RiffText/RTOD/Bling Emails/DND

WARNING:IF YOU ARE JEWISH, THIS MAY OFFEND YOU

LIGHTNING GUY: Jewish people are too busy running our companies to notice this stuff.

NOXIGAR: Lightning Guy is too much of an anti-Semite for me to recognize anything he says as funny.

You'll be fine.

Summary

• Intro:(failed) Iron Man parody
• Cast:Grundy, 1-Up, Bling, Gregory Isaac Bronzman(DnD Greg), DnD Greg's mom(Avigail Bronzman), Anti-Bling/Ezekiel...
• Places:Bling's Computer Room, DnD Greg's house

Transcript

{Grundy crams a roll of bread down 1-up's throat}

1-UP:{distorted voice} I AM EMAIL MAAAAAN.

LIGHTNING GUY: You just look like a freak with a roll of bread in your throat to me.

{Grundy plays some distorted chords. 1-up coughs up the bread. Bling walks in}

ALL: Has he d'leted email? Can he check or can't he type?

1-UP: Can he type at all? Or if he checks will he fail?

LIGHTNING GUY: He will.

GRUNDY: Is he typing at all-

{the music dies down}

GRUNDY: Y'know what? I can't do this. It's just repeating everything to the tune of "Iron Man".

BLING: Yeah, this sucks. Someone fire the script writer.

LIGHTNING GUY: Someone actually writes this crap?

NOXIGAR: Yes. Someone does, in fact, write this "crap."

{The Cheat walks off grumbling to himself}

subject: rpg

Dear Buh-ling,
Have you ever played any role-playing games with friends, like Dungeons and Dragons?
- Sketchstar Scribble

BLING: AAH! THAT REMINDS ME! WHAT DAY IS IT?

LIGHTNING GUY: SCREAM LIKE AN IDIOT DAY!

GRUNDY: Thursday-OH FRAG!

1-UP: QUICK! GRUNDY, YOU GET THE COMPUTER! BLING! DO A MEANINGLESS VOICEOVER EXPLAINING THIS! I'LL GET THE CAR READY! {runs off}

{Grundy grabs the computer and him and Bling run off.

LIGHTNING GUY: Grundy grabs the computer and him runs off.

Cut to outside the house. 1-up turns the car on. Bling and Grundy run outside and get in the car. 1-up drives off. Cut to a driving montage}

BLING:{voiceover} You see, every Thursday, me, 1-up, Grundy, and Anti-Bling go over to DnD Greg's, or, Greg Bronzman's house to play DnD.

LIGHTNING GUY: oh i get it now

NOXIGAR: I can't trust that you understand.

No idea where Anti-Bling is, though.

{cut to DnD Greg's house. 1-up drives up. The three get out of the car. DnD Greg opens the door}

DND GREG: Hey, you made it! {looks around} Say, any idea where Anti-Bling is?

GRUNDY: We thought he was already here.

DND GREG: Hmm. Well, he isn't. Maybe we'll have a better chance of winning now.

1-UP: Yeah.

LIGHTNING GUY: The action never stops.

BLING:{voiceover} Well, Anti-Bling is a DnD MASTER. We rarely beat him!

{the four go inside the house. Cut to a Dungeon-styled basement. There are fake skeletons hanging from chains on the walls. A coffee table is styled to look like it rose out of the ground}

BLING: Wow. You styled it to look like were in medieval times.

LIGHTNING GUY: Oh. I thought he styled it to look like were in the 1980s.

DND GREG: Yeah. Do you like it?

GRUNDY: Like it? THIS IS AWESOME, GREG!

GREG: Thanks.

{Greg's mom, Avigail Bronzman,

LIGHTNING GUY: Specifics are important.

opens the door}

AVIGAIL: Greggie, there's another friend of yours here!

GREG: MO-OM! I TOLD YOU TO CALL ME DARK KNIGHT GREGORY WHEN I'M PLAYING!

LIGHTNING GUY: "Don't you take that tone of voice with me, young man!"

BLING: Wait, friend?

LIGHTNING GUY: He obviously doesn't have any friends.

GREG: Oh crap.

{Anti-Bling walks in}

GRUNDY: AARGH! HE'S HERE!

ANTI-BLING: Hehe.

LIGHTNING GUY: Sheshe.

Prepare to be humiliated, guys.

AVIGAIL: Have fun! {walks away, closes the door}

BLING: {sighs} Hey, Anti-Bling.

ANTI-BLING: Please. Call me

LIGHTNING GUY: Ishmael.

Ezekiel.

LIGHTNING GUY: Close enough.

NOXIGAR: No, they aren't.

GRUNDY:{eye twitches} MY GOD, IS EVERYONE HERE JEWISH?!!!

{Ezekiel and Greg stare angrily at Grundy. Bling starts crying}

BLING: I'm Jewish too, you {long bleep}

LIGHTNING GUY: You sound like a God-fearing man.

{everyone stares at Bling surprised}

BLING:{now angry, demonic voice} Prepare to be defeated VEEERY EARRLY.

GRUNDY:{scared} Eep.

LIGHTNING GUY: He's scared of a bell with ears.

{cut to a 3-D Runescape-like dungeon. Five odd-looking humans are there. one has a yellow shirt with red boots(Grundy/Poultrosien). Another is wearing an orange cloak(Bling/Bronze Beat). Another is wearing a red cloak with a star on it(1-up/Puddeman). Another is a horned inverted form of the orange-cloaked one(Ezekiel/Sapphire Bomb). And the last one is wearing a pitch-black suit of armor(Greg/Dark Knight Gregory)}

PUDDEMAN: Okay, let's-

{a Panda-like dragon crushes Puddeman.

LIGHTNING GUY: How unexpected.

A Stinkoman-like dragon (Dragonguy)flies in}

DRAGONGUY: HAHAHA! PANDRAGON CAN'T FLY! HAHAHA! HE CRUSHED YOU! HAHAHA! HE'S A GOOD DRAGON!

LIGHTNING GUY: How totally unexpected.

SAPPHIRE BOMB: BB, you get Poultrosien. I got Dragonguy.

BRONZE BEAT: Got it. {pulls out sword, charges at Poultrosien}

{Sapphire Bomb pulls out a water capsule, ands

LIGHTNING GUY: Bes careful.

forces it down Dragonguy's throat, extinguishing it}

DRAGONGUY: IS THAT ALL YOU GOT? {pulls out a case of capsules labeled "Power Crunches", eats a capsule}

SAPPHIRE BOMB: Heh. {pulls a piece of paper off the box. The label NOW reads "Poison Power Crunches}

DRAGONGUY: Oh. F-

LIGHTNING GUY: -unny.

{dies}

BRONZE BEAT: DIE, YOU HEBREWPHOBIC

LIGHTNING GUY: Maybe we'd respect you more if you didn't call us things like "hebrewphobic".

FREAK!!!! {stabs katanas into Poultrosien's chest, dissapars. reappears in orange ninja garb, throws some shuriken into the back of Poultrosien's head}

POULTROSIEN: I... hate... you-{dies}

BRONZE BEAT: I killed him, Sapphire Bo-{kills over}

DKG:{pulls lance out of BB's back} Haha. You let your guard down.

LIGHTNING GUY: First rule of DnD: Trust no one.

NOXIGAR: First rule of Paranoia: Trust every one, to where it becomes not trusting anyone.

{back explodes with shiny blue blood (sapphire chrystals)} Uhh-{dies}

LIGHTNING GUY: FIRST RULE OF FREAKING DND!

NOXIGAR: That isn't the actual first rule.

SAPPHIRE BOMB: So did you. Wait... {looks behind him. Pandragon is wearing Puddeman's cloak (Pandrapuddu)} You weirdo. You fused with Puddeman! Hmph. {throws some pudding on Pandrapuddu's tail}

PANDRAPUDDU: Ooh! {eats self out of existence}

LIGHTNING GUY: Instead of just his tail, for some reason.

SAPPHIRE BOMB: Heh. I win again.

{cut back to the basement}

SAPPHIRE BOMB: Hehehe.

LIGHTNING GUY: Theytheythey.

{Bling is happy. all the others are grumbling to themselves.

LIGHTNING GUY: But Bling lost, too. He was stabbed by a basement dweller. I wouldn't be too jolly if that happened to me.

NOXIGAR: Being stabbed by a basement dweller insinuates you get out at all.

Cut back to the computer room}

BLING:{typing} Yeah, I know that's not real DnD. BUT, that's how WE play.

LIGHTNING GUY: Loser gets the egg!

NOXIGAR: You already have the egg.

{the paper comes down}