RiffText/Mystery Fanstuff Theater 3000/Bell Quest/4

{Everybody is now on a path}

CHWOKA: {sing-songy} They're off to see the wizard!

ANTI-BLING: Well, this is the path to the extremely spooky cliff.

CHWOKA: SPOOK CLIFF.

BELLSON: Uhh... Guys? A diamondhead snake just bit my head and I feel kinda funny.

BLUEBRY: Now how did it get up there?
CHWOKA: I have to agree, his legs are pretty large.

VEGEROT: You'll be fine! {Bellson starts foaming at the mouth. His eyes turn red.}

SKULLB: Can metal objects contract rabies or not? I'd have to consult a book on this one.

IM A BELL: Oh. F-

{Bellson bites Im a bell's neck. Im a bell falls over}

SKULLB: Wait, no. He's a vampire now.

IM A BELL: Worst. Cousin. Ever. Badstar, take this-cough-Parsley Fruit...

CHWOKA: Cough, Parsley Fruit, Cough!

to my son.

BADSTAR: You don't have a son!

SKULLB: YOU'RE NOT MY REAL FATHER

IM A BELL:{angry} Well, take it to Bling! oh, and, get the Exploding Nose elexir

CHWOKA: {singing} And this is my experimental film! That nobody knows the ending to. I don't know what the ending is, but it's the part that makes your nose explode!
SKULLB: Elexir? Is that a Pokemon?

to bring me back to li-{dies}

BELLSON: W-wha hoppen?

CHWOKA: {rapping} I said a hip, a hop, a hibby, a hibby-dibby hip hop hip hip hip hip hip hop.

Uhh... cuz? Oh, I see you're busy being dead. Carry on. Wait a minute... DEAD!?!?! AUGGGHHHHH! {Runs around and crashes into a tree. The tree falls on him and kills him.

CHWOKA: Dead? Eh, he'll recover from it just as quickly as he did his rabies.

SKULLB: And his vampirism.
CHWOKA: Does the tree have rabies now?

SKULLB: It'll get over it.

Vegerot's eyes widen}

VEGEROT: Uhh... What. The. Crap. Say, Pter, Kyubii, you guys haven't talked much in this fic. How come?

BLUEBRY: There are so many characters, not all of them can talk. This isn't a joke. This is just sad.
SKULLB: Man, Veh-zhe-rot's getting serious lag.

PTER: No idea.

{cut to Ll e bami & H44WP's base}

H44WP: Oh. Holy. Crap. Boss, Im a bell's dead!

LL E BAMI: Yes. I sensed that.

BLUEBRY: HE MUST BE A SITH LORD

Ha. Ha. Ha.

SKULLB: {unenthusiastically} Ha. Ha. Ha...
CHWOKA: Yu know, you gotta give credit where credit is due - that's a REALLY good evil laugh.

Now my plan can really get in motion. Invert Bling will you?

{H44WP takes out invert ray. He hits Bling. Bling transforms into Professional Patch}

CHWOKA: And just like that, your pawn is inverted! The amazing new Invert Ray, from Land Future!

LL E BAMI: Excellent. Patch! Fuse!

SKULLB: animè

{P.Patch fuses with one million Kopatches and Ll. They become an optimus prime with P. Patch's head (Watashi Wa Patchi)}

SKULLB: ANIMÈ

WATASHI WA PATCHI: Hm... excellent. Homsar44, make me some tea. This may take a while.

BLUEBRY: Isn't watashi the green stuff that comes with sushi?

{Cut back to the path}

ANTI-BLING: Whuh-oh. We better hurry. Ll's already fused with Bling. Oh, by the way... did I tell you Ll's plan?

KYUBII: No, what?

ANTI-BLING: Did Im a bell ever tell you about his ultimate form, Pure Watashi?

SKULLB: ANIMÈ

VEGEROT: The name seems familiar...

ANTI-BLING: You see, Im a bell's ultimate form can only be reached with Bling. Im a bell inverts into Ll and Bling inverts into Professional Patch. Patch fuses with one million Kopatches to create Sugoi patchi, which then fuses with Ll. Is this too confusing for you guys?

SKULLB: SOMEBODY SHOOT MÈÈÈÈÈÈ

BADSTAR: Oh yeah.

ANTI-BLING: Look, to um it up, Ll needs Bling to transform into his ultimate form, Demon Bell, which can only be rekeased by fusing with Bling and pushing it until he's Pure Watashi which, if the form is stayed in long enough, will transform into Demon Bell.

SKULLB: ...and Demon Bell can fuse with the Six-Star Ladybug of Doom to create Wakizashi Megas-Bell!

BADSTAR: And I have to do all of this by myself?

ANTI-BLING: What? Look, first, you gotta journey to the Amazon for the Exploding Nose Elixir to bring Im a bell back to life.

BADSTAR: WHAT!?

ANTI-BLING: Jeez-DIDN'T YOU READ IM A BELL'S LAST LINE?!!! Look, I'l take you to the amazon, but I'm takin' everyone to Ll & H44's base, okay?

{30 MINUTES LATER...}

{Badstar is in the amazon}

BLUEBRY: Which one there are several

BADSTAR:W00T!

BLUEBRY: nerd

I have the elixir!

{a primitive human with a giant nose appears}

SKULLB: If this is Bell's idea of a Jewish person than he needs a menorah shoved up his tucchis.

PRIMITIVE HUMAN: Ku-ra?!! C riii!!! Criii!!! Ka-ko-ru Criii!!!

{The human (Ju-ra)

SKULLB: JEW-ra? Hm... Bell, I'm getting suspicious.

runs away. Anti-Bling voips in}

BLUEBRY: Anti-Bling voice over internet protocols in? Does he use Skype I loooooooove Skype

ANTI-BLING: Uhh... did you just see that?!!

BADSTAR: Just voip me out of here.

{100 of those primitive umans

BLUEBRY: There is an Uman, Ukraine, is this what you're referring to?

run to Badstar. they bow to him}

BADSTAR: What the?

ANTI-BLING: I think it has something to do with that!

{Anti-Bling points to a giant stone statue that looks suspiciously like Badstar}

BADSTAR: Wow, i'm a ruler! Big noses, get me a prawn shake.

BLUEBRY: They are not "big noses", you racist, they are Uman-Americans.

JU-RA: J'ra krru, Criii!!!

{Ju-ra runs away}

ANTI-BLING: Hm... "Criii"... have they been calling you "Criii" a lot?

BADSTAR: Yeah, they have. What does it mean?

ANTI-BLING: they don't think of you just as their leader.

SKULLB: You had me at CRIII

"Criii" in Native Amazonian means, well, "Christ".

BLUEBRY: The concept of "Christ" and the word origin itself is a Eurasian concept. HEY THERE INCONSISTENCY

they think you're their god! Oh, and "J'ra krru" means "right away".

BADSTAR: Where is that prawn shake?

ANTI-BLING: Right behind you!

{pan out to show a gigantic prawn shake behind Badstar}

BLUEBRY: They are a primitive people, but they can somehow afford blenders and shrimp

BADSTAR: Yay!

{Ju-Ra runs torward Badstar screaming. He points to the sky. A big space rock is heading for the amazon.}

ANTI-BLING: It's okay! Its only a-SPACE ROCK?!!!!! Uhh... okay, calm down. Badstar, use your god powers. Oh, wait, you don't hsve any. CURSED POWERS DEEEUUUUUUUCE!!!!!!!

CHWOKA: This is confusing. And not confusing in the campy sort of way, the "I want to die" kind of way.

{Anti-Bling gives Badstar godly powers. LEVEL+1!}

{Badstar destroys the space rock}

JU-RA: Criii! Chi-ti-de Criii!

ANTI-BLING: He said "Christ! Thank you, Christ!"

BADSTAR: Well, lets go!

JU-RA: Criii? Ltu! Chjaragh! Kenei, Chjaragh!

ANTI-BLING: I think he wants to come with us. He said, "Christ? No! Don't go! Please, don't go!"

BADSTAR: People, I am sorry. But a time comes when you must manage on your own. Ju-ra, until I return you shall be the new christ! Goodbye, big noses.

BLUEBRY: THEY ARE UMAN-AMERICANS, AND THEY HAVE MADE GREAT CONTRIBUTIONS TO THIS NATION.

I will be back someday.

JU-RA: Ju-ra... CRIII?!!!! Chi-ti-de Criii!

{Anti-Bling and Badstar voip away}

{Cut to everybody hiding in the bushes in front of the base.}

ANTI-BLING: Oh Jebus. They've already reached Watashi Wa Patchi mode. They just need to reach Semi-Pure Watashi, Almost-Pure Watashi,

SKULLB: Not-Quite-As Pure Watashi, Close-to-Pure Wakizashi, Mega-Ultra-So-Close-Pure Wasabi...

Pure Watashi, then it's just a matter of time to Demon Bell. You got the elixir Badstar?

SKULLB: What happened to the elexir?

BADSTAR: YUP! Now all we have do is bring Im a bell and Bellson back to life!

{Badstar pours the elixer into Im a bell and Bellson's mouths. Bellson lives, but Im a bell explodes and regenerates}

IM A BELL: Oh lord. Uhh... Anti-Bling? W-what level is Ll at?

ANTI-BLING: Watashi Wa Pa-Crap. He's at Semi-Pure Watashi.

BLUEBRY: HE'S LEVELING UP SO FAST, HE MUST BE GETTING SOME EPIC EXP

IM A BELL: Hmm... do you got any Parsley Fruit?

BADSTAR: CRAP! I knew I forgot something. Oh well, lets just go in there and fight!

{Cut back to H44WP and Semi-Pure Watashi staring at the monitor.}

H44WP: Well, this sucks. Hey, didn't we have a pit of giant mutant rats installed yesterday?

BLUEBRY: Yes, and I can understand how you would miss seeing it since it's loving huge.

SEMI-PURE WATASHI: Yeah, I think your weird pet ate them all.

H44WP: That explains why it has five arms.

SEMI-PURE: Look, I just need two more transformations and then I just wait until I'm Demon Bell. You go stall them. Hmm... Okay, I'm Almost-Pure... I mean now!

H44WP: No need to! I re-installed the pit.

BLUEBRY: Wait, did the pet eat the pit too? Dude, ditch the rats, use that thing.

{They run away.}

{Everybody enters the base.}

BADSTAR: Where are they?

SKULLB: Hell. We're all there.

END OF CHAPTER 4!