RiffText/KickCheat E-mails/Move

KickCheat E-mails #11

KickCheat moves to the Wiki User Wiki and is asked why he hasn't answered an E-mail in almost 3 years.

LIGHTNING GUY: 3 years? Hey, maybe his writing has improved and I won't be as miserable riffing thi-oh, who am I kidding?

Cast: (in order of appearance): KickCheat, Moving Person, Strong Mad, Strong Sad, The King of Town, Statue

Places: KickCheat's Old House, KickCheat's House, The Computer Room, The Old Computer Room, The Field, The Stick, The King of Town's Castle, Crazy Virtual Land

Computer: Roido 256

Lines: 81

Script

{Cut to a moving van outside KickCheat's Old House. KickCheat is carrying a box labeled "NES-N64 Nintendo Games"}

LIGHTNING GUY: They're the only things important to him.

KICKCHEAT: Ugh! Who ever thought that a box of 50 or so games would be so heavy!

LIGHTNING GUY: Ugh! Who ever thought a lump of 50 or so pounds would be so weak?

MOVING PERSON: That's because you are small and have tiny arms!

LIGHTNING GUY: OH I GET IT NOW

KICKCHEAT: Yeah, well let's see you carry that TV over there! {Points to a TV}

MOVING PERSON: Fine, I will!

{The Moving Person tries to lift the TV, but fails}

LIGHTNING GUY: FAILS

MOVING PERSON: Wait!

{The Moving Person tries to lift a nearby stack of Wii Games, but fails again}

LIGHTNING GUY: DOUBLE FAILS

KICKCHEAT: Wow, you are weaker than I am. It looks like I'll have to call Strong Mad for some help. {Pulls out a phone and starts dialing}

MOVING PERSON: All right! You caught me! I'm only good at driving the truck. I can't lift anything.

LIGHTNING GUY: But don't you have to lift your arms to drive the

KICKCHEAT: Congrads! You failed to pick on me!

LIGHTNING GUY: Leave it to the experts, pal.

{Starts talking over the phone} Hey Strong Mad, I need your help......Really, you will?....Thanks!.....Bye! {Throws the phone into the Nintendo Games box} I'm sure this will take several hours until I have everything packed!

{Screen fades out. The words "Several Hours And/Or Minutes Later" appear. Fade out to KickCheat and Strong Mad at the Moving Van}

KICKCHEAT: Wow, that took several hours and/or minutes!

STRONG MAD: IT TOOK 4 HOURS IN DOG YEARS!!!

LIGHTNING GUY: You learn something weird every day.

KICKCHEAT: Ookay then. {Hops into the moving van} Well, I'm out of FCUSA! I'll be back maybe 64 or so e-mails later!

LIGHTNING GUY: I never want to see you there again. Again! Do you hear me?

See you later Graw Mad! Tell everyone I said bye! {The moving van drives away quickly}

STRONG MAD: 64 IS TOO LONG!!

LIGHTNING GUY: THAT ISN'T WHAT SHE SAID!

{Screen fades out. The words "21 Dog Days Later" appear. Cut to KickCheat at his Computer in his new Computer Room}

KICKCHEAT: It took three days, but I have finally settled in to my new house located in WUW Land

LIGHTNING GUY: The Crappiest Place on Earth

or whatever it was called again. {Silence} Alright! Let's check an e-mail on my new computer! The Roido 256! {Opens an e-mail}

subject: SO LONG...

Dear KickCheat,

It's been nearly 3 years since your last e-mail! What have
you been doing all this time?

Sincerely
Grandma Higgleston-erson

KICKCHEAT: {Silence} Uh. {Typing} Wow, you have the oddest name in the history of odd names.

LIGHTNING GUY: Don't even pretend like you don't own that title.

But that is nothing compared to what I got to say. Anyways, the reason why I haven't checked an e-mail since July or August 2006 is...well...it's a long story.

{The screen cuts to KickCheat's old computer room. The words "Flashback: August 2006" appear at the top of the screen, which dissapear

LIGHTNING GUY: You dising me?

shortly after}

KICKCHEAT: {Narrating} It all started back on that day back in August 2006...

KICKCHEAT: Ugh! When will that book arrive?! {Doorbell rings}

{KickCheat zooms offscreen leaving a cloud behind labeled "PING!".

LIGHTNING GUY: Dude, you should at least say "excuse me".

Cut to KickCheat at his front door}

KICKCHEAT: Yeah? {Silence} Huh? {Opens the door. Sees a package on the front door step}Oh boy! It's here!

{KickCheat takes the package and leaves. Cut to KickCheat's old computer room}

KICKCHEAT: Yay! It's here! And what a coincidence that it arrived at the same time I got fustrated with it taking so long to get here!

LIGHTNING GUY: Yes, what a coincidence indeed.

{Opens the package and lifts out of it a red book} My Mother 1 Novel has arrived!

LIGHTNING GUY: WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED?

{Throws package offscreen. A loud glass breaking sound is made} I bet what ever broke isn't important!

LIGHTNING GUY: That was probably just my brain you heard. Don't worry. I only use it to keep my body functioning.

{Opens book} Aww sure, the whole thing is in japanese, but I can translate it with my good friend the internet!

LIGHTNING GUY: I hope it's a long novel. A very, very long novel.

{Screen fades out. The words "1 and a 5/12 Dog Years Later" appear. Cut to KickCheat looking very weird}

LIGHTNING GUY: So he's looking normal?

KICKCHEAT: I spent a good year trying to translate this and all I got was one chapter! If I keep up at this rate, I'll have the whole thing translated by.....2016 {Silence} ARRRRRRRRRRRGH!

LIGHTNING GUY: YES YES PLEASE IT'S WORTH IT

{KickCheat runs out of his old computer room screaming. Cut to KickCheat in the field still screaming, mowing and running over various things like a flower, The Stick, a Big Rock, Strong Sad, and The King of Town's Castle}

THE KING OF TOWN: {From inside his castle} Poopsmith! I think I'm getting my mega-physical again!

KICKCHEAT: {Narrating} I still have no idea how I managed to do that. {Screen fades to black} After that, people thought I went missing. I was actually hiding behind Bub's concession stand eating some of his things in secret. I did this for about a year, maybe a year and 4 months. Then I went home and I found a pair of big red goggles on a stand sitting on my desk. How it got there? Who knows.

{Cut to KickCheat's old computer room. There are a pair of big red goggles on a stand at the side of his computer. KickCheat walks in}

KICKCHEAT: Whew. That will most likely be the crazyist

LIGHTNING GUY: Wackyist.

LIGHTNING GUY: Goofyist.

LIGHTNING GUY: Misspelled synonymist.

year of my life. {Looks at the red goggles} NO! IT CAN'T BE.

{KickCheat grabs the pair of big red goggles on a stand}

KICKCHEAT: IT'S......THE VIRTUAL BOY!!!!!

{Crickets chirp}

KICKCHEAT: {Happily} Let's try it out!

LIGHTNING GUY: What? I never agreed to

{KickCheat sets up the Virtual Boy and starts playing}

KICKCHEAT: {Narrating} Boy, I must have been at the end of my rope there! Because what happened next is just....just watch.

{Screen fades out. The words "5 hours Later" appear. Cut to KickCheat still playing the Virtual Boy. Everything is coloured in Black and Red}

LIGHTNING GUY: No yellow? Gee, this is a racist game.

KICKCHEAT: That's enough for today. I didn't get a single seizure or headache.

LIGHTNING GUY: Don't worry. I got enough for both of us.

Maybe I'm lucky! {Removes head from the Virtual Boy. His jaw drops} HOLY SAINT NICK ON A STICK! What the heck happened?! Everything is like....Moonside. I hope evil Mani Mani isn't here.

KICKCHEAT: {Narrating} It looks like I had Earthbound on the mind at that momment. Because things sure got weirder than Grandma Higgleston-erson from that point.

KICKCHEAT: I'm going to go outside.

{KickCheat leaves the room. Cut to the field. Everything is red and black and the ground and sky have reversed. KickCheat walks onscreen}

LIGHTNING GUY: Have you been sniffing those goggles? The chemicals they clean them with are serious shiz.

KICKCHEAT: I don't remember walking on the sky. {Looks down} Aww crap!

{KickCheat falls offscreen. Cut to a forest with upside down trees. KickCheat falls into one and hangs on to it. He loses his grip and falls}

KICKCHEAT: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

{Cut to a strange void covering the ground. KickCheat falls onto it}

KICKCHEAT: How am I not being sucked in to this vortex?

{A strange statue pops out of the void}

KICKCHEAT: {Worried} Who are you?

LIGHTNING GUY: "I am the ghost of Gaming Past."

STATUE: I am Mani Mani.

LIGHTNING GUY: Is that ghost of Gaming Past in Japanese?

KICKCHEAT: NO! You are just something from my imagination! You must die!

LIGHTNING GUY: That seems reasonable.

MANI MANI: Just try to hurt me!

{Mani Mani summons lightning and zaps KickCheat}

LIGHTNING GUY: I enjoyed that role.

KICKCHEAT: OWWWW! YOU ASKED FOR IT!

{KickCheat mows

LIGHTNING GUY: They see me mowing...

over Mani Mani, destroying him}

MANI MANI: Don't think this is over! I'll be back! As long as you got the Virtual Boy!

LIGHTNING GUY: You got the goods, yo.

{Mani Mani dissapears

LIGHTNING GUY: Dising me again. I hope you're pleased.

and the screen flashes. Cut to KickCheat lying on the floor in the old computer room. The Virtual Boy is destroyed}

KICKCHEAT: Huh? {Gets up} Was that just a dream or did that really happen?

{Evil laughter comes from the Virtual Boy}

KICKCHEAT: Gulp! It was real! I got to get out of here. Fast!

KICKCHEAT: {Narrating} So then I decided to move far away. In the end. I decided WUW Land or whatever it was called place.

LIGHTNING GUY: Place is not a verb, sweetie.

{Cut to KickCheat in the present time in his new Computer Room}

KICKCHEAT: {Typing} So from there on out, I started to work on getting packed up for the move. It took a while to get everything packed up and to find a decent moving company. Then yesterday, I has finally able to move from FCUSA and left that Virtual Boy behind. I hope nothing as crazy as that ever happens again. {Stops typing} So until next time, do your self a favor and don't

LIGHTNING GUY: Sniff

play the Virtual Boy. You'll go nuts.

{The Paper comes down}

KICKCHEAT: Hey The Paper! How's it been!