(even if you aren't vegan)
RiffText/AruseusEmails/Badstar5
Court Records
- CASE NAME: Murder, She TURNABOUT
NOXIGAR: I'm relieved this happened before Dangan Ronpa.
NAMINE: Wait why do you dislike Dangan Ronpa?
NOXIGAR: I am largely unable to change my opinion of how bad Dangan Ronpa is, so yes it is incorrigible.
NOXIGAR: As much as I like mystery novels, ones that are entirely dependent on shocking swerves, horrible writing, Mary Sue bad guy in multiple chapters, and really stupid murders to thrive are incorrigible.
NAMINE: You know the meaning of the word, right?
- CASE DESCRIPTION: The star of a popular email show, Aruseus, was found dead in his room.
- JUDGE PRESIDING: The Honorable Judge Judge Sr.
- VICTIM: Aruseus Parker
- DEFENDANT: Husk Richington
NAMINE: Uh, since this is a Badstar presentation, do you think we should probably riff Objection! next?
NOXIGAR: Actually that wouldn't be a terrible idea, assuming someone else hasn't already riffed Objection!
NOXIGAR: He was excited for it last I checked.
NAMINE: But MFT3K had already riffed Arceus Emails before you did!
NOXIGAR: Their riff lasts only ten episodes. While I can at least agree Arceus Emails does not pass the test of time at all, I wouldn't say it's awful enough to really cause much of a ruckus, at least not compared to other things I've asked to riff.
NAMINE: I'm not even sure JCM even liked my riff of JCMovies.
- PROSECUTOR: Tom
- DEFENSE: Badstar Strunner
- WITNESSES: Tom, Tex Aura, Austin Marowak.
NAMINE: POKEMON MOTIF
- VERDICT: Undecided
NAMINE: Aww, come on! This ends on a cliffhanger?
Evidence
- Aruseus' Ring - The weapon of choice by the murderer.
- Note - "Maybe with you out of the picture, I'll be the star now."
- Student ID - "Husk Richington, Age: 19, Grade: Sophomore"
- PDA: - SkyPod V2.3.
- Eva's Cell: - Call history shows a call to Husk from 4:50-5:15
Court Transcript
{Cut to Room 232}
TOM: Hey...there's a note... {reading}"Maybe with you out of the picture, I'll be the star now." I think I know who might be the murderer.
TEX: Who?!
TOM: It has to be someone who hasn't been featured in Aruseus Emails for a while. It has to be a minor character.\
AUSTIN: But who? Everyone here's pretty major.
{Namine snorts after Austin finishes his line, then proceeds to crazily cackle.}
TOM: Wait...I know just who to look. Follow me.
{Cut to Room 342, Husk's dorm, someone's knocking on the door}
TOM: Husk! Get you and your butt out here now.
HUSK: Can I help you?
TOM: I know you did it!
HUSK: D-d-d-did what?
TOM: You killed Aruseus.
HUSK: WHAT?! That's impossible! I can't be in two places at once!
{Austin, Tom, and Tex stare at Husk in confusion}
HUSK: Okay, so I can. But I swear...I didn't do it!
NAMINE: What how can someone be in two places at once?
NOXIGAR: Teleportation, multiple selves, all sorts of really odd excuses for people to be in multiple areas simultaneously.
TOM: Well don't say that to my face, because I don't believe a word of it. We'll have to settle this in court, and then it's the dog pound for you.
{Cut: Strunner and Co Law Offices}
BADSTAR: {Thinking: Its been a week since Andrew Holland was found guilty. And I've pretty much gotten over Stan leaving! I think I'm ready to take more clients in. But for now, I'm just gonna calm down and rela-}
JON: Hey, new case, detention center, now.
BADSTAR: ...Ummm... okay? {Thinking: Aaaaand, there goes my quiet afternoon.}
{Cut: Detention Center}
JON: He's in cell five. Might want to be careful talking to him... don't say anything about... well, you'll see.
BADSTAR: ...Okay. {Thinking: I wonder what he means?} {Walks to cell 5 and sits down}
HUSK: {hesitantly} ...hello.
BADSTAR: {Thinking: AAAAAAHH!!! O-o-okay.... THATS FRIGGIN' WEIRD} Oh, er, hello... I'm Badstar Strunner. I heard you wanted to see me?
HUSK: Yeah. I'm not guilty. I can tell you that now.
BADSTAR: Okay, but could you give me the details on this case? I only just heard about it a few minutes ago and I wasn't given much information...
HUSK: You see, Tom had told me Aruseus was killed while in the middle of checking an email. Seeing as I know Aruseus checks his email around 5 in the afternoon, he must've been murdered at...I'll estimate...5:02, 5:03, give or take.
BADSTAR: {Thinking: Hmm, I should record this in my notepad.} {Pulls out notepad. Writes all the information down and puts it in court record.} Where did the murder take place?
HUSK: From what I heard, Aruseus' dorm room. He was killed while checking email.
BADSTAR: Is there any reason you were suspected of killing him?
HUSK: It's not just me suspected. Tom's targeting all of the characters of Bluefox Productions who haven't gotten much screentime. I have my own game for Christ's sake! How come I'm suspected for murder?!
NAMINE: So basically Tom's being a giant moron like usual.
BADSTAR: {Thinking: Hmmm... I wonder if he had some kind of a grudge with Aruseus?} Okay, this might sound bad, but... did you have some kind of feud with Aruseus?
{The percieve aura appears}
{Percieve}
HUSK: No...him and I don't talk much.
NAMINE: I'm not even sure this is grammatically correct.
NOXIGAR: It should be "Arceus and I" but I guess "him and I" is still adequate.
BADSTAR: {Thinking: Hmmm... okay, looks like I gotta find the habit. I may need evidence, but I'll find that later} Say, Husk... could you please repeat that?
HUSK: Him and I don't talk much.
BADSTAR: GOTCHA!!!
HUSK: Wha...?
BADSTAR: When you told me you didn't have a feud with Aruseus and that you barley
NAMINE: barely
talked to him... your body gave off a signal. When you told me that... you twitched your ear!
HUSK: But...b-b-b-but I swear! I did not murder him! I was in my dorm room, and didn't hear about the murder until a day after! The only strange thing that day...the day Aruseus was murdered...
BADSTAR: Hmm?
HUSK: My student ID was missing. I leave it on my desk all the time, and I had laid it there the night before the murder. That morning, when I woke up, the ID was gone. I had gone about asking a few students and even the principal if they had seen it. I went to Harrison, but no luck.
BADSTAR: Harrison?
HUSK: Monstropolis University Principal and Dean of students.
NOXIGAR: Universities don't have principals aaaaaaaagggggggghhhhhhhh
BADSTAR: Well, I think I've asked all questions I needed to ask. But before I go... could I have some directions to this university?
HUSK: It's down Redwood Ave. Once you get on the Turnpike, you'll find it.
{Cut: Monstropolis University. Aruseus's dorm.}
????: Ah. The criminal always returns to the scene of the crime.
HUSK: Huh? AXEL?! How do you know?
NAMINE: Hey why is Axel such a popular name nowadays?
NOXIGAR: Beats me. There were bigger Kingdom Hearts fans than me back in 2008, too. Actually around 2008 I sort of gave up on the series 'cause Organization XIII sort of halted as people I could root for.
{Namine blinks.}
AXEL: Word's gone around the entire campus. You're going into court for murder of this poor fellow.
HUSK: Since when have you used "poor fellow?" But it wasn't me.
BADSTAR: Um, hello... I'm Badstar Strunner, ace attorney. {Thinking: God, that name sounds so cool.}
AXEL: Axel Cario. Pleasure's mine.
HUSK: Since when have you been nice?
BADSTAR: {Thinking: This person probably knows about the murder... I should ask him some questions}
AXEL: I know this was all Husk's doing. Oh, and by the way, here's your stupid ID back. It's the identity of a criminal now.
NAMINE: I want to know if there's a decent way to write these lines and not have them sound robotic.
{Axel hands him the ID}
HUSK: Um...thanks?
AXEL: Now get out of here, Husk. We all know it was you, so beat it.
BADSTAR: H-hey! He's helping me with the investigation!
AXEL: Investigation? You're getting a criminal to help you? You never know. He may stab you in the back or mislead you.
BADSTAR: Well, I'm not worrying about that. By the way... any reason you had Husk's ID card with you?
AXEL: Husk had dropped it after lunch. I had found it and decided to hold on to it and wait since Husk had a term paper to write.
NAMINE: All of this guy's lines are incredibly clunky!
NOXIGAR: It could be worse.
NOXIGAR: I could've written those lines at any moment within 2008, and I don't think you'd be able to tell the difference.
NAMINE: How?
BADSTAR: Hmmm... odd. Husk told me he left it on his desk the night before the murder!
AXEL: He's lying. He must've used the so-called stolen or missing ID as a way to frame other people.
BADSTAR: ...Uh, what? {Thinking: I'm begginging to have suspicions about this guy} Err, not meaning to be rude or anything, but... could you please leave? We need to investigate...
AXEL: Feh. You'll just keep running in circles. Just impound the dog and be done with it. {leaves}
HUSK: God, I hate that guy.
BADSTAR: Yeah, he is kind of a jerk I gotta admit.
NAMINE: So are we just being judicious with comma usage, or what?
Now lets see here... Huh? Is this is the victim's computer?
HUSK: His PDA...what significance does that have?
BADSTAR: Well, it could be important! Maybe theres something on here that has something to do with the crime! {Picks up PDA. Presses a few buttons} Hmmm... looks like I need a password.
HUSK: Crap. I can't hack it. If I were to know the password, I'd be even more of a prime suspect, and if I ask Tom, he'll totally fry my butt.
BADSTAR: Maybe the passwords written down somewhere...
HUSK: {looks under desk} Try "taquitoswillruletheworld."
NAMINE: That's a bad password and Husk should feel bad.
BADSTAR: ...Thats... probably the weirdest password I've ever heard. Oh, well. Lets try it. {Types down the password} It worked! Okay, now lets see... it looks like he was checking an email before he was murdered. {Reads the email} Looks like some kind of creepy song.
HUSK: I've never seen those lyrics. Something tells me this email was sent as a distraction to keep Aruseus there.
BADSTAR: I should probably keep this. It could be important. {Puts PDA in court record}
HUSK: Well, now what?
BADSTAR: We should probably look for more evidence. ...{See's Aruseus's ring lying on the floor, covered in blood.} {Face turns slightly green at the sight of blood} I-I'm guessing thats the murder weapon...
HUSK: But why his own ring? The murderer must've snatched it and used it.
BADSTAR: I should have this sent down to the lab later to be inspected for fingerprints. {Takes ring}
HUSK: Okay.
BADSTAR: Well, I don't see anything else here...
HUSK: You mean the murderer has no fingerprints?
BADSTAR: Huh? You want me to look at the ring? I don't really think I can see anything without a black bulb or something...
HUSK: Hm...where are you going to get a black bulb here?
???: You can find some in the law department.
BADSTAR: H-huh?
HARRISON: My apologies. My daughter's new here, and hasn't introduced herself.
EVA: I'm Eva Harrison. I'm a new student here, although I must say I came at a bad time.
NAMINE: There are already way too many characters to keep track of in Arceus Emails such I wouldn't know why Ryan Bluefox would pick Husk as a possible suspect when there are so many other characters who would be able to write a better story. Adding more seems rather unwise. I'm going to guess this is because when people do crossovers, like Badstar is doing with Bluefox right now, that there's going to be an inevitable crossfire as far as minor character pileups are concerned. Honestly, I find this character introduction when Tom's cracking down on the numerous minor characters to be horribly tacky.
HUSK: Wait, you're the angry chick from that reality show, right? Ugh. TJ, why do you keep bringing on TDI characters?
TJ: {offscreen} Sorry! Needed a plot twist!
BADSTAR: {Thinking: And what a plot twist indeed...}
EVA: Well, if you go to the section of the building where they have the law and investigation classes, they do mock murder cases with fake evidence. They have black bulbs there.
BADSTAR: Thats certainly convenient...
HUSK: Thanks, Eva. You're a lifesaver.
EVA: Eh, whatever.
{Cut: Law Department}
BADSTAR: I think this is the place.
EVA: {hands Badstar a box labled "black bulbs"} I am just full of convienences today, am I?
HARRISON: {offscreen} That's my daughter!
NAMINE: ...Badstar wasn't hitting on Eva, and vice-versa. Why do we need that line there at all?
NOXIGAR: Padding. My biggest nemesis of all when it comes to looking at different works.
BADSTAR: Oh, thanks! {Adds bulbs to court record} Well, I think its time to take a look at that ring.
{Cut: Aruseus's room. Jon is on the telephone. He whispers something to the person on the phone.}
JON: Yeah, I'll be a sec... {to Badstar} Thank God you made it, pal! I didn't think I could stand to be in this room for so long...
BADSTAR: Hey, Jon? Could you do me a favor and help me screw this in? {Pulls black bulb}
JON: I suppose so, pal... not sure why.
{Jon replaces the bulb in Aruseus' lamp with a black bulb. Immediately, bloodstains can be seen.}
JON: AAAAH! Th-th-there's s-s-s-so much bl-bl-blood!
BADSTAR: OH DEAR LORD!!! {Runs out. Puking noises can be heard.}
STAN: {on phone} Squeamish, is he?
JON: Yeah, like always.
STAN: {on phone} Heh... I'd love to see his face right now...
HUSK: If there's that much blood, either the murderer must've pierced the heart, or stabbed him multiple times. Oh, Aruseus, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE?!
JON: Hey, pal, you did it!
STAN: {on phone} Detective... who's watching the suspect?
JON: ... Wh-what?
STAN: {on phone} Right now, the suspect is out and about... which, as we know, is illegal. Right?
JON: ... S-sorry, pal. Strunner was escorting him, but he got sick-
STAN: {on phone} So the suspect has plenty of time to run! Jon, you idiot!
JON: It's not my f-fault... really!
BADSTAR: {Walks back in} Alright, I'm okay...
HUSK: For the last time...I didn't do it!
BADSTAR: ...What did I miss?
HUSK: Er...nothing. Stan's still skeptical about me being the murderer.
EVA: Even I know Husk couldn't have done it. Husk was in his room the whole time, talking to me on his cellphone!
NAMINE: Contrived coincidences sure are funny huh?
NOXIGAR: Well none of these addlepaits are Genocider Syo so there's nothing outright terrible about this whole "false suspect" nonsense, nor is there really much of a conflict of interest with how the story's going.
STAN: {on phone} And you fail to realize one thing, ma'am. That thing being... do you really know just where he was?
BADSTAR: Ummm... Stan? I feel it would be a little difficult to kill somebody and talk on the phone at the same time.
STAN: {on phone} Badstar, it seems you're not quite getting it. It seems that Mr. Husk has no solid alibi.
NAMINE: But the point is Husk isn't capable of having a solid alibi. Why are they reinforcing that notion?
NOXIGAR: The answer is padding, and it's awful.
BADSTAR: ...Okay, I hate to say it... but you have a point. But still! That doesn't mean he did it!
STAN: {on phone} True... however, I'm not one to say whether he's guilty or not. Listen, I have to leave. I just got a case and I need to read up on it.
{Stan hangs up.}
EVA: I know damn well where he was. If you look at my call history on my cell, there's a call to Husk which was at 4:50 to 5:15!
{Eva shows Badstar her cellphone}
BADSTAR: So this means that Husk couldn't have murdered him! But that may not be proof enough. Which means its about time I looked at this ring!
EVA AND HUSK: Ring?
BADSTAR: ...Errr, yeah. Y'know, the murder weapon...?
EVA: Oh...uh...TJ! Have you been paying attention?!
{Cut to TJ (in case you didn't know that's irl Ryan B.) in his room on the computer}
NAMINE: What if I didn't know, nor cared?
TJ: What? Oh, sorry. I got sidetracked!
NAMINE: {coughs}Understatement!
{Cut back}
EVA: And to think he writes this stuff...Anyway, what'd you find?
BADSTAR: Well, there are indeed fingerprints on this!
{Long pause}
JON: ... Do they belong to anybody in particular?
HUSK: Yeah! Who is it?
BADSTAR: Um... I... don't know.
JON: Hold on, let me analyze these. I'll be back in a bit, pal.
{Jon reluctantly takes the ring out of the room with him.}
EVA: I have no clue who might've done it, but I know it wasn't Husk.
BADSTAR: Well, I've found all I could. I guess all to do now is wait for court to begin tommorrow.
EVA: Don't worry, Husk. I'll get you out of this.
{Cut: Courtroom Lobby, the next day}
HUSK: Well, I just want to say this. Eva, Badstar, wish me luck, you've both been great help.
BADSTAR: Thanks, mr Husk. I'm glad I can help.
HUSK: Well, are we ready?
BADSTAR: Well court won't start for about 4 minu-
BALIFF: Court is now in session! The defense and the defendant must enter the courtroom.
HUSK: ...Gulp.
{Cut: Courtroom}
JUDGE: Good morning, everyone. Is everybody feeling alright today?
BADSTAR: Errr, yes, your honor. {Thinking: The judge seems happy today. That should be a good thing, I hope.}
JUDGE: Now then... {angrily} I have every intention to hand down a guilty verdict right now. This is a very clear case and I don't believe there is room for error. Correct, Prosecutor?
BADSTAR: {Thinking: Ooooooooooookay, nevermind...}
HUSK: ...let's hope for the best.
BADSTAR: {Thinking: I gotta raise an objection about this!} Y-your honor! We can't be for sure the defendant is guilty! Haven't you heard that everybody deserves a porper trial?
AXEL: This dog killed an innocent man! He'll get a proper trial when the world ends!
NAMINE: Proper trials are still given to people who are obviously guilty. That's how the system works. There is always room for doubt on the extent of someone's guilt, and oftentimes people plea bargain due to how complex many things needlessly are. As such, plea bargains can often lead to reduced fines among a number of other theoretical benefits to someone who changes their plea. Not often do plea bargains get people what they want other than the case cleared, but plea bargaining would likely be what happens with Mr. Husk, in a realistic, non-shittily-written show, in the event Tom's stupidity triumphs.
JUDGE: Hey, hey, hey! No jabber from the audience, okay? ... Now, I do know that everybody deserves a proper trial. So I'm giving the prosecutor a chance to make its opening statement.
AXEL: Okay, then. Your Honor, this man deliberately killed an innocent student. The guy can split himself, meaning he was PROBABLY in his room, while the rest of him went off to kill the victim.
NAMINE: So now we get to know Husk's power? They could've used the padding they did in the middle of this P.O.S. to really establish this in some competent way!
{Pan futher to the right to see an annoyed Tom}
NAMINE: further
TOM: Ahem...who's the prosecutor here? Your Honor, the note was obviously from a minor character that gets no attention.
JUDGE: Bailiff, escort Mr. Axel out of the court.
BAILIFF: ALRIGHT! HANDS IN THE GROUND, WEAPONS ON THE AIR!
JUDGE: ... Just get him out of here.
{The bailiff shoves Axel out of the room.}
HUSK: ...what the...never mind.
JUDGE: Prosecutor... the real prosecutor... your opening statements, please.
TOM: Husk Richington, where were you last night at 5:00, the night of the victim's death?
HUSK: I told you! I was in my room, talking to Eva!
BADSTAR: Actually, that is indeed true. That can be proven by this cell phone. {Presents Eva's cell phone} You see, if you look at the call history, you can clearly see that they were still talking AFTER the murder occured!
NAMINE: occurred
NAMINE: Did this even finish or was there supposed to be a TO BE CONTINUED here?
