(even if you aren't vegan)
Con email.wue/105
CON_EMAIL.EXE EMAIL 105 - Canon's End
Contents
Summary
Cast in order of appearance: TO BE FILLED OUT
Page Title: Play it up!
Transcript
Part I
CONCHRIS: I don't really have much time left, so I'll leave you with a quick answer to the email.
Dear Cadet Conchris,
I have a new mission or you.
Space Admiral Strong Sader OBE
Come to defence platform C for your briefing.
From,
CONCHRIS: Okay, I wil-
{explosion is heard}
SHIP'S COMPY: We're taking heavy damage!
CONCHRIS: From whom?
SHIP'S COMPY: It's the Blue Lazor ships, they're back!
CONCHRIS: How do you know?
SHIP'S COMPY: My last pilot died from an attack on the Blue Lazor ships, my brain chip was ejected and sent down to FCUSA.
CONCHRIS: What do you think we should do?
SHIP'S COMPY: There's only one way to do and that is...
CONCHRIS: What?
SHIP'S COMPY: Activating defense mechanism.
{Cut to outside the ship, a cannon comes out of the top and starts blasting the ships behind it, cut back inside}
CONCHRIS: Okay, I think we're...
{Explosion}
CONCHRIS: GAH! How could everyone sleep through this?
{Pan right, the characters that were on the ship are there}
CRURIROAR (CONCREW): Look, we can't either and we need to get back OR ELSE WE'LL DIE! {dun dun dun}
CHRIONROAR (CONCREW): No, we aren't going to die, never. Ever.
FOREST (CONCREW): Hey! What happened to plever, jever, jibevery and Jib-
CONCHRIS: SHUT UP! I hear something...
SHIP'S COMPY: Retreiving transmission... Transmission received.
{Homsar appears on the screen}
CONCHRIS: HOMSAR?!
CRURIROAR (CONCREW): {Simultaneously} Who's that guy?
FOREST (CONCREW): {Simultaneously} I never get any good lines!
CHRIONROAR (CONCREW): {Simultaneously} Alright! Level 50!
{Conchris, Cruriroar (Concrew) and Forest (Concew) turn towards Chrionroar (Concrew)}
CHRIONROAR (CONCREW): What? I was just playing this thingy...
{Cut back to the screen}
HOMSAR: DAaAaAaAaAaAaAaAa! Permission to Candy Land!
CONCHRIS: What the? How did they build the ship, lest know about it?
{Cut to a news place}
STRONG BAD: It has been reported that some moron's flying ship is under {Cut to a loose leaf paper, a badly drawn ship and another ship which is blasting the ship, SHiP ATTACK'D! is written on the bottom-right} attack by an unknown ship. I myself didn't care for that...
{TV white, cut back to the ship}
CONCHRIS: Oh! So that's why!
CRURIROAR (CONCREW): Just let them land, what are they going to do anyway?
{Cut to the same scene, Homsar is floating upside down, a group is behind him}
CONCHRIS: Umm... just stand there? How did Homsar fly them up there anyway?
LANDED SHIP: Auto-Pilot dis-engaged.
CONCHRIS: Oh, also, HOW THE CRAP DID HE ACTIVATE THE AUTO-PILOT?
{Cooksar Baker pokes out of the group}
COOKSAR BAKER: Oh that's easy, I did. After thinking that it was the Auto-Bake button. At least it saved us from crashing into an unknown thingymebob. CONCHRIS: So... What do we do now?
SHIP'S COMPY: ERROR! TOO MUCH DAMAGE SUSTAINED! ACTIVATING ALTERNATE UNIVERSE MODULE!
CONCHRIS: What? I never installed such a module!
CRURIROAR (CONCREW): Heh heh heh, sorry.
CONCHRIS: YOU IDIOT! YOU'VE INSTALLED A MODULE THAT MAY VERY WELL DESTROY TIME AND THE UNIVERSES!
CRURIROAR (CONCREW): SHUT UP! IF YOU DIDN'T KILL US THEN WE WOULDN'T BE HERE! ARGH!
FOREST (CONCREW): Guys! Stop fighting! We're entering the portal.
{Cut to outside the ship, the Ship enters the portal and the Blue Lazor Ships follow}
BLUE LAZOR COMMANDER: {Voiceover, evil voice} Excellent, soon, we will destroy everything Con_email.exe has done and end the existance of Conchris altogether! MWHAHAHAHAHA... Come on minions laugh with me!
{The evil laughter of Blue Lazor is heard, then fade out}
Part II
{Words fade in, these words say "PART II"}
{Cut to a grey area, the ship crash lands, shadows of the characters jump out, cut to the old-timey field, the characters except the Old-Timey characters are colored}
CONCHRIS: What the? How did we get here?
COOKSAR BAKER: Umm, if you were paying attention, we went through a swirly photoshopped portal to this world! Isn't that great?
CONCHRIS: No, it's not great! We're stuck here and Blue Lazor is now free to destroy and exterminate!
{Old-Timey Strong Bad (followed by The Sneak and Strong Man) walks on-screen}
OLD-TIMEY STRONG BAD: Bah! More colored buffons! How am I supposed to pull off a parlor trick to make everything in color now?
{The Sneak wiggles his nose}
OLD-TIMEY STRONG BAD: Good inquiry, The Sneak! Let's get them!
CONCHRIS: I knew Old-Timey sucked, it's too dull...
FOREST (CONCREW): Cut to another scene!
{Cut to the Blue Lazor HQ in present day, the Blue Lazor Commander is on screen, talking to a figure}
BLUE LAZOR COMMANDER: Our plan is going to plan and stuff...
SOME FIGURE LIKE GUY: Excellent... Why are we doing this again?
BLUE LAZOR COMMANDER: You're our leader, you should know.
SOME FIGURE LIKE GUY: But I keep forgetting stuff, like how to punch and kick. But!
BLUE LAZOR COMMANDER: But what?
SOME FIGURE LIKE GUY: But, we have retreived the Non-Canon Cannon!
BLUE LAZOR COMMANDER: The what now?
SOME FIGURE LIKE GUY: Non-Canon Cannon! It can break into stuff non-canonly, ignoring all rules of canoninity!
BLUE LAZOR COMMANDER: Is canoninity even a word?
SOME FIGURE LIKE GUY: It is now! BUT! We'll use this cannon to wreak havoc in time!
BLUE LAZOR COMMANDER: Wreak havoc? I like that!
SOME FIGURE LIKE GUY: Well, we'll start it up and start with the very first email in existance! Before Conchris started his email show, he added a regenerator, deep deep underground, guarded by Conraver, rarely. He destroyed it off-camera, after inventing another regenerator, stuck on him and all the characters he met, except us. We will destroy the first regenerator before he does so, and destroy him to end the email show FOREVER! HA HA HA HA {coughs, hacks, wheezes} I'm too old for this...
BLUE LAZOR COMMANDER: How did Conraver find out about this?
SOME FIGURE LIKE GUY: It is possible that HE used the Non-Canon Cannon, we have duplicated it with our duplicator.
BLUE LAZOR COMMANDER: And why did the viewers never find out about this?
SOME FIGURE LIKE GUY: The writer didn't want to tell them, maybe because he is lazy.
BLUE LAZOR COMMANDER: Well, let's bring out our only best troop, his name is not important, but he knows Conchris very well to know his weakness, we've taught him to speak normal and now, he is the best troop we have made.
SOME FIGURE LIKE GUY: Send him out! We must not let Conchris find out about this!
{pan left, Conraver leaning on the wall in the shadows}
CONRAVER: It's not Top Secret anymore. I better tell Conchris!
{Cut to inside the graveyard, something rings}
CONCHRIS: Oh yes, my teleporting gagdet.
{Conchris turns on the teleporting gagdet}
CONRAVER: Conchris! I have something to tell you!
CONCHRIS: If it is about pudding, I don't want to know.
CONRAVER: Pudding?! Naw! I have found out Blue Lazor's plans!
CONCHRIS: It's not another "Destroy the Email show" plot is it?
CONRAVER: WHO TOLD YOU?! Well, anyway, they're sending out their only best troop EVER! Tell your pals that they need to recruit some future and past forms, I can tell that they're going for the main regenerator!
CONCHRIS: I thought I destroyed it 50 Emails ago! Off-camera too!
CONRAVER: Well, I guess not, you have 10 days to amass the troop and meet me at the Homestar Mountain!
CONCHRIS: Homestar whatnow?
CONRAVER: The Homestar Mountain, a mountain named after Homestar for no particular reason?
CONCHRIS: Okay then... Bye. {puts away aformentioned gadget} I'm sorry, The Homestar Runner, we have to go.
THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: What?
CONCHRIS: WE HAVE TO GO!
THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh... Goodbye then...
CONCHRIS: Let's go!
{Conchris and the gang run off-screen, a take-off noise is heard and a portal opening and closing noise is heard}
THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: I'll go kick the can again...
{The Homestar Runner runs off-screen chasing after the can}
{Fade out to black}
Part III
{Fade in with the words "Part III", these words fade in the next scene}
{Cut to the Blue Lazor Ship}
BLUE LAZOR LEADER: Now, let's put our plan into action.
BLUE LAZOR COMMANDER: Right, now who's going to steer?
{A Blue Lazor Private with one eye smaller than the other comes onto screen}
BLUE LAZOR PRIVATE #M00: I will! I'm talented in space flight!
BLUE LAZOR COMMANDER: I don't trust this guy...
BLUE LAZOR LEADER: Oh come on! Let him take the cockpit! What's the harm?
BLUE LAZOR COMMANDER: Hm mm...
{Cut to the same scene with a white cloud border, most of the ship is damaged and some are on fire, a Blue Lazor cadet runs out of an area on fire, screaming}
BLUE LAZOR CADET: AHHHHHHHH! RUN! IT'S THE MONSTER MONSTER!
BLUE LAZOR COMMANDER: Told you so...
{Cut to the same scene without the white cloud border, the Blue Lazor Commander repeats his last said word 3 times before he is interrupted}
BLUE LAZOR CADET #IHATEU: Boss, we're about to crash. We'll be hitting the ground in 5 seconds.
BLUE LAZOR PRIVATE #M00: I WILL!
{#M00 takes the pilot spot and pulls it down, making the ship go up, the ship then crashes into another ship, which explodes, the words: "YOUR SHIP A SPLODE" appears, zoom out to reveal that it was a simulator}
BLUE LAZOR COMMANDER: And that's why we shouldn't let the private drive...
BLUE LAZOR LEADER: Just let him drive!
BLUE LAZOR COMMANDER: Fine! If you come crying to me, then don't...
{A Blue Lazor Cadet comes in bringing in some cakes}
BLUE LAZOR COMMANDER: Ooh! Cakes! {takes a bite out of one} What are they made of?
BLUE LAZOR CADET: They're made of Chocolate, Marshmallow Vapor, {As he goes on, the Blue Lazor Commander takes a surprised expression and slowly turns green} Poison, The Cheat's Hair, a piece of the eyeball pear and more poison sir!
{Brief pause, then the Blue Lazor Commander whacks the Cadet off-screen with an angry look}
BLUE LAZOR COMMANDER: That's the last time I let you cook!
BLUE LAZOR CADET: {off-screen} But please sir! I've only did it to get a promotion! I didn't know! I got it from some shady guy!
{Pan right, revealing the shady guy}
SHADY GUY: I'm so going to kill you one of these days.
BLUE LAZOR COMMANDER: TAKE HIM TO THE TORTURE ROOM!
{Cut to the torture room, which is actually the room with comfort}
SHADY GUY: Oh no! I'm being tortured! Oh no! Help! I've expected worse than this! Where's the racks? Where's the thingy that does stuff? Seriously, these guys are the worst torturers ever.
{Cut back to the last scene}
BLUE LAZOR COMMANDER: Okay, now that we have gotten the shady guy out of the way, let's get going!
{Cut to outside, the ship blasts off and then hits a tree}
BLUE LAZOR COMMANDER: {in ship} Gah! Oh well, at least it wasn't anything too...
{A meteor crashes into it}
BLUE LAZOR COMMANDER: {in ship} Okay, at least it didn't-
{Several small meteors attack the ship and pile up on the ground}
BLUE LAZOR COMMANDER: -blow up...
{The ship blows up, a portal opens and then closes}
{Cut to a unknown wasteland, a ship lands, some characters go out of it, close-up of the scene, outside the ship}
CONCHRIS: Hm... smells like sewers, we must be close.
CRURIROAR (CONCREW): Ugh! Smells awful though!
COOKSAR BAKER: Smells like Coach Z with questionable water all over him being chased by an angry Coach B.
CONCHRIS: Wait... {a green like ghost appears onscreen} What is that!?
GREEN THINGY: I am a virus, I'm here to infect stuff! I'm no ordinary Computer virus, I can infect... YOU!
{The green thing charges at Conchris, he sidesteps out of the way and shoots it with his freeze gun}
CONCHRIS: Eek, We're close to find the re-generator AND the source of those viruses in the H*R world.
HOMESTAR: You mean our Computer Boxes will be a sploded? OH NO!
CONCHRIS: Ugh. At least wear pants.
HOMESTAR: But I wear pants! Long pants! I'm a long pants, long pants man! {rants on about him wearing pants in the background}
CONCHRIS: Let's go then.
{Cut to inside the building}
CONCHRIS: What a convenience! We have entered the building! Now let's search for clues gang!
FOREST (CONCREW): Although I don't get very much lines here, but shouldn't we leave that to those meddling kids and their dog?
CONCHRIS: Nah, let's ruin their reputation by doing so anyway.
{Cut to some corridor, the camera follows the Concrew and Homestar}
CRURIROAR (CONCREW): Why did we get stuck with this moron?
HOMESTAR: I'm sorry, the correct answer is... Oh wait, this isn't The Show!
FOREST (CONCREW): SHUT UP!
HOMESTAR: Fine!
{The scene goes on for a while}
HOMESTAR: Are we there yet?
{Cut to another corridor, The Blue Lazor Commander and Leader are dressed up as Bread and a box of cereal}
BLUE LAZOR COMMANDER: Why did we have to dress up as me being Bread and you being a box of cereal? I WANNA BE A BOX OF CEREAL TOO!
BLUE LAZOR LEADER: No way! You're just a n00b! Maybe when you're older!
BLUE LAZOR COMMANDER: Okay. Fine. Let's find that re-generator.
{The two Blue Lazors walk off-screen, Conchris comes in}
CONCHRIS: Hm... Now if I was a re-generator, where would I be?
{Camera pans towards a button which says "PUSH THE BUTTON AND IT IS WILL BE SEEN BEHIND YOU"}
CONCHRIS: Thank goodness for that conveniently placed button!
{Fade out to black}
Part IV
VOICEOVER: In the last part of Con_105mail.exe.
{Cut to the same scene before part 3 ended}
CONCHRIS: Thank goodness for that conveniently placed button!
{Cut to a blank scene again}
VOICEOVER: Now, we return you to your original programme.
{Cut to a badly drawn field}
VOICEOVER: {quickly} Due to the fact that Part 4 was destroyed, we have to replace it, enjoy this badly drawn ending.
BADLY DRAWN MAN: Hey guys! I got idea!
BADLY DRAWN MAN 2: It not another bad, it?
BADLY DRAWN OBJECT: I are robot! Me kill!
{The "robot" squashes Badly Drawn Man}
BADLY DRAWN MAN: I are dying...
{pause, then laughter, Conchris bursts in}
CONCHRIS: ARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH! STOP WITH THE MORON TALK! GAAAAAAHHHH!
{Conchris stomps on Badly Drawn Man 2, kicks Badly Drawn Object and throws Badly Drawn Man into the badly drawn hills}
CONCHRIS: Much better, now where were we? Oh yeah.
{Cut to the same scene before Part 3 ended, again}
CONCHRIS: -button! {cut to the button, it says "PUSH ME PLEASE!"} But it's red... Should I push it?
{A box with Yes and No with the words "Push Button?" above it, the cursor changes between the two, until it selects "Yes"}
CONCHRIS: Okay!
{Conchris pushes the button, he gets electrocuted, falls over burnt and a passageway opens}
CONCHRIS: {Off-screen} Ow... BUNNIES! GET ME SOME HEALTH!
{Some bunnies come on-screen carrying some sort of health and throws it to Conchris, who rises up again, still burnt}
CONCHRIS: Thanks mysterious bunnies which has appeared at the right time! Now off to the re-generator!
{Conchris runs off-screen, he comes back on-screen}
CONCHRIS: Oh wait, the passageway is that way.
{Conchris walks off-screen again, cut to Homestar in a strange place}
HOMESTAR: Whoa! All trippy and stuff!
{A pair of pants appears on the floor}
HOMESTAR: Ooh! A pair of pants!
{The pants gets VOIP'D away}
HOMESTAR: Oh well, I never liked it anyway...
{Cut to the re-generator}
BLUE LAZOR COMMANDER: We're here!
{Conchris walks on-screen}
CONCHRIS: GASP! Walking Box of Cereal and Bread!
BLUE LAZOR LEADER: Actually, I'm a walking Pizza and he is a walking Pie. You are hallucinating. Close your eyes and count to 10, the exploding of the re-generator is normal. Do it, NOW!
{Pause, a strike of lightning hits the ground}
CONCHRIS: No, Food can't talk!
BLUE LAZOR COMMANDER: I told you not to disguise as food! And look what happens! {Conchris sneaks up on the Blue Lazor Leader and hits him over the head with some melee weapon, Conchris then puts on the Pizza costume whilst Blue Lazor Commander is talking} Why do you have to dress us up as food? It's stupid! Well? Are you going to accept the fact that you are too stupid for this stuff?
CONCHRIS: Actually...
{Cut to another place with Conchris and Blue Lazor Commander's shadows, Conchris attacks him with the same melee weapon and the Blue Lazor Commander is knocked out. Cut back to the same scene before}
CONCHRIS: Too easy, Con_email.exe is saved!
{Conchris gets knocked over}
CONCHRIS: Oof! {looks up} What the...
{Pan up to the top of the re-generator}
MYSTERIOUS GUY: I have come to settle this once and for all!
CONCHRIS: Who is this?
MYSTERIOUS GUY: Remember the time you killed me to put that stupid Greggo into your email show?
CONCHRIS: Conril?
CONRIL: Correct, and now, with the re-generator, I can destroy Con_email.exe and prevent my destruction!
CONCHRIS: I am so going to kill you. {brings out his freeze ray}
CONRIL: BRING IT ON!
{Conril dives down to meet Conchris, Conchris jumps and ducks at Conril's attacks, and charges up the ray and fires, sending Conril to a wall}
CONRIL: You have improved since the last time I saw you!
CONCHRIS: BRING IT!
{Conril attacks Conchris with kicks and punches, Conchris blocks them but then he slips and gets sent flying to a wall}
CONRIL: {wields his melee weapon} Now to finish this!
{Conril strikes at Conchris but misses, as Conchris ducks, the sword is now stuck, Conchris jumps onto the sword and jumps into the air, and fires a charged blast from his ray}
CONRIL: GAH! That hurt! But now, I shall summon... TROGDOR!
{A long summoning of Trogdor, Trogdor then roars}
TROGDOR: 'Sup mortal, now I shall burninate any pathetic peasant {Conchris dresses Conril up as a peasant} who dares to cross my path. {notices Conril} Ah! It be peasant! Now I shall burninate you!
{A box comes up saying "Aww. How nice of him!", Conril gets burninated, points go up by 100}
CONRIL: GASP! I can't be destroyed! I just can't!
CONCHRIS: It's the stupid grave for you!
{Cut to the stupid grave}
CONRIL: This ain't the last time you should hear of {gets thrown in} meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... {thump}
CONCHRIS: Game Over, Conril.
{Cut to the ship, the cast are there}
CONCHRIS: You'll never know what has happened!
FOREST (CONCREW): Yay! My first Concrew line! Without Cruriroar or Chrionroar to interrupt!
CRURIROAR (CONCREW): You win. BUT BE WARNED! IF YOU GET ANOTHER FIRST LINE WITHOUT ME, I SHALL BURNINATE YOUR HEAD!
CHRIONROAR (CONCREW): I'm supposed to do that!
CRURIROAR (CONCREW): Well TOO BAD!
CONCHRIS: Ugh, let's just get home!
CONRAVER: What about Trogdor?
CONCHRIS: HOW DID YOU GET HERE?
CONRAVER: Uhhhh... Plot hole?
CONCHRIS: Oh don't worry, I had a plan with Trogdor...
{Cut to a cage, the Blue Lazor Commander and Leader wakes up, they are dressed as peasants}
BLUE LAZOR COMMANDER: Where are we? I remember being at the re-generator, but now, I'm here!
TROGDOR: 'Sup peasants!
BLUE LAZOR LEADER: {pokes the commander on the shoulder} Um... Commander...
BLUE LAZOR COMMANDER: {turns around} WhaaAAAAAAAAAATTTTTT!?
TROGDOR: MM! Burninated Peasant!
{Trogdor starts flaming at the commander and leader}
BLUE LAZOR LEADER: RUN!
{The leader and commander start running around the cage with Trogdor following}
BLUE LAZOR COMMANDER: Next time. YOW! I should be in charge! OUCH! HOT! YOUCH!
BLUE LAZOR LEADER: My stummy hurts...
{Cut to the field, the ship lands, Conchris comes out of it with the others except the Concrew, the ship blasts off again}
CONCHRIS: We're never going to do another space-like plot ever again!
STRONG BAD: {appears on-screen} You got that right! Your emails will never be as awesome as mines!
CONCHRIS: HEY! YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
STRONG BAD: No way. NERD!
CONCHRIS: GRAHHHHHH!
{Cut back to the crazy grave, a hand comes out and grabs the edge, Conril comes out}
CONRIL: DAaAaAaAm back to muffin stabbing!
{The Paper comes down saying "The End, (Click the The End to email Conchris)"}
CONRIL: DaAaAaAaAaAm gonna go banana apple licking!
VOICEOVER: Conril is back, again, in "Con_205mail.exe: This time it's not Con_105mail.exe!". Coming someday, maybe never.
{Cut to a blank screen, with the following, the Paper comes down saying, "Click Here to email Conchris"}
Author's Comment
5/5 - Better than my other emails I did. Deserves 5/5.
