Conshow/46

Summary

Blargh

Transcript

{Open to the white screen on continuity}

CONTINUITY: The last time we left Conchris and company...

{Cut to the base on the mobile planet, Conchris glares at Cruroar as they play snakes and ladders, he rolls the dice and lands on a snake}

CONCHRIS: DAMN IT!

{Cut to Cruroar and Cieeia's room}

CIEEIA: Cruroar, I've got something important to tell you!

CRUROAR: What?

CIEEIA: I'm...

{Conchris bursts in wearing a blindfold and knocks the two out with a bat, he then pulls off the blindfold}

CONCHRIS: What the hell?

{Cut to Sirhcnoc's Base under the ground, there is control panel with one big red button that reads "Destroy the World"}

SIRHCNOC: I wonder what this button does...

GREG: NO, DON'T-

{Cut to outer space, the world explodes}

{Cut to the White screen of continuity}

CONTINUITY: And now on this episode...

{Cue intro}

{Open to outer space, a pirate ship slowly flies by, zoom in on it}

{Cut to the inner decks of the ship, two pirates are arguing over a crystal whilst another is wearing a small microscope over his eye}

SPACE PIRATE #1: This thing is worthless! Who needs power when you could just ALLY with the uber species?!

SPACE PIRATE #2: Idiots like us!

SPACE PIRATE #1: That doesn't make any sense! WE'RE PIRATES! Not EVILDOERS!

SPACE PIRATE #3: Speaking of which, I have heard that this guy named Xavian is about to conquer the Earth in about four episodes time. Did you know that?

SPACE PIRATE #1 + #2: YES!

SPACE PIRATE #2: It's not worthless! We could use it to wrestle MORE TREASURE!

SPACE PIRATE #1: I can't be bothered arguing with you! {throws the crystal into a small pipe} THERE! It's been jettisoned!

SPACE PIRATE #2: Grr... I'LL KILL YOU!

{The second pirate jumps onto the first and starts pounding on him as the third watches}

{Cut to outer space, the crystal slowly floats around before suddenly jerking down towards the mobile planet}

{Cut to the plains of the planet, the crystal crash lands on the planet}

{Cut to the outside of the base, the large door opens and John steps out and breathes the air before going on towards the site of the crash}

{Cut back to the plains, John searches the plains and finds the crystal, he stares at it longingly}

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: You're mine now...

{John's stare becomes an evil smile as he laughs evilly}

{Cut to the inside of the base, Cruroar is writing something in a book as Conchris sneaks up behind him}

CRUROAR: Oh, I'm just writing in this book. Apparently, it can speak to me and keeps telling me these weird things like "I can show you the past" and "The chamber lies just ahead".

CONCHRIS: I wasn't going to ask you about what you're writing. I'm asking about that stupid-looking book you have there!

CRUROAR: That's what I thought you would say but rephrased!

CONCHRIS: That makes it a NEW question, stupid!

CRUROAR: Why am I talking to you again? Oh wait, the space travel must've broken your brain.

CONCHRIS: Dude, my brain always works! Can't say the same about Forest, though.

{Cut to a bar, Forest grabs a beer bottle and smashes it over the big, purple alien's head, he collapses to the floor as everyone stares at her}

FOREST: {Mr. Explorer from La-Mulana} (That's what you GET!)

{Cut back to the base, Conchris is severely confused}

CONCHRIS: O...kay... that was a weird cutaway. Also, where's the idiot?

CRUROAR: You mean Chrionroar?

CONCHRIS: No, no, no. I mean the other idiot.

CRUROAR: John left hours ago!

CONCHRIS: Nydara told me to go around asking people. John hasn't returned.

CRUROAR: He hasn't huh?

CONCHRIS: Yep.

CRUROAR: Well, good luck in your search and what not.

CONCHRIS: Aren't you going to help me?!

CRUROAR: No, this book tells me that there is a great evil outside and I'm not about to leave this base.

CONCHRIS: Okay, fine! I'll leave you and your stupid book! Nyeh!

{Conchris walks off}

CRUROAR: Will I ever get away from him?

{The book shows the words "Not likely, loser."}

CRUROAR: Okay, I had it. You're going down the toilet! {walks off}

{Cut to the lobby, Cieeia is nestled on the couch asleep as Conchris bursts in and blows an air horn, waking her up}

CIEEIA: HEY!

CONCHRIS: Well, excuuuusssee me princess! Have you seen the other idiot around here?

CIEEIA: I don't know! Last time I checked, he started cackling about how the world is his and all that jazz. Can I go back to sleep now?

CONCHRIS: No.

{Cut to Sirhcnoc's Lair on a hill back on Earth, Sirhcnoc is busy typing into the computer as Greg walks in holding a mug of coffee, half-asleep}

GREG: What are you doing?

SIRHCNOC: I'm trying to find Xavian on the Villain-Net, an intergalactic database of villains, it contains ratings and comments and all that cool stuff. You can even put your crappy slideshow of cars whilst rave music plays in the background on here!

GREG: That sounds like an obnoxious rip-off of some community-run websites.

SIRHCNOC: Shut up! Ah! There he is! Let's see if I can engage in chat with him...

{A chat box pops up on the computer screen. For every line, a sound plays. Also, anything that is in speech marks are in the chat dialog.}

IHATECONCHSHELLS (SIRHCNOC): "hello? u there?"

XAVIAN: "Yes, Sirhcnoc. Change your bloody name."

IHATECONCHSHELLS: "sorry..."

{A message pops up saying "Ihateconchshells is now known as Sirhcnoc"}

SIRHCNOC: "Sorry about that, I've been spying too much in the #noob channel."

XAVIAN: "Well don't. Anyway, I want you to do something for me."

SIRHCNOC: "What is it?"

XAVIAN: "I need you to mark the landing spot for the mobile planet. The planet is set to arrive in a few week's time and I want to make sure it lands NEAR Wikity and NOT anywhere else."

SIRHCNOC: "Can do!"

XAVIAN: "Also, one last thing..."

SIRHCNOC: "What?"

{A message pops up reading "Xavian has removed you from his/her friends list"}

SIRHCNOC: "Huh?"

XAVIAN: "I don't want anyone else knowing about this, so we might as well keep low... Later."

{Another message pops up reading "Xavian has left the chat (Connection Error: Connection Reset By The Evil Peer)"}

{The chat box closes}

SIRHCNOC: Well... where can we mark the planet's landing point?

GREG: How can a planet be mobile anyway? Is it a technologically advanced ship capable of gravity and preserving life?

SIRHCNOC: I think so... Now, where did I leave those permanent markers...

{Cut to the plains of the mobile planet, it is very dark and the city looks crumbled. Conchris walks on-screen oblivious to his surroundings}

CONCHRIS: Man, this place is already a mess. I'm sure no evil crystal has landed here... No way...

{John quickly pounces at Conchris, knocking him off the screen}

{Cut to the base, Cruroar stares out the window in shock}

CRUROAR: OH CRAP! It's worse than I thought! He's got Conches! I've got to tell Cieeia!

{Cruroar begins to run to the lobby but notices that Cieeia is asleep}

CRUROAR: Err... nevermind... looks like I have to go it alone!

{Forest suddenly appears behind him}

FOREST: (What about me?)

CRUROAR: I said, alone.

FOREST: (Fine! Whatever!)

{Cut to the outside of the base, Cruroar opens the door and peeks out, he sees a shadowy figure with is eyes and teeth shining through the dark}

CRUROAR: Err... hello? John?

FIGURE: I am not the John you know anymore! I am...

{The figure steps into the light to reveal John with red eyes, a business suit and neat hair}

HYSAD: HYSAD!

{Cruroar pauses for a second}

CRUROAR: What the hell was that about?

HYSAD: I'm an evil being trapped in that crystal! I nearly became the leader of the damn pirates before those idiots tossed me overboard! And now, I have conquered this planet and soon, OTHERS! HA HA HA HA HA! Now... RESPECT MY POWER! KNEEL BEFORE ME, EARTHLING!

{Pause}

HYSAD: You're not kneeling...

CRUROAR: You're the most stupidest villain ever.

HYSAD: Oh, you expected an awesome fight?

CRUROAR: A little from column A and a lot from column B.

HYSAD: Okay... BUILD A 20 FT STATUE OF ME!

CRUROAR: Why would I do that? The last time Conches built one, it nearly destroyed half the continent back on Earth! It even killed like 50 civilians!

HYSAD: Fine! I shall curse you!

CRUROAR: Shut up, and go away. {kicks Hysad, he falls over}

HYSAD: ARGH! My weakness! How did you know?!

CRUROAR: You're a crappy rip-off. That's how I know how easy you are to kill.

HYSAD: You haven't seen the last of me!

{John slowly turns back to normal for a second before he changes back, Hysad jumps up with a staff}

HYSAD: HA!

{Hysad blasts Cruroar with a beam of light from the staff, burning him}

CRUROAR: AAAAAAHHHHHH!

HYSAD: HA HA HA HA HA! Being evil is FUN with a capital F!

CIEEIA: {off-screen} For freaking jerk!

HYSAD: Ahhh... another earthling? I'll dispose of you quickly!

CIEEIA: BRING IT!

{Hysad jumps towards Cieeia as she readies her pipe like a bat, she swings and it connects with Hysad's stomach, knocking him into a building, that collapses}

HYSAD: Argh... That was painful... But not as painful as THIS!

{Hysad throws the staff at Cieeia, it bounces off of her with little effect}

CIEEIA: Well?

HYSAD: Sorry, delayed pain attack. You should be feeling it right now...

{Cieeia suddenly keels over and falls down onto the ground}

HYSAD: HA HA HA! Another victory for ME! Hysad the Great! HA HA HA! {A vacuum cleaner is heard} Wait... what is that noise? {looks to his right to see Nydara holding a vacuum cleaner with the nozzle pointed at him} NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

{An evil spirit pops out of John and gets sucked into the vacuum, Nydara switches it off and the surroundings turn back to normal. Conchris, Cruroar and Cieeia suddenly get up}

CONCHRIS: Wow... that was painful.

CRUROAR: Tell me about it, I was burnt to a crisp!

CIEEIA: My head...

NYDARA: Well at least that crappy horror movie like scene is over!

CONCHRIS: Wait! What about that guy I met outside?

CRUROAR: What guy?

CONCHRIS: You know? The Guy? You know? The Guy? THE FREAKING GUY?!

CRUROAR: You do know that The Guy is dead, right?

CONCHRIS: No, he's not! He was replaced by The Kid, therefore becoming The Guy! That makes sense!

CRUROAR: Yeah, and soon you'll be saying that toasters suddenly come in on battleships and destroy us all.

{Suddenly, several flying toasters hover over them}

CRUROAR: OH CRAP! KILLER KITCHEN APPLIANCES!

CONCHRIS: They want revenge! RUN!

{Conchris and company try to run but they all get blasted by the lasers from the toasters}

{Cut to the streets in Wikity on Earth, Sirhcnoc is drawing something on the road with a marker}

SIRHCNOC: There! {stands up} That oughta do it!

GREG: Yeah. Like that little sentence will get the planet to land there!

SIRHCNOC: Nah, I did it for fun, the real landing point is over... there...

{Sirhcnoc points towards the piece of paper in the field but notices a homeless person sleeping on it}

SIRHCNOC: OH CRAP!

{Cut to Xavian's Battleship, Xavian is playing a Super Smash Bros. game with an alien. Fighting noises are heard in the background}

ALIEN: Oh come on! I know you're cheating!

XAVIAN: Maybe you should suck less!

ALIEN: You're playing as YOSHI! How bad is THAT?!

XAVIAN: Stop failing.

ALIEN: I have no opposable thumbs you idiot.

XAVIAN: {mimics the alien with a mocking voice} Well, get some!

ALIEN: I can't!

ANNOUNCER: And this game's winner is... Yoshi!

ALIEN: OH FREAKING DAMNIT!

XAVIAN: You know what? I'll go easy on you, I'll play Peach.

ALIEN: Fine, can I play Captain Falcon?

XAVIAN: Err... sure?

{Cue credits}

{Cut to the Black Screen of things yet to come}

COTINUITY: The next time on the Conshow...

{Cut to Wikity's borders, Conchris looks around}

CONCHRIS: Wait... what am I doing here?!

{Cut to the base on the mobile planet}

CRUROAR: Conches, I have a question.

CONCHRIS: What?

CRUROAR: How are we going to destroy those killer kitchen appliances stationed outside?

CONCHRIS: Don't worry, for I have a plan! {triumphant pose}

{Pause}

CRUROAR: You don't, do you?

CONCHRIS: Yeah.

{The mobile planet explodes}

{Cut to black screen reading "END"}