(even if you aren't vegan)
Conshow/52
Summary
Conchris gets a new hobby, treasure hunting! But he becomes so absorbed by it that he becomes insane and obsessed with gems! Can Cruroar and Cieeia knock him out of it?
CAST (In order of appearance): Chrionroar, Narrator (Voice Only), Conchris, Cruroar, Sirhcnoc, Greg, Cieeia, Newsman McNewsman, Woman, Forest, Man, Stop Sign (wearing a wedding dress), "Generic Passerby #2131", Yffulf #1, Yffulf #2, "Mr. Sparkle"
Transcript
{Open to a picture of Chrionroar eating on the wires with the words "TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. PLEASE STAND BY", intermission music plays in the background}
NARRATOR: Sorry! We're having some technical faults at the moment! Please stand by.
{The screen suddenly dissolves into white noise, this continues for a while before cutting to Conchris' House - Living Room, Conchris and Cruroar are lounging around on the couch}
CONCHRIS: Have you got any good ideas for a cold opening, yet?
CRUROAR: No...
CONCHRIS: Hmm...
{Pause}
CONCHRIS: Wait... I HAVE ONE! {pulls out a gun and fires it, freezing the whole room, even Cruroar} Ha ha! Get it? COLD opening! HA HA HA!
{Conchris looks around for a bit}
CONCHRIS: Wow. That's cold...
{Cue intro}
{Open to Sirhcnoc's Newer Lair on a Hill, a new batch of workers are in the control room, working on computers. Sirhcnoc is busy lounging around in a recliner chair, Greg walks in with some plans}
SIRHCNOC: {sighs} What is it now Greg? Didn't I tell you that I'm NOT doing any evil plans today?
GREG: Yeah, but these plans are actually delivery papers, your new evil fridge was dropped off at the Wikity Post Office, you have to come quick, it's been trying to eat the employees there.
SIRHCNOC: Fine... {gets up and walks off, mumbling}
{Cut to Conchris' House - Kitchen, Cruroar is reading a newspaper at the table as Cieeia walks in, makes herself some toast and sits down to eat}
CIEEIA: I didn't know you read newspapers!
CRUROAR: {pulls down the newspaper} What? Oh! Yeah, there's been a bunch of stuff going on, particularly in other cities and towns and that the sign population has gone up by 100,000 since last week!
CIEEIA: More food for that crazy guy then...
CRUROAR: It also says here that people are beginning to take up a hobby of treasure hunting. Apparently, there has been traps set everywhere and there is also treasure buried beneath Wikity, people are trying to get their share of the treasure... or all of it, depending on some people.
CIEEIA: Boring! I want to know if there's any articles on cute animals in there!
CRUROAR: Sorry, there is none this week.
CIEEIA: Damn...
CRUROAR: Well, they always focus on the good stuff such as violent actions, robberies and whatnot. However, I found that Wikity is just crazy for them! I think Newsman McNewsman made a freaking documentary about the murder at Generic Manor once...
{Cut to the TV, a short of burst of static is shown before it shows Newsman McNewsman inside the manor, holding a microphone whilst fiddling with some stuff}
NEWSMAN MCNEWSMAN: {picks up a lamp} This lamp was actually made in 1979, the murderer touched the lamp with his fingers on the bulb here. {points to the bulb} Now, you may be wondering why I'm trying to hog all the screen time, well, I bribed the guys at the news network to give me more scree-
{The TV turns to static, cut back to the kitchen}
CIEEIA: Oh...
{Pause}
CIEEIA: It's awfully quiet in here! Where's Conches?
{Cut to the front door of Conchris' house, Conchris kicks down the door wearing explorer's gear with a pickaxe in one hand and treasure detector in the other, he walks in grinning}
CRUROAR: Oh god...
{Conchris walks into the kitchen and sits down}
CRUROAR: What the hell man?! I thought you said that you would stop following the crowds!
CONCHRIS: But dude! I've always wanted to get treasure! Wouldn't it be sweet if I could find a treasure to a lost civilisation that is actually a piece of a certain deity's soul?
CRUROAR: Uh, no.
CIEEIA: {points at the treasure detector} Ooh, what's that?
CONCHRIS: That is my treasure detector! I use it to detect treasure! {shows it off} See? {A beeping noise is heard} Oh! There's treasure in this table! {gets up} Stand back!
{Conchris raises the pickaxe and smashes the table in two, a gem falls out of the wreckage and Conchris picks it up}
CONCHRIS: Sweet! I'm going to get rich today!
{Cruroar facepalms and groans as Conchris walks off, grinning}
CRUROAR: This is going to be a long day...
{Cut to a montage of Conchris searching for treasure, he searches for treasure in the following places:
- Cut to the park, Conchris pushes past some people and smashes the pickaxe into the ground, an explosion is seen and Conchris is severely charred. He is then carried off by some hospital members.
- Cut to the mall, Conchris looks around and enters Sarry's Weapons Emporium. He smashes the pickaxe into the ground and picks up a bag of gems, he is then chased by a group of people wearing explorer's gear
- Cut to the hill, Conchris struggles to get up the hill and stops to take a break, he then smashes the pickaxe into the ground. A mechanical hand comes out of the ground, takes one of his gems and throws it away, it then suddenly explodes, barely charring Conchris.
- Cut to the docks, Cruroar and Cieeia are walking alongside each other as Conchris suddenly jumps behind him flailing the pickaxe, they spot him and dodges out of his way as he slams into the ground with the pickaxe in hand, he somehow finds a bag of coins and gets chased by an even bigger group of people. Cruroar and Cieeia watch him run away, angrily.
- Cut to Sirhcnoc's Lair on a Hill, Sirhcnoc is in the front yard on a lawn chair with Greg, playing Chess against each other. Conchris is seen running in the background, he then runs close to Sirhcnoc and Greg and throws the bag of coins at them, it lands perfectly between the two and the group of people dogpiles the table, much to their surprise.
- Cut to the town hall, Conchris runs in and stops to take a breather as he places the bag of gems on the desk.
End montage}
CONCHRIS: Alright... now... how much did I get?
{The woman at the desk looks at the bag of gems and inspects them all, she then takes the bag of gems and writes a cheque, which she then hands to Conchris}
CONCHRIS: {reads the cheque} WHAT?! $50?! WHAT KIND OF GEMS WERE THOSE?!
WOMAN: They were the... uhh... inexpensive kind! Yeah! {thinking} Phew, that was close.
CONCHRIS: {eyes the woman angrily} I'm watching you, woman! {walks off}
WOMAN: Oh! Watch out for that... {a mechanical noise is heard, zoom out to reveal Conchris caught in a rope trap} trap...
CONCHRIS: Yeah, you could've told me that SOONER.
{Cut to Conchris' House - Living Room, Cruroar and Cieeia are on the couch watching TV as Conchris walks in, annoyed. Forest leans onto the screen}
FOREST: So, what kind of idiotic fight did you get yourself into today?
CONCHRIS: Shut up.
FOREST: Oh I see! You were having the most idiotic day ever until someone said something incredibly smart to you.
CONCHRIS: Leave me alone...
FOREST: Fine! If you need me, I'll be incinerating the next treasure hunter who comes to this house. {walks off}
{Conchris walks over to Cruroar and Cieeia and literally throws himself down onto the chair, he growls angrily}
CIEEIA: What happened?
CONCHRIS: Traps. People chasing you. People being tightwads. Yeah, that's my day in a freaking nutshell. How was your day? It was probably full of sunflowers and sunshine, isn't it?
CRUROAR: Well-
CONCHRIS: ISN'T IT?!
{Pause}
CRUROAR: Well, not really. Me and Cieeia went places and went for a walk on the docks... that is until you came along and almost killed us!
CONCHRIS: Hey! My treasure detector never lies when there's treasure afoot!
CIEEIA: Yeah, except that you were holding it as if you wanted to kill us!
CONCHRIS: I never meant it like that!
CRUROAR: Can we please just DROP the conversation?
CIEEIA: Sure thing.
CONCHRIS: Fine.
{Pause}
CONCHRIS: Where's the idiot? I've haven't seen him since this morning...
CRUROAR: He's at the town hall I think, trying to get this new marriage law in.
CIEEIA: The marriage of inanimate objects?
CRUROAR: Yeah.
CIEEIA: Who would be silly enough to do that?
CONCHRIS: Gun lovers?
{A gunshot is heard and Conchris reels in pain as he clutches his leg}
{Cut to the Town Hall, Chrionroar is holding a stop sign that is wearing a bridal dress, there are several markings on the desks}
CHRIONROAR: YOU MUST ACCEPTS MAH NUE LAW! IT TEH BAWMB!
MAN: Err... no. Marriage of inanimate objects are illegal as of now, so would you kindly lea-
{Chrionroar smacks the man in the head with the stop sign whilst grinning}
CHRIONROAR: I WINS! COMES MS. STOPPERSIN! TO TEH CHURCH! {flies off}
{Cut back to the living room, Conchris, Cruroar and Cieeia are looking at the camera, confused}
CIEEIA: O...kay...
CRUROAR: ...that was...
CONCHRIS: ...strange.
{Pause. After a while, the three return to their normal positions}
CONCHRIS: So, what kind of show are you watching?
CIEEIA: Some new late night show.
CONCHRIS: Oh.
{Pause}
CONCHRIS: You know, the writer's been struggling to get good material nowadays, I wonder why?
CRUROAR: Idea Crunch?
{A pile of paper falls from the sky and crushes Cruroar, Cieeia angrily pushes them off and onto the floor}
CRUROAR: {high-pitched} Thanks... {coughs}
{Cut to a time card that reads "The next morning..."}
{Cut to the streets, several cars hang from trees. Cruroar and Cieeia are walking along the pavement, unaware of the traps}
CRUROAR: Well, this walk has been peaceful so far, I haven't seen Conchris around with that pickaxe again.
CIEEIA: Maybe he gave it up. Remember that time when he gave up collecting bouncy balls?
CRUROAR: No.
CIEEIA: Yeah, that would be horrible flashback mater- {trips over a wire} IAL! {hits the floor, face-first}
{Conchris jumps out of nowhere with a gun at the ready, his eyes are bloodshot from the lack of sleep}
CONCHRIS: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!
CRUROAR: Uh... Conchris? I'm Cruroar? You forget or something?
CONCHRIS: {puts the gun down} Oh, I thought you were Generic Passerby #2131. That guy is a jerk.
{Cut to another part of the streets, a man wearing the nametag "Generic Passerby #2131" walks by and yanks the candy from the baby whilst doing so, the baby starts crying as the man smoothly walks away. Cut back to the three}
CONCHRIS: I don't suppose you have... gems? Gems of any sort? {voice slowly becomes more desperate} Please! I need gems to live! Gems are my lifeforce! {whispers} Lifeforce!
CIEEIA: Okay, you've gone from sane to just plain creepy! {gets up and grabs Cruroar by the arm} We're leaving!
{Cieeia walks off with Cruroar in tow, Conchris watches them suspiciously}
CONCHRIS: You'll be back... AND YOU'LL HAVE SOME GEMS ON YOU! GEMS! Yes... I must have more! {pulls out a colourless gem} Tell me, Mr. Sparkle... where can I find my NEXT victim?
{Whispering is heard as Conchris puts the gem up to his ear}
CONCHRIS: Perfect...
{Cut to Sirhcnoc's Lair on a hill, Greg wheels Sirhcnoc in on a wheelchair, Sirhcnoc's right arm and left leg are bandaged up}
SIRHCNOC: {groans} The pain...
GREG: Don't worry, Sirhcnoc. I remember the first time I was put in bandages... though it was when I was bitten in the crot-
SIRHCNOC: Please! Please! Don't want to hear about it! Can I please get some time to relax?
GREG: Sorry, Sirhcnoc. {walks off}
{Sirhcnoc breathes a sigh of relief, pan up to reveal two Yffulfs fighting over a cinderblock}
YFFULF #1: It was MY cinderblock! I've seen it first!
YFFULF #2: Yeah?! {licks the cinderblock} Well, I licked it!
YFFULF #1: Gross! Where'd you get those nasty habits?!
YFFULF #2: I've met this strange fellow once, he was eating a stop sign.
YFFULF #1: Oh SURE! I suppose he showed you the way to Candy Mountain, didn't he?
YFFULF #2: That's not relevant to the subject! Anyway, THIS CINDERBLOCK IS MINE!
{The two Yffulfs pick up the cinderblock and begins to pull away from each other}
YFFULF #1: MINE!
YFFULF #2: MINE!
{They continue to struggle until the cinderblock falls off the screen, they both look down to see where it is falling. A loud clonk noise is heard followed by a scream. The two look at each other frightened.}
YFFULF #1: We shall never speak of this again.
YFFULF #2: Agreed.
{The two Yffulfs shuffle off in different directions, the first one is whistling}
{Cut to a time card that reads "The next day...", the card stays for a few seconds before cutting to The Streets, more traps are hung around everywhere and a huge fort of scrap stands in the middle of the road, zoom out a bit to see Cruroar, Cieeia and Forest looking through the window}
CIEEIA: Okay, it's official, we need to snap him out of this!
CRUROAR: Yeah, but how do we go about that?! It's not like we could walk up to him and say "Conchris, you're going too far! Stop now!" and then he'd be all like "Okay!" and just DROP everything!
FOREST: That was the most stupidest suggestion ever! {puts up her arm cannon} I say we kill him, for the good of the world, my world.
CIEEIA: No! Violence shouldn't be the answer to everything!
FOREST: Why not? I mean, just about everything can be solved with violence.
{Cut to a kitchen, a broken toaster sits on a counter. Forest is standing behind the counter}
FOREST: Appliance broken? Use violence! {blasts the toaster into dust and brushes it off}
{A shirt with a stain on it flies onto the counter}
FOREST: Stain on your favourite shirt? Use violence! {blasts the shirt into ashes and throws the remains off}
{Forest walks up to a wall}
FOREST: Walls need demolished? {shoots a giant hole in the wall} Use violence!
{Cut to an ad with a spray-shaped bottle with the label "Violence" on it with the phrase "It solves EVERYTHING!" along with a list of random things like "Clean your car, clean your cat, blow up unsuspecting citizens AND MORE!"}
{Cut back to Conchris' House}
CIEEIA: Yeah, I see your point, but I think we should take the diplomatic way out.
CRUROAR: I didn't know you studied diplomacy!
CIEEIA: Well, I don't.
CRUROAR: Oh.
FOREST: Fine! Guess I'll just come along with you, in case you idiots change your mind, or something...
{Cut to the streets, Cruroar, Cieeia and Forest walk along, dodging traps such as a car dropping from nowhere, a car flying out of nowhere, some trip traps, a swinging saw blade and a banana peel near pit of deadly spikes}
CRUROAR: That was surprisingly easy.
FOREST: The idiot made the traps set off too early! That's why!
CRUROAR: Oh, whatever. Let's just go in.
{A loud creaking noise is heard and a drawbridge drops down, Cruroar, Cieeia and Forest walk inside into the throne room}
CIEEIA: {voice echoes} Hello? Hello? ello? llo? lo? o? Anyone there? there? here? ere? re? e? Echo! Echo! cho! ho! o!
FOREST: Please, stop with the echoes! They really make me angry!
CIEEIA: Sorry.
{The three reach the end of the room but with nobody else in sight}
CIEEIA: Huh. I was expecting him to be her- {gets pounced on by Conchris wielding a bat} AH!
{Conchris feebly whacks Cieeia with the bat}
CIEEIA: GUYS! HELP ME! HELP! HELP!
{Cruroar grabs Conchris and throws him onto the ground, he snarls in retaliation, Cieeia gets back up}
CIEEIA: Phew, thanks.
CRUROAR: What happened to you?
CONCHRIS: {distant voice} You've brought them... the gems... THE GEMS! AHAHAHAHA! It's been... three days... and I've set up this... empire... my cold... metallic... empire... nobody dares mess with me... NOBODY! AH HA HA HA HA!
CIEEIA: Okay... Cruroar... he's beginning to creep me out!
CONCHRIS: GRAGH!
CIEEIA: RUN!
{The three start to run away, Conchris pulls out the colourless gem and starts to walk slowly towards them}
CONCHRIS: You can't escape Mr. Sparkle. Mr. Sparkle, let us meet our new friends...
{Conchris' eyes start to glow and he begins to fire eye lasers, the lasers barely miss Cieeia but they end up hitting Cruroar in the back, he falls over in pain, Cieeia turns around to check on him}
CIEEIA: Cruroar! Are you okay?
CRUROAR: Ow... just minor damage... can't walk though.
CIEEIA: Come on, let's go. {picks up Cruroar and slowly walks off with him}
{The three manage to get away from the castle of scrap, Conchris slowly walks out of the castle and watches them run}
CONCHRIS: You're not getting away that easily.
{Cruroar, Cieeia and Forest run away from the castle only to be met by Conchris near the entrance to the house}
CONCHRIS: Mr. Sparkle says, "Game over, guys." {eyes light up red again}
CIEEIA: What do we do now?!
CRUROAR: I don't know!
{Pause}
CIEEIA: We're good as dead, are we?
CRUROAR: I'm afraid so...
{Cieeia hugs Cruroar}
CIEEIA: I've always loved you! {closes eyes}
CRUROAR: I've always loved you too!
{The three wait for their inevitable death but suddenly, Chrionroar flies in with a stop sign that is wearing a wedding dress, it hits Conchris in the back of the head and he falls over, the colourless gem snaps in half as it makes contact with the ground.}
CHRIONROAR: HAY GUIZ! WHAT DID I MIZZ?!
{Cruroar and Cieeia look at Chrionroar confused}
CIEEIA: What just...
CRUROAR: ...happened?
FOREST: The idiot flew in with that stop sign and hit him in the head! Jeez! Can't you be more stupid?
CRUROAR: Is he alright?
{Conchris wakes up, he no longer has bloodshot eyes. He slowly gets up, Cruroar and Cieeia jump back a bit and prepare themselves}
CONCHRIS: Man, that was one crazy dream... I feel like I should eat some toast...
{Cruroar and Cieeia breathes a sigh of relief and drop their guard}
CRUROAR: Are you normal?
CONCHRIS: Oh course I am! Why? Are you ABNORMAL?!
CIEEIA: Phew! No laser eyes or anything!
{Conchris' eyes suddenly light up red again, Cieeia jumps back and lets out a little "eek!"}
CONCHRIS: Stupid glasses... {takes off the glasses to reveal that the two red shining dots were actually projected onto a pair of glasses, he then throws them away} Well, I'm hungry. I'm-a go get some toast... {walks off}
{Pause}
CRUROAR: Well, it looks like everything is back to normal... I guess.
{Conchris suddenly appears on-screen with the toaster's ashes}
CONCHRIS: What happened to my toaster?!
CRUROAR: Excuse me, what?
CONCHRIS: MY TOASTER! What happened to it?!
CRUROAR: Seriously, I didn't do anythi-
CONCHRIS: LIAR! {grabs Chrionroar's stop sign and smacks Cruroar over the head with it}
{Cue credits}
{Cut to Conchris' House - Living Room, Conchris and Cruroar are on the couch watching TV}
CONCHRIS: Wow, that was a pretty dark episode.
CRUROAR: Yeah.
CONCHRIS: Hmm...
{Pause}
CONCHRIS: So...
CRUROAR: So... what?
CONCHRIS: Any ideas for a cold opening?
CRUROAR: Wait, WHA-
{Cut to a black screen that has the words "END" on it}
