RiffText/AruseusEmails/msw

Cast {in order of appearance}: Aruseus, Mysterious Person, Tom, Austin, Tex, Principal Harrison, Badstar

Places: Monstropolis University (Room 232, Halls, Harrison's Office)

Computer: SkyPod

Date: December 7th, 2008

Transcript

ARUSEUS: After an ENTIRE month of no Arumail, I'm back! WOO!

NAMINE: It could be just me, but wasn't it two months of no Arumail?

{Aruseus clicks the email icon}

subject: help

HELP. ARUSEUS. HELP.

I can't escape this hell
So many times i've tried
But i'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal

I can't escape myself
So many times i've lied
But there's still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal

Somebody help me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can't escape this hell

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal!

Goodbye.
-3DG

ARUSEUS: {stops at the first verse} There's no way I'm going to read this entire song. No way in hell.

VOICE: You should, Aruseus. It's your duty.

ARUSEUS: Well, a voice in my head tells me to, so...

NAMINE: Voice in your head?

NOXIGAR: Just because a voice in my head tells me to find gloves in the shed does not mean I'll do it, 'cause I don't want to be dead.

NAMINE: No, that's not a voice in your head. That's me wanting to see if gloves are in the shed since I'll need them to plant Lex's gardens of oddly-shaped grass.

I I can't escape this hell, So many times i've tried, But i'm still caged- Hey, what happened to my ring? I swear I left it hinged to my-GUH!

{Aruseus falls to the ground}

ARUSEUS: Who...who the hell did this...

VOICE: It was me...I am no mere voice.

ARUSEUS: It's...you? I...I...uhh... {faints}

{The mysterious figure attempts to feel Aruseus' pulse}

VOICE: Dead. Just as I wanted.

NAMINE: But who would want Arceus dead?

{Cut to the Halls. Tom, Austin, and Tex are walking (in Tex's case, hopping) through the halls beside where Aruseus' dorm room is}

TOM: It's weird. I haven't seen Aruseus all day.

AUSTIN: Feh, not like me to care.

TOM: You really don't care about him, do you? Even though he was your partner at one time?

NAMINE: That could be rephrased to not be awkward at all.

AUSTIN: Hell, I really don't care about anyone. I probably wouldn't care if I found him-

{Tom opens up the door to Room 232, only to find Aruseus dead on the ground with his own ring stabbed in his back. Tom and Tex are shocked as hell, Austin is hardly phased}

AUSTIN: ...dead on the ground.

TOM: Whuh...what the hell happened here?!

TEX: Ok, either two things. 1, suicide, or 2, murder.

TOM: I'm...thinking murder.

AUSTIN: Maybe he couldn't take college.

TOM: You wouldn't care either way, would you?

AUSTIN: Nope.

TOM: You're {bleeping} heartless.

NAMINE: Yes, that's his establishing character trait. Why are you objecting to it so harshly, womanizer?

AUSTIN: Sure am.

TEX: Well, only one way to find out. THE SUPER SLEUTHS ARE ON THE CASE! {wellfaces}

TOM: {kicks Tex} This is no time for jokes. Some bastard killed Aruseus and we need to find out.

TEX: Yeah...okay.

{Cut to the Principal's Office}

NAMINE: Can we skip the Principal Harrison stuff?
NOXIGAR: Yeah. It's always tedious, so it's a lot less entertaining to riff than the rest of these last season emails.

TOM: Principal Harrison, we have a problem.

HARRISON: Tex got into the bean dip again?

TEX: ONE TIME. And you're lucky I don't have a butt.

HARRISON: True. Well, what seems to be amiss?

TOM: {slams a file on Harrison's desk} Aruseus Parker was found murdered in his dorm. The weapon? His own ring.

HARRISON: But what if it was a suicide?

TOM: There's no way. Aruseus is too happy. Or at least was...

AUSTIN: So happy...it made me sick.

TOM: Which is why we suspect it was...YOU!

AUSTIN: Hmm...play your little detective game. I could've murdered the damn fool if I wanted to, but I didn't.

TEX: How do we know? You hate Aruseus, heck, you hate everyone.

AUSTIN: But use his ring? You don't know where those hands have been. Also, I'd always use my club. I have a thing for bashing heads in.

TOM: Feh. Ok, so it may not be Austin, but how can we trust you?

AUSTIN: Because I didn't do it. Now if you still don't trust me, allow me to introduce your face to my club.

TOM: Okay, if we're going to do this right... {Tom takes the club away}

AUSTIN: That won't do much. I can still knock you out with my bare hands.

TOM: Come on, guys. Looks like we have to find an attourney.

NAMINE: attorney

HARRISON: I know one.

{Cut to the Halls}

TOM: This guy?!

BADSTAR: Hey! I've done four successful cases! Are you an ace attourney?

NAMINE: attorney I mean there's no European spelling of this word - it's exactly the same there as it is in the States.

TOM: I'm not some shrimpy little Homestar/Wrestleman.

BADSTAR: OBJECTION! I'm Badstar Strunner, and I am no shrimp!

TOM: I'll just go with that. Anydamnway, we've got a case.

{The Paper comes down, saying "Wait for Part 2!"}

NOXIGAR: At least they're not trampling over Dangan Ronpa.

NAMINE: Wait, you've-
NOXIGAR: Yeah, but other than the characters I think Dangan Ronpa's a large pile of crap.
NAMINE: Oh, right. How do you know of it, anyway?
NOXIGAR: My Tumblr dashboard has too much of it for my liking, and then there's that Let's Play of it by orenronen.
NAMINE: So... gloves in the shed...

NOXIGAR: Yeah, I'll go look. {Noxigar walks offscreen.}