Conshow/christmas

Summary

Mayor Spyden tells us a Christmas story starring those crazy guys!

CAST: Mayor Spyden (Voiceover only), Conchris, Cieeia, Forest, Cruroar, Sirhcnoc, Instructor, Mecha-Santa (Project C.L.I.C.H.É), Santa, Greg the Reindeer Yffulf (as a Reindeer)

Transcript

{Cue intro. Halfway into the intro, it stops and fades away to a bird's eye view of Conchris' house with snow falling everywhere}

MAYOR SPYDEN: Hello again, children... I am Mayor Spyden, but feel free to call me... Uncle Spyden. I'm here to tell you a story... a story about our favourite people... in this town... city... It was not long ago when our friend, Conchris, as per usual, had nothing to offer in presentsssss... as he is... {the scene shifts to Conchris' House - Basement, Conchris is locked in a cage with a stop sign over the lock} trapped in a cage... but it's not only that... but his heart was two sizes... too small...

CONCHRIS: {faces the camera} Yeah, and your {censored} is two sizes too small!

MAYOR SPYDEN: My my, what naughty language...

CONCHRIS: {feigning innocence} I'm ever so sorry! I didn't mean to try and hurt your feelings, mister.

MAYOR SPYDEN: That's better. Anyway, this is where our story begins... we should... leave events on their own...

CONCHRIS: {turns to face the door of the cage and sighs} I sure wish I could get out of this cage. Too bad that there will be no mis-fired laser to help me.

{Pause}

CONCHRIS: I SAID, "TOO BAD THAT THERE WILL BE NO MIS-FIRED LASER TO HELP ME!"

{Cut to Conchris' House - Kitchen, Forest is aiming the arm cannon of hers at the turkey}

CIEEIA: Are you even sure that it would work? I mean, we could just put it in the ove-

FOREST: I'll put your face in the oven in a minute! Now shut u- {mis-fires a laser}

{The laser bounces off the shiny surface, and then a mirror that Cruroar was carrying, making him almost drop it from surprise, and then hits a window and then finally bounces down into the basement and breaks the lock on the cage, Conchris falls out of the cage because of the recoil}

CONCHRIS: Ow... {gets up and walks upstairs into the living room} Ha ha! Free at last! Now I can do all the things that I wanted to not do! Like... uh...

CRUROAR: Not helping us with the Christmas dinner?

CONCHRIS: Great idea! {suddenly realises what he had agreed to} DAMN IT! I was so close this time!

CIEEIA: Relax! Christmas comes once a year! Besides, when this holiday blows over, we'll probably forget about it anyway.

CRUROAR: What she said.

CONCHRIS: Grumble. Mumble. Dumble. Womble?

CIEEIA: Don't grumble to me, mister! Now march right into that kitchen right now. {points towards the kitchen in an affirming stance}

CONCHRIS: {sulks off to the kitchen} Yes, miss... {grumbles incoherently}

{Zoom out of the house to reveal a bird's eye view of the house again, the scene slowly shifts over to Sirhcnoc's Lair on a Hill}

MAYOR SPYDEN: Meanwhile... our resident villain was making... preparations of... his own...

{The scene slowly shifts to Sirhcnoc's Lair on a Hill - The Lab, Sirhcnoc is wearing a welder's mask and is leaned over a robot, Instructor comes out of a portal to Hell (which somehow has frozen over) wearing a scarf and a wooly hat}

INSTRUCTOR: HEY, SIRHCNOC! LONG TIME NO SEE!

{Sirhcnoc drops the welder and looks towards Instructor. He lifts up the welder's mask to reveal his slightly charred face}

SIRHCNOC: Oh, hey... What's with the frozen portal?

INSTRUCTOR: OH, HELL FROZE OVER AGAIN. IT APPEARS THAT SOMEBODY DID AN IMPOSSIBLE ACT THAT WAS THOUGHT TO BE IMPOSSIBLE BUT ISN'T.

SIRHCNOC: Let me guess... some loser got l-

INSTRUCTOR: PRECISELY. NOW WE HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE REST OF THE MONTH UNTIL HELL RETURNS TO NORMAL, SO, I NEED A PLACE TO CRASH FOR THE MONTH. CAN I STAY AT YOUR LAIR?!

SIRHCNOC: No.

INSTRUCTOR: WHY NOT?!

SIRHCNOC: First off, you're a demon. Second of all, you'll scare my servants. Third of all, I don't have enough room.

INSTRUCTOR: OH COME ON! I THOUGHT WE WERE COOLIOS! YOU KNOW?! BROS?

SIRHCNOC: {sighs} Fine, you can sleep down here for the month.

INSTRUCTOR: YIPPEE!

SIRHCNOC: As long as you don't say that word again/

INSTRUCTOR: SORRY SIRHCNOC!

SIRHCNOC: Okay, now, let me finish Project G.E.N.E.R.I.C.

{Sirhcnoc gets back to work on the robot, Instructor looks around, confused}

INSTRUCTOR: WHAT DOES THAT STAND FOR?!

SIRHCNOC: {sighs} Generic Electronic with Naughty Evil Ridiculous chrIstmas plans, Cee.

INSTRUCTOR: CEE?!

SIRHCNOC: Shut up, making up words for acronyms is hard enough as is.

{Sirhcnoc continues to work on the robot, Instructor looks about and picks up a small box, he looks at it}

SIRHCNOC: {without looking} I wouldn't touch that if I were you.

{Instructor glares at Sirhcnoc for a few seconds before looking at the box again, he fiddles about with the box until it lights up}

INSTRUCTOR: UH, SIRHCNOC?!

SIRHCNOC: {turns around} What? {notices the glowing box} Oh dear... NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!

INSTRUCTOR: WHAT DID I DO?!

SIRHCNOC: You've gone and... activated Project G.E.N.E.R.I.C!

INSTRUCTOR: GASP!

{The robot on the table slowly stands up and points a gun at the two}

G.E.N.E.R.I.C: HO. HO. HO. MERRY. CHRISTMAS. {fires the gun, missing Sirhcnoc and Instructor, and then flies off through the ceiling, leaving Sirhcnoc and Instructor to wonder what just happened}

SIRHCNOC: This is not what I was hoping for.

{The robot bursts out of the lair and starts wreaking havoc on Wikity with presents}

MAYOR SPYDEN: The robot... wreaked havoc upon our fair city... that is until...

{A sleigh suddenly comes into view, pulled by several reindeer. On the sleigh is Santa, holding a missile-toe launcher}

SANTA: Ho-ho-ho! I knew that somebody would create a robot replica of me to destroy Wikity! Thank goodness for this conveniently misplaced missile-toe launcher! Ho-ho-ho! Die, Mecha-Santa!

{Santa fires off a few missiles at the robot, the robot turns around to face the missiles and dodges them quickly, it counters with its own missiles}

SANTA: WHOA! Dancer! Prancer! Dive down! Dive down!

{Santa's sleigh slowly rides down as the missiles barely miss Santa, the missiles end up crashing into Chrionroar, who was somehow flying along with a stop sign dressed as a woman, causing him to drop the stop sign}

CHRIONROAR: NOES! NOT TEH STOP SIGNZ! YOU MUST PAT TEH PRIZE!

{Chrionroar swoops low and then comes up behind Santa, Santa quickly makes a hand gesture at the reindeer and they suddenly fly up into the sky. The robot flies towards Santa's sleigh with incredible speed and crashes into Chrionroar, who suddenly flies into the sleigh, knocking Santa off along with Mecha-Santa. Mecha-Santa lands on the ground safely but is then crushed by Santa. Chrionroar swoops down and lands in the nearby fountain and pops back up with a mouth full of fish}

SANTA: Ooooohhh....

{The scene suddenly shifts to Wikity Hospital, Santa is heavily bandaged up, Chrionroar crashes in through the window}

MAYOR SPYDEN: Santa was heavily... injured after the fall, so instead he... sent Chrionroar out to... give presents to all the boys and girls with Greg... who just so happened to be there.

{Cut to The Streets, Greg is wearing a reindeer suit and is clearly struggling with the sleigh. Chrionroar is sitting in the sleigh with a large sack of presents, grinning.}

CHRIONROAR: COMES ONS! WE HAS TWO MILLION HOURZ TO WINS!

MAYOR SPYDEN: So... that's the end of that story... I know it was... probably more lazier than the last one but... see you next time for Uncle Spyden's... creepy stories... ta-ta!

{The screen suddenly turns black as the sound of a book closing is played}

{After a few seconds of darkness, the screen opens up to Conchris' House - Living Room, Conchris is sitting in an armchair, asleep. Cruroar is sitting on the sofa, bored out of his mind}

CRUROAR: Gee, that was boring. I wonder what else is on?

CONCHRIS: {suddenly wakes up} How about the Ultra-Violence channel?

CRUROAR: Nah, too gory, and besides, little kiddies watch this show!

CONCHRIS: Ha ha ha! Seriously change the channel.

CRUROAR: I refuse to!

CONCHRIS: Fine. {pulls out a Missile-Toe Launcher and fires a mistletoe at Cruroar, he is suddenly thrown off the screen despite the fact that mistletoes are light}

CRUROAR: OW MY SKIN!

{Fade to black}