Zarel Emails/3

This email has been re-written as of 2014. To view the original, click here.

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Zarel E-Mail #3

Zarel is asked what he would do with one billion dollars.

Cast (in order of appearance): Zarel, Homestar, Bubs, Coach Z

Places: Zarel's House, The Stick, Bubs' Concession Stand, The Field

Transcript

{Cut to Zarel's Room}

ZAREL: Tonight on Zarel E-Mail, we talk to the one...the only...er...whoever sent this email.

Subject: Money

Dear Zarel,

If you had a billion dollars, what would you buy first?

Not Your Friend,

Raiku Samiyaza

{Zarel says "Well that's not very nice..." after reading "Not Your Friend"}

ZAREL: {typing} Well, I was never your friend either, Mr. Hairyama! I don’t even know who you are! But anyway- {clears screen} A billion mig ones, eh? Er...A million big ones...a billion dollars. What would I do with a billion dollars? What would I, Zarel Mikhail Lewis III do with one billion-

HOMESTAR: Hey, Zarel, Hey, Zarel, Hey, Zarel!

ZAREL: I really need to start locking my door...

HOMESTAR: Hmph! Fine! We'll take out outside!

{Cut to The Stick}

HOMESTAR: So as I was saying before... Hey, Zarel, Hey, Zarel, Hey, Zar-

ZAREL: Get to the point.

HOMESTAR: I know, I know. I was just saying what I was saying before.

ZAREL: Ugh. ANYWAY...Homestar, what would you do with a billion bucks?

HOMESTAR: Well, I'd probably buy my own website and fill it with many different clips and shorts of me and my escapades with my friends. Maybe give Strong Bad a little show...maybe give you a little-

ZAREL: Homestar...you already have a site.

HOMESTAR: I know! It'd be called homestarrunner.ne-WHAAAAAAT?

ZAREL: {sigh} Never mind.

{Cut to Bubs' Concession Stand}

BUBS: A billion dollars, eh? I'd say you could spend it all on plenty of fine goods from my concession stand, including-

ZAREL: Bubs...with a billion dollars I could buy the concession stand and put you out of business.

BUBS: {angry} So that's your evil scheme! I'm sorry, but I ain't selling!

{Bubs slams the steel door down as if to close the store, closing it on Zarel's hand and detaching it.}

ZAREL: Yipe! Anyway, I...oh crap. Uh...Bubs? My hand? {wiggles handless arm} Hello? {bangs arm on the metal door}

BUBS: {offscreen} Ten dollars for admission, twenty for the hand!

ZAREL: Oh, you cheap little...

{Cut to the Field, Zarel's missing hand is replaced with a bucket. He sits on his bucket hand. Coach Z walks in}

COACH Z: Hey there, Zorrel! What gotcha down?

ZAREL: I don't know what I'd do with a billion dollars. Also, I lost my hand to Bubs.

COACH Z: Sounds like a narsty game of strip poker to me! Anyway, the best way to find out what to do with a milliorn dallers is to start makin' it! Now put that bucket to use and drop me some beats!

ZAREL: Uh...sure?

{Zarel drums on the buckets to a rhythmic beat}

COACH Z: {rapping} These peoples try to fade me!

ZAREL: They try to what you?

{Cut back to the Cappy}

ZAREL: {typing slowly} Well, Sushiyama, I have no freakin' clue what I'd do. I guess, save...for an emergency or something. {stops} Well this sucks, I only have one actual Zarel hand now; how can this get any worse?

NOTICE

You have one new message.

ZAREL: Huh. I wonder what this could be.

Subject: Buckethands

Dear Zarel,

How do you type with a bucket for a hand?

Sincerely,

Homestar

{Zarel lets out a huge groan, The Paper comes down}

Easter Eggs

• Click on "Buckethands" for a scene.

Easter Egg Transcript

{Cut to Bubs' Concession Stand}

COACH Z: Say there, Bubs, whatcha got today?

BUBS: A lucky dragon's paw! Only ten bucks! {Holds up Zarel's disembodied hand}

COACH Z: Holy gorsh! That's the best looking back and butt scratcher I've seen in my life!

{Zarel in the distance lets out a huge groan}

Trivia

• Homestar talks about getting a website if he had a billion dollars, when he already has one already.
• Zarel's bucket hand and the Coach Z rap are references to sbemail: new hands. I had planned on giving Zarel the new hands email instead of this.
• Bubs calls Zarel's hand a "lucky dragon's paw," which refers to monkey paws or rabbit's feet, which were believed to bring good luck.
• This is the first instance of Zarel's take-apart ability in Zarel E-Mail. The first in his entire filmography was in his character video.
• Hairyama is the name of a Pokémon.