RiffText/Robuttnik

<!-- I believe I have gone insane -->

NAMINE: Now why would the author go insane from his own creation?

FOUR WORDS

SKULLB: Hey, all. Skullbuggy here! Some of you may not have been here to see this, but this is ROBUTTNIKS MEAN BEAN MACHEAN. A classic of its time, it has been restored for all to see, for all to marvel in its glory. This is the story of a man named Dr. REBOTNEK and his assistants, SKRATCH and GRONDER. These three men fought against the republic of Mobius, a land where singing and fun was overabundant. In his anger, REBOTNEK decided to make Mobius less happy by creating the Bean Steamer, a machine made to turn beans into robots. From there, it just gets more powerful. So sit back, relax, and stack some beans.

NAMINE: Looking at the final product it's not easy to take this synopsis and put it into the "Chepters."

CHEPTER WONE

SKRATCH GRONDER COME HERE

YES BOSS

DURRH WHAT IS IT

I HAVE MADE A BEAUTIFUL THING WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IT

WHY OF COURSE

I CALL IT THE BEAN STEAMER

DURRH WHAT DOES IT DO

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK

NAMINE: I'm just going to hazard a guess and say that the complete and utter lack of punctuation proliferates the punchline.

IT MAKES BEANS INTO ROBOTS

OBVIOUSLY

WITH THIS I SHALL RID MOBIUS OF HAPPINESS FOREVER

WHAT

NAMINE: Good question.

NOW I WILL SEND MY BEST TROOPS TO GUARD THE BEAN PRISONERS SO WE DO NOT HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS

GOOD THINKING DR. REBOTNEK

BUAHAHAHAHA

NAMINE: I wish Grounder had more lines. He's my favorite.

CHEPTER TOO

HELLO THERE GENTLEMEN MY NAME IS ERMS

IT IS BECAUSE I HAVE LARGE ERMS

IT IS A SUBTLE JOKE YOU MAY NOT HAVE UNDERSTOOD

I AM HERE TO PROTECT THE BEANS FROM BEING RESCUED

COME TO ERMS MY BEAUTIES

ONE SOUND THRASHING LATER

OH GOD I CANNOT WALK YOU WIN I GUESS

NAMINE: Wouldn't a better thing be "I NO LONGER HAVE ARMS TO HUG THESE BEANS WITH" or something along those lines?

<!-- Help! I'm trapped in a poorly thought-out collection of capital letters and I can't get out! -->

NAMINE: Is that a stray bean trapped in Robuttnik's machine?

HELLO THERE OLD BEAN MY NAME IS FRANKLIN

DO YOU GET IT

IT IS BECAUSE I AM LIKE FRANKENSTEIN

BUT I DIGRESS I MUST STOP YOU OLD CHAP

HAVE AT YOU

AFTER A LONG WHILE OF STACKING BEANS

NAMINE: Didn't Franklin have a huge hubris and make fun of Arms for failing to defeat you? That could've worked into something funnier, I wager.

I WAS SO VERY VERY WRONG

WHY HELLO SIR I AM HUMPDY

IT IS LIKE THE EGG STORY

HUMPDY DUMPDY SAT ON A WALL

YOU CATCH MY DRIFT CORRECT

GOOD FOR NOW WE MUST FIGHT IN A BATTLE OF WITS

HUMPDY DUMPDY HAD A GREAT FALL

NAMINE: No king's horses to pick the poor bloke up? That's sad.

MY INSIDES ARE GOING WHERE THEY SHOULDN'T

HELLO I AM COKONETS

DR. REBOTNEK HAS TRUSTED ME WITH GUARDING THESE BEANS

YOU WILL NOT LEAVE EURASIA ALIVE

NAMINE: ...Eurasia?

TIME SWIPE

OH JESUS CALL AN AMBULANCE

MEANWILE IN REBOTNEK'S LAB

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN HE KILLED COKONETS

COKONETS WAS MY ONLY FRIEND

WHAT ABOUT ME SIR

NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU AND YOUR ROOSTER TEETH

NAMINE: I dunno, I hear Noxigar likes RWBY a whole lot and Achievement Hunter's not too shabby.

You don't have to be such an asshole about it.

NEVERTHELESS THIS IS NOT OVER

SEND OUT THE TROOPS

CHEPTER TREE

<!-- Alright, in case you haven't figured it out this is a parody of Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine. It's a good game, really. I just went insane about halfway through. -->

NAMINE: "Parody" is a big understatement.

HOWDY PARDNER I AM DAVEY SPROKIT

DO YOU SEE MY COONSKIN CAP SIR

I AM A ROBOT DAVEY CROCKIT

BUT WE CAN TALK ABOUT THAT LATER

I MUST PIONEER SOME NEW TECHNIQUES

<!-- I kid you not, that last line was in the game. -->

NAMINE: I wouldn't be surprised.

ONE LOUISIANA PURCHASE-SIZED BEATING LATER

NAMINE: Aww, is Alamo too big for a proper beating of Davey Sprokit?

MY LEFT LUNG SEEMS TO HAVE FOUND NEW FRONTIER

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT FIELD

HOLY HELL WHAT AM I

I HAVE A PIG NOSE AND TWO WHEELS

I AM AN ABOMINATION

PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY

STACK SOME BEANS

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT

ALL YOU DID WAS STACK SOME BEANS

WHY AM I STILL ALIVE

HELLO SIR MY NAME IS

AND THEN HE EXPLODED BECAUSE HE IS DYNAMITE

NAMINE: Fun Fact: Dinamight is also the easiest robot to beat in Mean Bean Machine due to how suicidal his AI pattern is in the game.

DURRRH I AM GRONDER

YOU WONT GET PAST ME SIR

ONE FREESTYLE RAP BATTLE LATER

NAMINE: Aww, I wanted to hear this Freestyle Rap Battle. :(

OH GOD PLEASE NO MORE

THE BLOOD IS POOLING AROUND ME AS I SPEAK

BACK AT REBOTNEKS HOWSE

GRONDER WAS JUST MURDERED IN COLD BLOOD SKRATCH

WHAT A WAY TO GO HUH DR. REBOTNEK

BUT THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING OF THE END

WHAT DO YOU MEAN SIR

WE HAVE MORE IN STORE

READY WAVE THREE

WE WILL BE VICTORIOUS

CHEPTER FOR

YO YO YO WHAT UP

I FORGOT MY NAME

BUT WHATEVER

LET'S BATTLE YO

NAMINE: I'm pretty sure his name is Spike. "Plock" is a good alternative though, given how generic "Spike" is as a name for pretty much anything.

ONE EXTREME MACRAME COMPETITION LATER

BOY I GOT SCHOOLED

IT HURTS VERY BADLY

DOMO ARIGATO

NAMINE: Thou art in need of proper character speech patterns, Lord Skullbuggy.

MY NAME IS SIR F-FUZZY LOGIK

HOLY HELL IS THAT MY REAL NAME

NAMINE: Yup.

GODDAMN

WHATEVER I AM A SAMURAI

I WILL BEAT YOU

豆の積み重ね

NAMINE: I could plop this over to Google Translator but I'm fairly certain I don't really care of what it's saying.

I HAVE FAILED

I AM COMING, ANCESTORS

A AAAAAAA AAA

AAA AA A AAAAA

AAA AAAAAA AA AAAAAAAAAA

CUT: REBOTNEK'S LAB, INT., DAY

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU KNOW ABOUT POPCORN SKRATCH

BUT I DIDN'T SAY ANYTH

YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH YOU MUTANT

THATS BETTER

THEY ARE GETTING CLOSER

WE MUST DEFEND OURSELVES SKRATCH

WE MUST READY OURSELVES FOR THE FINAL BATTLE

CHEPTER FIFE

SIR I SHALL GO AND STOP THE INTRUDER

COMMENDABLE SKRATCH

MAKE DADDY PROUD

THAT'S RIGHT

COME AND GET SOME

NAMINE: Get some what? Beans?

"Fine... I will."

WHAT

WAAAAUUGH STOP STABBING ME

GYAAAAARGH

AAAAARGH

GYAAAAAH

AAAH

SKRATCH DIED

"Heh... what a pushover."

SKRATCH HAVE YOU DISPOSED OF THE INTRU

SKRATCH NO

WHO DID THIS TO YOU SKRATCH

"I did."

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU

"I have no name. Some people call me... Solid Snake."

NAMINE: Suddenly a good idea for a crossover crashes into a forest via blimp.

I DONT GIVE A CRAP

"Whatever the case, I'm here to stop you, Robotnik... or should I say... brother?"

EXCUSE ME

"You don't know, do you?"

OF COURSE NOT JUST TELL ME

NAMINE: Oh, brother.

"Dr. Robotnik, you and I were part of a project. A project called..."

"Las Habas Terribles."

LAS HABAS TERRIBLES

"Las Habas Terribles."

NAMINE: I'm suddenly humoured.

"It was a government project to create the perfect super soldier."

"The project spawned two children. One had the flawed genes, and one had the perfect genes."

"You... you were the perfect one."

OH REALLY

"Yes. You were to be mass-produced in order to create an army of super soldiers..."

"... who can consist on nothing but baked beans."

"I'm here to stop you from becoming mass-produced. I'm here..."

"... to save you."

"Do you want to be saved, Dr.? Do you?"

YES BROTHER

"Alright, then..."

{click}

"Any last words, Dr.?"

I HATE THAT HEDGEHOG

NAMINE: It's too bad Sonic never showed up.

"Goodnight... Dr. Robotnik."

{BOOM.}

NAMINE: Oh, here's this huge gap for no real reason.

you say you want an explanation

NAMINE: No, not really.

I played Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine very recently. Though I did, honestly, really like the game, the story was unbelievably stupid. In a burst of inspiration, I decided to make a story about it in all caps.

NAMINE: Yeah, I can agree the story was pitiful. Not really sure you did it any justice, though.

Eventually I was plagued with the decision of how to end it. Naturally, I gave it the MGS ending. So that explains a lot, huh?

NAMINE: Not really. Then again, I wasn't really curious about Robuttnik. I just got a few cheap laughs while reminiscing about playing Mean Bean Machine a few years ago myself. It was fun, although some bosses were truly tedious.