RiffText/Everything You Know Is Wrong/WWI//WWI/Captain Cook

Intro

{Noxigar is seen in an Old WWI Era Office, at a desk, along with Sephiroth at another. They are both Wearing Old WWI Army Uniforms.}

GENERAL NOXIGAR: Any news Captain Sephiroth?

LIGHTNING GUY: Sorry, I'm all out of News Captain Sephiroth.

CAPTAIN SEPHIROTH: None Whatsoever General!

LIGHTNING GUY: "That's Mr. Whatsoever General to you!"

{Door Knocks.}

NOXIGAR: Enter Soldier!

LIGHTNING GUY: {enters "Soldier" into the search bar} Got nothing but this page, General. NOXIGAR: {sinister} Excellent.

{Captain Sam The Man Enters}

LIGHTNING GUY: But I thought it was Door who Knocked.

NOXIGAR: Ah! Captain Sam The Man! What a Pleasant surprise! What are you here for?

SAM THE MAN: BAD NEWS GENERAL!

LIGHTNING GUY: Meet your long lost twin brother, GOOD NEWS GENERAL!

Army XIII Has been Completely Wiped out by a Betraying Officer!

NOXIGAR: {Angry} WHAT!? WHO DID THIS!?

SAM THE MAN: Private Roxas Sir.

LIGHTNING GUY: He betrays everyone, doesn't he?

NOXIGAR: I Never Trusted him. Capture him, and Bring him to me!

SAM THE MAN: I would, but he has escaped.

NOXIGAR: Drat! Well, make a search for him!

LIGHTNING GUY: {enters "Roxas" into the search bar} Got nothing but this page, General. NOXIGAR: {sinister} Excellent.

SAM THE MAN: Sir Yes Sir! {Leaves.}

SEPHIROTH: Roxas? A Murderer?

LIGHTNING GUY: {chuckles} That Roxas. Always killing someone.

NOXIGAR: It seems so.

{Cut to a Trench, Showing Cyrus, Im a Bell, and Garzel.}

CAPTAIN CYRUS: God, it's horrible in here!

LIGHTNING GUY: You don't know horrible until you've read this.

And to think, in any given Moment, Old Walrus Face Noxigar

LIGHTNING GUY: "That's Mr. Old Walrus Face Noxigar to you!"

could be giving us a mission to go over the top!

LIEUTENANT BELL: Oh Come on Captain! Even though we're living in crap,

LIGHTNING GUY: That's exactly what trenches are full of.

at least we're with friends! Hurrah!

CYRUS: {Monotone.}

LIGHTNING GUY: When was that ever a sentence.

Hurrah.

PRIVATE GARZEL: Whoa, you're in a bad mood Captain.

CYRUS: WELL I WOULD BE IN A BAD MOOD

LIGHTNING GUY: CAPTAIN

IF I WERE

LIGHTNING GUY: So, you aren't?

LIVING IN A CRAPHOLE

LIGHTNING GUY: EXACTLY WHAT TRENCHES ARE

WITH TWO IMBICILES!!

LIGHTNING GUY: And that guy over there who can't spell "imbecile"...hoo wee!

IM A BELL: You don't really mean that, do you Captain?

LIGHTNING GUY: "That's Mr. Do You Captain to you!"

{Major Znex walks over.}

MAJOR ZNEX: Greetings there, troops! How's the jolly old battle going, eh?

LIGHTNING GUY: Jolly, according to you.

CYRUS: Look out behind you, Major!

ZNEX: "Look out behind you, Major"? What kind of status is that?

CYRUS: Seriously, look out behind you!

{Znex turns up his invisible nose.}

LIGHTNING GUY: Get it? Because he doesn't have a nose.

ZNEX: I honestly don't know what you're talking about---

{The three duck down just as a shell explodes in Znex's face, killing him.}

LIGHTNING GUY: One down...

GARZEL: Well, that was a short cameo role...

CYRUS: Oh Crap!

LIGHTNING GUY: O Crap! Where art thou, Crap?

Garzel, get this corpse away!

GARZEL: Yes Sir!

{Garzel Leaves, and Comes Back, he starts carving something on a bullet.}

CYRUS: What's that you're carving Garzel?

LIGHTNING GUY: What's that? You're carving Garzel?

GARZEL: I'm carving my name sir!

LIGHTNING GUY: That's what he just said sir!

CYRUS: And Why?

GARZEL: You know they say, there's a bullet with your name on it...

CYRUS: Right..

GARZEL: I'm carving my name on it, because it would be unlikely, to be 2

LIGHTNING GUY: Commas

bullets with my name on it, but, If I own the Bullet with my name on it, chances are, I won't shoot myself.

LIGHTNING GUY: If he doesn't own the bullet with his name on it, though...

'CYRUS: Shame Really. {Looks at Im a Bell}

CYRUS: Bell, what are you reading?

IM A BELL: I'm reading the Daily Soldier! Insparational Stuff!

LIGHTNING GUY: Is it the Daily Soldier or Insparational Stuff?

CYRUS: Yes... Good for Toilet Paper I suppose...

IM A BELL: Hahahaha!! Good one Captain!

LIGHTNING GUY: {clears throat}suckup{clears throat}.

CYRUS: Bell, I am Serious.

LIGHTNING GUY: "Also, that's Mr. One Captain to you!"

IM A BELL: Oh..

{Phone Rings.}

CYRUS: Yes? Yes? I'll be there quick!

IM A BELL: What is it Captain?

LIGHTNING GUY: Apparently, Phone is Ringing.

CYRUS: General Noxigar wants me to come to his office. Probably a Suicide Mission to go over the top. Well, I'm off.

{Cut to the Office.}

CYRUS: Where's Noxigar?

SEPHIROTH: He's just doing something. {Eye Starts to Twitch.}

LIGHTNING GUY: Gee, Eye's getting as twitchy as me right now.

Ah! Here he comes now!

{Noxigar Walks in.}

NOXIGAR: Ah! Hello Cyrus! Baa!!

CYRUS: You wanted me sir?

NOXIGAR: Yes. You've heard of the Daily Soldier,

LIGHTNING GUY: Or Insparational Stuff,

right?

CYRUS: Eh, not really.

NOXIGAR: You'll be glad to know that the task I give you is not a suicide mission to go over the top.

CYRUS: Oh. That is good then.

LIGHTNING GUY: I've never had then before. Sounds like a delicacy.

What is it?

NOXIGAR: Are you or your privates good at art?

LIGHTNING GUY: Maybe. His privates painted weird stuff on my bed.

CYRUS: They're just as good as a bunch of Blindfolded Mice.

NOXIGAR: Shame really.

LIGHTNING GUY: Really shame.

If anyone there was good at art, they would be sent to Canada, for the rest of the war.

CYRUS: That reminds me! Have you seen the Blindfolded Mice Painting in Vienna?

NOXIGAR: So somebody is good at art then?

CYRUS: Yes!

NOXIGAR: Good! Because the mission is,

LIGHTNING GUY: To tell you how to punctuate sentences?

a painting for the daily soldier that is truly inspiring!

CYRUS: I'll have it right away sir!

LIGHTNING GUY: "That's Mr. Away Sir to"

{Leaves.}

{Cut Back to the trench.}