RiffText/RTOD/SSXMails/Biolizard

SSXMail 3. Biolizard
Created On June 17th, 2006
Cast (in order of appearence): X On Fire, Thatkidsam, Icreature, Bubs, Biolizard, Strong Bad, Strong Mad, The Cheat
Locations: Bubs' Concession Stand, Bubs' Impound Lot, XOF's House, The Stick, NSMB Level 1-1(easter egg)

Transcript

{X On Fire, Thatkidsam, and Icreature are sitting at the back of Bubs'.}

X ON FIRE: What are we going to do about the world ending?

LIGHTNING GUY: Shall it end in fire, or shall it end in ice?
MR. CLOUD: Lightning Guy, you are the only man in the world who still reads poetry. Give it up!

THATKIDSAM: I already told you that's not going to happen.

LIGHTNING GUY: IT JUST ISN'T

X ON FIRE: Oh.

{Bubs leans in from the side, balancing a bunch of sno-cones

MR. CLOUD: When you're out of pre-school, give me a call.

on top of each other.}

BUBS: Because of you lounging around my stand, you're scaring off my customers!

X ON FIRE: How so?

BUBS: I'm not authorized to tell you that.

LIGHTNING GUY: Because it's actually his ugly mug that's scaring off the customers.

{Long pause.}

THATKIDSAM: ...WHAT??!?!?!!?!?!!??!?!?!!@#$%^&*()_+}|?>

MR. CLOUD: Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
LIGHTNING GUY: Everyone else is probably to busy kissing her with theirs.

BUBS: Just get away! Away!

ICREATURE: Whatever. We don't need him.

MR. CLOUD: WE DON'T NEED YO BLUE AZZ

NOXIGAR: Spelling "ass" with z's doesn't even properly censor how you're using the word. Why even do that? It's not a valid accent, either.

THATKIDSAM: Technically, we do.

{Thatkidsam points to the right, to Bubs' Impound Lot, which has a dagger-shaped car in the middle}

ICREATURE: Oh, no! He got the Stabmobile!

LIGHTNING GUY: Seriously, why are these people not in prison?

X ON FIRE: Don't worry. I'll handle this. The town fears me, so I can abuse them. {floats up to Bubs} Hey, Bubs, who said we have to leave?

BUBS: Well, uh, um...Bye! {runs off}

X ON FIRE: {walks back to the back}

MR. CLOUD: We're going back to the back and the back of the back.

Done.

THATKIDSAM: {mumbling} I wish I could do that...

LIGHTNING GUY: Well, X On Fire wishes harder. Deal with it.

The only thing I've got going for me is the Stabmobile, and I don't have that anymore.

MR. CLOUD: Would you like some cheese with that whine?

X ON FIRE: Hold on. {walks to the front of the stand} Hey, Bubs. I need a couple favors from you.

BUBS: What do you need?

X ON FIRE: The Stabmobile, and my house rebuilt.

LIGHTNING GUY: Chop chop, 'fore I get out my invisible whip.

BUBS: Yes, sir. {takes the Stabmobile keys out of his pocket, gives them to XOF, and runs off}

X ON FIRE: {walks over to the back of Bubs', tosses the keys to Thatkidsam} Bubs should be working on my house now.

MR. CLOUD: Screw climax, I'm a burning letter!

THATKIDSAM: Okay, good. Can't let ol' Stabby go. ...So, was your computer in your house when it got crushed?

X ON FIRE: Yeah, it wa-{stops dead in his tracks} AH! {runs off to his destroyed house}

THATKIDSAM: So, how's your computer?

LIGHTNING GUY: There's no heartbeat! I think we're too late!

X ON FIRE: Not too good. Watch. {turns on computer}

AOL VOICE(ON COMPUTER): You've got Fred Fredburger! {Fred Fredburger appears onscreen}

MR. CLOUD: Links in actions? It's worse

NOXIGAR: It's necessary context

than I thought!

THATKIDSAM: Ew. Ew. Ew. I suggest you use my N-Gage. {Hands XOF a beat-up-looking pice of electronics}

X ON FIRE: You have an N-Gage? {turns on N-Gage}

LIGHTNING GUY: There's no heartbeat! I think we're too late!

XOF!!!1

THE BIOLIZARD IS COMING!!
TAKE COVER!
ICREATUER

X ON FIRE: {to Icreature} Why would you need to email me to tell me that?

MR. CLOUD: Um, I think you are mistaken. This email was by Icreatuer.

ICREATURE: I sent that long ago.

X ON FIRE: Whatever. The Biolizard's not coming, and even if he is, I can just destroy him.

LIGHTNING GUY: With your

MR. CLOUD: Say "invisible whip" and I swear, Lightning Guy.

LIGHTNING GUY: But I like the invisible whip...

ICREATURE: Yeah, whatever.

BUBS: {walks up} The house is finally fixed!

X ON FIRE: Finally! {he, Thatkidsam, and Icreature go to XOF's house. Suddenly, the Biolizard falls out of the sky, and destroys XOF's house. XOF looks on in disbelief} AH! MY HOUSE! AGAIN! {creates two energy beams, hitting and destroying the Biolizard} Next time, don't destroy my house!

MR. CLOUD: Yes, it's his fault he fell out of the sky. You're always the victim.

THATKIDSAM: There won't be a next time. He's destroyed.

X ON FIRE: Whatever. {Strong Bad walks by} Hey, Strong Bad, I have a favor to a- {Strong Bad walks off} Darn it!

LIGHTNING GUY: You can't just incinerate his legs or anything like that?

THATKIDSAM: Did I never tell you that I was a mechanic? I specialize in house-fixing.

MR. CLOUD: In other words, you just suck worse at everything else.

X ON FIRE: ...Why didn't you tell me that!? I could have saved so much time!

THATKIDSAM: I'm, er, {nervously} off-duty... Yeah, off-duty.

X ON FIRE: Whatever. Just fix my house, okay? {teleports away}

LIGHTNING GUY: Wait, why can't he just teleport to his home planet?

MR. CLOUD: Because that would be inconvenient to the plot, Lightning Guy. Plus, he couldn't force feed 1.6

NOXIGAR: "Force feed." Right. It's not as if the Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki was actually good.

into it.

{Meanwhile...}

{Strong Bad, The Cheat, and Strong Mad are at The Stick.}

STRONG BAD: Okay, I'm getting sick of that fire guy. I say we all go to THE MOOOOOOOON!

MR. CLOUD: You see what I'm talking about? It follows rules and quite subtly, I might add.

{Meanwhile...}

ICREATURE: Wow, that was a short cutaway.

LIGHTNING GUY: "I just found this problem. You want me to fix it?" "Nah, just hang a lampshade to it instead."

THATKIDSAM: So... What do we do now?

ICREATURE: Let's advertise!

{Icreature shape-shifts into a Microsoft logo, and Thatkidsam happily drinks a very large Coke bottle.}

LIGHTNING GUY: Coke Extra: Diabetes in a bottle!

{X On Fire telports in.}

X ON FIRE: Aren't you two supposed to be carpentinating?

MR. CLOUD: Why would you ever think that to be a word ever?

THATKDSAM: Why? You never gave a reason.

X ON FIRE: {grows to twenty times his current size} Well?

LIGHTNING GUY: Get a tank of gas. I heard that usually calms fires.

THATKIDSAM: I see your point. {begins working}

X ON FIRE: Well, that's about it for today. {shrinks to normal size} I've got to get some more Mega Mushrooms. {walks off}

{The paper comes down.}

Fun Facts

Easter Eggs

• Click on Thatkidsam at the end to see the following easter egg:
  

{Cut to footage from level 1-1 of The New Super Mario Bros. XOF is replacing Mario.}

X ON FIRE: Well, this is weird. {gets hit by a goomba} Ouch.

MR. CLOUD: A bad Sonic and bad Mario reference in one episode! Is this some kind of record, Lightning Guy?
LIGHTNING GUY: Sadly, no.

References

• Mega Mushrooms are items in The New Super Mario Bros. for the Nintendo DS that allow you to grow to an immense size and blow through obstacles and enemies.
• Fred Fredburger is a character from The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy.
• The Biolizard is a boss in Sonic Adventure 2.

General Fun Facts

• This email was also written by X On Fire and Thatkidsam.