dentist, Lemmy?

LEMMY: Since I got this shifty dentistry degree off the black market! {holds up a degree}

BLUE LASER: This is gonna be a long day...

{The Laserjet Paper comes down.}

Easter Eggs

• At the end, click on Lemmy's degree to see Gunhaver on the phone with the phone service.

{Gunhaver is in the Cheat Commandos HQ, holding the phone.}
AUTOMATED PHONE SERVICE: Press 1 for Customer Service. Press 2 for Consumer Service. Press 3 for exchanges. Press 4 for hold.
GUNHAVER: Ooh! I'll take that one.
{Gunhaver presses a button. The Cheat Commandos theme plays over the phone. Gunhaver hums along with it.}

Fun Facts

• Dartmouth first appeared in the sbemail underlings.