(even if you aren't vegan)
RiffText/AruseusEmails/msw3
Cast {in order of appearance}: Tom, Axel, Tex, Austin, TJ, various RPG type monsters, Zarel, Aruseus, Chuck Norris (easter egg)
NAMINE: Please tell me there's an email in this somewhere.
Places: Courtroom, Random Valley
Computer: None
Date: January 9th, 2009
Transcript
{Cut to the Courtoom, two officers carry off Axel}
TOM: So it was him all along. Murder, for attention.
AUSTIN: That's what happens when you don't get enough screentime.
TEX: What are they going to do to him?
TOM: Well, TJ decided that he didn't need Axel anymore, so they're going to throw him in a car crusher.
TEX: It's like a guillotine, but for androids.
NOXIGAR: I bet I could make eight Reploids that would be vastly appealing to Lex and Chaos.
NAMINE: Is one of them a Reploid version of me?
NOXIGAR: I wouldn't have anywhere to put you in a weakness cycle, not gonna lie.
TOM: Yup. And a guillotine wouldn't work anyway, he'd still somehow get his head reattached.
TEX: Speaking of which, random question. Austin, is that a mask or is your head just made of bone-NO THAT WASN'T MEANT TO BE AN INSULT.
AUSTIN: Well, truth is...it's a mask. As a memorial my race will wear the skull of their deceased parent on their head.
{Tom and Tex both stare awkwardly at Austin}
AUSTIN: WHAT?! It's just culture!
TOM: Speaking of deceased, now we have no more Arumail!
TEX: No more entertainment.
AUSTIN: No more idiocy.
NAMINE: Well said, Austin!
{Namine attempts to high-five Austin.}
{Tom glares at Austin}
TOM: Okay, I SAY WE BRING HIM BACK!
TEX: Yes...but how?
TOM: We go on some cheesy quest to collect some stuff and make a wish and crap that'll bring our buddy back!
AUSTIN: Or we could ask TJ.
TJ: {offscreen} I prefer the cheesy quest!
NAMINE: I-
NOXIGAR: 2008. I would've done cheesy quest in 2008, too.
NOXIGAR: Why else am I capable of riffing half of this stuff at all?
{Namine sighs.}
NOXIGAR: Hindsight is a bitch, but I've learned from many of my mistakes on here.
NAMINE: Wait, really?
AUSTIN: Damn it!
{cut to a random valley}
AUSTIN: So why are we in this random valley?
TOM: We have to use the Komodo Map to find the seven Komodo Orbs! After that, we use them to summon the mighty dragon, Shinguard, who will grant us a wish, and then just wish for Aruseus to come back and BAM! Quest over.
NAMINE: Why is this familiar?
NOXIGAR: The number seven is done to death. That's why.
TEX: Is this some obligatory anime reference?
TOM: Right! Because references are what make email shows go 'round!
NAMINE: No, they-
NOXIGAR: 2008. I live and let live the whole referential humour thing. At least it's honed and better-utilized.
AUSTIN: So what the hell do these even look like?
TOM: Well, Komodo Orbs are red orbs with a different number of squares ranging from one to seven. Collect all seven, and make a wish.
AUSTIN: Holy crap! A random encounter!
{The screen does a black spiral transition. The three heroes (Tom, Tex, and Austin) appear on an RPG-esque scene. The following messages appear}
Slime Appears!
TEX: {voiceover} Generic RPG enemy. Woo.
Tex attacks! 1 damage to Slime! (19/20)
TEX: {voiceover} Come on!
Tom casts Fireball! 1 damage to Slime! (18/20)
TOM: {voiceover} Damn, I suck.
Austin attacks! 467 damage to Slime! (-485/20)
TOM: {voiceover} What the?!
Slime has fallen!
TOM: {voiceover} Damn you, Austin...
Austin gained 30 XP! Tex gained 20 XP! Tex is now Level 3! Tom gained 20 XP!
Your party collected a rusty dagger! 30G obtained!
{Cut back}
NOXIGAR: I have a sudden urge to kick Final Fantasy 6 in the teeth.
NAMINE: How come?
NOXIGAR: If something smells and acts like Final Fantasy 6...
NOXIGAR: Two words: Opera. Flowers.
NAMINE: But there aren't any in this.
TOM: Well that was pointless!
TEX: I gained a level! Don't call it pointless!
AUSTIN: Wait...what's that?
{Pan to see the 2-square Komodo Orb}
TOM: A Komodo Orb! Let's get it!
{The three run on to grab it, but before they can, they freeze and the spiral transition comes up again}
{RPG BATTLE TIEM}
NAMINE: So can I riff Rebotnek's Mean Bean Machein or whatever?
NOXIGAR: That's actually good, though. And funny.
{Namine smiles.}
NAMINE: So... can I riff it? I at least want to read that instead of this any day of the week.
NOXIGAR: Yeah, anything to give you more screentime in general to be honest.
TOM: {voiceover} God damnit...
Dancing Rock appears!
TOM: What the f-
Austin attacks! 679 damage to Dancing Rock! (-659/20)
Dancing Rock has fallen!
TOM: {voiceover} Can't we just skip this?
Austin gained 70 XP! Tex and Tom gained no XP for being lazy asses!
TEX: {voiceover} HEY!
{Cut back}
TOM: So we got the first orb. Now what?
{Austin walks in holding the 3, 4, and 7-square Orbs}
AUSTIN: I just found 3 more.
TEX: Me too! {holding the 5, 1, and 6-square Orbs}
TOM: I guess it's time to wish!
{The three lay the Komodo Orbs down which start to glow.}
TOM: Arise, great dragon, Shinguard!
{Zarel starts falling out of the sky, wearing a Santa hat}
ZAREL: AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH-OOF!
{Zarel hits the ground and breaks apart}
TOM: Zarel, what the hell are you doing here?
ZAREL: There is no Zarel, only Zuul...I mean...Shinguard. {starts waving his arms around, in an ominous voice} And I will grant you threeeeeeeeeeee wishes. {normal} Wait, no, only one.
TOM: We want our friend back!
ZAREL: Oh! I see! Tell me when to stop as I read this list of rejected characters. Let's see... {puts on reading glasses} Hm...Garzel...Algernon...
NAMINE: Garzel's a rejected character?! That's a low blow, even for Ryan Bluefox's writing standards!
TOM: {yelling} YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT!
ZAREL: {stares for a second and then continues to read} Roy, Roy Jr, Nick, Inner-
TOM: {furious} ARUSEUS, YOU DUMB SON OF A BITCH! BRING BACK ARUSEUS!
ZAREL: JEEZ! This is Komodo Orb Q, not "Tom and The Noid's PMS Hour..." Okay, fine.
NAMINE: This PMS joke makes me want to punch a brick wall.
NOXIGAR: Go for it.
{Namine punches a brick wall.}
{Zarel snaps his fingers, and then Aruseus, alive and well, falls from the sky and onto Tom}
TOM: OOF!
ARUSEUS: TOM!
TEX: Holy damn, he's alive!
ARUSEUS: I was dead?
AUSTIN: Yeah. Axel murdered you.
ARUSEUS: He killed me? That bastard!
TEX: Well, he died too.
ARUSEUS: Then I hope his soul forever BURNS IN THE FIERY CREVICES OF FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IN THE VERY REACHES OF THE DEPTHS OF HELL! {starts laughing manaically}
{The three stare at Aruseus awkwardly}
ARUSEUS: What?
{The Paper comes down, reading "Aruseus C. Parker, 1988-2008-2009"}
ARUSEUS: Is that supposed to mean something?
{The Paper prints further, reading "The third year is your rebirth date, fool."}
ARUSEUS: Oh! And I almost forgot! Happy belated 2nd anniversary to my show!
NOXIGAR: Ah, yes. This is when there was a transition to 2009, I think.
NAMINE: Yeah, that makes sense. Also this third part was decidedly too underwhelming.
NOXIGAR: There's only what, five more episodes?
TOM: Wow. We've been doing the same song and dance for 2 years now.
NAMINE: And we didn't improve at all since 2007 is the message I'm getting at here.
{The End.}
Easter Eggs
- Click on Austin to see an extra RPG battle scene.
Chuck Norris appears!
Austin attacks! 1 damage to Chuck Norris! (Infinity/Infinity)
Austin has fled!
TOM: {voiceover} Wimp.
Fun Facts (I ACTUALLY HAVE SOME!)
- A slime is a common enemy in some RPGs like Dragon Quest.
- The entire "cheesy quest" was a take on Dragon Ball Z. There are also a few similarities in names.
- Komodo Orb = Dragon Ball
- Komodo Map = Dragon Radar
- Shingard (or Zarel) = Shenron
- Komodo Orb Q = Dragon Ball Z
- Aruseus has come back! Woot.
NAMINE: Too much effort was put into this Fun Facts thing. All I get is this guy likes Dragon Quest and Dragon Ball and pretty much anything with Dragon at the front of it.
