RiffText/RTOD/SSXMails/The Grand Beginning

SSXMail 1. The Grand Beginning
Created On 15:37, 28 Sep 2005 (MDT)
Cast (in order of appearence): X On Fire, Strong Bad
Locations: Dark Area, Strong Bad's Computer Room, X On Fire's House, Bathroom

XOF starts off with a quest...

LIGHTNING GUY: WHAT IS YOUR QUEST?

to be finished in email 50.

LIGHTNING GUY: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?

NOXIGAR: I sometimes forget Monty Python being replicated in the good ol' post-2010 era of the WUW was still largely a thing.

MR. CLOUD: Uh, France? No, I meant Brit-

{Mr. Cloud is cast into the gorge of eternal peril.}

He also talks about his hair, for some reason. Weirdo...

{Mr. Cloud drops back into his seat}
MR. CLOUD: Wait, I'm back here? Lightning Guy, you tease, you!

Transcript

{Static appears, which slowly fades into a pitch-black room,

LIGHTNING GUY: Mr. Cloud, we've gone blind!

MR. CLOUD: And we can't see anything, either!

LIGHTNING GUY: :I

and X On Fire's outline can be seen.}

X ON FIRE: Hello. My name is X On Fire. I have been trapped in Free Country for a week now. Many of you may consider this a dream come true,

LIGHTNING GUY: It'd be a dream come true to see anything. Turn on the damn lights!

but I have more important things to deal with.

MR. CLOUD: You were going to "deal with" us for wanting you gone? For some reason I don't feel intimidated.

An evil force who was created to destroy, named Dark X, has trapped me here, with only one way of escaping. If I ever want to go home, I must find a ship called the "Omega Starcarrier." It is the only ship powerful enough to survive the trip. If I do not get home soon, Dark X will completely destroy my entire home planet. Unfortunately, all traces of the Omega Starcarrier have been lost for millions of years. I may be here for a while.

LIGHTNING GUY: Oh well. Wanna get a drink?
MR. CLOUD: Fo sho.

{The darkness fades away, and reveals that X On Fire is in Strong Bad's Computer Room. The Lappy is gone, and X On Fire is using the "Type-Zap 9000".}

X ON FIRE: {jumps up, looks at the email summary}

LIGHTNING GUY: 'WHAT IS YOUR QUE-Whoa, déjà vu.

What? I'm not staying here for 50 emai- er, I mean, days...Yeah, let's go with that...

MR. CLOUD: So are we doing that bridge of death thing or what?

{X On Fire jumps back down, and looks at the screen.}

X ON FIRE: Hey everybody. According to some jerk, not mentioning any names, I'm going to be here for a while. Well, I gue- Wait. Who are you? What are you doing here? Why are you watching me? AAAAHHHH! {runs offscreen}

LIGHTNING GUY: Oh no, our cover's blown!
MR. CLOUD: Mr. Exoeff, tear down this wall!

{Cut to the side of Strong Bad's house. X On Fire runs on from the left.}

X ON FIRE: Woah, that was a clo- Ahhh! They're following me! AAAHHH!!! {runs away, and heads back inside his house, and locks the door} LEAVE ALL ME ALONE!

LIGHTNING GUY: It's no use running. The black man always dies first. All him.

{Cut to a techinical difficulties screen, which disappears after five seconds. X On Fire is back in SB's Computer Room.}

X ON FIRE: Sorry about that. Now, let's get to the email thing.

STRONG BAD: {runs in from the left, angry} HEY! THE EMAIL SHOW IS MINE! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOut.. {notices X On Fire is there} Err, I mean, about time you started answering emails! Well, I have to go on a mission to the moon for an undisclosed period of time. Bye! {runs away}

MR. CLOUD: Pretty anxious about a talking candle.

LIGHTNING GUY: I don't blame him. Have you seen those things dance?

NOXIGAR: I don't see how. Also, I thought the quality dip was SSX's doing initially.

I crapped my pants

NAMINE: Translation: jizzed and turned it into a bar of soap

just looking at that.

X ON FIRE: Well, I guess I should give you a tour of my house.

{X On Fire walks out of the room, revealing that the room he was just in was in a small box, in a huge mansion. X On Fire's voice echos as he talks.}

X ON FIRE: Pretty sweet, isn't it? Oh, and if you're wondering why SB's Computer room is here, well, we made a deal. If he gave it to me, I would not kill him that day.

LIGHTNING GUY: with his invisible whip remember that

{walks back into the computer room and sits down at the Type-Zap 3000}

MR. CLOUD: You'd imagine that a tour of a huge mansion would be a bit longer.

What, did you expect me to sing some stupid rap?

LIGHTNING GUY: Not sure you can "sing" a rap.

{clicks on an "OPEN DOS" icon, and types the following}

a>open file_ssxmail.exe█

Hey X Man,
Have you ever dyed your hair? Or do you not even

MR. CLOUD: pause for effect

have hair?
A'ight,
Lunar Jesty

|

SUPER SONIC X: Well, Lunjes...I...well...I don't. Since I'm an X, I have no need to. But, there was that one time when I got that system virus...

LIGHTNING GUY: We're gonna get one of these

NOXIGAR: I think it's just a flashback episode for a reason.

every day, aren't we? Aren't we?!

MR. CLOUD: Hold it together, Lightning Guy! I haven't finished setting up your life insurance yet.

{Fade to one of X On Fire's memories. He is in a bathroom, with hair jel in his hand.}

X ON FIRE: Well, since I am obviously a living creature,

MR. CLOUD: That just happens to be completely made up of flames.

and not a robot, let alone a virused robot,

I see no harm in dyeing my hair. {opens the hair jel bottle}

{Hair jel spills all over X On Fire's X.

LIGHTNING GUY: {whispering} His X is his naughty parts.

Sparks begin flying out.}

LIGHTNING GUY: He must have had a wild night.

X ON FIRE: KKKkkaZZZZrlloo... {falls onto the ground}

{Fade back to present day}

X ON FIRE: AUGH! THE PAIN! THE MEMORY! IT SHALL HAUNT ME FOREVER! WHY DID I TRY TO DIE MY HAIR?

MR. CLOUD: I'm pretty sure your hair has no idea why you tried to die. Perhaps you should see a therapist instead.

{returns to normal, speaks sarcastically} Well, thanks, Lungeman. Now I have to erase my memory again. I hope you're happy. {walks off}

MR. CLOUD: JUST GONNA BE WALDIN' OFF NOW

{The Paper comes down. It reads, "Hello, people. Please don't tell Strong Bad I'm helping XOF." More of it prints out, reading, "Click here to email X On Fire at [email protected]."}

Easter Eggs

• Click on "XOF" on the paper to see the following scene:

{X On Fire is in a room with large screens all around him. He takes out a small wire. His X is open, and he begins hitting it with the wire.}

LIGHTNING GUY: That's...not a pleasing image.

NOXIGAR: Because your mind has to go in the gutter.

X ON FIRE: Arg! Ow! AH! {the wire gets stuck} AAAAHHHHH! {shuts down, and then immediately turns back on} Em pleh ydobemos nac, ylsuoires?

Fun Facts

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