RiffText/AruseusEmails/virus2

Oh, the Homestarmy? Yep, we're doomed.

Cast (in order of appearence): Aruseus, Alpha Stan, Glitched Stinkoman 20X6 Enemies, Lyle, Dylan, Foxx, Pter, Tom, Various FCUSA Residents, Strong Sad, Strong Bad, Homestar, Robstar, Roy Rukario, Ert Plus, Fang, Kyubii, Roy Jr, Homsar, Strong Mad, Ekersby, Homestar Tiger, Homestar Cheetah

NAMINE: This is the largest cast ensemble Arceus has put together.

Places: Computer Room, Outside TLA House, Lyle's Room, Foxxhole Outside, The Field, The Stick, A Prison,

NAMINE: They aren't perfect, but that's alright!

Fight Chamber, Tom's Room

Date: June 23, 2007

Computer: A-Tech 950, T-Comp 400X

Transcript

PART I: The Virus Emerges

ARUSEUS: Oh man, Alpha Stan. I have the oddest feeling something bad is going to happen.

NAMINE: "We're almost near 50 emails, so theoretically something special would occur. Alas, we're not quite there yet!"

Quit worrying Aruseus.

NAMINE: "Please program me with commas Aruseus."

ARUSEUS: Ok, Stan. I'll try to keep my cool on this one.

Ok. You have 1 new email.

ARUSEUS: Here goes nothing. {Clicks the email icon}

Subject:???

ert+
y76p; '0lu8jykee;u4p;e'/Rh
Aruse15456`-------++++++gf

+++++-//==========/*8901ikg

NAMINE: LET'S RIP OFF THE SAME EMAIL THAT WE RIPPED OFF... was it twice before or once?
NOXIGAR: I'll double-check later.

ARUSEUS: What the!? What is this garglemesh?

Slow up, Aruseus. I'll translate it.

ARUSEUS: Ok. Just stay calm...don't panic.

NAMINE: A semicolon would be nice every once in a while; it'd save you the trouble of William Shatner ellipses.

Sender recognised as Ert-

{The A-Tech's screen goes static.}

ARUSEUS: Alpha Stan? A-Tech? Can I get a witness? Hold on, Alpha Stan! I'll save you!

{Aruseus opens the disk drive, black pixels shoot out and fly out the Computer room's windows, and Aruseus carefully removes the Alpha Stan disc and runs. Soon, the A-Tech's screen blows open and a bunch of glitched up versions of Stinkoman 20X6 enemies run out. They look like normal enemies, except flat as paper and inverted.}

GLITCH-JARO: {crackling noises} Hyuwrislkdf!

NAMINE: Ripping off "virus" isn't enough! We totally need to shoehorn more Homestar Runner references we haven't already butchered to death

{Cut to the outside of the TLA house, which is all pixelated}

ARUSEUS: How the crap am I going to escape this? Even worse...

{Aruseus' eyes get wide}

ARUSEUS: OH CRAP! Tom maybe out getting groceries, but Lyle is still in there! I have to save him.

{Aruseus rushes back into the house, dodging Glitch-Browntants and Glitch-Reids one of which turns Aruseus' leg into a broom}

GLITCH-BROWNTANT: ALL YOUR BASE.

GLITCH-REID: ARE BELONG TO US.

{Noxigar can be heard screaming in anguish.}
NAMINE: I'm sorry, it's coming from the email!

ARUSEUS: Can it, glitches.

NAMINE: A clever line. What a rare thing in Arceus Emails!

{Cut to Lyle's Room, Lyle is asleep, Aruseus rushes in}

ARUSEUS: LYLE, WAKE UP!

LYLE: Meh?

ARUSEUS: Good! You don't seem to be affected by the virus.

LYLE: Actually...

ARUSEUS: The virus made you speak English?

LYLE: That's not that bad.

NAMINE: Yes! Lyle speaks English! The Cheat can sleep in peace knowing there are no stupid imitators!

{Suddenly, Aruseus' broom/leg falls over}

ARUSEUS: Crap. I can't hop my way through the house again, looks like we're gonna hve to jump!

{Aruseus points to a window. He grabs Lyle and jumps out, They land safely}

LYLE: You okay?

ARUSEUS: I could care less about myself. As long as you are ok.

{Suddenly, Aruseus is tackled by Glitch-Greggoes and Glitch-Grundies. The enemies jump away, Aruseus is comepletely black, and his shape morphs into a more humanlike shape}

ARUSEUS: Ungh...what happened?

LYLE: Holy carp...

{Human Aruseus gets up}

ARUSEUS: ARGHBL! I'm human! Well, at least I have my other leg back. I guess it couldn't be that bad.

NAMINE: Hate to break it to you, but I'm pretty sure that's your genitals.

LYLE: We better warn the others...um...Dylan.

ARUSEUS: Dylan?

LYLE: You needed a human name.

DYLAN: Right...

NAMINE: "I'm probably going to get sued by NachoMan, but whatever!"

PART II: Whaddya Mean I'm Human?

DYLAN: So...whaddya mean I'm human?

LYLE: You never know what a virus could do to you.

NAMINE: I'm pretty sure viruses don't do that to Pokemon.

NOXIGAR: But can they do that to Nobodies?
{Beat}

NAMINE: No. Shut up.

DYLAN: Oh. Well, I guess we should warn the others.

NAMINE: What others?

LYLE: Duh.

DYLAN: Um...Lyle? Look.

{The two look up to see there is a glitchy cloud formed from the black pixels hovering above Free Country USA. Soon they see Bubs' Concession Stand, Strongbadia, and Marzipan's house dissolve into pixels, which are sucked into the cloud}

NAMINE: I get the feeling they took this from Strong Bad's Cool Game For Attractive People.

LYLE: Crap. We should move.

{Cut to the Foxxhole, Dylan knocks on the door, Foxx comes out}

FOXX: Who the pfargtl?

DYLAN: It's me, Aruseus. I'll explain later why the carp I'm human.

NAMINE: KARP KARP MAGIKARP

FOXX: Why are you here?

DYLAN: {sarcastically} Oh, we're just here to hang out and completely ignore that pixel cloud that's {starts yelling} SCREWING UP THE ENTIRE FREAKIN' WORLD!

FOXX: No need to yell.

DYLAN: Ok, fine. If you won't take this seriously, we will leave you here.

FOXX: Ok.

LYLE: Dylan!

NAMINE: But he's completely fine... with that.

DYLAN: All right, we'll take him along.

{They walk off}

{Cut to Pter and Kyubii's house, Pter dashes out of the door and runs into Foxx, knocking the two of them over}

PTER: Oof!

LYLE: Nice.

PTER: What the!? Did you just-

LYLE: Virus.

PTER: Another one? Man! These are too frequent! Last time I started running with Fang's legs! Who knows what could happen now?

FOXX: Well, Lyle seems to have gained the ability to speak English rather than Cheatese,

{Namine groans}

and Aruseus is human!

DYLAN: Yo.

PTER: Well, we better motor.

NAMINE: What?

The others are in danger! Kyubii's gone! He all of a sudden just dissolved!

FOXX: Ok. Let's move.

{Cut to The Stick, Tom is on the ground panting}

DYLAN: TOM!

FOXX: Is he ok?

{Tom's eyes open, but instead they are pure red, no pupils}

NAMINE: oh shit he's possessed

NOXIGAR: No. Tom doesn't have golden eyes, let alone elven ears.
{Beat}

NAMINE: Dude, no. Just, just, no.

TOM: RAH!

{Tom releases a shockwave that blows back the three}

TOM: {voice slightly disorted} You three are inferior to the power of the master. I will take you to him to decide your fate...

NAMINE: I'm rooting for Arceus, but only because Tom's master gave him robotic dialogue.

{Aruseus, Pter, Foxx, and Lyle all freeze and start levitating, Tom flys away with the four to the glitchy cloud}

Part III: Prisoners

{Cut to a prison, Tom throws Dylan, Lyle, Foxx, and Pter into a wireframe jailcell onboard the cloud, which appears to be a giant half-wireframe spaceship. Their arms and legs are shackled, though Pter has just his arms shackled. Inside are various non-virused members of Free Country USA.}

TOM: Welcome to your new home. Free Country USA will be no more.

NAMINE: "It will be the new home of the Daleks. We will EXTERMINATE YOU ALL"

{The door is shut}

PTER: Man, this is depressing.

NAMINE: I agree.

STRONG SAD: I don't know, I kinda like it here...

{Strong Bad punches Strong Sad}

STRONG BAD: Shut it, crap-gut.

NAMINE: Well-said

{Cut to another view of the cell, with Homestar, Roy Rukario, and Robstar}

HOMESTAR: Well, we have to plan our escape!

ROBSTAR: Homestar's right. I can't check emails here!

NAMINE: {imitating Arceus} Who da fuck is you?

ROY: And how do you suppose we do that, Homestar?

HOMESTAR: Well, it's pretty complex, but we need the power of an orange bowl and a wooden spoon...

NAMINE: Finally, Arceus acknowledges Homestar's hidden intelligence!

{Cut to another corner, with Dylan and Ert Plus}

ERT PLUS: Oh, the Homestarmy? Yep, we're doomed.

DYLAN: And this wouldn't of happened if you hadn't sent me that email!

ERT PLUS: What!? I had nothing to do with this!

DYLAN: Lies! Alpha Stan said the sender was Ert, and then it just stopped! Ert Plus here is the only Ert I know!

{Cut to another corner, this time with Fang, Kyubii, and Roy Jr}

FANG: Guys, calm. No need for grudges here. If we want to escape, we need to work together.

NAMINE: Ah, the common cliche.

KYUBII: Anyone have any ideas?

ROY JR: Homsar! Use Squeaky to get those keys!

{Cut to a corner of the cell by the bars, some keys lay on the outside}

HOMSAR: DaaAaaAaaAaahm your genie in a bottle...

HOMSAR: Come over and rub me the right way.

{Beat}

NAMINE: Okay, what the actual hell did that have to do with anything?

{Squeaky "grabs" the keys and brings them to Homestar, who scuttles his way towards the others, freeing them of their shackles.}

{Everybody stands up, free from their shackles}

EVERYBODY: Yeah!

ROY: Ok, now since there are no keys visible to open the door, we need brute strength to get everyone through that-

{crash}

ROY: Never mind. Strong Mad did it.

STRONG MAD: I'M THE HERO MAN!

NAMINE: I would sing Iron Man here, but this would be an opportunity wasted. I'd rather sing Black Sabbath when I am not riffing this email.

PTER: Now what?

DYLAN: We go give Tom a chock full of Free Country USA power.

FOXX: But his virus powers, they're too strong.

NAMINE: Computer viruses don't work that way

ROBSTAR: Foxx has a point. These powers won't mess us up, they might kill us.

DYLAN: Still, it's...um...a lot...to one here. It's like having extra mans in a video game.

NAMINE: If people ask where Arceus is going when he randomly charges forward and he says "I'm getting a life" I will have an aneurysm induced by stupidity.

STRONG BAD: So what are you waiting for? Let's go!

ROY JR: Right.

{They all run to a chamber, where Tom stands before them}

TOM: So I see you have escaped. No matter, I'll just kill you here and-

STRONG MAD: DAH! {decks Tom}

{Suddenly, a black spirit leaves Tom}

ROY: That was easy.

TOM: Unh...thanks guys. But it's not over.

{The black spirit begins absorbing pixels, gradually taking the shape of a familliar glitch}

???????: You have to fight me. The MASTER...

{colored pixels attach to the "black spirit", revaling....}

NAMINE: revealing

PTER: It's YOU!

NAMINE: It's who?

Part IV: The Final Battle

???????: Yes, It is I, EKERSBY!

TOM: How cliche...

{Namine laughs}
NAMINE: You're telling me

ERT PLUS: Aw crap, it's Ekersby. NOW WE'RE ALL SCREWED!

{Homestar tiger runs by}

HOMESTAR TIGER: WHEEEEEEEEE!

{Homestar tiger runs into a wall.}

LYLE: Aah!

DYLAN: He always does that.

NAMINE: Yes, yes he does.
NOXIGAR: I don't ever regret turning Homestar Tiger into a chair.

{Lyle looks at Dylan.}

EKERSBY: Anyway, you may have escaped the cell, but you cannot escape your doom.

{Ekersby fires a a beam at Lyle, who barely dodges it}

LYLE: ATTACK!

{Various people swarm over Ekersby doing random things, and Ekersby shakes them off}

EKERSBY: ENOUGH!

{All of them fly to the ground}

EKERSBY: You pesky ants have tried my patience too much! Now you will-

{Suddenly, Ekersby is covered in a blue aura and begins flickering}

EKERSBY: Wha!? NO! How could someone defeat me...

{Ekersby dissolves into pixels with a static noise, leaving a flying hovercraft where he was, it zooms in to reveal Homestar Cheetah driving}

HOMESTAR CHEETAH: Anti-Pesto Virus Control service, how may we help?

NAMINE: What?

{Everyone cheers}

NAMINE: "An anti-climax happened!"

FOXX: Hey! Look!

{Everyone runs to a window to see Free Country USA returning to normal}

LYLE: Yeah, our homeland is re- {Cheat noises}

{Aruseus returns to his normal self}

ARUSEUS: Yay! I missed my tail so much!

NAMINE: "Screw being a human! A Pokemon intended to be a demigod is totes superior in every way just because I have a tail!"

ROY: Idiot...

{The spaceship starts shaking}

HOMESTAR TIGER: Hey, bro! We need a ride home! This viral fortress could collapse into junk data any minute now!

NAMINE: Realistically, that virus will probably just flip you off, causing a satellite to crash and fall on top of you.

HOMESTAR CHEETAH: Ok, but it'll cost ya a quarter of your allowance!

HOMESTAR TIGER: Aw, peas!

{Everyone laughs except for Homsar}

HOMSAR: AaaaAaaaaAaaahm the allowance on the peanut-brand woodchuck...

HOMSAR: AaaaAaaaAaaaAaaa- this straight construct only warrants sanctuary alongside you
{Namine stares at Homsar silently}

Part V: Return to Normalcy...sorta

{Cut back to the Computer Room, Aruseus and Tom are staring at the A-Tech}

TOM: Well, I guess it's goodbye for the A-Tech...

ARUSEUS: And as for Stan?

TOM: We can try my computer.

NAMINE: How about you just let the character bugger off? Your cast is officially too big as it is for this email show's writing quality. You can probably let a couple characters either stay dead or just not involve them so prominently in your emails.

ARUSEUS: Ok.

{Cut to Tom's Room, the two are at the T-Comp 400X}

ARUSEUS: Here goes...

{The computer makes some startup noises, but then explodes}

TOM: Well that sucked.

ARUSEUS: I guess we need a new thing to say that end message...

TOM: How about a new inkjet printer?

ARUSEUS: Ok!

{Cut back to the Computer Room}

ARUSEUS: How's it going up there?

TOM: Almost done...and...

{The Paper 2.0 comes down, reading, "Click here to email Aruseus" It has the same key and envelope, but Aruseus is in it rather than Strong Bad}

ARUSEUS: Nice! I especially like the "clonk-a-donks."

NAMINE: What "clonk-a-donks," pray tell?

TOM: Yeah, shut up, kid.

ARUSEUS: Now all we need is a new computer.

NAMINE: See you hopefully never!

Easter Eggs

• Click on the keyboard key to see an advert for the Inkjet Printer.}

NAMINE: No.

Fun Facts

• Dylan would be Aruseus in Reality is a Harsh Mistress.

NAMINE: If only I cared about Reality is a Harsh Mistress...

• Homestar Tiger's first line was actually suggested by Homestar Tiger.
• "Clonk-a-donk" was one of the many onomonapieas

NAMINE: Say it with me now: onomatopoeias

that Strong Bad said in SBEmail: the paper.

• Tom's last line is a reference to The Thnikkaman.

NAMINE: "A reference to the Thnikkaman that is neither needed nor tactful!"