Aruseus Emails/msw3

Cast {in order of appearance}: Tom, Axel, Tex, Austin, TJ, various RPG type monsters, Zarel, Aruseus, Chuck Norris (easter egg)

Places: Courtroom, Random Valley

Computer: None

Date: January 9th, 2009

Transcript

{Cut to the Courtoom, two officers carry off Axel}

TOM: So it was him all along. Murder, for attention.

AUSTIN: That's what happens when you don't get enough screentime.

TEX: What are they going to do to him?

TOM: Well, TJ decided that he didn't need Axel anymore, so they're going to throw him in a car crusher.

TEX: It's like a guillotine, but for androids.

TOM: Yup. And a guillotine wouldn't work anyway, he'd still somehow get his head reattached.

TEX: Speaking of which, random question. Austin, is that a mask or is your head just made of bone-NO THAT WASN'T MEANT TO BE AN INSULT.

AUSTIN: Well, truth is...it's a mask. As a memorial my race will wear the skull of their deceased parent on their head.

{Tom and Tex both stare awkwardly at Austin}

AUSTIN: WHAT?! It's just culture!

TOM: Speaking of deceased, now we have no more Arumail!

TEX: No more entertainment.

AUSTIN: No more idiocy.

{Tom glares at Austin}

TOM: Okay, I SAY WE BRING HIM BACK!

TEX: Yes...but how?

TOM: We go on some cheesy quest to collect some stuff and make a wish and crap that'll bring our buddy back!

AUSTIN: Or we could ask TJ.

TJ: {offscreen} I prefer the cheesy quest!

AUSTIN: Damn it!

{cut to a random valley}

AUSTIN: So why are we in this random valley?

TOM: We have to use the Komodo Map to find the seven Komodo Orbs! After that, we use them to summon the mighty dragon, Shinguard, who will grant us a wish, and then just wish for Aruseus to come back and BAM! Quest over.

TEX: Is this some obligatory anime reference?

TOM: Right! Because references are what make email shows go 'round!

AUSTIN: So what the hell do these even look like?

TOM: Well, Komodo Orbs are red orbs with a different number of squares ranging from one to seven. Collect all seven, and make a wish.

AUSTIN: Holy crap! A random encounter!

{The screen does a black spiral transition. The three heroes (Tom, Tex, and Austin) appear on an RPG-esque scene. The following messages appear}

Slime Appears!

TEX: {voiceover} Generic RPG enemy. Woo.

Tex attacks!
1 damage to Slime! (19/20)

TEX: {voiceover} Come on!

Tom casts Fireball!
1 damage to Slime! (18/20)

TOM: {voiceover} Damn, I suck.

Austin attacks!
467 damage to Slime! (-485/20)

TOM: {voiceover} What the?!

Slime has fallen!

TOM: {voiceover} Damn you, Austin...

Austin gained 30 XP!
Tex gained 20 XP!
Tex is now Level 3!
Tom gained 20 XP!

Your party collected a rusty dagger!
30G obtained!

{Cut back}

TOM: Well that was pointless!

TEX: I gained a level! Don't call it pointless!

AUSTIN: Wait...what's that?

{Pan to see the 2-square Komodo Orb}

TOM: A Komodo Orb! Let's get it!

{The three run on to grab it, but before they can, they freeze and the spiral transition comes up again}

{RPG BATTLE TIEM}

TOM: {voiceover} God damnit...

Dancing Rock appears!

TOM: What the f-

Austin attacks! 
679 damage to Dancing Rock! (-659/20)

Dancing Rock has fallen!

TOM: {voiceover} Can't we just skip this?

Austin gained 70 XP!
Tex and Tom gained no XP for being lazy asses!

TEX: {voiceover} HEY!

{Cut back}

TOM: So we got the first orb. Now what?

{Austin walks in holding the 3, 4, and 7-square Orbs}

AUSTIN: I just found 3 more.

TEX: Me too! {holding the 5, 1, and 6-square Orbs}

TOM: I guess it's time to wish!

{The three lay the Komodo Orbs down which start to glow.}

TOM: Arise, great dragon, Shinguard!

{Zarel starts falling out of the sky, wearing a Santa hat}

ZAREL: AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH-OOF!

{Zarel hits the ground and breaks apart}

TOM: Zarel, what the hell are you doing here?

ZAREL: There is no Zarel, only Zuul...I mean...Shinguard. {starts waving his arms around, in an ominous voice} And I will grant you threeeeeeeeeeee wishes. {normal} Wait, no, only one.

TOM: We want our friend back!

ZAREL: Oh! I see! Tell me when to stop as I read this list of rejected characters. Let's see... {puts on reading glasses} Hm...Garzel...Algernon...

TOM: {yelling} YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT!

ZAREL: {stares for a second and then continues to read} Roy, Roy Jr, Nick, Inner-

TOM: {furious} ARUSEUS, YOU DUMB SON OF A BITCH! BRING BACK ARUSEUS!

ZAREL: JEEZ! This is Komodo Orb Q, not "Tom and The Noid's PMS Hour..." Okay, fine.

{Zarel snaps his fingers, and then Aruseus, alive and well, falls from the sky and onto Tom}

TOM: OOF!

ARUSEUS: TOM!

TEX: Holy damn, he's alive!

ARUSEUS: I was dead?

AUSTIN: Yeah. Axel murdered you.

ARUSEUS: He killed me? That bastard!

TEX: Well, he died too.

ARUSEUS: Then I hope his soul forever BURNS IN THE FIERY CREVICES OF FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IN THE VERY REACHES OF THE DEPTHS OF HELL! {starts laughing manaically}

{The three stare at Aruseus awkwardly}

ARUSEUS: What?

{The Paper comes down, reading "Aruseus C. Parker, 1988-2008-2009"}

ARUSEUS: Is that supposed to mean something?

{The Paper prints further, reading "The third year is your rebirth date, fool."}

ARUSEUS: Oh! And I almost forgot! Happy belated 2nd anniversary to my show!

TOM: Wow. We've been doing the same song and dance for 2 years now.

{The End.}

Easter Eggs

• Click on Austin to see an extra RPG battle scene.

Chuck Norris appears!

Austin attacks! 
1 damage to Chuck Norris! (Infinity/Infinity)

Austin has fled!

TOM: {voiceover} Wimp.

Fun Facts (I ACTUALLY HAVE SOME!)

• A slime is a common enemy in some RPGs like Dragon Quest.
• The entire "cheesy quest" was a take on Dragon Ball Z. There are also a few similarities in names.

Komodo Orb = Dragon Ball

Komodo Map = Dragon Radar

Shingard (or Zarel) = Shenron

Komodo Orb Q = Dragon Ball Z

• Aruseus has come back! Woot.