1-Up Emails/email137

1-Up Email #137: "the end"

Summary: 1-Up is in yet another panic, believing that the world has come to an end simply because all of the pudding in the world has gone "extinct".

Cast (in order of appearance): Narrator, 1-Up, Stinkoman, News Reporter, Pan Pan, A. Jaro

Places: Stinkoman Headquarters, The City, The Tree, Abandoned Pudding Factory

Length: 195 Lines

Date: September 09, 2016

Transcript

{Fade from black. The opening shot would be of the planet Earth, and the camera slowly zooming in on it. As the narrator speaks, a giant pudding is simultaneously seen floating through space in the foreground.}

NARRATOR: In all of time and space, there is an equilibrium of deliciousness across the universe in which various snackfoods exist in balanced quantities. When one savoury dish or dessert is consumed, another is baked. That is the way it is and the way that it has always been. But, what happens when the balance is disturbed?

{The camera zooms in on the planet. 1-Up can now be seen sitting on a sofa in Stinkoman HQ. 1-Up quickly whips out his mobile phone, clicks on the "email app".}

1-UP: Insert some whacky and hilarious email pun here that is guaranteed to get a laugh.

{An email pops up, he reads it aloud.}

1-Up,
I regret to inform you that all of the pudding
in the world has gone extinct.
I hope that you will take this in stride and then
move on.
Swarthily,
A Jaro

1-UP: All the pudding in the entire world has gone extinct? Aw, well, y'know, that's okay. I've been meaning to go on a diet anyway. Thank you, Mr. Jaro, for informing me of this news. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your da--

{1-Up jumps off the sofa, eyes wide and twitching, as his whole body shakes violently and he starts running around in circles in front of the sofa.}

1-UP: We're gonna die, we're gonna die, we're gonna die, we're gonna die!

{Stinkoman casually walks in from the right side of the screen and just looks embarrassed at 1-Up's clear over-reaction.}

STINKOMAN: Kid, whaaaaaaaat are you doing? Isn't this perhaps a slight over-reaction?

1-UP: {getting down on his knees, tears streaming down his face} Tell me it isn't so, Stinkoman! Tell me it isn't so!

STINKOMAN: It's true. Look at that television screen over there that is conveniantly on for some reason.

{The camera would shift over to the left. A television screen now in view, with a news reporter on the screen, microphone in hand, standing in a what appears to be a resturunt.}

NEWS REPORTER: Let's get riiiiiiiiight into the news. I am standing here live in this restaurant, having a chicken sandwich for lunch and it is extremely tasty. Thank you for asking. {suddenly shifts focus to his earpiece} This just in! All types of pudding across the world have been erased from existence!

{A poorly made drawing would appear on-screen with the caption: "An artist's rendition of what a pudding might look like".}

NEWS REPORTER: And before anyone asks, this strange occurrence seems to only be happening to pudding and pudding-based foods specifically. Most other dessert foods, and food in general, are safe for the most part. In this reporter's personal opinion, pudding was never really that good anyway. I will not be losing any sleep, nor shedding any tears, over this day.

1-UP: DAMN YOU! YOU BURNT IT UP! YOU BURNED IT ALL TO HECK! IT'S THE LITERAL END OF THE WORLD! CATS AND DOGS! LIVING TOGETHER! MASS HYSTERIA!

STINKOMAN: Settle down! What's even the big deal?

1-UP: Didn't you hear the opening narration...?

STINKOMAN: No. The laws of cartoon logic dictate that we're not supposed to hear the squeeky disembodied voice before the start of each episode.

NARRATOR: Squeeky?

STINKOMAN: Shut up, Squeeky!

{1-Up moves his face super awkwardly close to Stinkoman's face, much to his surprise.}

1-UP: We don't have time for this! Where is the nearest pudding factory?

STINKOMAN: You mean the one that blew up ten years ago when you first started your email show?

1-UP: They never fixed that place?

STINKOMAN: Nope. Been abandoned since that incident happened.

{A visible slap would appear across Stinkoman's face and 1-Up twists his armless body, implying that he is being slapped across the face by 1-Up's invisible hand.}

1-UP: You fool! We don't reference past emails here at 1-Up Emails-dot-com! Can't you just leave the past far behind us, Stinkoman? Can't you just leave the past far behind?

STINKOMAN: But, weren't you just saying--

{Before Stinkoman can finish, 1-Up runs to the nearest window of Stinkoman HQ and jumps out of it. Cut to outside where we can see 1-Up falling from a distance as he screams out.}

1-UP: I HAVE TO SAVE THE PUDDING!

{A montage would then play accompanied by a sad song (of the reader's choice) in which 1-Up walks through the streets. He depressingly glances at posters that say stuff along the lines of "The Big Pudding Mystery: Does Anybody Care?" and "Chocolate Fondants Are Better Anyway!". He walks into his local grocery store and scans the aisles with his eyes, looking at where the pudding once were. The pudding is now gone, and only empty shelves where they once stood. As 1-Up steps out of the grocery store, it starts to rain, however 1-Up is too sad to notice and simply looks down to his feet with a pouty puppy dog face and anime-esque teardrops forming under her eyes. He continues to walk the lonely road. The people around him seem to be going about their daily lives as if nothing is wrong. He continues walking and walking and walking out of the futuristic city. He walks passed a lone tree (which used to be "The Stick" in 2005). He continues walking until he reaches the old destroyed pudding factory. He looks up at the broken sign that says "Pudding Factory" and sighs.}

1-UP: I guess it really is the end. The world has been purged of all pudding. I... I don't know what to do.

PAN PAN: {subtitled} Perhaps I have the answer.

{1-Up turns to see Pan Pan, eyes widened a little bit.}

1-UP: Oh, hey Pan Pan.

PAN PAN: Hey. You don't seem too happy.

1-UP: I'm not. The world that I once knew is now crumbling down and I don't know why. What is causing this worldwide shortage of pudding across the globe?

PAN PAN: Cheer up, pal. It's not that big of a deal.

{1-Up's eyes widen, and then he furrows his eyebrows angrily and slowly rotates his head toward Pan Pan, accompanied by a door opening sound effect as his head turns.}

1-UP: What. Did. You. Say?

PAN PAN: Umm, it's not like it's the actual, legitimate end of the world, right?

{The ground beneath Pan Pan and 1-Up spontaneously starts shaking, much to both of their shock, as parts of the abandoned pudding factory building in front of them starts coming apart more. 1-Up jumps to the right and pushes Pan Pan out of the way of some falling debris.}

1-UP: You were saying?

{As 1-Up says this, a rocket emerges from the building, flies up into the air slightly before it ceases flight and comes crashing back down into the ground. 1-Up and Pan Pan walk over to the rocket, confused. Inside is a Jaro.}

JARO: Ugh, my axels. Damn it, why didn't it work? I blame video games for lying to me about this sort of thing.

1-UP: Umm, what exactly is going on here?

JARO: Oh, my name is Jaro. Andy Jaro.

1-UP: Andy Jaro? A. Jaro? {1-Up looks into the camera, not amused} Seriously?

JARO: I suppose you're here because you discovered that it was I who stole all the world's pudding for my mega super awesome mega-ultra chocolatey smelling spaceship of awesomeness?

1-UP: WHAT?

PAN PAN: You're overestimating 1-Up's intelligence here. He once told me that he thought a moth was a really, really tiny bird.

1-UP: {gasps} It was so smol.

JARO: Wait. That's not why you're here? To stop my evil plan?

PAN PAN: {shrugs} Nah, not really. I'm pretty sure 1-Up vowed not to do any complicated storylines anymore.

1-UP: Truth be told, me being here was just one big coincidence. I had absolutely no idea.

JARO: Oh, well-- I guess you can have the pudding back. My pudding powered rocket ship didn't work out as well as I'd hoped.

1-UP: Wow, thanks Andy Jaro! That clears everything up! But, I just have one last question.

JARO: What would that be, Mr. 1-Up?

1-UP: Why didn't you just use regular old fuel?

{They would be a long pause of all three of them awkwardly looking at each other.}

JARO: Y'know what? It just never occurred to me.

PAN PAN: {facepalming} Of course it didn't.

{Cut to a black screen with white text on it that reads:}

NARRATOR: Next time on 1-Up Emails.

{Cut to 1-Up in front of an exciting spiraling background to cartoonishly imply he is exclaiming something. He is wearing a lei, a Hawaiin shirt and a vacation hat.}

1-UP: Who wants to go to Hawaii?

STINKOMAN: {happily} No.

{Cuts to a logo that says "1-Up Emails" as some kind of theme tune plays.The Paper comes down from the top of the screen. It says: "To email 1-Up, click here."}

Not So Fun Facts

• At this point I'm just writing 1-Up Emails in my spare time out of boredom. Do not expect them to become a regular thing. Also, do not expect to ever at all be taking any of this seriously.
• Despite the author claiming that he wouldn't make any references to past emails, he just threw in a reference to the pudding factory incident which happened back in email 20, appropriately titled "pudding factory".
• When writing the sad 1-Up walking montage, I kind of imagined something stereotypical playing in the background. Like, "I walk a lonely road... yadda, yadda, yadda".
• Pan Pan's dialogue is subtitled. Deal with it.
• A group of fish is called a school, a group of geese on the ground is called a gaggle and a group of bronies is called a disappointment.
• If you recognize the news reporter's first line in this email, you should feel ashamed of yourself.
• Andy is a name.