RiffText/ChoomWikihood/3

Summary

Chwoka, now blinded, is revealed to be able to hear race.

NOXIGAR: Being able to hear race sure sounds fun.

He is admonished by the rest of the group until he saves their lives with his racist superpower.

NOXIGAR: Guess who's upset about it. Everyone.

Meanwhile, Bluebry and Nachoman win a free cruise to Glorious Iceland.

NOXIGAR: Dare I ask how?

Transcript Before Chwoka Remade It

{Dinoshaur is representing for the gangstas all across the world}

CHWOKA: OH GOD MY EYES THEY CAN'T HANDLE THE GANGSTA

NOXIGAR: ...They also can't handle someone else's superiority complex. People pretend to be "gangstas" to stroke their own egos.

DINOSHAUR: "Remember, it is profoundly significant that the only thing over which you have complete control is your own mental attitude." - Shaquille O'Neal

NOXIGAR: Exactly how is this quote relevant to anything? We get why Dinoshaur has an unwarranted self-importance?

CHWOKA: MY EYES AAAAA

{Chwoka falls over, clutching his eyesockets, blood pouring through his fingertips and onto the shag carpeting. Dinoshaur jerks out of there.}

MEANWHILE AT THE LOBBY WHERE THE MAILBOXES ARE

NOXIGAR: I'm going to assert that this is Plot B.

{Bluebry opens the mailbox in slow motion but it is action slow motion}

NACHOMAN: Hey look it's a letter from the president.

{Nachoman takes the letter out and Bluebry and Nachoman yank the letter back and forth until they both open it together then read it out loud.}

LETTER: Dear my fellow Americans, you have been selected by the president because my out of control government spending is giving you a free trip to Iceland to stimulate the American trans-atlantic flying industry. Hugs and Kisses, Obama.

NOXIGAR: SURE IS POLITICS IN HERE.

{Bluebry and Nachoman do an anime jump but only ironically so they're still cool and get invited to tons of parties}

NOXIGAR: This... does not matter as far as their "social standing" with the rest of the world is concerned.

Summary

Chwoka, now blinded, is revealed to be able to hear race. He is admonished by the rest of the group until he saves their lives with his racist superpower. Meanwhile, Bluebry and Nachoman win a free cruise to Glorious Iceland.

NOXIGAR: And the plot still gets poorly summarized. Damn shame.

Transcript

{The kitchen counter is clear, save for a bottle of dishwashing liquid, helpfully labelled “DISHWASHING LIQUID.”}

BLUEBRY: {off-screen} I dare you.

NACHOMAN: {off-screen} I double-dog dare you.

BLUEBRY: {off-screen} There’s a 5 dollar bill with Abraham Lincoln’s name on it if you do it.

{Chwoka runs in and chugs the dishwashing liquid,

NOXIGAR: Saves the world the trouble of- OH WHY IN THE HELL WOULD ANYONE DRINK DISHWASHING LIQUID?

like we all knew he would, because he’s a moron.

NOXIGAR: You guys might've thought he'd drink the dishwashing liquid, but I, the viewer, did not.

Cut: Stock footage of ambulances. Superimposed text: "BUTTS GALORE." Cut: hospital. Chwoka is in a hospital bed, his head wrapped in bandages. Skub is by his bedside. Skub is very fat, as usual.}

NOXIGAR: I remember Skub being SKULLBUGGY, not fat.

SKUB: {despondent} Why’d you do it? Why would you do this?

CHWOKA: It’s... all about the Benjamins...

SKUB: What does that even mean?

NOXIGAR: Took the words out of my mouth.

Don’t you die on me!

CHWOKA: I just want you to know... you were always the fat one to me...

SKUB: And you were always the stupid loser...

NOXIGAR: Good comeback.

{The doctor walks in.}

DOCTOR: Your friend here is going to be fine. There’s no need to be so worried.

SKUB: How did you do it, doc?

DOCTOR: The healing power of laughter!

{Noxigar groans}

{Beat.}

DOCTOR: Not really. That was a joke. We just pumped his stomach.

SKUB: Is he going to be okay?

DOCTOR: I just — I just said that! Look, we were able to get all the dishwashing liquid out before it took much effect. Unfortunately, your friend here will be temporarily blinded. Should clear up by itself. I don’t know why he’s talking with those pauses.

NOXIGAR: Dramatic effect.

CHWOKA: It’s... really... stuffy... in here.

SKUB: But is he going to be... alright?

DOCTOR: That’s it, I’m out of here.

{The doctor exeunt.}

NOXIGAR: Subject-verb agreement has trouble even with the Choom Gang?

SKUB: Is he going to die?!

{Cut: The apartment. Skub is leading Chwoka, with bandages over his eyes, and sunglasses over those, into the apartment.

CHWOKA: I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can, so I can

SKUB: Shut UP.

BROOKSIE: ugh it’s chwoka okay guys wrap it up

{A procession of people in Brooksie's apparent party leave through the front door.}

CHWOKA: Blinded by the light! Something something like a thing in the night!

NOXIGAR: OH SHIT, IT'S UNREMEMBERED LYRICS!

SKUB: Will here is temporarily blinded. And he can’t stop quoting songs about it for one god damn second.

CHWOKA: Well, I’m out now.

BROOKSIE: Oh, Bluebry and NachoMan! What will they get into next?

SKUB: Why don’t we find out?

{Brooks and Skub look toward the camera with a dead stare and smile. Chwoka tries to locate the camera to stare at it, but can’t find it. Cut: The lobby. Bluebry and NachoMan are in front of the communal mailboxes. They open up their apartment’s mailbox, but accidentally go for it at the same time and end up holding hands. They both blush and look at each other, nervously stammering, but break it off.}

NOXIGAR: Is this...a shipping? Aw, who am I kidding? It'll lead into both of them banishing each other to the Friend Zone and everything will be awkward as hell. I know the writing style of this writer. If they find shippings on other stuff horrifying, then- IT'S PROBABLY A METACONTEXTUAL JOKE OR SOME SHIT OH CRAP WHY AM I STILL NITPICKING THIS?!

NACHOMAN: Let’s open our mail.

BLUEBRY: Yes, let’s.

{Bluebry and NachoMan both try to open and shut their mailbox, but keep trying to go at the same time and it’s really awkward.}

NACHOMAN: Oh look it’s a letter from the President

{Bluebry opens the letter and reads it out loud.}

BLUEBRY: “Dear my fellow Americans, you have been selected by the president because my out of control government spending is giving you a free trip to Iceland to stimulate the American trans-Atlantic flying industry. Hugs and Kisses, Obama.”

NOXIGAR: Oh, wait. This line of dialogue. I remember it.

{Bluebry tosses the letter over his shoulder.}

NACHOMAN: I’ve always wanted to go to Iceland.

BLUEBRY: It could be a nice honeymoon.

{Pause.}

BLUEBRY: Not with you, of course. I mean, with my life partner. For life.

NACHOMAN: Yes, a life partner, 2 children, and a white picket fence in a safe suburban neighborhood.

BLUEBRY: Life partners are for life.

NACHOMAN: Preserve the sanctity of life partners.

BLUEBRY:Proposition 8.

NOXIGAR: For some odd reason I get the feeling this isn't funny. Not like it was the previous two episodes, either.