RiffText/Jose/s1e02

Summary

Amidst terrorist threats, Jose gets more than he bargained for.

NAMINE: Amidst confirmed rumours of Dan and Lex trying to replace me with Vanilla Ice, I get more than I bargained for.

Transcript

{Open to a dark office lit by lone desk lamp. Jose is seated alone in an office chair smoking a cigarette}

JOSE: (v/o) Much has changed in the past two years.

NAMINE: So, you've gone the Gainax route.

LEX: Good thing, or bad?
NAMINE: Bad.
{Short pause.}

LEX: I see.

{Jose pulls open a curtain, revealing a porthole looking over the vast emptiness of space.}

JOSE: (v/o) Civil War. El Pueblo de Cuerno de Carnero wanted their 15 minutes of fame. They wanted 1 billion frayed Spacebux injected to their Mexicredit account. And they'd do anything for it.

NAMINE: Looks like I'm going to have to go to El Pueblo de Cuerno de Carnero to settle the score.

{Pans to newspaper clipping on wall. "SPACE MEXICAN GOVERNMENT RECIEVES TERRORIST THREATS"}

JOSE: (v/o) I don't negotiate with terrorists. But they won.

{Newspaper clipping, "WEALTHY POLISH IMMIGRANT CHAOS MALIFACTOVICH ASSASSINATED IN SPACEMEX CASINO"}

NAMINE: Malifactovich?

LEX: Rolling with the punches helps you not ask too much of the plot. What little plot there is, at least.
{Namine shrugs.}

NAMINE: Very well.

JOSE: (v/o) They took Chaos first. The new guy. And then the rest.

{Clippings flash in order of murder. "MATHEMATICIAN NOXIGAR GUADALUPE FOUND COMATOSE IN SPACEMEX ALLEY", "TRUST FUND KOOK LEXON DARKHEART FOUND DEAD, SUSPECTED SUICIDE BECAUSE HE'S CRAZY", "PLUMBING CEO CD-I MARIO DEAD"}

NAMINE: Convenient. Bloody convenient.

LEX: I thought you were going to say "incorrigible."

NAMINE: What? Why?

JOSE: (v/o) At the end, it was me, AVGN, D'arque, and Honeydew. They saved the worst for us. Honeydew got thrown in the middle of an asteroid belt. D'arque was dropped from a helicopter into a volcano. AVGN... my SON... kidnapped unless I paid the billion. Presumably, they killed him. I wouldn't know, because they put me here.

NAMINE: I'm sure Mr. Poop-on-Game would be on the news if he died.

{Jose opens a drawer and pulls out a handgun.}

JOSE: I hope he outlives me.

NAMINE: He might. Bugs Bunny might also be screwing your son's wife.

LEX: How do you know about Bugs?
NAMINE: I have approximate knowledge of many things.
{Short pause.}

LEX: Noxigar told you, didn't he?

{Cut to a view outside, uprooted office room floating through space. A gunshot is heard. Fade to black.}

The End.

{It is revealed that this is not actually the end, as news reporters flock to the scene and open the door cautiously, hearing the gunshot echo through space. They find Jose shooting a gun into the floor.}

JOSE: Thank god you guys came! I'm moving to Space USA!

SHELDON COOPER: Bazoiple!

NAMINE: Oh, that's just swell. So I have to travel to Space USA for answers.